Perception of Colors, Understanding of Light

I saw her the next day; her hair was in one straight braid, running down her left shoulder, to her chest. Some loose hair was lightly curled against her opposite cheek, and she wore a dark blue shirt, and black jeans. A silver bangle shimmered in the sun upon her wrist, and her eyes seemed to radiate more light and warmth than the sun itself. She felt my eyes upon her, as she picked up her school books, I knew it. Normally, her clothing was repetitive, the same colors, the same outfit sometimes, even. As she sat down in the passenger seat of the car beside me, I couldn’t help but wonder, as I saw blinds over the one window of the trailer rustle.

"Where’s your dad workin’?"

"He can’t work anymore, his injury’s too much."

"What exactly is his injury?"

She remained silent for a moment.

"I don’t know, I’ve never spoken with him about it."

I looked once more at the window, as his silhouette remains distinct behind the blinds. Maria, looked out of the window, then at me, her empty eyes betrayed her now.

"I don’t mean to sound pushy…"

"It’s okay, I’m going."

I reached up to turn on the radio as I turned onto the road, but I soon decided against it.

"Maria…"

"Hmm?"

"You’re very pretty, you know that right?"

"What?"

"Nothing. I just thought you should know.

Like I predicted, she shifted uncomfortably. I smirked, aware she neither had a clue where my comment came from, or where I intended for it to go. I didn’t say anything more, until we parked in the parking lot, and I took my keys from the ignition.

"Maria…" She remained silent.

"Try and have a good day, alright? I know you had a rough morning, I spoke with your boss."

"You what!?" Her widened eyes looked at me, fear apparent in them, "Why?"

"I stopped at a gas station on the way there, she was there."

"What’d she say?"

"She said you’re a good worker, but you’re too uptight. Customers think that you’re rude."

"She’s not gonna fire me, is she?"

"She didn’t say anything like that!"

I had to remember this was all she had as a life. I walked her to her first class, Psychology, as I went on to mine. Sitting in Trigonometry, all I could think about was her, miserable in that class. Mike elbowed me to get my attention, and then pointed to Rob, behind me. I was so lost I hadn’t noticed him saying my name repetitively.

"Yo man, you broke up with Sharon? The hell is wrong wit’ you?"

"What? I didn’t, she got too damn uptight, and—" Rob cut me off.

"There you go, speakin' all proper…somethin’s up, ain’t it?"

"Nah, man. I got this." I hated speaking this way. It never came natural to me…

"So, you gon’ hook back up with Sharon?"

"Nah, we done, man."

"Kay then…you gon’ hook up wit’ the silent queen?"

I hesitated for a moment…how the hell did he even know? He took my hesitation as a ‘yes’.

"Well, be careful, man. I heard she got some bipolar disorder, or somethin’…"

"I think whatever happens, I’ll be fine."

I could hardly concentrate in class, I was worried about her. It was miserable, thinking that someone was picking on her, and I couldn’t help. I hate feeling powerless, but that’s what I was. At lunch, I tried to relax, I sat alone in the courtyard, near the garden. I saw a familiar face walking towards me soon, and I stood up, aware what was about to happen.

"Aye man, the hell you broke up wit’ my sista fo’?"

"Dre, man. You know it ain’t like—"

"I ain’t even tryin’ to hear yo s’cuse!"

I moved back as he reached for me, my heart moving even faster than me. How the hell could I take this big b*****d down, without getting in trouble? He caught me, snatching me forward and then up against the wall. Cornered, I threw a hook with my right arm, punching him in his nose, and he stumbles back, covering it. Blood trickles through his fingers, and as he looked back up at me, putting his hand in his pocket, I knew I was screwed.

Mike suddenly grabbed Andre from behind, slamming him face forward against the red brick wall.

"Let it go, man!"

"He messin’ wit’ my family! I ain’t gon’ ever let it go!"

"You not gon’ touch him. If you do, coach gon’ cut you from the team."

"Get off me."

"Chill man…"

"Get the hell off me!"

"Jay, the hell you standin’ there for? Move out the way, I got this."

Mike was a big guy, and the captain of our football team. As big as Andre was, he couldn’t keep up with Mike by a long shot, and he knew it. When Mike said ‘he got it’, I knew he meant it. I left to my other sanctuary in the school, the abandoned office. I wasn’t supposed to be in there, it was to be torn down, after all. I never got caught, and I needed the break. As I walked under the boards, into the building, I froze, surprised with the person I saw.

 

"Maria?"

"Jordan."

She didn’t sound even remotely surprised.

"You go in here too?"

"I need the escape. I usually just go into a different room when you come, but now…"

"Have you already eaten?"

"No. And neither have you. I’m in no hurry to leave here, I don’t pay for lunch."

"Come on, I’ll pay for you…"

"No. Leave it alone."

I grabbed her by the wrist, and began pulling her. She struggled momentarily, and then she came with me. She whispered a ‘thank you, but…’ many times, but I always said something to cut her off. We ate from the canteen, I never cared to stand in those massive lines, filled with so many people like ants…

"Jordan, may I ask for a ride home, today?" I was dumbfounded.

"Of course. Like I said, you shouldn’t have to ride the bus with those morons."

"Could you drop me off at work?"

I stopped eating for a moment, to look at her, she was dead serious. Now, I also noticed other eyes from all around us. I wondered for a moment if this would hurt my reputation as well. After small consideration, I realized how little I cared.

"Why?"

"The boss told me to come back and work some overtime. A co-worker quit yesterday."

"So you’re filling in for them? How much overtime are we talking?"

"Hey, I was right! Jay and…"

"Maria." I filled in for Rob, as he sat down beside us.

"Right. Maria. How are you?"

Maria looked at Rob with that same stare she’d always had during class. I think at this point I had figured it out, this was her makeshift safety blanket, and cold silence was her shell. Rob was…her enemy; she wasn’t even going to try to speak to him…

"Maria, meet Rob. Rob is one of my best friends." I introduced her, hanging the threat of insulting me by ignoring him over her head. It was wrong, maybe, but it’d help in the long run, I figured. She looked at me with a strong disdain…then she turned to him.

"Hello…"

"Hello…hello…" Rob said, mocking how she said the full word. I punched his shoulder.

"Yo, ‘sup?" Rob said.

"Nothing much. Just waiting for lunch to end." He looked at her choking back the desire to laugh, but she saw it in his face.

"What’s so funny?"

"Nothin’ girl, chill."

She cast a glance over to me, but her eyes quickly refocused on him as he spoke.

"So, you two datin’?"

"Does it matter?" She spoke quickly, almost bitterly.

"Nah, I’m just nosy. I’m ‘bout to go to class. See ya’ll."

As he walked away, I could hear him burst into laughter, commenting on ‘I don’t know what I’m getting myself into’. He didn’t know what I was getting into, but I suppose I should’ve appreciated his concern.

Maria suddenly put her head down, she was pissed. I could almost feel a threat emanating from her, as she spoke. Her voice was low, and monotone-but it felt like she were spewing flames which would lap at my entire being.

"How is he your friend? He doesn’t give a damn about anybody but himself."

"What gives you the right to say that?" I spoke passively, but had it been another guy, I’d have found no quirks punching them in the mouth’s that spewed those malicious words.

"He’s my cousin on my mom’s side. He’s the one that started so many of those ‘arrogant’ and ‘psycho’ rumors."

"Still, he is my friend. You don’t see me talking about your dad. Relax, I’ll talk to him if I need to."

She muttered something to herself, and put her head down on the table. I thought for a moment, and then I picked her head up, lifting it gently by her chin. Her eyes held a cold intensity, a flame of distrust, of immature insecurity. No matter how strong she’d like to appear, she’s frail inside…she’s only bitter because she’s hurt.

"Don’t worry, I won’t let him, or anyone, bother you. I can’t let…listen, you don’t have to be so afraid of everything and paranoid. I promise you I’ll protect you."

"You can’t protect yourself from everything, let alone me."

"I’ll protect you from what I can, okay?"

I was speaking softly, doing my best to sound reassuring. I wanted to relieve her of these insecure fears…it sure as hell wouldn’t help anything for her. As I spoke, I found myself leaning closer to her, as I could see the flame in her eye calm, the defiance was gone for now. I felt I could see into the calm of her mind, just from her eyes, and I didn’t want to look away. Slowly, I leaned closer to her, until our foreheads touched.

"You can trust me…"

I moved my lips forward to kiss her, a subconscious motion I had not fully noticed…then I jumped at the loud noise, pulling backwards, away. I saw her eyes, they were steady again, and she was closed off. Damned bell…

"We’d…better go to class…" She said, her voice almost a whisper.

"Yeah…right…"

Mike wasn’t in class. Considering the circumstances we’d been under, it was only now I felt guilty. I forgot all about him, and what if he got in trouble? What if Andre and some of his friends jumped him? It wasn’t even his conflict, it was mine.

"Yo man, where Mike at?" Rob was just as concerned as me, he probably knew what happened.

"I dunno. Don’t like this…"

I noticed the class was unusually silent. Rob was ignoring Maria…the teacher was absent, we had a substitute. The sub was asleep. Maria looked up at the teacher, and then I noticed her cast a glance back at me, her eyes hidden behind her armor again. It began to remind me of a puppet, wrapped in skin. No personality, no soul…only moving according to how it was instructed. It was funny, how easy it was to compare her to a puppet of flesh.

At the end of the day, I took Maria to work. I sat there with her, in the parking lot, too lazy to get out of the car. We were an hour early, anyway…

"Yo man, step out."

"Wha—Andre?"

Damn it all to hell, he had great timing. Before she even spoke, he was at my window. I wasn’t blind, his nose had a strap across it now, and his knife was right there against my temple. How’d I go and get myself into this mess? Was I really going to die?

"Dre…"

"Did I stutter?"

I found myself laughing, I was hysteric suddenly, and I don’t know why. My heart jumped into my throat as suddenly, Maria’s voice rang out clearly through the parking lot.

"Back off!"

I fell short of breath, looking at the sheen of a revolver reflected in moonlight as it pressed against Andre’s forehead. He panicked, as he jumped back he fell. I took the chance to open the door, and ran to get his knife as it clamored to the pavement. As I grabbed it, I realized too late that he wasn’t alone; I looked up to see three other people, with pipes and wooden bats in their hands. Behind them, I could see Sharon. Her eyes were red from crying…she caused this…

She caused this. She couldn’t leave well enough alone, her only goal the instant Maria entered the picture was to make me miserable. She wanted me damn miserable…and I wanted her to hurt now, too. I only wished she knew how I was feeling. I wished it was her in these shoes, and not me.

"Sharon, what the hell do you want!? You broke up with me, you got your cousin on me, and now you’re gonna bring your brothers? Screw this, you’re done." All of you, you’re done. I wanted them gone, now. I wanted to see blood.

They started towards me, slow, and smug. I heard Maria’s door slam on the Buick, and I knew then she made a mistake.

"Maria, get back in—"

"Oh my God, she’s got a gun!"

Suddenly, the parking lot was an uproar. People rushed in and out of the restaurant, screaming, rushing like ants under pesticide…nowhere. I caught a glimpse of Maria’s boss, she stopped, and I saw her mouth Maria’s name. Maria saw it too, and that’s when tears came. There was no way in hell she’d have her job…now she had nothing left.

Still, she didn’t shoot, even when the police came. She wasn’t arrested-it was considered self defense. The camera's evidence, and questioning in the parking lot sufficed. We were promised that we’d be pulled out of class, to speak some more, and decide how things would be handled. It was fortunate…but unrealistic. If not for Andre’s confession that they came to jump me-to jump us, then we’d have been the ones taken in handcuffs. And still, I’m sure they didn’t get in but so much trouble…

I saw Maria’s boss lock the door to the restaurant, saying it was better if the police escorted us home, now. They only escorted us part way, and I only wanted time with her, away from everyone else. I stepped on the dust and patches of grass they called a yard, and pulled her close. It wasn’t long before I felt tears dampen my shoulder, and felt the heave of her crying against me.

"Maria, everything’s okay, you can get another job, and—"

"No, everything’s wrong. Everything. I don’t know if I can care anymore, Jordan."

"What do you mean, ‘if you can care’? You don’t know what you’re saying."

"There’s nothing for me to bother for. I appreciate everything you’ve done for me…but there’s nothing worth it now…"

"Not me?"

I pressed my forehead against her’s. Anything I could do to make her feel better.

"I don’t know…"

"Maria…"

I pulled away, neither of us were really feeling anything. She forced a smile, but her eyes were truly hollow now. There was nothing to read, there was no feel emanating…just a hollow despair.

"Please, try and calm down tonight, okay? We’ll talk tomorrow, when you’ve had time to calm down. You’re not thinking straight now…"

She hesitated, then nodded, spiritually empty. I came closer, and kissed her on the forehead, noticing for the first time it was night now. The sky was clear, and empty, empty as she was then. It was almost like the blanket of darkness above engulfed us, like it engulfed the world and left a silent depression. I failed to protect her, I failed to help her.

"Night, Maria…"

"Night…"

That night, I dreamed my end. I had no time to say goodbye to my friends, only to look up, as I was pushed into the damn police car. I only had time to look up and see their scornful faces ignoring me, turning to her being handcuffed. She screwed me over. It was her fault, to them. It was all her damn fault.

I was awakened at 6:38 by my mother’s frantic shouting my name. I hardly slept, in one nightmare, and into another. My head was splitting, my mind was shot to hell. I looked up at my clock, and then my thoughts focused as my mother said there were policemen there to see me.

I jumped out of bed, frantic, afraid, but prepared for finality on this grim feeling. If I was going to jail, or freedom, I just had to know. I also wanted to know that she would be okay…I was afraid of this…but I needed it.

"Would you be Jordan Deminski, young man?"

"Yes sir, we needed to talk, right?"

I saw my mother in her night gown, trembling in the kitchen. She was biting her fingernails, unaware of what was happening.

"You were a victim to the events that took place, were you not?"

"A victim?"

"Yes, a victim. You and Miss Dirven were the victims in last night’s little incidents, am I wrong?" My thoughts raced to Maria…

"Maria, right? Is she okay?"

"That’s the thing, son."

My heart sank; I was terrified of what he might say.

"We arrived at her house an hour ago, and she was found dead in her room."