What's left?

What's left of me when there's been the question: "me or the others?" And it's always been the others?
Am I brave enough to stand up, my friend? It's easy to stay on your knees, I know. But I feel so let down, I feel so empty. I gave my heart away once more but now it's lost. I should stay positive, I should enjoy my youth but I don't know how to find my way back, I don't know why there have to be so many sad times in my life. 
I DON'T WANT TO BE SAD GOD, WON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

I wish I was strong, I really wish I was. One could call me a whiny b***h but there's a sadness inside of me that comes out from time to time, it consumes my will to live. IT'S THERE NOW GOD, PLEASE HELP ME. People always tell me how beautiful my mind is but what's the worth of a beautiful mind if your heart is sick?
I should get back on track, somehow but I need guidance. CAN YOU GUIDE ME NOW PLEASE GOD, I NEED YOU NOW, MORE THAN EVER. I can't deal with it anymore, the constant ups and downs. I know, life should be like that because you wouldn't appreciate the good times if you haven't had bad times in your life. THOSE BAD TIMES COME TOO FREQUENTLY FOR ME GOD, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE IT. 
If one would ask me what I want in my life I would definitely say: a place where I belong. A place where I feel save and loved. I don't know if I can find this place on this earth or in this life. I'M REALLY NOT SURE GOD. 
Don't feel too bad girl, this isn't all because of you, you are not the reason. All this is buried inside me and it has been buried for a long time. I will be fine, I guess, like I have always been. I've always found a way to feel "happy " again even if it's just for a few weeks. 
I just don't want to be forgotten, people should keep me in their memories. They should remember me for who I was, neither only for my sad times nor for my great times. I want to be remembered for both. This isn't an excuse, this isn't a 'Good Bye'. I'm not good in things like this, I'm not good in letting things go. This sounds like my testimony, I know but I will stay for a bit and when I've found the right time, I'll disappear and I hope I will be remembered, I really wish
Au revoir my friend
Sincerely
A young man who couldn't handle growing up