The Blacksmith

FIND OUT READ IT YOURSELF >3<

The wizard spoke in a mysterious voice "Silver hair and a crimson sky, heart of gold frozen in time." His friend sighed and laid down the sword he was hammering away at "Hugal how many of these riddles are you going to come up with before you settle on one?" The black smith looked into his friends blue eyes, he could never get enough of those eyes. How odd was it to find a man with blue eyes and brown hair. He would have more luck with woman if he cleaned up that scruff of his, the blacksmith thought to himself. Hugal stroked his beard and responded with certainty "But this riddle will in time become a  asset to a world far different from ours far, far, different than ours." The blacksmith sighed "You never will change will you Hugal?"

            The wizard was taken aback "What dose thou mean, would you prefer if I spoke in rhyme and riddle?" The black smith shook his head "Then how would I understand you?" The wizard gave his friend a smile "You wouldn't that's why I use simpleton speech with you." The two laughed together, in a way only two close friends could. "Now let me finish my riddle,  hand me some parchment and ink would you." The blacksmith walked to the back room where all sorts of knick knacks were stored. Along with metals of all kinds, a steel that he himself invented a bit of gold here some iron there. A chest full of precious gems and a sword encased in glass. This sword was the blacksmiths best work.  With the strength of  gold, yet the durability of a diamond. Made from his very own invention, the new type of steel he had         recently created. He only could create just enough to make one sword.  But that sword was his life's work, the blacksmith approached a stack of parchment papers and a box full of ink pens "Ah here we are." The blacksmith picked up the parchment and a pen and walked out of the room closing the door behind him. But behind the door the sword glowed with a white hue, and what the blacksmith didn't know was that the sword was enchanted. On the day of the swords creation Hugal added a bit of magic to the molten mixture. Hoping that one day it would become of great use. "Here is your ink and parchment." Hugal smiled warmly "Thank you friend."

            Hugal began scrawling down his riddle. "What is the point of recording your riddles Hugal?" The blacksmith asked with growing curiosity "It's for a new spell I've been working on you see and I would like to test it out right here in your shop." The blacksmith looked at him disapprovingly "You know what happened last time you tried something like that. I almost lost half of my diamonds." The last time Hugal tried out a new spell not only did he almost lose all the blacksmiths diamonds, but he almost blew up the entire shop. The spell was supposed to create molten steel from nothing. But instead it created a tiny explosion within the shop, luckily the wizard knew a repair spell. So nobody was injured and the shop reformed back to normal "Only if you can promise that this time there will be no more mistakes."

            The wizard started to stare off into space. This occasionally would happen to Hugal blanking out and seeing a vision of the future. "Hugal?" The blacksmith grabbed his friend by his shoulders and shook him but there was no response. He knew immediately that it was a vision these visions didn't happen often, but when they did it meant something serious was going to happen. The blacksmith waited patiently for the vision to end. Time ticked away as the blacksmith clenched his fists and unclenched them. It was habit, just time passing and the clenching of his fists. After an half n hour had passed the wizard finally came too and snapped back to reality.

            "What did you see?" the blacksmith asked in a nervous tone. The wizard stretched his arms "Nothing, that needs to be worried about." The blacksmith stood up and walked towards his friend "I asked you what you saw, you don't normally get these unless it is important." The wizard looked at his friend "If you read the parchment you will find out, but basically it told me to practice my spell here and that nothing bad would happen." The wizard looked confident but yet it was a lie a lie to cover up an important truth. The blacksmith believed his lie and gave a sigh of relief "Your okay though right?" The wizard gave a nod "Indeed I am." In fact the wizard was ecstatic for the vision had told him what he had wanted all along and the spell would help him achieve it. He knew that somewhere outside of the blacksmiths shop a beautiful young girl roamed the streets alone. This girl had long white almost silver hair, and eyes as red as blood. Her skin was pale as a corpse she almost looked like a ghost wandering the streets. But yet her face was flawless not a single blemish covered the surface of her skin. This was the girl Hugal had been looking for the only person who could successfully wield the sword. 

Author's Note

please give my criticism!

Reviews

[Caitlin Julia]

Hi! I'll start with some negatives and then end on a positive note. :)

You need to work on your grammar. I'm sorry. I know. Grammar is not a fun conversation for anyone to have, but it's really important for people to take your work seriously. You can have the most beautifully written prose but people won't give it a glance if your format appears weak at first glance.

A few tips on fixing this:

1. Always change paragraphs when a new person is talking.
2. Don't underestimate the use of the comma. It organizes your ideas, and makes your writing flow more effectively to the reader. I would look into the uses of the comma and practice. Your major mistake with it here is that you don't use it before dialogue begins. If dialogue begins in the middle of a sentence, a comma should precede it.

Those are the two major criticisms. Other than that there are a few editing mistakes such as "an half n hour" should be "an hour and a half", but these mistakes are easily solved if you just get a couple people to check for errors before you post.

My final criticism is just personal taste so don't take it too seriously. You do use a lot of cliches in your writing. The wise wizard who's friendly with the protagonist, the enchanted sword, the mystically beautiful female who's destiny is to wield the sword. Again, these aren't serious criticisms. Cliches are cliches for a reason and they can make for interesting reading. This is only your first chapter, so there are many unique ways to turn old cliches into something new and interesting. Just be careful not to repeat a story that's been told a hundred times.

Now, finally, to the positive!

I love your prose. Grammar aside, I can picture vividly everything that's happening in my mind, which means you have the mark of a natural writer. You place many small details that describe a lot in a small amount of space such as, "He would have more luck with woman if he cleaned up that scruff of his". This sentence gives just enough of an inkling into Hugal's mind without you falling into that black hole that many writer's do, where you overdescribe details that have no basis on the characters or the story.

Secondly, your pacing is GREAT! The beginning pulls you into the characters nicely, the middle section introduces the sword and gives the readers a vivid idea of the genre you will be writing, and the conflict that is to come. I love that you ended the chapter on a note that's almost a cliffhanger. Mentioning a character that's so important to the plot without actually physically writing her into the story yet gives the chapter just enough hook. They'll want to get to know her so they'll keep reading. Or at least, that's how I feel! It could be a little longer though. It's extremely short for a first chapter. Look for other ideas you can introduce into the plot before chapter 2, this isn't a big deal though, quality comes before quantity and there are many writers who utilize short chapters effectively.

All in all a great job. I'm just taking off a few notes for poor editing and cliches, (which could change in the future chapters!)

I love your writing style, and I hope you continue writing! I would love to see some more work from you soon! :)