From Dark to Grey

As we got into my beat up Buick, I couldn't help but feel embarrassment burning my face as she played with the tattered fabric of the seat. Sharon remained wordless as she slammed the passenger seat door, and as I leaned over to kiss her, she confirmed my suspicion by looking away. I sighed, and sat upright, to reason with her, more annoyed than concerned.

"Come on, Sharon, you mad?"

"Don't know what you talkin' 'bout." She crossed her arms, and leaned against the door, looking out of the window.

"I know you, girl, but ain't no reason for you to be mad at this, she missed her bus."

"I'm sorry if I'm causing any trouble..." Maria spoke softly, looking up, and away from the fabric of the seat.

Sharon's eyes darted back, and I saw her brow crease downward, I knew what was going to happen...

"Sorry if you're causing trouble?" Sharon said in a mocking pitch.

"Sharon, chill..." I knew it didn't matter at this point.

My heart skipped a beat as Sharon's arm reached backwards, grabbing Maria's shirt, and pulling her forward. I reached my hand out quickly, catching Maria and pushing her back towards the seat, and I grabbed Sharon's arm with my left arm, pushing her away from Maria. Maria's face was dull once more, as she sat back in the seat and watched us, her stare chilling me.

"Hell, you got this devil girl up in this car wit' me, the hell's wrong wit' you?"

"It ain't even all like that..."

"Whatever. Drive, Jay." She went into her shell, and I knew to say nothing to her.

As I dropped Sharon off at her home, she looked at me, then at Maria. Maria's eyes met her, passionless, and empty as before. Sharon continued to stare, as she spoke to me.

"Jay, I hope this mute s**t's worth it."

"Worth what?" I paused as it dawned on me, "Sharon, no..."

"Bye."

"Sharon, it's not even--"

"--I know it's not. It's nothing now. You gon' let this lil' devil mute between us? We done, Jay..."

I accepted facts easier than I imagined I would. It didn't even hurt, there was no love in our relationship, I guess. I looked at Maria, her eyes upon me, melancholy, still...almost unblinking. She bit her bottom lip, and I knew she was blaming herself. I only wished then, I could make her understand how little it really mattered. I sighed, as I began to drive away, asking Maria the questions that would only have been expected.

"What road do you live on?"

"I live down Carleson Road, at the trailer park."

"The trailer park, huh?"

"Yeah..."

I knew what she was talking about, so I had nothing more to say. Three streets down, the CD began to skip, and so I took it out. I heard Maria start low, then she spoke louder. I could tell she was nervous.

"I'm sorry about your girlfriend."

"To hell with her. She was always uptight about something, nothin' to apologize for."

"I'm sorry."

I sighed, "So, you hungry?"

"What?"

"I can hear your stomach with the radio off."

I peeked up into the rearview just in time to see her place a hand on her stomach, and her cheeks began to burn red. I smiled at her, as I pulled over to a restaurant whose name I've forgotten. She immediately began to protest, but I cut her off.

"It's no problem, I'm hungry too. If you want, you can pay me back later, okay?"

"Jordan..."

We sat across from each other, the polished wooden table only held one menu. In all actuality, I wasn't hungry, so when the waitress came, I ordered a small salad. As the waitress' walked away, Maria's eyes met mine, fully aware then of what'd happened. I smiled at her, and she looked away, first her face holding frustration, but she failed to bite back the smile that formed on her pretty lips.

As we ate, she slowly opened up, shedding that doll-like skin, and letting me see the real her. It's amazing how the simple question, "How's life?" lets you peek beneath the skin. Her mother was dead, and she was living with her father. She said her father struggles to hold up the rent for the trailer, but he's currently in-between jobs, and they don't know what to do. She's been supporting the rent by working two jobs at restaurants, both morning jobs. Her mother's side of the family hates her father, and his side of the family won't associate with them, because they hated her mother, and he split with them to be with her. They have nobody to turn to, so they have to struggle on their own.

She began hesitating with her story, saying that her ex boyfriend was the head of a gang, and that he used to abuse her. He also helped them pay rent sometimes, so she figured things weren't as bad as they seemed, until one day they got into an argument. She'd embarrassed him in front of his gang, and he wouldn't let it down. After school one day, he drug her out of class, and she was jumped by 4 so-called grown men. The police caught 2 of them, and that too, became her fault.

She said that her friends stopped hanging around her, because they were afraid of what would happen, and some people started to pick on her, after she burst into tears one day in the school's cafeteria. She'd worn the same clothes all that week, she'd just been fired from one of her jobs, and her father had just been injured on his new job as a construction worker.

She said it was then that it dawned on her, that she wouldn't last. Her father began to take his frustration with the job out on her, but he never meant to hurt her. She still can't forgive him, and she still can't help herself. According to her, she just couldn't find it in herself to bother smiling anymore, and nobody cared. She'd go until she couldn't anymore, and she'd soon be buried beneath the swarm as everyone continues their happy lives.

"Maria...I'm sorry that this... I never knew you had things so rough..."

I felt guilty, I didn't know anything. I've been home at night, talking on the phone with Sharon, speaking these sad, meaningless nothings with her. At the same time, this girl was at home, probably curled up and crying on a spring ridden, filthy bed, as her father yelled at her about how they weren't going to make it. She was crying, because she knew it was true. My chest tightened, as did my throat, as I thought of how desperate she felt, trying to make ends meet at 16. I thought of the sorrow her father had to feel, because he had no outlet for the world except his own world. For a moment, I thought I would cry, sitting before this girl I'd come to care about eating a salad, while she told me her life was on a descent into hell.

"I don't have a right to go on like this, everyone has their cross to bear." She looked down at the three empty plates before her, reconsidering her next order and dismissing the waitress.

"It's okay, if you want more," I offered, "I'm really sorry I never tried to help you...and I thought of you all this time before--"

"--Everyone has their cross to bear. Thank you for the meal, and thank you for your help."

"Listen...Maria, if you need anything, you can just ask me--"

"--Jordan, don't--"

"--I'm serious. If there's anything you need, money, a place to stay...you can stay in the guestroom at my house. I just got promoted to manager at my job, I can spare a little money...anything you need. If you only need a friend, someone to talk to--"

"A friend sounds nice." She smiled, and it warmed me, because I know somehow I got through to her.

I hadn't noticed that I'd taken her hand in mine, but she did. She didn't pull her hand away, her fingers closed into mine, and we held an awkward silence for a moment. I felt my face heating, as I pulled my hand back away from her's.

"It's getting late, I should get you home."

"Oh, yeah..."

The ride home was silent, it was peaceful. This was more than I ever had from Sharon, and I found solace in comforting Maria. In the short while I'd come to know her, I cared about her more than I did Sharon, despite her having 2 years more. We pulled up to her trailer as I struggled to clear my mind of what I could do to help her. Her father came outside, shocked to see a car pulling to his trailer. Maria and I stepped out to greet him. I offered the defensive man my hand, he looked at it with discontent.

"What're you doin' with my daughter, young man? Maria, don't you know what time it is?"

"I missed the bus, dad. Jordan here gave me a ride home."

"Jordan, huh?" He looked down at my shoes, clean and white. He was barefoot.

"Yeah, Mr....yes sir. It's a pleasure to meet you." I didn't know their last name...

"Well, I'ma give you two a moment to talk. Maria, we need to talk when you get in." She shuttered as he closed the trailer screen door behind him.

I was so taken by surprise as she wrapped her arms around me, that I hesitated before letting mine slide around her. It was a simple, friendly hug...but I never expected it from her. She held onto me for a moment, and I could smell the mixture of her deodorant, unwashed clothing, and a light body odor. I ignored it, as she let me go, and took a step back.

"Thank you for today, Jordan. I really appreciate the ride and the meal."

"It's no problem. What time should I pick you up tomorrow?"

"What?"

"I can't let you ride that bus..."

It's funny, she was the first person I could talk to. I had my friends, but they picked on me when I talked oftentimes, because I'd slip. I've never felt comfortable with slang...it just wasn't me. With her, I could let go and be me, whatever that meant.