My Eighteen

I love her

I knew you when you were eighteen.
How is it that I haven't seen?
Turn back time time I would want,
For me to realize faster, Shannon,
How blind I was for you,
As blind as you were too.

Please accept my heart's blood,
For you it flow could.
Renew my emotions blue,
And my passions due.

Reviews

[JayG]

Apparently, the poetic letter you wrote to someone named Shannon was misdirected and landed here, where the reader has no clue of who either of you are. And so, lacking all trace of context, that reader can say nothing but, "Uh-huh" in response. Readers come to poetry to be entertained, not learn how the person writing the missive feels about people they know.

Look at the words as a reader must"

I knew you when you were eighteen.
How is it that I haven't seen?
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"Haven't seen?" Haven't seen what? You know. Shouldn't the reader? And...was this person eighteen a year ago? A decade ago? It matters, but you give the readerno clue.
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Turn back time time I would want,
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"Yoda speak" this is. Do it not.
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Please accept my heart's blood
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Ewww.... Sounds messy. That aside, the heart is a pump. It has no blood of its own. Never forget that your intent for how a line is to be taken doesn't make it to the page. The reader has only what your words suggest to THEM, based on THEIR life experience.
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For you it flow could.

Did you edit this? It seems not.

There's a LOT more to poetry than there appears, because it's been under refinement forever. People have been trying things to find out what works for centuries. Fail to take advantage of that and you're, in effect, trying to reinvent the wheel.

Two things might help:

Mary Oliver's, A Poetry Handbook is an EXCELLENT first book and a fun read.
https://www.docdroid.net/7iE8fIJ/a-poetry-handbook-pdfdrivecom-pdf

For metrical poetry, jump over to Amazon and read the excerpt from Stephen Fry's, The Ode Less Traveled.

Jay Greenstein
Articles: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/
Videos: https://www.youtube.com/@jaygreenstein3334

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“Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”
~ E. L. Doctorow

“It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”
~ Mark Twain

[DeviousSiddy]

While you are right on technical levels about the structure and traditional poetry, I think this is a too serious a take on a spur of the moment penning down of an emotion.
I think art pieces, including poetry, shouldn't be so strict, especially when they are genuine moments solidified. How is it different from manufacturing when we start to make strict rulings.
Why would I want to have anyone interpret my meaning? Let the words talk to you as you would want it to have meaning. If I am Yoda now, so be it.

I'm happy to elaborate some of it though. There is a lot of inside joke and referencing indeed.
Eighteen is not an age. I thought it was funny that you could interpret it like that so I left it as is. It's actually a reference to when she cosplayed as android 18.
Haven't seen what's there. Who she was and what she could mean. It's ironic to shorten that question. I didn't see it. Should you?
I won't lie I struggled at the end but I'm happy with it.
You COULD interpret it literal as a biology lesson... Or blood paint the heart is symbol of lifetime. It's not a traditional symbol ofcourse but a gross analogy. So she could have the rest of my lifetime if she wants.

I'll end with this.
I hate conformist practice and labeling. You can show me a book on what the standards are, but I will always make my own decisions and interpretations. That's my kind of freedom.
As for labels... If I have ADHD, I am labeled as such. But that does not mean that all things applicable to ADHD applies to me. Do you get what I'm saying? We like to label things but the nuance is being ignored in the progress.
That's the reality.
In other words:
I appreciate the effort of your references very much, but I will most likely not read those references and hope you understand my position in that effort.

It was fun reading your review either way~

With love

[JayG]

• I think art pieces, including poetry, shouldn't be so strict, especially when they are genuine moments solidified.

Opinions are an interesting thing. No matter how strongly you feel, it has nothing to do with that belief being either true of false.

As someone who's sold their work in long and short form fiction, nonfiction, and poetry, AND, has taught fiction at workshops, I can tell you with certainty, that though it’s not a matter of talent, you’re making all the expected new writer mistakes. Why? Because you’re still using the nonfiction book-report writing skills we learn in school—great for reports and letters, but useless for fiction and poetry.

Want proof? No one is commenting on your work. I’m not particularly skilled at poetry, but because I did take the time to learn the basics, my posted work has pages of positive comments. You could have them, too. I even linked you to an excellent resource for those skills.

The problem is curable, of course, though it does require a suspension of the willful ignorance you embrace.

• Eighteen is not an age.

Hmm... I doubt any eighteen year old would agree.

• It's actually a reference to when she cosplayed as android 18.

Nope. It’s not. It is whatever the words suggest to the reader, based on that reader’s life-experience.

Your intent doesn’t make the page. Sure, for you the words point to memories, experiences, and images that are stored in your head. And so, it works. For the reader, with your present approach? The words point to memories, experiences, and images that are stored in *YOUR* head, which doesn’t help the reader at all.

No one says you have to learn what it is that you’re trying to do, of course. But it seems a shame to spend all that time writing only for yourself when the solution is so simple and easily available.

So, since you’re happy with your current status, I’ll just wish you luck with your writing and bow out.