The Fly

I wrote this in art class 2 years ago- my Junior year of High School. I just recently finished/revised it. I tried to instill a sort of getting lost within the moment type of feeling in this piece.

A button had been pressed, the trigger, pulled. I sat at my table; a chill reverberated through my fingertips. The teacher was lecturing, the type of lectures I hate. I drowned out his voice with a few of my own. My focus narrowed. Narrowed down upon the blue-black ink blotched paper making letters. Letters. With eyes of their own. Drilling, drilling through my skull, tearing at my skin. My heart racing, beating. Faster. Faster. My eyes widened in horror. Skipped a beat. one. Two. My vision blurred when six-legged monster obscured my view. I smiled with a twisted little thought hidden within it. Smack! Its wings broken, abdomen torn open. A picked a pencil off the table. Lifting. Down. Down. Pushing slowly. Its blood squirted out like ketchup, staining my paper. its guts oozed out slowly. Laughing. Smiling. Squirming out of desperate hope. With my delight in its suffering ending, I finished it off with a final smack. A button had been pressed, the trigger, pulled.

Author's Note

Rating and constructive criticism is appreciated. I will rate and give constructive criticism to any who give it to me. Sort of a you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours

Reviews

[BrightNeonBrilliancy]

Very nicely done. I like how you use a sort of cyclical structure, poetic, yew your character is showing shades of inhumane about them as they hold no remorse and rellish in the kill. It's an interesting trade, as it gets me wanting to read more. What's their problem? Why have they ended up so cinical? Is there redemption for them in sight? Yes. I want to read more :)

[...]

People don't kill flies, boredom does ;)
This is original, somewhat graphic, but interesting. It deserves more than what I can give in a review...this is perfection.

[∂αʌ<..]

an interesting story...shifting between the the pencil and that trigger of a gun...
i would say flashback between reality and fantasy or a past occuring...
it would have been better if you could write sequel and develop it into a complete story...still...a very good opening and ending...and the middle is just smashing!
captivating read!

[SilentVerses]

What violent passion of quickened beats lines the short and powerful lines of your sinful snippet, beautiful imagery creates a vivid painting, through your eyes a world is shown and magnificently in the moment your object is captured, following the imagines thought along its path you find the panicking wings lead you to a macabre end. Wonderful.

Whoa. This is really intense. I love the repetition with all those simple words, it really strikes the reader and kind of "clicks" more that it's such an intense kind of feeling or action that the character is doing. "Faster. Faster." and "Down. Down." Very different, and yet oddly similar. I loved all the short stopped sentences, it was another thing that really made the reader realize how fast and yet how precise it was all happening. Wonderful!

[Emily Rae]

you succeeded at capturing what it is like to get lost in the moment. As I read this I felt my attention narrow from the room of the class to the desperate little fly's last moments of life : (

[Ashli The Amazing]

ha i don't like to criticize .....but i liked the poem....in fact there is nothing to criticize [:

[Ruth]

Interesting!
The topic is cleverly thought through! And the fact the no remorse is shown is chilling but realistically carried through xx

[Lily Mae]

This reminded me of how I felt in school and the thoughts that would creatively fly through my thoughts.. I wonder about this monster lol.. Great write.. I enjoyed it allot..xx

[Knuckles]

I think I have been in that schoolroom, where almost anything would be a distraction from tedia of the teacher's message. The fly is an unwitting victim of the lecturer's ineptitude.