The Dark Tower

How luminous you appeared. Tall and corrupted. You held a sense of superiority that dominated all others who attempted to take from you. Your cold tone and unwavering demeanour gave me a sense of fear and protection. Your seriousness was to the point where certain things became comical even though we knew it wasn't a joke. Your pride and ability were a force to be reckoned with. You were a stone tower constructed from the pains of your past to the fruits of your present. How many doors did you have ? How many stairs?

Endless it must have been for I could never reach the top. Every flight chipped away at my soul, challenging me to find the meaning in the word love. How many hours did it take to rip away at one door only to be tossed back to the beginning. How many flights did I climb, treading carefully as I picked away at the traps set from the others that attempted this climb. As I grew closer to the top, I began to think  i was different. That I held the key that no other held. My victory with opening each door allowed my ego to grow  too large and as the days passed, I truly thought I was the one.

Oh how I was wrong.

I tried my best to keep silent, to walk unseen, but others wouldn't allow me. Tormented, belittled, fooled, and broken; they embraced me. Foul words of doubt and lies filled me. Naive, I was told. Open your eyes, they screamed. Fall. Fall. Fall. But Did I? No. I was too lost, to consumed in the thought of being able to walk by your side as an equal. Too consumed I believed that even if I couldn't be crowned a queen, then I'd be crowned the Jester. I craved your praise , appreciation. I lost myself in attempt to be what others couldn't. I wanted to be useful. To be needed.

Was I?

I thought I had all the answers, all the right keys, but as the clown; I did not. With one wrong step I had fallen. The thread I had so carefully woven around my finger snapped. Your back turned and your gaze vanished. The warmth I had felt left me and in front of my eyes I saw it. A heart so transparent that with a blow it'd vanish. What did I do? Was I too me? One by one the doors closed and I? Thrown from the tower I so deeply cherished. casted out by those who kept it well protected. Who was to blame? Both? Me? It? I had gotten so comfortable that I forgot what it meant to tread carefully.

I fell so deep in my desire to be loved that abuse seemed so sweet. Trust no one and love only yourself was the words I was left with. Be happy, keep moving was what I was told. But how? My life was climbing the tower, exploring it, learning about it, loving it. Without it the world became so dull, so gray. My world had shattered.Even when the sun tried to piece it back together, It wouldn't heal. I thought . My tower. If I have wronged you, it was unintentional, for when I love. I love with my all. Your happiness is my own. I thought. What do I do? Where do I g? It was painful. Living was painful. Exploring, wandering. It was painful. 

But.

I asked the stars to guide me home and that they did. Once again I stand before the tower, but its not the same. It will probably never be. I wish for more every night but even if its a short encounter. Even if its one look every other day, I do not mind. As long as you need me, as long as I can stand here. Then its ok. You don't have to open your doors. If you can only see me as a pawn, that's ok. As long as I'm able to be here, then I don't mind.

Why?

Because you are essential. You are a part of me that grew without me realizing. An obsession so strong  that even I can't break. A subconscious thought that even when I've done nothing to trigger a memory of you, you still appear.

Is it love or loyalty? Both? Or something more basic like a need. Whatever  it maybe, I won't let it go.

Not again.