7 deadly sins (intro)

This is a story Based on the catholic and christian religion with a blend of the Japanese,French,and western culture. This story follows our 7 fallen angel (Black angels).

7 deadly sins (intro)

intro

In the beginning, after God created the Heaven and the Earth he created guardians which would watch and protect his creations both known and unknown to man. He called these guardians Angels,and they where created as Gods soldiers and faithful followers. They were pure creatures, created from Gods own blood. These pure Of these Angels he had a favorite named Lucifer. Lucifer was Gods closest Angel and became his "adviser" for the human race that would soon come and populate the Earth. As time went on and Lucifer saw the first Man and Women on Earth,Adam and Eve. He felt that he should be able to rule of the inferior human race and left the heavens to go to Earth. He toke on the form of a serpent as he watched the two humans in envy as they were free to roam and rule over animals that god mad. Lucifer was vexed on why God gave the humans power and freedom and not him nor the other Angels. As Lucifer waited for his time to deceive and trick  Eve into eating the fruit of knowledge God watched in disappointment of his own son trick his creations into sin and evil. Once Adam and Eve were tricked they were know exposed to right and wrong and was approached by God who already knew the sin they have committed and they were banished from the garden of Eden. Lucifer watched from the Heavens as god exiled them and was pleased in with his success.

God entered Heaven furious at Lucifer and with a heavy heart banished his son to a realm he created for humans who sinned and did'int repent called hell. This realm was full of sin and malice a place for the wicked to be chained and burned alive paying for there sin seven fold. Lucifer was no longer pure and was now a Black angel. He was no longer the same Angel as darkness and sin toke over his body causing his wings to turn into a jet black and his powers expanded allowing him to use both archangel magic and dark magic. Lucifer was now Satan the prince of darkness and evil,and with this new title and power he waged war on his farther. Satan escaped from his fiery chains  in rage as he stormed Heaven and stained as many Angels he could with corruption and evil causing them to fall to Earth before God sealed him back to hell. These fallen angels were now stained with sin and where left to wander the world in disguise. Satan recruited some of these fallen angels for his next war against God, while others decided to live simple lives as humans and lived as immortals and spread the word of god.God noticed these fallen angels and blessed them with special kids that were hybrids of angels and demons. Demons were the opposite of angels and were meant to test the humans faith in God and used to lure them away from god. Demons were mad from Gods blood as well and he wanted Satan to get them so he could make even more demons to roam the earth and test more and more humans. Eventually Satan gathered enough fallen angels and lead a other charge at the heavens causing more blood shed and more fallen angels. Here is also where he saw the first demon bound by angelic chains to restrained it. Satan freed it and toke it back to hell where  realized that demons were more sinister and stronger then angels. He found that fully engulfing a fallen angel in evil would make it a demon,so he went out in search of fallen angels. Over centuries he spent purging angels from Earth turning them into Demons to use against God. As the 21 century came less fallen angels were on Earth and the parent angels who where selected  to bare there special kids left them with mythical creatures from around the world to raise and train them so they wouldn't be hunted and used as demons.

Author's Note

This is my first story here on this website,and im excited to see what feedback i get from all you experienced writers. So please critic me on my grammar,syntax,and diction.

Reviews

[AloneWeTravelThroughThe..]

"So please critic me on my grammar,syntax,and diction."

Um. Okay...

"In the begging"

beginning. Unless you intend to imply that after God created everything (or whatever) there was a time of great begging, in which people pleaded for alms.

"In the begging after Gods created the Heavens and the Earth"

You need a comma after "beginning", and another after "Earth". This is also the first of several instances in which you refer to "God" sporadically in the plural, as "Gods".

"created guardians that would watch"

Grammar here. You need "which", or "who", not "that".

"watch and protect hes creations both known and unknown to man"

Probably a typo, but you need "his" here instead of "hes". And, of course, a comma after "creations". Also, and of course this is a matter of taste, but your wording here: "both known and unknown to man" is a little clunky, and it's a bit of an awkward intro to the following subject.

"He called these warriors Angels,and they where created as Gods soldiers and faithful followers."

You called them "guardians" earlier, and "warriors" here. These two words are similar, but not necessarily interchangeable. In this instance, the piece would be better served by putting the explanation before the switch in wording. There's no space after your comma. The word you need is "were", not "where". There should be an apostrophe here. "God's", not "Gods".

"They were pure creatures, created from Gods own blood.Of these"

Again, a missing apostrophe in "Gods" (sic). Missing space after "blood.". The constant use of "They were X", "and" "they were Y", "and" "these were Z" is getting redundant, repetitive, overused. It's frankly hard to keep reading. Boredom sets in quickly with the average reader, and repetitive -anything- tends to lull them away.

"had a favorite named Lucifer"

Comma before "named".

"Lucifer was Gods closest Angel and became his "adviser""

Apostrophe in "Gods" (sic). The use of "closest" here isn't very effective. "Angel" should not be capitalized in this instance. Also, "advisor", not "adviser".

I don't want to become tedious and nitpicky, so I've only touched on a few of the errors in these first lines. There are many more, both in the lines I've mentioned, and continuing throughout the entire piece.

Grammar and syntax are poor, spelling is poor, diction is bland, and punctuation is sporadic.

As for the subject, it doesn't seem like a new story, more like an article attempting (but not succeeding) in comparing the sorts of general information one could find on Wikipedia, and trying (and again, not succeeding) in conveying that information in a psuedo story-form. If that's what you're going for, I think it could be more successful if the technical issues were cleaned up. A lot.

On the plus side, I do think it could be fixed, and the ending is intriguing, and could possibly be transformed into a cool story by a skilled and dedicated hand.

I hope something in here is useful to you. As always, feel free to keep what helps and ignore anything that doesn't. Good luck, and happy writing!

[Braylan Willis]

... The only thing i can say to this is thank you for the grammer help i was tired when i started writing and i wasnt paying attention.Besides that there was things i didnt know it had to be in a ,so again thanks
certain way

[AloneWeTravelThroughTheShadows]

glad to be of service :) Thanks for taking it in the helpful spirit it was intended!

[Daniel Seward]

Interesting reading. I find worrying about grammar and syntax rather tedious so I'll just comment on the story in general. My overall impression was that you are writing a kind of mythology. You have archetypical figures doing symbolic things that explain how the world works. This is really good for readers who like a general story. However, if you are looking for more to write you could go into some of this general stuff and explain it in detail. For instance: what was the exact dialogue between God and Lucifer when Lucifer fell. What sort of vindictive things did he say to God? Or what are some actual demon stories as they try to live earthly lives? There is a lot you can do with this.
Or you could keep writing in general terms too. Most experienced authors, however, do get into the details. It makes your writing more real.
Best of luck,
Dan

[Braylan Willis]

Thank you so much. I was going to go into more details like that in chapter one,but it would make more sense to put it here. Again thank you so so much. im glad to know someone actually saw this and is helping me with my story.

[Daniel Seward]

You're very welcome!