Pain

And even after all of these months I still look back at all of our messages 

but my friends say “I know you love him but it’s over so Let him go” 

And even after hearing our song on the radio 

all I can think of is the love we had 

and no one can steal the love we are born to find 

I know I love you but It's not easy to walk away 

It's going to hurt for some time 

but it will be alright 

even if the pain still hurts thinking about you with someone new 

but I just don't know what I am supposed to do 

because I was happier with you 

but it's the start of a new day and when I need you the most 

I can't run into your arms for a hug 

And how can I tell you that I’m writing a book

but how could you see the sun after the word goodbye 

After our song finished playing how could I not cry every time I saw you 

but how could you know about the pain 

The pain hurts so much that I can't look you in the eyes 

cuz every time I look at you all I can see is the memories of what we used to be 

and it pains me to see you with that other girl 

she is everything I could never be for you 

And even after goodbye, all I asked was for one dance as friends but all you did was leave me dancing alone 

cuz with you, I was alive and felt safe for the first time in my life

without you, I feel broken like I'm half of a person 

I feel torn and without you, I feel nothing 

Without you, I can't feel anything 

I miss you and I need you 

cuz without you, I can't be me 

your my favorite part of me and with you standing next I feel something 

cuz "I will take care of you in a year or two If you asked me to" 

but I could never tell you how I feel for you

cuz you would never listen at all 

All you would do is laugh at me while you walk away leaving me crying on the floor 

Author's Note

Thank you for reading and have a happy writing and reading :)

Reviews

[JayG]

Okay, I'm not going to make you happy, but since you aspire to be a writer, there are some things getting in the way that you HAVE to know about, but, will never notice unless they’re pointed out. The problem you face is that our own writing ALWAYS works for us, because we have things the reader lacks:

1. We have intent for how the reader is to take the words and phrases we use.
2. We begin reading with full context, while the reader has only what the words suggest to them, based on THEIR life experience, not ours.
3. We begin reading knowing what prompted us to write.
4. The voice we hear as we read is our own voice, filled with the emotion we know belongs there. The reader has only what you would get if you have your computer read it to you ( very good editing technique that picks up a lot of things we'd otherwise miss.

Added to that is something we’re not aware of: The writing skills we’re given in school are NOT those used in either fiction or poetry. All the reports and essays you were assigned over the years have made you good at writing reports and essays, which have as their goal informing the reader. Why? Because we need skill in nonfiction writing for employment. The skills of the poet and the fiction-writer are professional skills, and are acquired IN ADDITION to the general skills of school. Remember, they offer degree programs in both. And surely, at least some of what’s taught in those programs is necessary. Right?

Using the skills you’ve been given, your focus is on talking TO, and informing the reader. And in this, it’s you talking about what matters to you. Meaningful to you, because each line acts as a pointer to memories, situations, and deeply felt emotions, all stored in your mind and waiting to be evoked. So, as you read, that happens and you’re emotionally moved. Hand the poem to someone who knows you, and what’s meaningful to you, works for them, too.

But…give it to a reader, and each line acts as a pointer to memories, situations, and deeply felt emotions, all stored in *YOUR* mind and waiting to be evoked. But with you not there to ask… See the problem?

For the reader, this is what’s often been called a dismal damsel poem. High school Lit Mags abound with them, mostly written by (forgive me, but unfortunately, it’s true) 17 year olds who have seen their first true emotional involvement fall apart. And as a result. They tend to fall into the mindset that David Sedaris noted: “The returning student had recently come through a difficult divorce, and because her pain was significant, she wrongly insisted her writing was significant as well.”

The way to prevent that is to switch from the fact-based and author-centric approach of nonfiction to the emotion-based and character-centric approach of poetry and fiction. Instead of telling the reader that we cried, for example, we work to make the reader weep by making them experience the problem, not hear about it. As E. L. Doctorow put it: “Good writing is supposed to evoke sensation in the reader. Not the fact that it’s raining, but the feeling of being rained upon.”

So, don’t talk TO the reader, invite them in. Make them feel and care. Used well, your words can make someone you will never meet laugh, cry, feel the stirrings of desire, the urge to mayhem, and every other human emotion. It’s an awesome power. But…it’s also a learned skill. And in the end, that’s my point. You need to acquire some new skills.

A useful resource for things scholastic is the Shmoop site. They have lots of great poetry there, and it’s analyzed to great depth to show why and how it works so well. When you visit, log in as Student. Then, via the midpage search window, select Poetry.

An even better resource is Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook. It’s filled with things that will make you say, “Why didn’t I see that myself?" You can download a PDF copy here:
https://yes-pdf.com/book/1596

And though it’s focused on structured poetry, The excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled, on Amazon, should be required reading for all writers.

So…I know this wasn’t anything like what you hoped to see, but since we’ll not address the problem we don’t see as being one, I thought you would want to know—especially as none of it related to your talent, potential or even how well you write.

So, don’t let it throw you. Hang in there, and keep on writing. It never gets easier, but after a while, you do become confused on a higher level.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/