River Eyes

Your smoked stained eyes

stared off into the distance

The gentle waves of your hair

framing your face like a porcelain statuette

A simplified exhale escaped your lips

And I stared on, gazing at the moon

in a subtle way

but I noticed that you didn't blink

Didn't hold back that single tear

that carressed your face

The wind cooling your cheek, leaving

red marks

You looked fresh and weak

 

I never stood to close

I thought you might break beneath

my molded grasp

And I always contemplated

touching your hands

They were smooth and simple,

they didn't ripple the way your

eyes always had

Just remained smoothly folded

on the balistrade

 

I stared on, gazing at the landscape

peering at the lights

on the shore as the weak tide

bit at the ground, lapping

at our shoes

 

"So this is...goodbye?"

 

It came out roughly, like charred wood

on my tongue

I was never good at

dancing around the edges

 

You looked down

so far down

that I thought you seemed

lost

I could see the darkness

swirling around

your emptied eyes

 

"Yes, I guess it is..."

 

 

 

Reviews

[William]

You have such a talent for description. However, I personally love really strong, unexpected endings. However, whatever it lacked in climax, it made up for with imagery.

[Sports Girl]

Nice job. I liked all the descriptions in it.

[alan peter kelly]

enjoyed the descriptions...the biting at the shoreline...the smoke stained eyes...the darkness swirling as the final curtain falls...some beautiful turns of phrase...though, I would suggest that you change it to "I never stood too close" which is the correct spelling and only flaw that I see here...

[Norma M Sutton]

Interesting writing. Feels emotionless.

[Lovely Lady]

And I always contemplated
touching your hands

one of the things about a man that turns me on... their hands... This is a sweet parting poem and you did it up well! Applauds to you!

[Dream Weaver]

Written superbly from beginning to end.
Easily flowed magnificent imagery, overall
A sadly beautiful piece...

[vincentbals]

Great job. I especially love this:

The wind cooling your cheek, leaving

red marks

You looked fresh and weak

SO pure and sensitive.

Nicely written!

[loowzerX]

This is sad yet beautiful. I love the phrase "porcelain statuette", and the way you created this vignette using descriptions and direct speech! pretty :)

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

beautifully tender and thoughtful weaving of a painful happenstance~ the care you place in unfolding this kind of hurt is entrancing~ stunning composition~

[Robin]

you write with great flow and you set the scene well

"It came out roughly, like charred wood
on my tongue
I was never good at
dancing around the edges"


brilliant