In Truth

I'm a damaged individual

I may come off as a hard person. A stubborn bull with an unwavering foundation. A woman of independence who needs very little from those around her. My words may carry me as someone who cares very little of what others say, making me someone who is unafraid of criticism or someone that doesn't blush to sweet comments. I walk with a raised head and with the air of superiority. My ego is as tall as a skyscraper that grows and grows. I claim to be above the best, holding myself on the highest pedestal. I force those to work for me, to claim me as if I was the queen of a neighbouring kingdom. I appear calm reserved with a hint of snobbish behavior who abuses the term of a lovable brat when it conveniences me. I am a pillar of admiration who gets praised for working two jobs and having an end goal. When I love I give off the air of dominance to those around me. I let them know that this is mine and taking him is a hefty task that you shouldn't bother. I do not cry. I do not pray. I do not wish. And never do I believe that I'm inferior to others.

But In truth...

I am as fragile as glass. My emotions are a ball of yarrn continuously unrolling. A puzzle open for all to see, exposed to the brutality and abuse of others.

Stubborn I am but my foundation is not as strong as I give off. Weak and made of paper, it can crumble, rip, and tear away with the smallest sneeze.

I was born to be independent yes, but what does it mean to depend on someone? How many prides have I hurt? I'm to independent that dependency is bothersome, but I feel sad when I'm unable to do it. They look at me with disgust or a why bother. No one does for me as I do for them, because that would mean I would have to depend on them and in my words. "Why bother?"

My words come across as cold, but I am happy. I will cry if you criticize me, if you find my work a horrible piece of garbage. I will shut down if you deem my edited video a waste or pointless. I care a lot to an extent where it can become damaging. Your words are gospel and my truth exists in you. Your sweet comments are the cure to my insecurities. I desire them like candy, but I don't want to come off as an attention w***e, so I deny them.

My superiority was fostered by my parents who told me to never look down, yet I have none. My head is raised in a false pretense. It is raised to let you know that I can do it even if it's fake. I'm showing you what I want to be shown, not what is the truth. What you see is a girl trying. Fighting to appear as normal as possible.

My ego is not tall and is scaringly small. I doubt myself with every turn and find myself to be below average. Of course you'll never know. This isn't something I want you to know. Who wants to show the world their insecurities, that they themselves think their as small as the next girl. My pedestal? As small as sand. In what way should I hold myself higher than others. There is always one that's better than me. So I say again in my words. "Why bother?"

I desire for those to work for me , to chase for me. I do not want to seem like some quick meal on the sidewalk. My desire however to be loved, to be held, makes me seem eager; easy. I hold myself back making them run for me, but admittedly I never know when to stop and so I lose them. Sad?

I am a lovable brat with a bad habit of being petty. Yet beneath that I am not reserved at all. I'm possessive, jealous, rude, selfish, angry, sad, happy. I can be temperamental with a bi polar behavior. I can be childish yet seductive. I can be grown with the intelligence to prove it. I'm sweet, kind, caring, and selfless. Contradiction?

I am no pillar but a reference book. Two jobs only shows those around me that I want money, but that's not why I work hard. To spend time with them I need money. Money my parents won't provide. I do not work two jobs to show off, to show you that two jobs is nothing. But they won't understand. They never do.

I am not dominant. I am submissive. I flaunt my superiority in hopes to deter whatever girl had trampled into my domain. I boast and gloat in hopes to prove that I am the better pick. I try to scare them away, to growl, to bite. I give off pathetic attempts to protect whats mine.

I do cry

I do pray

I do wish

I do believe that I am the last person you'd ever want to befriend. That I am smaller than others. That my worth is nothing but a grain of sand.

...

Would you still love me?

© 2017 Broken Desires

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Final-Karma

This is striking and definitely something conscious that flows through all of our minds. It's as if you poured your mind into a glass and shared it with us. As this spout of feelings and concerns went on, you became more of a contradiction. It is beautiful. We are all walking contradictions living conflicted lives. You acknowledge very point. Thank you for this. I applaud you.

~Memento Mori~

Posted 7 Years Ago

1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

7 Years Ago

Thank you very much . Guh lol I'm happy I was able to get my thoughts out while making sure their ma.. read more

Reviews

Justin

that was very great, how you were able to describe yourself as coming cross as someone who is very hard but is the opposite, you were able to write something that is hard for many ppl to write about, I admire you for that :) amazing job :)