I Thought I Heard Raindrops

Here is my share of lore in self-destruction

Be aware that no amount of days shall suffice

I ignore the reason as to why I constantly build this

For in the end the lowest of words overcomes my world

 

As I rave to know what is beyond

While my soul tainted to its very core

But why, if such core is unworthy of what I would call glory

When I may not even comprehend what my insides manifest

 

This is a strange place where insecurity leads the way

God and blasphemies, sitting next to each other in the same room

Loving, loathing, is there a difference?

Are you able to name a single difference?

Are you? Are you?

 

Are you able to picture my body as it hits the cold floor?

Because I am not able to feel my heart beating anymore

Or was I, perhaps, forbidden to posses blood?

I am not one to tell apart loathing and loving

Could you possibly identify what is wrong?

 

What did I...? What did I...? What did I ever do…?

I am far too low to even complete a

What did I...? What did I...? What did I ever do...?

Perhaps far too low to live as what I chose to become...?

What did I...? What did I...? What did I ever do...?

What did I...? What did I...? What did I ever do to deserve this....?

 

Could it be I kept the blade too close, my dear assassin?

Could it be I shot your ears, my dear confident?

Could it be I took your hood off, my dear savior?

Could it be I bit off your teeth, my dear lover?

What crime am I paying for; please tell me, my dear souls

Why would ever your desires be to make me suffer like this?

 

Why would such a small creature like me ever deserve this?

Unworthy of even thinking of itself as unworthy

Low as it is, not a saint shall prove to feel pity or mercy

Towards the ransom I have set over my own head

 

Ridiculous would be to believe I deserve salvation, oh merciful grace

For I am more than certain of the repulsion my sins feel for me

Too impure for them and for every vow and promise I once swore to uphold

Even the nightmares run away from this abomination that summons them

Shall the doors of hell itself remain shut and guarded, only for me

 

Nothing but this little, lustful piece of s**t

Fed with love in a caring family, fed to its very limit

The same love I may never be able to give back

Like the bug and the lamp, I burn my horrific wings to reach what in front of me lies

Love, loath, love, loath, love, loath, would you please teach me to discern?

 

Oh, for I am sure I can not discern

No, no, at least not after all these last scenes

As far gone as I may be, a knife is as glorious as a kiss to me

Even as my bloated skin perpetually boils

I wonder if all these ephemeral sensations are worthwhile and real

I do not allow myself to set free any of these thoughts of remorse

 

For I am being more of a sinner than ever before

For I never thought about quitting as much as now

For I realize what a terrible Christian I have become

For I know the truth behind each and every of my lies

For I have always been aware of the shallow creature I am

For I became, deep inside, into this lustful being

 

Are you able to tell me the difference?

Between smiling and back-stabbing?

Between experiencing a life and experiencing a slaughter?

Between the light of the day and the darkness of night?

Between the rhythm of a scream and the rhythm of heartbeats?

 

After all, the life in this boat has taken its toll

Consuming my corpse to its very skeleton

There are no hopes or feelings to be seen in the horizon

Hours or seconds, how longer do I need to wait until I am gone?

 

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Are you able to tell the difference?

Tell me, tell me, tell me

Are you able to tell the difference?

 

If everything I may taste is but a lie coming out of my mouth

If everything I may smell is the fragrance of rotting meat

If everything I may see are flies around my wounds

If everything I may hear are the screams of my own thoughts

If everything I may touch is but another angel covered in knives

 

Am I a human being at all?

Am I just another creature?

Am I but an animal at this point?

Am I even worthy to be named as such?

Am I even enough of an excuse for these thoughts and whining?

Am I? Am I?

 

Will this nonsense change anything at all?

Will it? Will it?

Would you ever forgive me?

Would you? Would you?

Can you bring forth the apocalypse now?

Can you? Can you?

May I finally put my eyelids at east?

May I? May I?

 

May I...

May I?

 

Schadenfreude, my comrades

Schadenfreude.

Author's Note

Hope you like it.