The Shadows Of Dejection

A guy broke my heart lately so I wrote this poem .

I go to bed

Wanting to forget

But instead

I get chased

By your shadows

In my dreams

 

I wake up

Late at night

Wanting to cry

But my tears run dry

And it hurts to remember

That you did never try  

 

Shattered clouds 

In the sky 

Gushing rain

Sing a lullaby

Of bleeding hearts

Held up high

As the moon 

Leaves my sight 

 

I painted the walls black 

So maybe I won't see the reflection 

Of the shadows of dejection 

 

I closed my door 

And hid under my sheets 

So I can't see myself 

And myself can't hear the weeps

Of my dying belief 

 

Evenly dancing figures appeared 

I tried to scream 

But my voice got trapped

And suddenly the walls collapsed  

I ran to my head 

But it was way too late

I couldn't escape 

The ache, the ache

 

Under the sunlight my self I found 

It felt like the end when I looked around 

I stood alone on a lonesome ground 

And as the sun burned my skin

I felt confounded , I was ill 

 

I know by my side you will never be

You won't guard me from the light

You will never see 

How much love I have for thee 

But In my heart you will always be 

 

 

Author's Note

Give your honest opinion and thank you .

Reviews

[Katelyn]

Yet another amazing piece. The words flowed well and is filled with strong emotion. Keep up the amazing work.

[Distant horizons]

Excellent write. The sadness in your words and the flow are very well done

[DeepStruggle]

Your reviews have been taken into consideration thank you so much . I was a bit unstable emotionally while writing this poem... and when I got to the last stanza I was very exhausted and words became meaningless , so I desperately tried to end it in any way possible and obviously it didn't come out that good... hopefully I will get back to it as soon as possible . I really appreciate every single review you posted . Thank you again .

[rivers]

Others have addressed minor technical issues. On an emotional level I am able the feel the writers raw emotion...
Quote;
"I painted the walls black
So maybe I won't see the reflection
Of the shadows of dejection "
Quote;
I ran to my head
But it was way too late
I couldn't escape
The ache, the ache"

I too spend time in the darkness of my mind made cell...For me, on an emotional level, my connection was found in the writers phasing copied above. As Trase I'm wondering about your use and meaning of Thee? It doesn't spoil the emotion but leaves me wondering if you refer to a spiritual connection or just adored the person in a human sense? How about a near rhyme like "set free" or" beneath" or "words fail me"...Only a constructive suggestion from the darkness of my rabbit hole. Overall it's an emotional treasure to me....

[Ink Angel]

Emotion run deep within us, this poem has such depth, keep it up :)

[Trase]

Good work, but in your last stanza, did you use the word "thee" in order to rhyme with "see" and "be"?

[Cathy Wattam]

I enjoyed this and generally the flow was good, with a couple of exceptions. Also a typo/spelling error - "Evenly dancing figures appeard" - should be 'appeared'. Also, you may want to consider using: "Shattered clouds in the sky gushing rain sing a lullaby" etc to aid the flow. Very descriptive work and full of emotion :-)

[M]

I think the story is both poignant and vivid and it gets across the speaker's emotions with concrete images for abstract concepts, which is not easy at all to do.

There are some awkward constructions like "in my heart you will always be" and "that you did never try" that come from fitting the poem rigidly into the rhyme scheme. At times, I think rhyme works against you by making the poem sound more whimsical than it is actually is. There are tense changes in the poem, though that's not necessarily problematic.

[...]

. these words are about a beautiful love ... a painful but beautiful love ... very few experience it ... and very few write about it ... as powerfully as you do ...