Deception of Self

            My hair again covered a point of discontinuation, where my makeup less face would show.  Waking up that morning felt entirely different, it felt like everything was ending.  In truth, all that changed was to be Alexia’s presence…but still, I felt empty…exhasperated.  I didn’t want her to leave.  I decided to hide this petty, selfish emotion, afraid of her attempting to interpret what she could see.  There was little chance it’d be a proper interpretation.

 

            We arrived to school early, and we sat together, inside the library.  There was nothing great there, except silence.  I loved the silence.  We sat there, across from each other on an old polished wood table, wordless.  I don’t know what she was thinking of, but I was thinking about her family.  What sanctimony had they passed on me, and how much would she suffer for it?  Would Mike run to his mom, or try to attack Alexia with me gone?  Damon wouldn’t blame everything on her…would he?

 

“See you at lunch.”

 

            As she finished those simple words, the bell for first block rang out, waking me from my daydreaming.  Was she watching the clock the entire time?  It was like entering hell…no momentum, no enthusiasm, only worry.  There had to be f*****g worry, it made me more miserable, after all.  We kissed, though it was nothing big.  As she left, she spoke softly, bringing out the words I needed to hear the least.

 

“Try and ignore Jeff for now, Alex.  He won’t be a real nuisance until lunch.”

 

            As usual, I paid no attention during class.  There was no need to, it was yet another waste of my time.  I sat in the back of the class, thinking about the best way to get Jeff back.  I was sure he’d pick a fight, and he’d be with his friends…I’m not stupid enough to fight that battle.  I knew he’d already bragged that he’d kicked my a*s…he was going to paint a nice picture of mascara wearing p***y, I was sure.

 

“Hey, Alex…”

 

            Some guy sitting beside me.  Just another face I won’t remember…

 

“What?”

“I heard Jeff a*s raped you.”  I put my hands in my pockets, I knew then they were tingling, anticipating a chance to become a fist and silence the words coming ahead of time.

“No, he just threw a few cheap punches.”

“He said you were hiding behind the old dude that runs that ‘James’ restaurant.”

 

            That, I wasn’t expecting…he’d apparently already painted a picture.

 

“Bullshit, he’s the one that ran off.”

“Don’t mean no offense, but he said you just dropped like a b***h, and yo’ b***h had to defend you.”

 

            Tell him to shut up…

 

“It was a cheap shot.”

“He said he knocked ya’ mascara off.”  He laughed.

 

            Tell him to shut up…

 

“It was still on…”  I tried to joke.

“He said ya’ girl got up quicker.”

 

            Tell him to shut up.

 

“That’s enough.  He hit me while I wasn’t looking.”

“He put you right the f**k down.”

 

“Just be quiet.”

“Whatcha gonna do?  You just gonna take that?”

“Shut up.”

“You gonna—“

“—Shut up.”

“Hey man, I—“

“Shut up, and mind your own f****n’ business!”

 

            He jumped, startled, and I had not realized I was standing.  All eyes were on me, and I slowly realized I raised my voice.  I’m so glad they couldn’t see what color my face really was…

 

“Is there a problem, Alex?”

“No…”

“No sir.”

“No.”

 

            The s**t faced teacher took in my refusal to add a title of respect he obviously had no right to.  As he adjusted his glasses his dead, and meaningless stare fell upon me, like I was some kind of insect. I returned him pathetic glare.

 

“Whatever the problem is, you’d better take it outside.”

 

            No problem, there.  I step outside with my things, and lean on the wall for a while, sorting my mind out.  Then, I walk away, roaming the halls.  I passed janitors, but nobody with authority to stop my class cutting.

 

            I didn’t choose my path at random, I knew that administrators never went this way.  I didn’t worry about sneaking, my pants constant jingling of chains made sure I could be heard.  I looked in the classes as I walked, something to pass the time.  The bell rang, and I found the classroom I was looking for just as Alexia rounded the corner.  Sight of her made me feel a bit better, but not for longing before I accepted recognition of her distressed face.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“Jeff’s in my first block class, and, well…he was bragging.”

“Only 4 more hours, Alexia.”

 

            I knew that wasn’t her real problem, she’s bigger than that.  Regardless, I said nothing to push that further.  The next class was gym, and we shared that class.  Arm in arm, we walked together.

 

            The first few minutes, were spent dressing in proper ‘gym class’ clothing: A light shirt, and shorts, or sweats.  As usual, I didn’t participate.  As Alexia returned from the girl’s locker room, she came to me, and we sat in the bleachers for a while.  She sat in front of me, close enough so I could wrap my arms around her waist, and let my head rest on her shoulder.  Jeff sat on the opposite side, in a different class.  He looked at us…at her, then me.  As he turned for a moment looking amused towards her, she bent her head back, and kissed me on the lips lightly.  It was sudden…but I didn’t think she was as immature as to fight whatever petty battle Jeff had with her in his head.  However, it seemed so opportune if she was, I had no choice but to assume that was the case.  His girl wasn’t in the class, so he had no rebuttal, this time.  He merely looked at me again, saying something we could not hear.  I know that because of the laughter of those around him, he must’ve made a ‘which one is the girl?’ comment.  So old, and so annoying…

 

“Mr. Benson got himself a girl, eh?  Well, that’s good…I never thought he would find one that wasn’t a lesbian.”

 

            The coach, with all his dry humored glory.  I couldn’t care less about his jokes, but I acknowledge that he said nothing to Alexia.  He normally made jokes on everyone, but I notice he never said anything to her.  He didn’t even tell her she was in the wrong class.  He was yet another who deemed her a murderer, is all there was to assume from things.

 

            He never said anything to her, but then again, nobody did, except four students, me, Jeff, Jay, and some other guy I had not yet had the pleasure of meeting.  I never took interest in him, since they never talked for long.

 

            I didn’t participate, but Alexia did, soon enough.  I already took gym, I had no need to be here, but I wasn’t willing to take free periods.  I sat alone in the bleachers, while the others play.  And that’s all it was, playing.  Basketball on the left side, football outside, volleyball, tennis, what-the-f**k-ever, a net on the right side.  I lay against the bleachers, and prepared to relax for the entire period.  Jeff had been playing basketball, but I watched him approach me, alone.  I was already braced, ready to jump and fight, but he kept walking past me, to the coach.  Whatever he said, Alexia soon sat down, back with me, after a brief stare down with the coach.

 

“What happened?”

“I’m not supposed to play basketball with the guys…and Jeff just told the coach.  Normally, he doesn’t care so long as we’re on the same team, so I don’t get why he’s being such a b***h about it now.”

“So…why not play with the girls?”

“They suck.”

            I had no response for that…

 

“Why don’t you try, Alex?”  She perked up, warming me somewhat.

“I suck, that’s why.”

“Aww, come on, one game.”

 

            I thought to myself about how often I watched the others play basketball.  How hard can it be?  I accepted.  We played on the side with the net, because nobody was there today.  The wood of the floor squeaked in dislike of my shoes.  Plain clothes…never me.  Alexia wore a plain white t-shirt, and jogging pants.  Fitting apparel for a gym class.  I however, wore a full outfit, black shirt with some band on it, Tripp pants with chains dangling, boots, and all.  I knew it’d weigh me down, but the game was in the bag, I knew.

 

            It started, as soon as we got someone to throw the ball up for us.  I was taller, and as I jumped, I knew there was no way I could lose this…she went over my head quicker than I seemed to leave the ground, and she landed first, too.  She shot past me, and did a simple lay-up before I’d regained my full composure from the jump.  I was only in time to catch the ball as it bounced my way.  Next, as I passed her the ball, I matched her, confidently in my speed.  I smirked, then she does the same, as she snapped back, throwing me off so I kept stumbling forward.  I turned back to face her as she let her arms come back to her side, then I turned just in time to see the ball swish through the net.  I passed it again, embarrassed, but determined to keep up.  She wasn’t going to make a fool of me.

 

“Come on, try harder, Alex.”

“Don’t get too damn cocky!”

“Oh?”  She laughs, a mocking question held in her tone.

 

            She moves in again, and I follow, barely keeping up, trying to be ready for any jukes she’d throw.  She soon jukes left, and I follow, but she immediately backs with a quick right juke, and right past me.  My ankle spins, and I lose balance, and slip to one knee, but I push off with everything in me to catch her in time.  As she goes up for the shot, I pound the ball from behind, sending it hard into the backboard, and back.  She misses it barely, as it flies through her closing arms, dead into my face.  After my instinctive motion, I realized I had the ball in my hands…I was finally on f*****g offense.  I smiled, as did she.  I knew this was mine, she couldn’t get there in time to stop me, and without pressure, there’s no way I’d miss.  With the form I so often watched, I shot the ball, and it was aimed perfectly in line.  Things slowed in my mind, the shot seemed perfect.  My pleasure soon faded, as the ball went too high, over the backboard, and into the black pole above, bouncing out of bounds.

 

            I never made a single point, as she shot the final shot.  21 to 0.  My ego shattered like glass, and when I looked around and saw Jeff watching, laughing to himself, each and every shard burst into grains.

 

“So the crazy girl can play, huh?”

 

            Some guy, in a sleeveless jersey and jeans.  He was pretty ripped, but I didn’t care about that.  I thought about what he said, and got annoyed quickly.

 

“Crazy girl?  You spew that s**t too, huh?”

“Not really.  I don’t know what the f**k happened, but everybody calls her crazy.  I’ve only been here a year, I don’t know any of that s**t.”

 

            He looks back to her, with an ugly a*s grin.  I hated him already…

 

“I was just wonderin’ if you were up for another game, babe.”

“Her name’s Alexia.”

“Oh?  Alexia, then.”

“Sure, let’s go.”  She spoke out, and my jaw dropped.

“Alright then, first to 30.  Sound good?  You get ball first…”

 

            Alexia looked over at me, and smiled, half sure of my answer to her next question, I expect.

 

“You wanna play some more, Alex?”

“Uhh…no.”

“Then you’ll be ref?”

“I’ll sit down out of the way…”

“Fair enough…”

 

            They played for a few minutes, on equal grounds.  Both got through the other, easier.  After a while, the guy decided to tighten down on defense, it seemed.  She couldn’t juke past, and after a few skirmishes for the ball, she dribbled slowly, her back to him, forcing him back slowly.  Soon, he caught on, and held his ground.  He reached for the ball when he thought he saw an opening, but I felt my temper flair as he deliberately reached for the ball through her legs, brushing her thighs a few too many times.  She changed, so her left shoulder was to him, pacing, trying to get around, and where he had no reason to reach anywhere near her legs.  Again, he made what he could of the situation, soon reaching across her, his hands brushing constantly across her chest as he reached for the ball…I did my best not to interrupt the game, but I wanted to sever his arms.  Finally, he deliberately places the palm of his hand on her chest, and she immediately shoulders him back, and shoots.  He stumbles back, and I see his lips peel back into a smile.

 

“Oh, you wanna play rough, huh?”  He ‘stretches his shoulders’ like he was about to do hard work…I did my best to avoid saying anything, but watching him carefully.

 

            He 'passes' the ball back to her, with way too much force.  It slams hard into her chest, just between her bust as her arms are forced around it.  I could almost hear the air seep out of her with the sickening 'thump' the ball met her with, as she paused for a moment, then checks it back.  As I stood up, she cut me a glare, and I met it coldly.  I sat back down, but if it got out of hand, I'd make damn sure it was over.    He tries the same again, his face all too smug.  She catches it in her arms, pulling her body out of the way of the ball, and the game continues.

 

            As she goes up for a lay-up, he swings to block, catching the width of her arm, and throwing her off balance in the air.  She lands on her side, caught off guard by his wild violence.  That was enough to me.

 

"Hey man, what the f**k?"

"What?  What'd I do?"

"I dunno how you usually play, but that's girl, for one!"

"I know, that's why I played as soft as I did."

"Soft?"  I looked at him sardonically, awaiting his response to that.

"Yeah, I don't play no rules with friends."

"She isn't your friend, and she can't-and won't play like that."  Alexia casts a casual glance towards me, but remained silent.

"I know, she IS pretty small.  What, she weighs like 119 or something?  She's real easy to throw."

"Let's play with no rules, then."

 

            I glared at Alexia, and the b*****d seemed surprised, but agreed smugly.  I pulled her to the side of the court.  What the f**k was she thinking?  Was she thinking?

 

            "Just for fun.  Not like we're gonna fight or anything."

"You don't have to fight, but you're gonna get hurt, regardless."

"Maybe, but that just makes it more fun.  I have that threat."  I held back what I really wanted to say.

"Alexia, aren't you smarter than this?"

"Don't you like to just kick back and have fun?"

"Ugh...no."

"Don't you wanna just stop being responsible and relax?  Sit back and enjoy yourself.  This is just for fun."

"I'm not gonna let you play if you'll get hurt.

 

            Was her ego moving her?  Was she just looking for a challenge?  Surely she wasn't a masochist, she didn't enjoy being hurt...was the rush of the game THAT much?  A mindless rush that would keep her on her feet...  I could see the fun in it, but I didn't see where it outweighed the risk.

 

"Alex, when has that ever worked in reality?"

 

            She was right.  That'd make things worse, if anything.  Worried that I would say something even more stupid, I reluctantly backed off.  This was foolish of her, and she obviously knew it.  Nothing I say would change her mind, because she already knew the gist of anything I would say.  Did she know what she was asking of me?  To sit back and watch while she play football with a perverse, violent f**k.  She wasn't aware of things this way...was she?

 

            A pretty gruesome spectacle, as I'd expected.  I didn't want to watch, but I did.  If things got too far, I was going to call the game off, rather she liked it or not.

 

            As the new game started, I noticed he kept his body close to her as he guarded her.  He wrapped his leg around hers so she couldn't run, had an arm around her waist to pull her as close as he could, and was reaching around her for the ball.  He could've had it numerous times, I noticed...but he didn't.  Did he think nobody noticed?  Alexia quickly elbowed him in the ribs, and he stumbles back as she shoots.   His leg around her's backfired, and nearly tripped him.

 

            He retrieved the ball, and passed it back to her, too hard.  She had dropped her guard obviously at that point, because I heard her utter a startled cry as it slams directly below her chest, and she drops it.  He laughs as she quickly rebounds it, looking up to see if I was watching.  She mutters to herself, and checks to him.  He does it again, and like before, she twists her body out of the ball's way.    She throws it back with her all, though he caught it with ease.

 

            What is she getting out of this?  The rush wasn’t worth this.  My blood boiled watching the game, and eventually, I got tired of watching, and looked elsewhere.  Jeff was watching the game, in disgust.  It's an irony, that he was the first thing I saw.  I was surprised to see him agitated, but I guess that didn't really make sense.  He was usually the type of guy to split up fights when someone got jumped, and I recall seeing him fight a guy just because he hit a girl before.  Sometimes, even he had a sense of moral, and I knew that at least now, we felt the same on this.  This moment, he wasn't the enemy.  He looks away from the game, at me.  No sneer, but his face was full of sincerity...he was wondering why I hadn't already stopped this...and that only made me feel worse.

 

            Looking for a loop-hole to Alexia's anger, I began looking for the coach, but he'd already left.  His idea of a full day was always against regulations.  I would have normally not cared, but at the moment, I cursed him.  I heard a noise, and I turned in time to see Alexia land on her feet, and the boy land hard in the bleachers on his back.  I saw his head snap back on impact as his neck slammed on the corner of a bleacher, and I loved the shock in his eyes.  I don't know what she'd done, but it was...effective, to say the least.  I saw the change in his eye, and I knew what was coming next.

 

"Alright Alexia, that's enough."

"...Huh?"

"I think you should stop for now, and catch your breath, at least."

 

            She stopped for a moment, using her head, I guess.  She knew he'd try and get her back, because he'd be embarrassed.  He was hurt in the ego, and regardless of what he physically felt, his ego was his main focus.  A girl-- a small girl, had shown him up.  He was going to be hell-bent on breaking her.  Now, it was more than just a game.

 

"Alright, I'll quit in a bit..."

"In a bit?"  I choked back the urge to scream at her, "Fine."  I found I didn’t care how sharply I was speaking at this point.

 

            She was having fun.  There was no way else she would be this irrational... regardless of the 'fun', to act so irresponsibly pissed me off.  I was reaching the limit of my patience.  She had to know he didn't give a f**k about the game anymore, so I wasn't going to bother spell it out.  She checked the ball to him, and he throws it back with all he had, much harder than before.  She'd seen how hard he'd thrown the ball, so she used her body to catch it.  The sound of it slamming into her chest echoed throughout the gym, but she held her ground.  I could see her arms were reddened from the game, and I'm sure her chest and stomach were going to be marked too.  I started my way down the bleachers, having changed my mind on letting her play.  I was going to stop the game now, before she got hurt.  I wasn't so stupid as to not see a power struggle right in front of me, and I realized then that's what the game was for her.

 

            Jeff got there before me.  He was pissed, I could see it in his face.  The guy didn't care what Jeff said until he hit a nerve, and then they began arguing back and forth.  I turned to my priority.

 

"Alexia, the game's over."

 

            She looks at the two who were arguing, then finally she reacts properly.

 

'Yeah, OK.  Only a few minutes left in class, anyway."

 

            I went over to the two, as Alexia went to the girl’s locker room.  I had newfound respect for Jeff, I admit.  He wasn’t as low as I’d have thought.

 

“It’s alright, game’s over.”  I tried to be mediator, for the second time in my life.

“And just who the F**K are you!?  You keep talkin’ a lot of p***y a*s s**t!”

 

            Jeff looks at me, and I’m reminded that we’re far from friends instantly.  Something in his eyes, I found I didn’t like.

 

“That’s Alex, her boyfriend, dumbass.”

 

            The guy looked at me, his eyes squinty.  They almost appeared glazed over, as the reddened taint and dilated pupils became more obvious.  It was the first time I’d noticed…he was high as humanly possible.

 

“Yo…my bad, man.”  Even with the serious face he attempted, he was hard to look at.

“It’s just…you’re so small, I thought you were a freshmen or something…Is that lipstick?” He asked suddenly, and Jeff smirked.

“Yes, it is.”

“Oh, you’re that gothic dude Jeff fucked up?”

 

            I felt a sudden urge to punch him, but it’d have been a waste.  I doubted he’d feel it.  I doubted he’d remember it.

 

“What about it?”

“Well, you wanna get’em back, right?”  Jeff’s face was grim almost instantaneously.

 

            The bell rang, and I waited for Alexia before I left out.  She took a while, and the bell had already rang again before she finally came out.  I could see her reddened arms, and into the ‘v’ of her shirt, I could see her chest, bruised slightly above the dip into her breasts.  She saw me look down, and her face turned red, too.  I looked back up into her face, and leaned closer to her, kissing her gently on the lips.  I wasn’t going to stare, and I wasn’t going to rub it in.

 

“Alexia, you’re late for class already, yunno…”

“Okay…”

 

Something was off.

 

“You’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just tired…”

“Of?”

“Nothing.”  She spoke sharply, then her tone softened, “I just feel drained and queasy, okay?”

“Should I go ahead and take you home?”

“No thanks, you have class anyway.”

 

            Something was wrong, her composure was too far gone.  I also noticed smaller bruises, smaller but darker, she was struck by more than the ball, I realized.  These were from small hands, but either way, they were there.  One on her neck, one on her collarbone, and another on her shoulder.  I kept my gaze fixed on them as I spoke, hoping she’d notice, now. 

 

“I’m skipping next class anyways, and going home.  You can just stay with me for a bit.”  I was almost pleading.
“I’m okay Alex, I promise.”

“No, you aren’t.”  I deliberately left my frustration slip into my voice, “You were weird this morning, too.  Tell me what’s wrong.”

“…Alex…”  She sighed, “Let’s go.”

“D****t!  Don’t avoid the question!”

“I’m not avoiding it, I’m just not answering it.”

I tried to soften my tone, but it was harder than I’d hoped. “I’m only worried about you.  You can’t tell me?”

“I could tell you, but I’d rather not.”

 

            I looked into the empty bleachers, as something in my head pulled wrong.  The next class was already beginning.

 

“Fine, then.  Forget I said anything.”

 

            She sighed to herself, and pushed her hair from over her shoulders.

 

“Jeff has a crush on me, he has for years.”

“Did you watch him or something, too?”

“No, he approached me, and tried to talk in private numerous times.”

“You?  The psycho?”  I almost laughed at his attitude now, though she was far from amused.

“I’m serious…”

“You have me, he has Lynn.”

“Yeah, but he talked to me in first block too, even with her there.  She’s been pissed with me ever since.”

“You mean in the locker room?”  I looked down at the bruises.  ‘Talking S**t’, apparently.

“You mean in the locker room?”

“Yeah, and class.  She moved in between me and Jeff, after he tried to wrap an arm around me.  She spent the majority of the class talking about ‘f****n’ me up’.  He told her she was stuck up, and that was all.”

 

            That look he gave me made sense, now.  Did he really expect a chance though, after he’d punched her in the face?  He hit her, and now he’s trying to make sad amends?  Perhaps he was envious of me.  All of this could very well be started because of her looking at me when he looked toward her.  Maybe all this time, he saw her watch me in his own disgust, spite, and envy.  Was he trying to belittle me, then?  To make her lose interest?  Knowing then I had what he couldn't made my lips peel back into a smile.  A smile Alexia misjudged.

 

“What’s so funny?”

“Nothing…did he really think he had a chance after doing that to your face?”

“He apologized, said he was too pissed, and didn’t even realize it was me.”

 

            I felt bad she was upset, but still, the reasoning to all of this made my day.  F**k Jeff and that w***e, f**k all that, I just couldn’t help the urge to laugh at this.

 

“Alex…”

“I’m sorry, but—“

“But what?”

“Lighten up.”  Her eyes flashed, dangerously.  I knew then she’d felt I was belittling her.  Too much pride…

“Says the one who morbidly drags through life, stretching his misery ‘till he can wrap himself inside of it.”

“That was…unnecessary.”

“Do you feel warm, do you feel safe inside your misery? Your little blanket of pain, you hate to be within it, you hate to leave it.  Worry about you before you can laugh at me.”  I started to argue, but I changed my mind to maintain peace.

“Okay, I get you…”

 

            Where the f**k was this coming from?  What’d I do, and why was she so irrationally pissed off about this?  Even more importantly, is this what she’d thought of me?  Suddenly, I didn’t want to hear a thing she had to say.  All this time, was she sifting through my emotions in silent disgust?  Did she embrace me with a smile, and call me grotesque?  Damn this…

 

“I’m gonna just go now.”  I removed my tone from my voice, to avoid sounding harsh.  To avoid sounding hurt.  I saw realization dawn in her eyes as I spoke.

“Bye.”

“Sorry Alex, It’s just—“

“Later…”

 

            I heard her calling to me as I walked away, but I ignored her.  I knew I’d probably hurt her feelings, but what reason was there to feel guilty?  She’d already gotten me, why did I already feel guilty?  I confided in her, I opened up to someone for the first time, and she sneered at me.  She examined me like a makeshift lab specimen, feeding me just enough to live.  What makes her so much better?  She still does the same thing in her own way, after all…

 

            The phone rang again, but I picked up the stereo remote, and turned the music higher so I couldn’t hear it.  I knew who it was, because she was the only one who ever called me.  I don’t know why I never just got the damned phone disconnected.

 

            The whole house was dark, pitch f*****g black.  The pain pulsed through my knuckles, trickling through as the blood dripped.  I’d punched the mirror, disgusted once again at the weak being within it.  I hated to admit it, but she was right…I was lowly, but I never tried to change.  This knowledge only made me feel worse, and thing is:  I still wasn’t changing.  All I ever did in the end was bleed, and indulge myself in the pain…much more emo than I ever realized.

 

            Why can’t I hate her?  In my mind, I told myself that maybe I misperceived, or maybe I’d just pissed her off-that she didn’t mean it.  I reacted too hastily.  How the f**k was it my fault?  Maybe she isn’t, maybe she wanted to apologize…maybe she’s hurt now…maybe she’s crying.  Why am I so f*****g guilty?

 

            I need a new mirror.  The dull ache in my hand reminded me of that as I clinched my fist.  The blood flow had stopped, and the caked blood cracked on my tightened fingers.  I began to wonder, how long since I punched the mirror?”

 

            I heard a knock on the door, and I was tempted to scream ‘f**k off’.  I walked in the pitch black, as I’d so often done, but I was now filled with a fearsome anticipation.  My heart was pounding, I could even hear it over the music.  I opened the door, and saw Alexia there, as expected.  I looked around for her brother’s car, but it wasn’t there.  No wonder she was breathless…

 

“Come on.”

 

            I stood aside and let her in, reluctantly at first.  As she passed by me, I noticed her cheek, reddened, but not swollen.  It was a recent bruise, and I had a guess of what happened.  Her brother, pissed with me, must've lashed out at her.  Damon must not have been home.  He couldn't have been.

 

"Alex, have you ever taken a call on your phone?"

"None to take."

"Of course not."

"What do you want?"

 

            I say this to anyone I don't care to be bothered with.  I saw in her eyes she read it for what it was, which wasn't how I'd meant it.  It was devoid of my usual, bitter meaning...I was longing to talk with her inside.

 

"I want to apologize."

"For what?  It wasn't those weak words that bothered me, it was what they meant."

"What'd they mean?"

 

            Was she trying to toy with me more?  Or, did she honestly not know?

 

"That you think I'm merely wallowing in despair, complaining about my misery, yet doing nothing to change."

 

            She paused for a moment, obvious hesitation.  These words were true, I admit it.    Still...I didn't want to hear them...not from her.  It meant so much more to me to know she saw me that way.

 

"I worded it wrongly, but I've said before you have to let some things go and move on.  The lipstick, the eyeliner...it doesn't hide a thing."

"What does it have to hide?"  It was a stupid question, I admit.

"The you, the emotions you try to deny."

"I don't deny being a p***y, so what am I hiding?"

"You know what you are, that's why I can see where blood was trickling on your sleeve.  You don't want to be seen that way, so you hide your face."

"Don't you see yourself as a murderer?"  I spat those words with a venom I had not for her, but for the words she spoke.  "Do you want to be seen that way?"

"No, but I won't deny what I am.  But what are YOU doing?"

"I'm...making a me that's easier to live with."

"You're just lying to yourself.  If this you were easier to accept, you wouldn't have scars on your wrist.  Stop faking, and be yourself."

"Worm or monster?  I'll stick with the monster, thanks..."  I took relief in her silence.

 

            I saw a flicker in her eye as she spoke, and I somehow felt hurt as I thought she was beginning to feel like she was wasting time.  Did she think I would change?  Did she think I could change?

 

"Alex, my point of coming here was to apologize, not to argue.  I really didn't mean to say what I did."

 

            I didn’t care about her damn regrets, and I didn’t need her apology.  I still couldn’t blame her, and I only found frustration in her guilt, no matter how I tried to tell myself she did need to apologize.

 

“I don’t give a f**k what you said, weren’t you listening?”

“I was, but—“

“Don’t worry about it…”

“I shouldn’t—“

“Really, it’s okay.”

“Have said that.”

 

            I couldn’t bite back the sudden smile that pulled on my cheeks.  Her persistence was a display of her sincerity.  I couldn’t help but smile at her.

 

“You’re so persistent.”

“Heh, yeah…I win, right?”

“Don’t play cute.”  I tried to sound stern, but a smirk was still pulling at my lips.

“So, it’s not working?”

 

            She made a ‘sad face’, and looked at me…I failed to keep a grin from spreading across my face.  I wanted to lean in, to kiss her…but I was supposed to be pissed.

 

“D****t, I’m supposed to be pissed!”

Whoops, wrong face, huh?”  She smiled softly, pleased with the outcome of her actions.

“Yeah, wrong face.”

 

            How the hell did she do that?  I was supposed to be angry, but just a short while in her presence, and I couldn’t feel it anymore.  Either no way in hell we weren't meant to be…or only in hell.  I know I definitely was afraid of losing her.  I decided then, that I would prove to her I’m not the way she views me.  I wanted to be as perfect in her eyes as she was in mine.

 

            The mood shifted, as I looked down below her eyes, at her cheek.  I saw the glint of light in her eye seem to fade, as she became aware of what I was doing.  She turned her head slightly, to hide her cheek.

 

“What happened to your face?”

“Me and Mike nearly got into it.”

“Nearly?”

 

            Smiles were gone, I was all ears.

 

“Nearly?”  I said again, as she hesitated.  She sighed.

“We argued for a few minutes about you being a psychopath, and then he punched me.”

I let my gaze harden to stone, “He punched you?  You say it so casually, does he do it often?”

“Only maybe once or twice, when he visits every month.”

“Only?  You’re his f****n’ sister!”

“Do I have to say he doesn’t care?”

 

            He truly was the lowest of the low.  In only a matter of minutes, my mood shifted once more.  A sudden notion occurred to me, and I felt an inner grimace at the thought.

 

“So then, he’s trying to take his anger at me out you?”

“All he ever needed was another reason to start.”

 

I felt guilty, suddenly.

 

“I know, and it can’t be helped…but something you could do…”  She smirked.

“I just got through running at least a good 3 miles…please don’t make me walk back.”

“Oh, you wanna ride?  Well, do you have any gas money?”

“I…uhh…”  She looked dejected, suddenly.

“Too easy.”

 

            It took her a moment to realize I’d only been joking, and she looked so relieved I couldn’t help but feel amused.

 

“You came all the way here…wanna do something fun?”

“Like what?”  She looked rather skeptically at me.

“You decide.”

 

            She was seriously surprised…I felt warm inside, looking at her as her face brightened.  At the same time, I realized she wasn’t even doubtful at first that I would’ve made her walk.  Obviously, instincts of someone who’s gotten used to the situation before.  That froze any inner warmth away easily.

 

“Why so nice?”  She looked questioning at my eyes for a flicker of change.

“Aren’t I always?” I already knew her answer.

“No.”  She laughed lightly at my question.

“Then walk home.”  Now she understood I wasn’t serious, but she still joked.

“You didn’t let me finish!”

“Yeah, right…”

“You’re usually nicer.” 

 

            I already knew this talk was just a sweet nothing, now.  I’d have never known I could actually enjoy it, though.  I took a moment to look for my keys, twirling them on my finger as I locked the door to the house-something unusual for me.

 

“So?”  I returned to the offer with mock impatience.

“Let’s go, I’ll show you.”

“Alright then.  Oh, what’s that on your arm?”

“Oh, I ran some of the way, I guess I fell…”  I looked at the familiar looking gash.

“You guess?”

“I fell.”

 

            The car slows to a stop in a parking space at…I forget the name of the place.  The instant I’d seen the place, she knew I was skeptical, but she still somehow got me to come in.  Actually, it wasn’t that hard.  I wasn’t wasting the gas money…

 

“Paintball?  Are you f****n’ kidding me?”

“I sense hostility…”  She teased.

“You’re 17, not 7.”

“It’s still fun.  Lighten up and enjoy yourself!  Oh wait…you can’t play this well either, can you?”

 

            I was taken aback.

 

“It’s not that, I—“

“—Suck at this, suck at basketball…shoot just isn’t in your vocabulary, is it?”

“No, I can shoot—“

“—Blanks.  Over the backboard.”

“Seriously, I can shoot!”

“Prove it.”

“Fine!  I WILL!  I’m gonna make you CHOKE on those words!”

 

            I’d quickly gotten frustrated, and I could feel heat burning my face.  I was sweating, but she merely smiled.  ‘She thinks this is funny?’ I thought, pissed off, ‘I’ll teach her…’

 

            As we began the game, I looked at my ridiculously colorful red blue and green gun, and realized something…

 

“YOU DIRTY LITTLE—“

“Gotcha.”

 

            How’d she find me so fast?  I ran through a turn, surprised, and barely avoiding her shot.  She’s too cunning, manipulating me into this…what a cheap move.  Losing wasn’t an option, she’d shown me up too many times…of course…that meant, I’d have to outsmart her.  That meant, I was fucked.  Still…I wouldn’t let her win…

 

            I took a deep breath, and prepared to move when suddenly my cell phone rang out…I don’t have a cell phone…

 

“The f**k?”

 

            I turned the phone off in a panic, as I realized just what’d happened.  Her phone.  I heard a soft tap behind me-a footstep, and I ran again, rushing through the maze and up some stairs.  I knew she’d pursue, but I wasn’t wearing jeans, so I had an advantage in speed, and she couldn’t hear me.  I hurried and jumped over the stairs, grabbing the guard rail with one hand, and waited, hanging out of view.  I wasn’t going to let her win.  Never.

 

            I held my breath as, soon enough, I heard similar soft taps coming from the direction opposite of where I’d run through.  That told me two things:  She has this place memorized for one, and that she’d planned on cutting me off.  She looked my way, and I tensed, waiting to see if she’d shoot…she didn’t see me.  I realized I truly did have the upper hand as she walked past, so I looked down for the length of the fall.  I could make it fine…

 

            She sighs, and I smile, aiming up and pulling the trigger.  Dead on, right in her thigh.  I managed to squeeze in two more shots before she found me, and then I dropped as she aimed, and scrambled out of sight.  I stopped for a moment and held my breath.  I could hear her trying to calm her breathing above me, before I heard the creak of the floor above as she began walking slowly, carefully.  I silently followed the creaking, until I found my way back up the stairs, where I lost her again.  I knew she was listening as hard as I, and that’s when another idea dawned on me…the cell phone…I turned it back on, turned the ringer up to max, and hid, waiting.

 

            I heard her step heavily, just to the end of the corner, then nothing sounded.  I could see nothing, nor could I even tell she was there except by what I’d last heard.  I held my breath, listening heavily, but only now hearing that damn ringtone.  I’d been anticipating something, but not this…

 

            My strength quickly turned against me.  If I came out to turn the phone off, surely she would spot me.  I guess I would have to wait it out with her.  A test of patience?  I already knew I’d lost.

 

            How could I turn the tables?  I thought on it for a while, before deciding maybe I could sneak around, and get her.  It’d beat waiting it out, because I definitely didn’t have her patience.  I took one last look at the space where she was, then turned to head another way.

 

“Oh s**t!”

“Payback.”

 

            She was right f*****g there!  How’d she get there in that little bit of time!?  I acted on the most basic animalistic instinct, and started a dash towards her, shooting.  I know she fired off three wild shots, torn in panic as only one hit, before having to turn and run, before getting run down.  I’d never have done it, but she didn’t call my bluff, fortunately.  The instant she panicked and turned, I knew I’d won that battle. 

 

            After five shots and me getting overexcited on my victory, she faked me out again, and I lost her.  I knew that was a mistake…now she has time to think…to plan.  Now I’ve got to try and outsmart her, again.

 

            Was it the stress?  I’d been sweating like crazy…I took off the vest I’d been wearing, and slung it over my shoulder, unaware of the fact it would come in handy…a convenient habit for once.

 

            I felt a light tap on my right shoulder, I'd been shot, but of course the vest shielded it...
I looked to the right...she was unaware I could see her. The surroundings...I'd been there before, I knew how to get to her...it was the same way she cut me off before. I walked slowly, she was unaware I'd seen her still...she thought she was in a safe spot.

            ...She saw me coming, and trained her gun on me, shaken that I’d come so quickly. I aimed at her, rushing with my shoulder first, using my vest as loose protection. I shot her in the knee, then in her neck, knocking her flat on her back. As she reached to retrieve her gun, I pressed my foot down on her arm, and she winced as the shot slugged into her shoulder. I don't know why, but this became more than a game somewhere along the line to me. It was a clash for egos now, my pride was at stake. I let all feelings of restraint down and ignored all feelings of guilt, and fired another shot into her shoulder, and she swore.  This is what she gets for challenging my whole masculinity…

"You give?"
"Dude, it's not that seri--"
"That's not what I asked."

            I aimed at her already colorful shirt once more, and she sighs.

"Fine, I give..."