Query Letter Preceded by Illustrated Essay

The Celebrity Monthly Interview
With Correspondent James Daley

In past issues Celebrity Monthly has tried to bring our readers interviews with celebs that are in today’s contemporary headlines. This interview is a marked departure from that policy.

A Brief Interview with God

Daley: I’d like to start out by asking how I should address God. I consulted The New York Manual of Style, and not surprisingly it was silent on the issue.

God: Why don’t you call me Bob, it’s nice and short, and if it’s all right for you I’ll call you Jim.

Daley: Bob? God’s Christian name is Bob?

God: I’d rather say it’s a surname of convenience. People have called Me lots of names, and Bob isn’t the worst.

Daley: Well, I’ll certainly try, Bob. Usually in these interviews there are certain limits. These are customarily worked out by my editor and the publicity agent of the celebrity being interviewed. You don’t have a press agent.

God: Never saw much need in hiring one really. Oh, I have had some people who served on a voluntary basis, Moses, Paul, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, Mary Baker Eddy, just to name a few, but no one lately. Oh, since I know that about twelve percent of your press run ends up in the waiting rooms of physicians feel free to edit out Mrs. Baker Eddy. I understand you have to sell magazines, and I have nothing against commerce, many of my best friends were in the wool business.

Daley: And as to limits?

God: You ask and I’ll respond. If you really don’t need to know, or if the answer would take more than your lifetime, I may give an evasive answer, but I’ll only refuse to answer two questions. When you get to that second question the interview will be over. Fair enough?

Daley: Fair enough. What are the two questions?

God: That was the first one. Next question?

Daley: Why did You choose “Celebrity Monthly” for this interview?

God: Because you asked me, Jim. Don’t you recall right after that furious meeting with your editor you asked, “ God, what can I do now?”

Daley: Now that you mention it I do. Do You always do what You’re asked to do?

God: Did you get that pony for Christmas when you were ten?

Daley: Point taken, but You could have answered a prayer from a reporter from any magazine. Why CM?

God: Good demographics and market share mostly. You reach My kind of people. If you want to ask Me questions about My opinion on rehab, the best way to keep the weight off, or where Tiffany Shield’s mind was when she didn’t wear underpants, we probably won’t get very far.

Daley: Did our photo of Tiffany exiting her limo sans culottes offend You?

God: Not at all. Humans invented panties. I invented the contents.

Daly: Are You omnipotent?

God: Yes.

Daley: There’s an old question that’s always intrigued me. Can God make a stone so heavy even He couldn’t lift it?

God: The question is one of limits. Do I set limits on My power? Can I? Of course I can, and I have from time to time. I made a deal with Noah. No more deluge. The biggest difference between God and man is that I always stick to the deal.

Daley: Are You omniscient?

God: Yes.

Daley: So You know what I’m going to ask before I ask it.

God: I knew you were going to say that, but not because I’m God. Oh, going back to omnipotence and the stone for a moment, I can only ask rhetorical questions, for obvious reasons.

Daley: How will this interview be received by our readers.

God: Specifically, ninety percent will think it’s a spoof, five percent will skip straight to the photos of Brad or Tiffany and the rest will consider it, more or less, seriously. By the way you’ll get a hundred and eighty two angry letters to the editor, and he will publish four of them. One of which will be from a proctologist all steamed up about Mrs. Eddy.

Daley: If You know what I’m going say next. If You know the outcome of everything, does that mean there is no free will?

God: I don’t tell you what to ask. You get to pick the question.
I don’t compel you to an action, you get to choose. It is all a matter of perspective. Just because I know the race results in advance doesn’t mean you can’t place a bet.

Daley: So, You know what is going to happen; know everything I’ll ever do, but still I have free will?

God: It’s part of the job description. Mine and yours.

Daley: You realize that You have once and forever resolved that old chestnut of high school debate teams about Free Will vs. Destiny?

God: Not at all. Remember job descriptions? I have absolute certainty because I’m God. I said before that ninety five percent of your readers will either dismiss or ignore this interview. This is certain, take it from Me. But, the remainder will still have doubt because it’s part of the human job description. Doubt and sex are the two most frightening and intriguing things I ever gave you. Have fun with that. I don’t make mistakes, no matter what George Burns thought about the avocado. Besides those high school debaters are asking the wrong question.

Daley: What is the right question?

God: The one you are going to ask Me now. The second question that I won’t answer.

Daley: Does God have free will?

God: Good one Jim. That’s the one I’ll leave you and five percent of your readers to ponder. I will give you one hint though. You won’t have to sit on a mountaintop to find your answer. Answers are always much closer to home.

Daley: God, I appreciate You for taking time to speak to me.

God: Anytime, Jim, anytime. And call me Bob.

Daley: Thank you Bob. Thanks very much.

Bob: You’re quite welcome, Jim.
End


Mr. Khan;

Paul Carlson who oversees an online group optimistically called “Writing to Publish”, or W2P for short is kind enough to invite me to submit stories to the contests his group holds ever other month or so.
The above story is one I sent him. He suggested I pass it along to you. Feel free to use or discard it at your pleasure.
I visited your blog after I had written and sent the story to Paul. The similarity of my story to your fine essay is a real coincidence. We both tap danced all around the issue, although to different music.

Guideline #3 in your instructions says you want a note “explicitly stating” the philosophical concept used in the submission. That shows me without telling that you suspect you may find something inexplicable in you mailbox. I agree.
The story is about the Free will versus Preordination debate. This debate has existed for millennia in every theology I know anything about. It won’t be resolved in fiction, in essay, or in a high school auditorium.
If there is a philosophical concept extant in the submission it is in the method by which the issue is presented.
Sophistry is a modern term of derision for an old method of getting to a problem. The Sophists, and I believe Plato and Aristotle are claimed in their number, were experts at presenting a problem by the use of rhetoric. While the method may be more suited to winning the debate than to resolving the issue, it is still a useful tool to a writer.
Adding to my sinful burden I also employ the logical fallacy of setting up a “straw man” to voice my argument. In this case an unimpeachable straw man, God Himself. Daley is a straw man set up by God to serve His purposes, and thus mine.
If there is some religious sensibility that I failed to slander, I apologize. It was an oversight.


Good luck in assembling this anthology. It is an interesting and difficult topic you have chosen. I hope you have not created a stone so heavy it can’t be lifted.

 

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

So first of all, as one who was unfortunately raised Mormon, I must ask... Joseph Smith Sr. or Jr.? :)
This is a brilliant bit of satire, very much in the spirit of the 'Faustian Story' you shared with me a few months back. My favourite bit was about God, I mean Bob, only answering questions rhetorically. Although this was filled with a lot of good, subtle, humour--like any proper piece of satire. I found it particularly interesting how you capitalized everything to do with god, even pronouns. With the ability to approach an issue of free-will, you had the obvious option of going all pretentious and metaphysical/philosophical, but instead you went the less traveled path; and I enjoyed this end result.

[Delmar Cooper]

Thank you for reading and commenting. Frankly I newer knew there was a Smith Jr. The one I referred to was the one who perished in Navoo. As to the capitalization, I have never really thought about this but followed old examples from my reading. I have no idea what the Manuals of Style say about it. I did find it useful in a story I wrote about Satan trying to snare a soul by pretending to be God. After the veil was lifted from the intended victims eyes all further pronoun references were in lower case. In the above story since there is no question in the interviewer's mind that he is dealing with the genuine article I used caps in all cases.

[Nusquam Esse]

The Joseph Smith that everyone knows was the jr. His father had the same name. Interesting idea that you have there.

[Tom Pollard]

I really enjoyed reading this, it made me smile during my lunch break at work. I particularly liked the use of capitalised 'Me' and 'You' throughout, (he is God after all!). My favourite line is: 'Not at all. Humans invented panties. I invented the contents'. Genius.
Thanks for putting a smile on my face.

[Delmar Cooper]

Tom, and a very nice smile it is too. Thanks for reading and your encouraging comment. I look forward to seeing more of your stories. Send me a message if you want me to look at something.

[W.k.kortas]

I'm not reviewing. I'm just wishing I wrote this.

[Delmar Cooper]

Kindly received. Many thanks.