Depression Monologue #1

Looking back on all the angsty poetry I wrote throughout my teens - part 1.

Does my life truly have meaning?

Isn’t it possible that God creates

humans simply to be pawns?

The background character:

A word or two to 

push a larger plot along

and then drift away

never thought of again.

 

No.

People will remember the words,

            those last forever,

but not the character.

 

Not me 

 

Is this not my every day?

I say a word.

Make them laugh.

Help them with homework. 

And then drift away.

They won't think of me again 

until a problem arises.

They’ll think, 

they’ll know, 

that I have a solution.

But they won’t think of my own problems. 

They won’t offer any solutions 

to me

They take and don’t give 

and that’s how it is

when you’re a background character.

 

Even being in a new place

doesn’t change the worth

of a background character. 

 

It’s always the same. 

I’m always the same.

 

Lord,

I’m being vulnerable with You

because you’re the only one who knows.

But do You understand?

Can You understand how 

the plotless plot of my life

is nothing but pain?

I am not one to find contentment in

fading away.

 

I

live in a world where everyone is together,

like the planks of a fence.

Together and apart.

They always have everything they need.

I

am the lone pebble on the sidewalk.

Always apart.

 

You, Lord, have so many.

Even if it’s not everyone 

and even though we hurt you

and push away 

and entertain Your enemy.

 

S t i l l

 

You have so many.

You have 

and do you even need us?

Did you not create us from or for recreation?

Does the Lord feel loneliness?

Because I do.

I have You.

This You have told me 

countless times

but my body refuses to accept that.

My body say I am alone.

My mind says that I am lonely 

and that no one cares at all.

 

You made me a background character.