day-storm

rewrite of somebody elses poem...

Darkness charcoals the paper sky.
Silence.
Breaks like noisy dawn. child cries,
holds tight to mommy's dress.
Knows there will be no more smiles.
Crack! Lightning strikes
like midnight,
flashes faces hiding.
rain falls bringing rusty calm
and slowly, by the window
and the brick
clouds pass-
blushing blue,
as sunlight swarms.

 

a child steps from mommy's dress.
fearless as the sun.

Reviews

[G. Cedillo]

great ending line, "fearless as the sun" - nice.
the strict terse lines are good in some places, but you need a bit more variety - - or else thin the poem's lines a good deal so that those lines are working in conjunction with the reader's eye and not against it, as it is placed on the page (screen) now.
also, you need some bigger word-images to let us transition from the storm, the calming end, and the sunny aftermath.
thanks for sharing this,
g -