You're the Judge

Inspired by lyrics from 21 Pilots' song "The Judge", but thematically they aren't the same. There was some borrowed themes. These are my feelings following Caitlyn Jenner's transition.

I don't know if this one's
about me or the devil
the words coming on
like bleeding on the treble
bass is hot, and my blood runs cold
I'm watching the world come unfurled.

I've got a migraine on my mind
and a heartache in my soul.
There's a hundred and twenty one ways
that lead me wishing for better days.

Someday's, my sunday's
are the only thing keeping me grounded.
Im messed up in the head
and I'm cracking under the pressure
sometimes I wonder if I'm already dead
or if there's another future freak out fissure
waiting to bombard me, ballistic,
just a tic, tock, knocking on heaven's door
as I'm tracking all my missions
leaving me on the floor.

I don't know if this one's a surrender or a revolt-ing
masquerade of repentance,
am I in the mire, or is it just a dire
apparition trying to claw its way from the wire
connect me to my heart
before it grows to dark
Jesus, I'm lost inside myself
because there's these people going nuclear.
There spitting words of affirmation
that are really words of damnation
they think they're getting free
when they're locking the chains tighter
You think I've lost my mind, but I'm still really me
and I've got to take a second to speak and let it flow
or My mind just might go the way of the dinosaurs, yo.

I'm not good with direction
I can't tell upways from sideways, it's a misconception.
The direction that I took was textbook dysphoria
laced up, and laced in, high as a kite ignited.
I lost my heart and soul.
I see these people making choices
to cut themselves apart.
It may not be biblical, but this is in my head.
There's a difference in this kind of sin;
and the devil is really good at twisting our minds
to break our heart and spirits.
He's really in it to win it.
There's a difference in this kind of sin,
that really is so tragic.
When you sin you're cutting deep
a hole that separates you from life
and I've been cutting with a knife,
these ideals of a new body, a new image, "I am God"
we say, we cut these wholes so deep
that we don't just separate ourselves from Him
we separate our souls from us;
Sure you think you're happy, but there's a hole deep inside.
You're not filling that hole you already had,
You're just making it bigger.
I just made it larger, and harder, to get back;
but what's the real answer, for the rest of us?
God, I don't know.
You're the Judge.

Author's Note

I am not Judging Caitlyn. This is how I feel as a Transgender person who believes in the Gospel, and God created us as we are. I don't want to pretend I know, and understand everything; but I believe in my heart that this isn't right. And I will be hated for it. Sure.