Broken down

A small story about how a young woman has a breakdown, and how it changed her life.

Broken down.

Amanda was driving along this old country road in her ford focus. She was just at a party and had had a couple of drinks. That's why she decided to take this way home. It might take 15 minutes more, but at least there was less chance to being pulled over by the police.

The road was actually more dirt the real road, but she liked looking in her rear view mirror and seeing the big dust cloud behind her, illuminated by the red lights of her car.

When she looked back again on her dashboard, the check engine light was burning bright red. 'strange, she thought, I just had my car checked a couple of weeks ago'. She decided she would bring the car to the garage tomorrow, and just to ignore the light for now.

Amanda kept on driving, but nine minutes later she saw smoke coming from underneath the bonnet. Even before she had time to pull the car over, the engine stopped and even the lights went out.

There she was in the middle of the road, with a broken down car. She reached for her cellphone, but she couldn't find it in her purse. 'damn, she yelled, I must have forgotten it at the party. That's just f*****g great!'

She got out of the car, closed the doors and started walking. Waiting for another to come by here, at this time at night, wouldn't really be worth the wait. Besides it would only be about a 2 mile walk from here. And everything would be better then waiting in the car in the dark.

While she was walking, she started complaining about her life. The job she had just lost, her boyfriend who had left her, the bills she couldn't pay. And now her car that had left her stranded in the middle of the night. It seemed like lately everything of her life was breaking apart.

A couple of minutes later Amanda walked onto a crossroad. She reached into her pursue and grabbep a pack of sigarettes. When she lighted one, she noticed that she a small cut on her left hand. A small trickle of blood ran along her hand, and from her index finger, a small drop fell down.

'thats just perfect' Amanda yelled. She was really getting fed up about her current situation.

'well hello there, a deep voice from behind her spoke'. Startled Amanda turned around. There stood a man, dressed in a dark 3 piece suit. His skin was the darkest black she had ever seen. While Amanda looked at him, the man smiled. For a unexplainable reason that scared her. Although his teeth looked normal and perfectly white, Amanda got the same feeling as if she was looking at a growling dog. It was to her, completely menacing.

'it appears that you talk more when your alone, I could hear you from afar' the man said'.

Amanda didn't know what to say and for a couple of seconds, there was the most awkward silence. When she finally started to open her mouth, she was to late. Before she could even make a sound, the man started speaking again.

'please call me David, perhaps that will make our little conversation easier on you. I heard you talking about your life, so perhaps you would like to talk more about that'?

'i don't 'amanda muttered'. She felt confused about this whole situation.

'perhaps you might not want to talk, but I know for a fact, that you are envious. It could hear that in your complaints. Who do you envy so much dear'?

Amanda didn't really want to say anything, this man and his ways of talking and moving, where terrifying her. And where did he come from? If he had heard her talking, then why didn't she see him walking on the road?

The man smiled again, and Amanda couldn't keep her eyes of his face. Before she knew it she said.

'my sister' and she noticed the slight tremor in her voice, even when she spoke so soft as if it was a whisper. The man smiled even more after her answer, and Amanda kept on talking.

'It's like every thing she does works out perfect. Her perfect life, her perfect job, her perfect family. And my life feels as if everything is failing'.

'not just envy, a lot of anger also' the man said, while still smiling. 'perhaps you would like your life to get better, maybe even to see your sisters life crumble'?

'n-no, I don't'. Amanda said hesitant. The man came two steps closer and very lightly touched her arm.

He looked right in her eyes. "Speak the truth Amanda. There is nothing to fear."

She couldn't avert her gaze from his, and she didn't really want to, but she did answer him. "Yes".

"Don't whisper girl, speak your words with strength. Perhaps then I will grant you what you want most."

"What do you mean?" Amanda gasped.

"I mean by that, that if you want, I can give that to you. I want only two things in return."

Amanda still couldn't avert her eyes from his. She felt strange, almost as if she was sedated.

David smiled again, as if he knew her thoughts. "The first is, you have to say clearly what you feel, and what you want. The second is, after ten years I will ask a small favor of you, that you have oblige. Do you agree to those simple terms?"

Amanda now felt completely as if she was in a dream. Her thoughts were more fog then real thoughts. But somehow this man, looking and smiling to her, got her to say how she really felt. "I want the perfect life, I want what she has. I want it all. I don't want her pity anymore! I want to be the one to pity her!" With those last words spoken, she felt tears coming down her cheeks.

"Hush now Amanda" David spoke. "it is done know. Just close your eyes and forget our little nightly meeting. Just enjoy your new life."

Amanda slowly closed her eyes.

~

The phone rang. It was like the sound was coming from far away, and moving closer. She opened her eyes and noticed that she had been sleeping on the couch. Amanda got up and her legs were shaky. She got to the phone, and answered. "Amanda speaking."

"Goodmorning, am I speaking with miss Amanda Ostler?"

"yes you are, who am I speaking with?"

"with Jake Rawling, I am calling about the job you interviewed for. If you still want it, the position opened up again. You were second on our list, and seeing as the first declined, the position is yours if you still want it?"

Without any hesitation Amanda answered. "Yes, very much. Thank you so much."

~

Ten years later.

Amanda sat down on her sofa and turned the tv to the business news. She just send her eldest daughter to bed, and her husband, Barton, was in the shower. She liked being alone at night, thinking about her life, how good it al had been. Finally she got the position af bank manager last year. She was happily married for almost 9 years now and had two beautiful, healthy and smart kids.

Yesterday she had been at her sisters birthday party, and she might not say it, but she felt sorry for her. Divorced 3 times, and a her young son all ready two times convicted for theft.

But something was creeping in her mind. Like a long forgotten memory, or a word you know, you know, but can't Remember. The turned the tv off and went upstairs, to bed. To the love of her life.

Unbeknownst to her, just across the street, there stood a man. A man dark skinned and dressed in a dark suit with a scarlet tie, tied in a full Windsor knot. And wearing a mix of silver and gold jewellery. The man looked how all the light in the house went out. He smiled and started approaching the now dark house...

Author's Note

This is the first story i have written in English, and being a non-native English speaker, i really hope you can forgive me some language problems.

Reviews

[Cheshire]

I'll review this as if it was a regular story, and just skip over anything that you can't help because of language issues.

When it first starts, there's nothing that really grabs the reader's attention, an idea or a sudden happenstance that excites the reader and makes them truly get into it from the start. Each sentence is like a bullet shot from a gun, zinging at the readers, and passing straight through them. Try to let them flow better, and the viewers will get wrapped up into the story more.

When starting off new sentences that are conversations, they are still capitalized. They should also use double quotation marks.

The modern day spin on Rumpelstiltskin was interesting, and with a bit of editing, could be an interesting read. As a last thought, which has absolutely nothing to do with the actual review, and more personal taste, ten years is quite a bit of time to skip at once.

[Claudia Stark]

Wow, it's a good story and I never would have guessed that English isn't your first language. I'd love to read your writing in your own language but like many Americans I speak English and that's it!