I walked aimlessly through the courtyard, squinting in the penetrating sunlight and trying to shade my eyes with my hand, to no avail. There wasn't any where to hide. I marched towards the picnic table, sparsely shaded by the tiny tree growing next to it. I made my way to ragged, graffiti covered table and then sprawled out across the length of it, gulping thick breaths of the muggy, polluted air.
The smell reminded me of road kill, roasting on the black top, stinking in the late July heat, my stomach rumbled, churning with emptiness and disgust. I felt my face contort, lips stuck my teeth, every thing was beyond uncomfortable, I was downright miserable and bored.
Everyone was inside playing video games and falling asleep, I had walked out of the dungeon and into the sweltering heat and was now wondering why I had considered this a good idea.
My hair stuck to my neck and the sides of my face, drenched with sweat. I contemplated going up to my own apartment and just going to sleep, there was nothing to do and we couldn't scrape up any money for pot. My thoughts wandered as I lay there soaked in sweat, breathing heavily, trying to savor the silence.
"Des-i-ree!" I heard a voice calling out from an apartment window, drawing out my name into long syllables and then giggling. I peered around, half blinded by the sunlight, wondering who it was. I didn't know any girls besides Rachel and Victoria and I knew that it wasn't either of them.
"Hey! Desiree!" I heard another voice shout, I looked up at the building directly in front of me, shading my eyes with my hand and searching the windows.
"Who is that?!" I yelled up at them, confused and a little agitated. I wasn't in the mood for this nonsense, I grumbled under my breath, wishing that I hadn't come out here.
"It's Erika!!" The girl shouted from the third story window.
"And Jennifer!!" Another one said, chiming in and then laughing. I smiled at them but it felt more like a scowl, my face contorted beneath the stabbing sunlight.
"I don't know you guys!" I laughed, going to sit back down at the table. I lit a cigarrette, savoring the taste of a fresh marlboro.
"We're coming down there!" They sang out in unison.
"Cool!" I shouted back, puffing at my smoke and reclining against the table. I saw them burst through the front door, clambering towards me. One of them was tall and lanky with dark blonde hair and almond shaped eyes. She had high cheek bones that accentuated her otherwise plain face. She was wearing some jersey shorts and a white tshirt with rolled up sleeves and was carrying a blue baseball cap, she looked athletic and tom boyish but cheery and hyper. They waved at me as they came up, laughing and pushing eachother.
"Hey" said the shorter one, she was small, an inch or so shorter than me with long, dark brown hair and large, blue eyes. They sparkled in the sunlight as she smiled up at me, flicking some loose hairs from her face. I saw freckles on her cheeks, scattered across her nose and forehead, I smiled back, blowing out a small stream of pale, gray smoke.
"Whats up, girl" I said, peering at her with a pinched face, the sun was irritating me to the point of insanity, I wanted nothing more than to escape it.
"I'm Jennifer" She said, almost shyly. I noticed her smile, wide and bright, making me keep smiling at her in return. I glanced at the ground and laughed with her.
"Erika!" She chimed in, they both watched me, waiting for me to say something next. The wind picked up, a cool, merciful breeze blew against my back, blowing my hair around my face, I waved it away.
"Apparently you all know my name, most people call me 'des' though..." I said, trailing off and looking away. I didn't really like the nickname but it was what everyone called me.
"Oh..sorry" Said Jennifer, sitting down on the picnic table opposite me.
"You smoke?" I asked her, brandishing my half smoked pack of marlboros, she nodded her head.
"I smoke sometimes, I mean, not really but I want to try it." Erika said, bouncing slightly. I laughed at her and handed her a cigarrette. She looked at it curiously, turning it over in her hands. I had only started smoking a month ago, but I was already smoking every day. I handed her my bic lighter.
"You have to suck on it and then inhale. Its not like a joint." I said, watching her pop it into her mouth. She nodded her head, smirking as she tried to light the smoke.
"She's never smoked a joint!" Jennifer remarked, laughing at Erika trying to smoke a cigarette. She burst out coughing, drool dripping from her mouth as she dropped the burning cigarette. I laughed with her, falling back onto my elbows and enjoying the breeze.
"Well, I guess its a little harsh the first time..." I said, puffing on my own marlboro and then flicking it to the ground. A figure caught my eye in the distance, walking up the tracks and turning into the square, I recognized the tall, easy gait and peered at him as he walked towards the picnic table, head down.
"Heyy Jeff!" Erika screamed across the courtyard, her voice reaching a high pitched squeal, I grimaced at the noise. She waved at him, giggling and running up to him. I looked over at Jennifer, smirking and she rolled her eyes. Jeff and Erika spoke for a moment, standing in the middle of the road as she rambled on incessantly, he nodded coolly, glancing over at the picnic table from time to time. Me and Jennifer sat together in silence as they walked towards us, Erika almost skipping.
"Hey.." He said, keeping his head down and kicking a small stone. I glanced up at him and then back to Erika, she bounced up onto the table.
"Do you have a sharpie?" She asked me. I dug in my pocket and pulled one out, handing it to her. She made a small noise and began writing on the table.
"What's up dude?" I asked him, keeping my head down and shoving my hands inside my pockets, he did the same.
"I got five bucks...if you want to get the car." He said, glancing at me with a tight little smile, I snickered at him in return and jumped up. He lit a smoke.
"Alright, lets go." I said and then turned to Jennifer and Erika, "Catch you all later" I told them, waving good bye.
"Okay...well, do you want to hang out tomorrow? I live over there, in that apartment we yelled at you from" She called to me as we turned to walk away.
"Sure!" I yelled back to her.
Jeff followed me as I jogged across the parking lot and up to the apartment building where me and brian both lived, mine was on the third story.
We ran up the stairs and were almost out of breath by the time we reached the top and stomped into the empty house to grab the Tempo keys and a drink. We poured two glasses of kool-aide and downed them in a hurry, running out the door and out to the parking lot.
The car was parked over by the dumpster, a pathetic little heap of red stained metal. We walked over to it slowly, sharing his camel wide and looking around the square, there was no one in sight, we smiled mischeviously as he unlocked the car and jumped in.
He started the engine, revving it a few times and snickering. I fidgeted with the radio, trying to get any station to come in, I found a classic rock station and left it there, even though there was still some static. He pulled off with a sharp whip, barreling past the courtyard and out onto 10th street.
I laughed, reclining back in my seat and lighting my own smoke. He nodded with a slight smile, I could tell he was enjoying driving and I leaned back into my seat, relaxed. My stomach fluttered as I laid my arm next to his in the middle, I inhaled silently, blowing out small puffs of smoke and then handing the cigarette to him.
He put it in his mouth, keeping both hands on the steering wheel and I thought he resembled a young Clint Eastwood, one eye squinting to keep the smoke out. I giggled inside, imagining him wearing old western attire and a gun holster with a shining pistol.
His face smoothed as he removed the smoke and exhaled, the vision faded as I looked away, supressing my smile.
The Town passed us by quickly as he sped down Tenth Street and hung a right towards the river, we always drove down to the docks, it gave us an excuse to get away for a while and of course was a longer drive for Jeff, he sped around each curve like we were in some sleek, five speed sports car.
The Tempo sputtered and whined as he forced it to go faster. I let my arm hang out the window, hand flailing in the breeze, we listened to the radio in silence and I kept my gaze on the sky and clouds watching them change from blue to pink and orange.
"Here we are.." He trailed off breaking the silence between us as he pulled up into the tiny parking lot not far from the river. I glanced over at him, his profile softly illuminated by the orangish glow of the setting sun, he held my gaze, those cool blue eyes reflected by the river. I looked away, cheeks burning. A light breeze picked up, the trees waving in the warm winds and I heard Jeff open the door and get out.
I wrestled with the door, trying to get the handle to work and let me out.
"S**t..." I said under my breath as he walked around and came up to the door, lifting up on the handle. It popped and then creaked open. I peered up at him, grinning.
"Thanks" I said as he turned away, walking towards the docks.
I followed him down the hill, staring at the boats that bobbed in the water, tied by ropes to the wooden docks, ducks swam around them in circles, quaking randomly. I watched the water lapping against the various debree on the shoreline, scattered logs and trash littered the entire length of it.
The river was well known for being dirty and polluted, it always had a slight mildewy smell whenever the wind would blow but, like every thing else in our lives, we learned to endure it, we took the good with the bad.
I watched as he walked to the edge of one of the docks, a particularly raggedy one with missing planks and various holes. I stood afar, letting him have a moment to himself. He looked out into the water, as if he was searching for something that he had yet to find. Sometimes I felt as if I knew what he was thinking, maybe we were thinking the same exact thing. The water crashed against the docks with a hard whoosh as the wind picked up, throwing around loose trash and dead leaves as I walked towards him, my head down.
He turned towards me as I approached him and we sat down together, crossing our legs and slouching. We both pulled out our packs of cigarettes and lit one, watching eachother take hits as we smoked. The water rippled and crashed, a chaotic lullaby, I thought it resembled my heart beat as I looked at his solemn face, that same look there that I could never quite understand. My stomach sank inside itself, flipping inside out.
"We should probably get going, man." I said slowly, knowing that I was completely ruining the moment. I immediately regretted saying it, but he nodded, unfolding his hands and standing up. I sat for a second, looking down and wishing I hadn't ended our time together.
"Yeah you're right." He said, walking away quickly. We trudged up the hill slowly, making our way towards the top.
"Are we going to Dan's and getting a nickel bag?" I asked him, glancing over to see his reaction.
"Sure, I'm ready to smoke...its been a few days for me" He replied, keeping his eyes on the ground, his feet shuffled against the concrete. I looked over at him, watching as he got into the car and then jumping in. He started the engine and then looked over at me.
"Do you ever think about just driving straight into that river?" He asked, quietly. His face a mask of indifference. Goosebumps rose on my flesh as the wind blew in an icy chill, I kept his gaze, my thoughts racing.
"All the time" I said, each word weighing a ton as i spoke them, it came out flat and numb, the way he had just sounded.
We turned our eyes to the road, leaving those deep, dark waters behind us. Our thoughts holding the echo of each others secret minds as the scenery faded to black, the stars popping out one by one, hole punches in the sky.
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