There's No Hope For You

Short story I wrote about 20 minutes ago to vent out how I felt.

In the darkness lie I, my heart, and my mind. The darkness envelops me as does the frigid cold air, resting itself gently onto my body. I glance at the clock. 11:19. Why does this time bring back so much pain an sorrow? I ponder the thought, hitting dead ends, retracing my steps, and coming onto more dead ends. The faint buzzing of the air conditioner is the only sound besides my breathing, varying in intensity. My mind wanders back to a time when all I knew was happiness, where nothing mattered. My heart stayed at this time, knowing that those times won't ever happen again, that I will forever live my life in eternal darkness, no light... No hope.

My breathing gets heavier, I start hearing more noises. A beating noise? Is it my heart? Or is it some one knocking on my door? I toss and turn to stop the noises, but only makes it louder. More noises come into play. A piano? A guitar? Chimes? What does this all mean? The air becomes dank, wooden to the throat. Breathing becomes heavier, keeping my eyes open isn't a challenge anymore, it's a struggle keeping them closed now.

I throw myself up and hit a hard surface. Wood perhaps? I land back down on a padded surface? Where am I? Why am I here? I manage to throw myself higher to break threw the wooden surface into a brightly lit room, all white, my body suddenly restrained by tough white leather. My eyes strain in the sudden lighting difference. Patches are strapped onto my body sending small electrical charges into my nervous system and recording my bodies response. I open my mouth to scream but no words come out.

"Hey, take a look at this. Notice the large fluctuation between the first charge and the second at the same wattage?" Said a man in white with glasses.

"Yeah, I notice it. What do you think caused it? Iron maybe?" Whispered a man in a black suit.

"Has to be some sort of highly conductive mineral in his body if it can do that.""I'll get the doctor to preform an autopsy." The man in the black suit left the room, closing the door to not make a noise, but I heard it.

"I'll continue the test." Said the glasses-man turning to face me and leaning over to my face. "I'm going to have fun making you our little lab experiment, Di-" 

The white noise rang in my ear loudly, deafening me for the moment... Why did I not remember my name? Why me? Who am I? What am I?

A doctor in a blood stained white trench coat came in with a scalpel that still had fresh red blood dripping down from it.

"I'm going to begin the autopsy now. Everyone quiet down and gather around." Said the blood-thirsty doctor.

He jabbed the knife through my chest, where my heart is, tearing through the white prison I was in and my flesh. Again, I opened my mouth. No sound.

He started cutting around in crazy patterns, as if he was carving something into my chest.

He started laughing maniacally, getting the other people to join in and stab me in random places.

The pain became so great, I didn't feel it at all... No sounds were made from me... Not once...That laughter... It was twisted...Not human.

---

I wake with a start and am drenched in a cold sweat, panting heavily.

"It was just a nightmare...just a nightmare..." I take my shirt off and I have a scar spelling out 'There's No Hope For You.'

Author's Note

Is the details vivid enough? Am I not giving enough detail?

Reviews

[Demauscian]

Dark and very creepy. Your details are vivid enough, at some points it feels a tad dense though.

First I'd suggest separating the paragraphs to make reading easier.

-I also wonder, why what he being tested on?
-Why was the doctor so bad at his job? He should know that if he is going to do an autopsy he should use a clean knife so that the previous body doesn't contaminate the sample.
-and where was the fluffy demon bunny that accompanies my nightmares?

good job, good luck and good night

[TheLostSoul]

I'm planning on continuing this as a longer story and adding the sense of smell into it, as I had not originally thought of that.

[Jim]

The details are pretty good, I thought. I re-read it just now and noticed that you never do use the sense of smell, though. That might be something to add--how the operating room smells.

One place where you might want to add more detail is the part where the narrator thinks back on the happy times. All you have right now is "My mind wanders back to a time when all I knew was happiness, where nothing mattered. My heart stayed at this time, knowing that those times won't ever happen again, " which feels pretty generic. We as readers can't know what it is that made the narrator happy, all we have is him telling us about the happiness. A more specific description of what happened to end the happiness and make him miserable would be good, too. Overall, I'd just like more of an explanation of where he is at the beginning, what led up to these nightmares, that type of thing.

I like the twist at the end.