Bowl of Misery

randomness

So sometimes it feels like am going to lose my brain like if one more thought consumed my head I would just hurt all over.. I would just lose my sense of reality. Am losing my sense of reality my head hurts. My imagination is clashing with a world am barely existing in. It’s like the voice in my head materialized I can see it walking, talking as if it’s alive. But how is that even possible? Am losing my life slowly its slipping through my hand through my veins like warm sand on a sunny day. Am trying to grasp on it but the tighter I hold into it the faster I am losing it. My soul isn’t damaged it was ripped from me on a day I couldn’t afford to be scared but I was shivering from my fear from a world that kept pushing me into its depths although I had a voice I was mute.

It was like standing in a room everything was spinning quickly in it everything was on fast forward while I was on stop. And no matter how hard I tried to take a breath my rib cage was frozen at a time I can’t take back at a memory slowly fading and a haunting life that I can’t get rid of.

I listen to music because it’s my solace I close my eyes I drift to a place of Zen a place of peace. A place where melodies touch me, and someone to understand me. Where it’s easy for me to love and my heart beats loudly to a beat too beautiful. I dance slowly with it and the higher the beat gets the lighter and floater I get. But the darkness soon follows and soon I snap my eyes open too quickly that it feels like a whiplash. My heart is pounding too quickly but not from being light but from the sweat and cold that surrounds me.

I get too edgy sometimes I shy away from all the world like I just want to vanish I get my head on my knees my arms around me too tight like if the tighter I close myself the smaller I will be. Red rimmed eyes and a shallow breath of pain. Stop please just stop I scream. I want to get rid of all of this I want the smiles back in the day.

I pretend with everyone because no one would understand and I see someone who can love me but I really can’t am not selfish enough to get someone to see all of this so I drive them away by hurting them slowly and am sorry I really am with pleading in my eyes please forgive me please just go and walk away.

Am a ghost in an old attic, an old wagon in the backyard, a wasted breath of life, am an apology formed on a lip that midway choked on it, am a wasted dream, am nothing but a void of darkness, a long hall with nothing but locked doors and someway I lost the keys.

Am a lost chapter in a book of happiness that got ripped for being too sad, and I try hard to be better I try hard to be okay for the sake of those who are around there judgment is consuming me and I think I need to be better but then I get the looks and see the questions in their eyes and I want to vanish all over again.

Then there are days where I feel the nothings where I simply exist in a vessel of someone. I want to crawl out of my skin I want to slip into a coma so the world can forget about me. So I can forget about me. I sleep too much these days am barely sober. And I smoke although it hurts physically but feeling something rather than nothing is sometimes worth it.

Am a writer am a poet I enjoy writing the scenes I get lost when I use a pen my mind drifts to a parallel universe one with too many fairy tales in things I want to accomplish but I can’t in memories I want to have but I won’t in a world free of pain and equality. Where I have you and me and a house and a dog and life full of smiles where I have a clean slate in a place no one knows my name. I love writing I could show you dragons, princess, kings and queens, dinners, laughter, magic a beautiful unrealistic world that you would fall in love with you would never want to leave.

My head is like the space too big too vast am lost in the middle of it. I grasp a line I walk it a while and it leads to me another space in my head to another hole where I lose my self a little more. Will it ever end?

My heart is shattered to tiny pieces of sharp glass that I walk on everyday am almost numb now the pain is gone. And I apologize for the rain it’s just my tears can’t stop leaking I must be insane. The days I cried myself to sleep unable to breathe with uncoordinated rhythm of my heart I thought I was sick. My heart was thumping too loud in my ears the blood was roaring. God please make it stop just stop it please.

You think psychology can solve everything but am sorry the means never justify the end. You think medications can take the darkness away, that shadow that lingers in the chambers of your brain will am sorry to let you down your shadow is an entity a part of your main. Action speaks louder right? So I punch a wall I take my anger out on it maybe then it will all fade away. Optimism is powerlessness in a world only the sharks can influence.

It’s the thing you don’t say that count so when your meaning falls in the middle of your words does it make a sound? I can hear the screaming the shouting the negativity I lock myself with an invisible key cause they can’t reach me if there if there’s no opening in the first place. And I ask again when it will stop with hands over my ears and eyes tight shut.

Am misery and desperation mixed in a bowl of tears and I begged you please walk away but you stayed. Am raging around you I knew I will hurt you but its like my mind can’t control what I do or say. And am in love with you can’t you see? Am trying to be okay for you but its backfiring on me. Am losing a battle I didn’t know I would be a solider in. a war with an unequal enemy having the upper hand. Oh the despair.

Am an open book with a miserable story that’s not worth your time, am the book where you skim through when you’re bored and then put it down with a huff of breath because it’s beginning has no sense and the ending is just as bad and it’s middle is full of desperation, misery, pain and sadness. 

So my head hurts my thoughts are attacking me. Am losing it. My reflection is of someone I don’t know. Am a hurricane of pain, and no matter how much wasted ink I try to write with to let go of the thoughts they cram more in my head. Am losing. My imagination became my reality. Am soulless, angry, depressed am the spectrum of black incapable of giving am on the verge of insanity. Standing on a thread of line waiting for help but not accepting any.

Author's Note

i was in a bad place writing this.