With Eyes Open Wide

            I looked in the mirror, and saw how my makeup had run down my face.  My hair was the same color her's was...my makeup had run, only the way I always painted it though, and smeared.  I looked almost exactly like her.  I could feel her intense stare from the other side of the mirror burning in my mind.  It took me a moment to realize she wasn't there.  I hurriedly washed the makeup off my face, and looked into the mirror again, fearing that I might see her again.  I saw my face instead, and it seemed so...pathetic.  My eyes were red from crying, my cheeks were pale, and bruised.  There were scabs on my lips, which made them seem even dryer than they felt.  I licked my lips, but they remained dry.  I looked down at my side, near my ribs-I saw the scars.  At sight of them, I felt the same familiar presence as always in the room, close to me.  When I turned, there was nobody there.  I imagined it, I imagined mom had been in here.  Was I going crazy?  I never felt the presence so close to me, breathing on my neck as then.  Tears were never present until this night.  Maybe my emotions were still overcoming me...

 

"I couldn't have chosen a worse moment to break down."

 

After that statement, I imagined being at school with Jeff around.  There's always worse...

 

            A light joke, and a feeble attempt at getting my mind off of everything.  It worked.  Maybe it was just my ability to adopt finally working, but I only felt embarassment at that moment, for having broken down and cried.  Pushing things back might've been easier than I'd expected.

 

"You didn't tell me you were going in there to sleep!"

 

            I jumped, startled.  She brought me from my thoughts, back to the present moment.

 

"Patience is a virtue, Alexia!"

 

            Now she was fun again.  I smiled to myself as she spoke.

 

"Whoever said that didn't have to wait in line behind you just to take a shower!"

 

            I looked back down at my scar, and moved my fingers along it, as a child would a newly formed scab.  Seeing it made my stomach turn, and I quickly put on a regular sleeveless shirt, and stepped from the bathroom.  I didn't much care to feel a presence in the mirror anymore.  I'd forgotten Alexia was there, and she scared the s**t outta me.  She laughed, and I felt even more embarassed.  It was fun, because she wasn't OVER energetic, but she wasn't as depressed as she seemed before.  Her perkiness helped brighten me up.  This is how it feels to be content...

 

            I lay there, unable to sleep, full of thoughts.  I contemplated my past, and my immediate future.  What do I know?  I've been molded into the afterimage of my nightmares.  Subconsciously, I let mother bleed into reality.  I became a monster in her image...

 

            I tried to change my focus to something positive.  I have the only thing I've ever truly wanted, Alexia is with me now, and she's even more than I expected.  She has perfect control of herself it seems, sometimes.  Simply knowing her has opened my mind to so many things...to the world.  But as far as her control goes, what about Jeff?  Did she act on instinct or was she aware of what she was doing?  Why would she go back?  She doesn't cross me as stupid, so did she think she could beat him?  I realized how I'd drifted off in my thoughts, back into the negative, then I looked for the positive in her actions.  She tried to stick up for me, that's good...but she showed me up for a b***h.

 

"Alex, mind if I sit down?  Or are you gonna lay there all night?"

"I...actually am gonna lay here all night, you know."

"Oh Darn...

 

            She was still kidding around, even though it was 2:00 in the morning.  Was there a reason behind it?  I sat up, so she could sit next to me, then tried to beat her to the punchline, whatever her's might've been.

 

"Is there a reason you're still up?"

"Yes, of course there is."

"What is it, then?"

 

            I thought I'd get a serious answer, but...

 

"I haven't gone to sleep."

 

            I didn't respond to that, so she started again.

 

"It'd be nice if you told me what you were thinking about."

"Don't you already know?"

"Oh come on, I'm only human..."

"Or so you say..."

 

            She leans over onto me, and rests her head on my shoulder, taking me by surprise.  I froze for a moment, as she sighed, and relaxed against me.  I could feel her slow breathing, and then her heartbeat.  I closed my eyes, wrapped one arm around her, and let my head rest lightly on her's.  I exhale and try to relax, wondering if she was doing the same.  I love the serenity I find in these moments.  It's the only time I could focus on the straight now.  Again, I didn't want to let go of the change.

 

"Alex..."

"Hmm?"

"I'm sorry for earlier."

"For what?"

"Jeff.  I think it was stupid to hold you back, now.  I just try to stick with a rule, which is summed up as 'never throw the first punch.'"

"You know the first punch can be the deciding factor for the whole fight..."

"I know, I've lost fights because of that rule, I admit.  Still, when you start the fight, and deal that first punch, that means you were too immature to see anything else.  You're too simple minded to act with logic, so you revert to violence."

 

            Maybe she was right.  Maybe I was too quick to fight then, before I thought things out...

 

"Actually, that makes more sense than I'd expected."

"Not with someone like Jeff.  He plays too dirty for that."

"Yet you moved into the fight."

She thinks for a moment as if struggling to recall.  "What, his punch?  I don't mind."

"You went back in, why?"

"To fight him back."

"Wait...you wanted him to hit you?"

 

            I looked down at her, but her eys are closed.  She noticed I was no longer resting my head on her, and I saw her eyebrows shift in slight annoyance.

 

"No, but he did anyway.  All I could think to do was fight, cuz you were struck dumb already, and I was worried for you."

"Uhh...I..."

 

            Turned red.  That was humiliating, and she didn't even realize it until she felt me shift uncomfortably...she caught on I was embarrassed.

 

"It happens, Alex.  A cheap shot can do that.  If I punched you and you expected it, it might hurt more, but you rebound from it quicker.  If you don't expect it, you still have to contemplate what happened, as you're completely lost."

"I KNOW that!"

 

            She made me feel like a loser...I put my head on her's, hoping for her to NOT go any further, and make me feel lower.

 

"You were gonna fight for me?"

"Wouldn't you do the same?"

 

            She knew the answer.  I didn't bother respond to that.  While we were being serious, I moved onto another matter.

 

"Sorry about your brother."

"Hmm?"

"For jumping on your brother earlier.  I should've had enough respect for you to show restraint."

"Who cares?"

 

            That caught me off guard, like so many things she says.

 

"I'd kick his a*s if he wasn't my brother.  I only stopped you because of that."

 

            I loved the edge in her voice.  It showed me more about her than she could realize.  She seemed so sweet and adorable...but she knew as well as I did there was a violent edge in her when it came to her damn brother.  Even now, with her soft, calm heartbeat against my chest, I could feel that wanted to let loose on him, on some level.  I loved knowing-especially then, that she wasn't so audacious or deluded as to believe in such a fleeting dream, that violence isn't necessary.

 

"You go back home tomorrow, don't you?"

"Yeah.  But I'll wait till after school."

 

            I felt empty, suddenly.  I felt as if she was already gone.  The world momentarily closed away from me, and I yearned for her.  I realized how hard it would be with her gone now, the desolation I once welcomed felt overwhelming in my mind.  I thought of her return home, keeping in mind her family was more than likely pissed with me, and had no quirks taking it out on her.

 

“Alexia, you’re gonna be okay at home, right?”

“Yeah, but I’d appreciate it if you stayed for a while.”

“I’ll try, but I gotta go to work, so I couldn’t stay for too long.”

“I don’t need too much time, I promise.”

 

            She got up slowly, facing me.  She smiled brightly, and it easily brought a soft smile across my own lips…I loved the warmth brought forth from these simple, sincere smiles.  I want her to always smile, and I wanted nothing to ever take her smile away.

 

 “Thanks for letting me stay.  I really enjoyed it, and the break from my family was more than I expected.”

“You’re welcome.”

 

            She looked at me for a moment, and I felt her gaze seem to pierce through me.  I felt my face burning red, so I turned my head so my hair got in the way, trying to hide it.

 

“You really do look so much better without makeup.”

 

            Killjoy.

 

“I’m not pretty enough.”

 

            She smiles softly, as she walks away.

 

“Night, Alex.”

“Goodnight, Alexia…”

 

            I felt a sudden strange desire to say ‘I love you’ as she walked away…it startled me, as I choked it down easily, left with nothing but the awkward sensation and inner embarrassment.  I lay back down, my mind focused on recent events.  Slowly, I dozed off, wrapped in the seemingly perfect relationship I was in.  My only imperfect thought…’how long would it last?’