Cold Hearted

Im sorry
that i cant be everything
that you deserve
This isnt any kind of
Love
for you.
and I dont know how to handle
this unforgiving selfishness
that has become
myself.

Im sorry that
i cant be what you need me to be
I cant be light and cheery
beautiful and happy.
I am a mess...i always have been.
maybe its taken until now.
for you to realize this.
And Im Sorry that
you didnt..
im pretty sure that i warned
you...tried to push you away...
i always do.

Im Sorry
That im not lovely and perfect.
you deserve that..and more.
That i dont dangle myself under
every word you say..or move you make.
I cant give myself over to you..
i cant lose myself in ecstacy or
become a slave to my own desires...
maybe im afraid
I wont come back to reality.
that has always been a possibility
with me.

So I build up walls and construct bridges
i make you walk the tight rope
and climb over mountains
Just to see my cold and apathetic face.
staring blankly into your eyes
as you plead for just one.
little sacrifice.

Im sorry
That im not doting or
blatantly in love.
I cant help holding back no
matter how many hugs
and kisses you bestow
upon my shallow, broken
heart.
I am nothing, no one.
and i dont understand why
you love me...

Why you press against
the stone coldness of my
skin..or try to push
your way in.
Maybe you think one day
i will budge and become
what you want
and need from me...

But i can see your losing hope
and.my.god.
i do not blame you..
but i wont pull you back to me
and i wont
beg for your mercy
i was never deserving of your love
in the first place.
why would i ask for it back??

I know what you need, want,
and desire..
but i am not there.
and i dont think i ever have been
here

Author's Note

I wrote this over a year ago, during the hardest time of my relationship with my husband, I became very distant and I believe this is the beginning of me falling out of love with him, though I don't really like to admit it, it took me a while to realize what was happening, and in the end we were both so hurt. The scars still burn.

Reviews

[TAO]

Memories, memories, I do so hate when poetry makes us remember... And yet, we love it... Keeps us...grounded...to say the very least. The ever-widening chasm is always the omen of things to come; when the earth is cracked, and we're on opposite sides, and the crack becomes a stream, then a river, a lake, an ocean...and a whole other world... You make us remember. Your poetry is simple (and I don't mean simple-dumb or anything)... It's as if you've been able strip the clothing from Truth, and make her walk, ashamed, before men made of lies and lust... Very well done, yet again, Ms.

[Dream Weaver]

There is no such thing as a good parting. As Shakespeare has written;
"Parting is such sweet sorrow" No word's can come any closer then that..
Bittersweet I do like this write..

[Jonathan De Elvira]

I feel more like the person in this poem itself...
I used to have addiction problem n it was so hard...
There's so many obstacles in my way of quitting though but finally I manage to stop for her even though it's too late...:)

touching reading Desiree...I like it...
it speaks to me and a bit of describing about my own problem too...
love this :)

[Robin]

it is interesting to see how much your writing style has developed over the past year. this is good , you have reached great in your latest writing

[Cynthia]

That's pretty real. No one can do everything others want you to. But you will need to forgive others to have a better relationship. This poem is pretty good, this sounds sad and I can imagine how's the relatioship is. Hope this review won't hurt your feeling.