Chapter 2

Where did it all begin?

Every time Mattie asked herself this question, she would have different answers.

Before Percy had left, the one truly painful moment in her life she could recollect was the nurse telling her that her mother had died in the hospital. A woman Mattie had never seen before was standing next to her.

“My name is Ms. Fay. Your mother gave me custody of you. I’ll take you home.”

Home was Eureka. It was essentially the co-op for foster children. Ms. Fay had money, but they would have to work for it. Everyone was assigned chores. If they didn’t do them, they didn’t eat, no questions asked. The only exceptions for this rule was illness---but even that was up to Ms. Fay’s discretion.

Elaine was the one who saved Percy and Mattie from extreme grief. They would bicker about taking care of her: Mattie wanted to read to her before bed, whereas Percy thought that was a waste of time and preferred peek-a-boo. Ms. Fay hired a nanny and in time Elaine grew up just as any other child would--except with siblings acting as parents.

They were three cogs to a machine, everyone would say. Percy was charismatic, he was one of the few people who could persuade Elaine out of a decision. As for Elaine, she prided herself on her brain which was a human database. And Mattie...well Mattie was the buffer. The “average” one. Just the person who looked after them both. She looked after everyone. When she wasn’t tutoring children, she was making them snacks. And when she wasn’t doing that, she was tucking them into bed. Or staying by their sides when they were lying in bed with a 102 degree fever. She was the glue, the emotional support everyone needed, something Ms. Fay wouldn’t give them.

But all that changed one day. The previous night they had brushed their teeth, wished each other good night, the usual. The next day Mattie woke up at 7:30 and turned herself to the side, only to see an empty bunk bed and Elaine shaking her awake.

She felt many things at first: confusion, surprise, fear, but nothing compared to what she felt now. Mattie and Elaine thought he was kidnapped...until they saw that his bed was made, his side of the room neatly tidied up, and he had placed an envelope with cash on Mattie’s night stand. There was a post-it note on it: I’M LIVING MY LIFE. NOW GO LIVE YOURS.

And then memories sprang up. Instances when Mattie detected resentment on Percy’s end, where he could’ve been in a four year university but was stuck in a community college for two years to make sure Mattie had more support with Elaine. He never said this out-loud of course, but Mattie could see his frustration. He had been more prone to moments of anger in the past year, but Mattie had attributed that to the quarter-life crisis. Sometimes she would run this scenario through her head: would Percy leave his family for his own ambitions? She could see it happening, but only under extreme circumstances in which she and Elaine would’ve expressed that they didn’t want him around.

But some things still didn’t add up. Elaine was the lightest sleeper, if someone so much as inhaled she would wake up. She took drug tests, nothing was put into her food the previous night. Besides, Percy and Mattie were attached at the hip. This was only temporary.

And because of that, Mattie was calm. Percy just broke under pressure. He would come back, it was one of his mood swings. Hours passed, then days. And the next week she couldn’t function.

She didn’t want to eat or sleep or even move. All she could think about is how she was good for nothing. She wasn’t smart like Percy or Elaine. She couldn’t immerse herself with people even though doing kept her bright and alive. There were some days she couldn’t get herself out of bed, not even with Elaine’s pleas or Ms. Fay threatening to punish her. Her favorite hobby was curling into a ball on her bed and staring at the ceiling. She would see her mother’s face on the ceiling and cry sometimes. Percy was literally her other half. And he doesn’t want me in his life anymore.

She couldn’t physically get up. She would try everything, thinking of food, using her arms as levers. But she would just fall back down. The only thing she could get down her throat was chocolate pudding, which merely added a sum to her jean size. Elaine tried dragging her off once and instead she collapsed to the ground. She couldn’t proceed to see everyone’s faces.

Once Dora had come by and called Mattie selfish for doing this: “You have a house, you have food and money. Most people don’t you know?” Mattie said nothing. Yet Michael must have overheard something for he said, “Mattie, don’t feel bad for this. Pain’s pain no matter where it comes from.”

The girls called it self pity. But if Percy had been there, he would have used a different word: depression.

But no one would suspect it. How could a depressed person not cry?

Elaine threw herself into books, keeping herself as busy as possible to avoid the grief she saw on her sister. Caroline moved into Percy’s bed, which provided Elaine with a companion. At some point, both of them gave up on Mattie--they didn’t know how to handle the situation anymore. But Mattie was at her wit's end. She copied her sister’s strategy and it worked...at least for a while.

“MATTIE?!”

Mattie blinked. Dora was waiving her hand in front of her face. “Sorry--what?!”

“We have chores today.”

“Yeah..I’ll get to it.”

Caroline frowned. “Dora, Mattie’s arm is fried. I can take over.”

Dora rolled her eyes. “She’s been getting a get-out-of-chores pass for over a month. I’m not cutting anyone slack anymore.”

Caroline sighed. “It’s okay Mattie, I’ll do them.”

Mattie shook her head, she didn’t want too many questions about her hand. Especially when she didn’t know half of the answers. “Don’t. You have enough as it is.”

She looked at the list and her stomach flipped. She was paired with Klaus for dishes. Seriously Dora?!

Klaus approached her, smiling. “Hey.” He tried to hug her but she crossed her arms. “What happened to your hand?!”

“Screw you.”

“That’s not very nice.”

“Go bang someone else, I have other things to deal with.” Mattie turned her attention toward the sink, trying to tune out his voice. The next thing she knew, he had rushed forward , grasped her arm, and was whispering in her ear: “This is your one chance you know...to get some. And it’s going to go away.” Mattie shuddered. “Klaus, please, leave me alone.” He placed his lips on her neck. “Klaus, stop!”

“Is there a problem?” Ms. Fay had appeared at the doorway. Mattie turned to her, her eyes pleading. Get me out of here.

Klaus grinned at her. “Oh no, Ms. Fay, we were just washing dishes.”

“Klaus, leave the house now, we need to clean up. Mattie, the repairmen for the bathrooms are here, do you mind letting them in and guiding them to the bathrooms?”

Mattie nodded. She sprinted down the hall once she was out of Ms. Fay’s sight and told the men where to go. After that she ran back to the bathroom, just in time to fall to her knees and heave her lunch down the toilet.

---

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view... Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.” Devina smiled. “If there’s anything you can take away from this book,  remember that.”

Percy scowled. “Mom, this book is boring.”

“Hey!” Mattie shouted from the other room. Devina laughed, “Is there any book you don’t like Mattie?”

“Not yet.” She hugged her copy of To Kill a Mockingbird to her chest.

“Percy, usually the boring book have the most exciting stories. You just need to read them. Try to open your mind, understand their messages. Do you remember what your middle name is?”

“Atticus...Atticus---oh. Mom you named me after a book?!”

“After a character.”

Mattie rolled her eyes. “Like you know either.” He gave her a dirty look, and both Devina and Mattie fell over, chortling. Her mom was the perfect mix: she was the adult during mealtime, and a teenager off-stage. That was the one thing everyone in the family had in common. They were bookworms by choice; they skipped the toys aisle in the stores for the fiction section. Parents often glanced in confusion as Devina would drag them out with them complaining they hadn’t finished reading the chapter yet.  

And then her mom dissolved in thin air. She was replaced with their father. He was laughing, Mattie was screaming, he liked that, he liked hearing her screams….

Mattie’s head snapped straight up, and her hand flew to her mouth just in time to stifle her whimper.  It was the one thing that never changed.  The grief wasn’t as fresh as it was years ago, but the dreams never went away. She stared at a point on the wall; it was her technique for going back to sleep. She started to count backwards in her head: 100, 99, 98, 97.

And then she smelt the burning. Not again. She looked straight at the wall to see the wooden frame with a photo of her and Percy getting engulfed in flames. Oh god, stop, stop please stop, she stared at the frame, Goddammit that’s our only photo left, what’s going on?

And she blinked, only to see nothing.  The photo was untouched. But the corners of the frame had burned off.

Mattie stood up, more angry than afraid. That was the last straw, someone needed to know if she were crazy. “Elaine!” she shouted.

---

Turns out Elaine was already awake. Not surprising, this girl will never be able to live in a city. She was wrapped in one of Mattie’s old sweatshirts, her eyes wide open. “I smelt burning, is everything okay?”

Mattie could barely get her voice together. “Elaine, something’s wrong with me.”

“What’s going on?”

“I’m losing my mind.”

Elaine paled. Last time she had heard this from her sister, she had snapped. Mattie never forgot what he said:

“Are you kidding me? YOU’VE lost your mind? I’m YOUNGER than you, and I’ve been doing all your chores, looking after YOU, and you don’t think I’M going nuts?! There are people starving out there who lose siblings all the time. Get over it.”

Last time had ended with one of them nearly dying. But for Elaine, this was a second chance. She bit her lip, debating what to say.“How so?”she finally asked.

Mattie grabbed a piece of paper from her desk. She laid it on the table and stared at it.

“Mattie what---”

“Shh, hold on.” She bored her eyes on the white sheet to the point that her head ached. Come on, do something. Just work already.

Elaine gave her a confused look. “Mattie, you’re having a bad dream.”

“Wait, just wait.” Burn. She tried to recollect the smell of the flames, the shape of it, the feel, the color, the heat.  Not just thinking of the fire but actually forming it with her own hands. No thinking, feeling.  It was coming back, all of it, she could feel the heat on her face--

“WHAT THE HELL!”

Mattie opened her eyes and let her focus drop. And just like that, the fire dissolved, leaving a pile of ashes on an unmarked table.

Elaine’s eyes were bulging, she looked like she were going to pass out. “What...what happened?!”

“No clue. Maybe the hospital’s meds worked too well?”

“Medicine doesn’t change people into fire Pokemon!”

“I don’t know Elaine.” Mattie closed her eyes. She wasn’t going mad, at least that was verified. But none of it made sense. It was just like last time, after Percy was gone, after Klaus had used her, when she had no will to live…

She felt Elaine’s arms around her, and her eyes opened in surprise. “If you’re going to tell me how I don’t have it bad, then save it.”

Elaine only hugged her tighter. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll look in the library and do a few online searches, maybe I can find something.”

“That’s not going to help.”

“Then what do we do?”

Mattie buried her head in her hands. Too many things were happening at once. “We don’t tell anyone. I keep this under control. And we’ll find out what’s happening somehow.”

“Maybe Ms. Fay--”

“Ms. Fay can kick me--us--out just like that. Then how do we get food?”

“She won’t kick you out for something that’s not your fault.”

“I’m not taking that chance. Anyways we have school tomorrow. Bed. Now.” Elaine almost laughed, Mattie rarely used her “Momma” voice.

---

It took Mattie a while to go back to bed. Her mind was wandering and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t bring herself to the present. She was revisiting the moment when Percy left, the months afterward in which she fell into a gloom, and then when she thought she had a chance, only for it to crumble again. She could see his face as she mentally reread his text: “The girl who I like is ignoring me ;)”

Klaus was her friend, her first true friend. They would eat meals together, laugh about books, rant about how they occasionally hated people. He fulfilled the void Percy had left behind. He had made her thrilled to live again...at least for a while.

He had moved across the street a year ago and virtually lived at the house; everyone seemed to know him. Besides people were always going in and out, it was nothing special. Mattie wouldn’t have noticed, she spent that time embracing the numbness that Percy’s absence had brought her. He had approached her while she had her nose buried in Silent Spring.

“You seem to be the only one here who reads,” he had said, smiling warmly at her.

Mattie had shrugged. She tried to tune him out...that is until he started actually talking about the book and environmental activism.

Turns out Klaus wasn’t just a great reader. He loved exploring and successfully coaxed Mattie out of bed to hike on Saturday mornings. And Mattie began to feel more alive. She started speaking with her friends again, she would go to class and actually participate.

And then it happened. They were drinking vodka one night on the roof. Mattie had taken too much, she was laughing, he was holding her, then he was on top of her and his mouth touched hers.

She remember being so stunned that she couldn’t move. Her eyes flew open, and she tried to slip away from the weight of him on her abdominal region. “What---what do you want?!” she had stammered.

“You have a really good body Mattie.” It was strange, she had never had kissed a boy before, had never been wanted that way. The boys in the house were more into white girls.

“Klaus--please---” she had a crush on him, but not like this. He kissed her again. “Shh...stop making this so awkward.”

“Klaus what do you want?”

He smirked at her, “I don’t want a relationship.”

Mattie turned her head so he couldn’t see her face. That part hurt. “But what do you want?”

“You.” He kissed her, and she returned it this time, trembling. She had wanted this type of love, but not so demanding, so pushing. “Klaus, I think--”

“Why are you making this so awkward?”

“Klaus please I can’t---”  And he put his mouth on hers again. She was shaking, she didn’t know how to say no. She didn’t know what was going through his mind. Had she played him, led him along? She shivered, trying not to look at him. But this was her friend, not the one-time stand that she often heard about. The lines between friendship and something else continued to blur. The cycle continued to repeat. He would mention other girls he was with. If she didn’t reciprocate, he would text other girls in front of her to agitate her. Sometimes Mattie thought about ending it. But that would mean losing the one friend she had.

She remembered the first time they had done it.

Klaus climbed on top of her, pinning her to the bed. He forced his tongue down Mattie’s mouth, and she attempted to reciprocate. The kisses were aggressive, she could feel the soreness in her lips. He lowered his mouth to her chest, and she exhaled out of pleasure. Mattie felt her pants coming off. If this is the most action I’m going to get then why not. His mouth returned back to hers, and she felt his tongue slide down her mouth.

He guided her hand to his manhood. Mattie stiffened, she didn’t know what to do.

He thrust in her before she was fully satisfied. She was dry, and it hurt like hell. But she made noises faking pleasure. She didn’t want Klaus to be disgusted at her. It was always this way, Klaus took pleasure, he wasn’t interested in delivering it.

But what he would say after mattered more. “So beautiful,” he whispered into her neck, kissing her shoulder.

That was only the first time. And it became weekly, then daily. Whatever she was doing, he would throw something back her: coercion, guilt-tripping, anxiety-causing texts, all so he could get her in bed.  IT became more aggressive--never physical such as bruises of course, that would cause people to talk. It was mostly manipulation; at one instance, he threatened to go after Elaine after she had rejected him, nearly causing Mattie to pass out from the fear that took over. She started to crack at some point; she couldn’t tell Elaine or Caroline, and she was too scared to tell Ms. Fay. Klaus was the perfect guy: good-looking, courteous, charming. Even Ms. Fay liked him. The other girls who crushed on Klaus accused her of leading him on. If she said no, he went on the offensive, calling her names, criticizing her until her dwindling self-esteem crumbled and she gave in.

And the worst part was it was the first and only time a guy had been attracted to her. Anything had to be her fault.

---

Senior year was the usual. College results were coming in, and Mattie was on her toes. For the longest time, she couldn’t imagine a future away from home--without Elaine and Percy that is. Options were on the tabe: UC Davis, UNC Chapel Hill, UVA, Florida Tech. None of the Ivies though. Mattie didn’t fit the bill of someone the university would profit off of. She wasn’t the underrepresented minority who would be the ideal poster kid and bring in some great PR. Nor was she the legacy kid whose parents had millions ready to donate to the university.

There were stares--Mattie expected them. What other reaction would you expect for a girl who missed school for a month without explanation? She tried to keep to herself and focus on whatever her classes had for her. Most teachers weren’t pleased, even with documentation from the hospital. She would be taking zeroes for dozens of assignments, even though she was legally absent. Happy Graduation to me.

She was in her fourth class when she felt her phone vibrate in her back pocket. Excusing herself to the restroom, she noticed an email from Elaine: MEET ME @ LIBRARY. LUNCH.

Elaine never emailed during class. She didn’t have a phone either which meant someone or something had her running to a computer.  When the bell rang, her heart was pounding; it had to be an emergency.  She was nearly out of breath when she raced over across campus to the library.

“What happened?!”

“Mattie, I think it’s him”