The waiting room

A woman, a man, life and love

"I am leaving!"
The words came out of her mouth with enough force to almost make him choke on his tea. Not that she shouted them or said them loudly.

There was a silence. A long one.

It's that moment when it seems time stops; something violent has happened to you in a non violent way.

She expected him to say something. How else had she envisioned he would react? Refuse? Lash out? What does someone do when they are kicked to the kerb, rejected by the one they think the world of?

She knew precisely how much his world was wrapped round her and this was going to be earth shattering to him.
For some women, they are fortunate enough to know when a guy, a man, is totally invested in them, in other words he was crazy about her. And she knew it!
So why was he not saying anything? She could hear her own heart beat from the sheer nervousness of it all. Will he smash the table? Throw the mug of tea at her or just storm out of the restaurant?

He said nothing. What could he say? That sensation, the constriction of the blood vessels, giving the sense of a cold sweat and the heart constricting ever so slowly and deliberately as the mind processes what it passes onto the heart. This possibly cannot be happening.
The shock had so overwhelmed him that he felt weak. Luckily he was seated and at that very moment he lost appetite for everything. Thursday late afternoon coffee (for he and Earl Grey tea for him) was what he looked forward to at his favourite café with his most favourite person. The week looked good because of Thursday. Now? It looked bleak! Nothing had signaled this, no warning, no nothing.
'Are you going to say something?' she said while intently looking at him. That look had no love or affection in it and if it did, she masked it well. That look of already having vacated the here, the now.

"You can't be serious.. How? When? Why?",
He wondered and responded.."What did I do. In fact what did I not do for you?"
"Surely it's not about our little fight last week. That was nothing and I thought we had made up, right?"
She got up and went over to the counter and placed another order of her favourite latte and almond cake. She saw the intensity of his pain. She really did not want that cake or latte.

When she returned to the table, a bit more composed, she tried to explain what had brought about her decision..

She had an expression of a person that was already somewhere. The decision had been made and she had made the journey. This was a courtesy to someone who loved her. She owed him that at the least.

" I want to be honest with you Berish. I know you love me, that I have never doubted it, but I think it's me.. Just the whole situation. We were never going to last. And I was not happy. I did try to be happy with you...but no.. Its.. Its just I wanted something, "she said.

Berish knew from the tone, from the expression, what was coming and this was real. There was no way back from this.

As a guy or a girl will know, there are many instances in a relationship when a break up is a prelude for a make up. A fight that leads to a reunion. Countless times it happens and people stay together. Then there is this. When a girl or guy signs off on you.

She had a point Berish thought. From the moment he met her to the point it was coming to, it had been a fight, to hang on with the skin of his teeth to her. Judging by whatever standards you measured her, Amalia was a catch. She had it all, the looks, the personality and the character. She was a rock solid girl to have.. But having her proved to be a fight..

Though in himself Berish knew he measured up, though with her, it seemed she was always on the look out for something better. But better how? By the measure of love, Berish knew he had her covered.
He himself was not too bad. Well travelled, highly educated and with a sense of dignity and humility that gave him a presence, that reassured others. Sure he had his idiosyncrasies, his moods, his jealous nature, insecurities and a host of other weaknesses which he said to himself made him a work in progress. His faith sustained him. He had faults but he knew that it need not dominate his life.
"Berish I am going to get married. Please don't be upset or be shocked?" Amalia said seeing the blood drain from his face.

That was the second bombshell of the day..

"Its not what you think!" Amalia interjected.

"What do you mean it's not what you think? Of course it is. You are getting married and you are dumping me?" Berish in anger replied
"Sheesh, I mean the least you could have done is to tell me you are planning your wedding,, rather than surprise me on the day you also dump me," a visibly hurt Berish said.

"Wow Amalia, I thought you were better than this."

"Bery.. You know my situation and as much as I hung on to you I was under immense pressure from myself, from my parents, from you..at least understand that," a less than composed Amalia said.

Amalia tried to take his hand to explain, to comfort him but he pulled it away. Too hurt to even want to contemplate touching her.

Amalia had a streak of churlishness, haughtiness and she laughed at the slight but she got the point, drawing her beautifully slender hands to her side.
Slightly annoyed she told him what he already had felt about her and which she had intimated before:
"Why did I waste my time with you? I was propositioned by many better men than you. I missed many opportunities because I stuck with you. I thought something good...
Look the only explanation I owe you is that I want to honour my parents. Culturally, religiously and in so many other ways we are different. I honestly got tired of you, of me of us..
Especially if I had married you, I told you I would not have a child with you. You know how it is? Our child would be mixed and you know how society would treat him.
Please don't tell me about love, as you so often do but we live in the real world and it's not perfect. So accept that.
You are a special guy but not for me. Sorry I have to end it this way. I hope you will consider me a friend but if not its also OK, " she said. By then she had the buttons on her coat done up and stood up.
Amalia opened her bag. She reached into and brought out a carrier bag with gilt edged box. In it was a gold chain, a ring and bracelet and other such trinkets. These are the gifts you gave to me, I will now return them to you please try not to be offended. "

At that point, she straightened her dress and left.
Berish was stunned. Beyond stunned. If you want to hurt a kind hearted person - return a sincerely given gift. The hurt was complete. How could she do this to him? He had not anticipated it. The words, the angst he felt, it shook him to the core. This is the woman he loved.

Part 2

Five years had passed. Berish had somewhat found a way to dust himself off and carry on with his life.
It had taken him a while to get over Amalia. Occasionally he thought of her.
Whoever tells you getting over a break up is easy, is not telling you the truth. There were hard moments.

The life he was living was undramatic and rather formulaic but that was OK. His dating life was rather non existent and not that he cared or minded that much. Amalia had crushed him good and proper.

Amalia had indeed left the country and settled somewhere in the orient East. She had married and changed her ways to match the desires and customs of her husband and family. She forgot her former life.
Prior to getting married, she had written a lengthy letter to Berish asking him to forgive her for the way she left and the way she treated him. The words, she said, hurt her more than she thought she was hurting him and would not allow her to sleep.
Berish never responded. Amalia was proud and saying sorry was something that she never said. Even if she felt it, she never said it but found ways to show it but never in words.

And two years into her marriage she again wrote to him, in the hope that he would feel a little different towards her and have less hard feelings.

Berish, again, never did respond. He had forgiven her and forgotten about it. More importantly he had forgotten her. He wiped her from her memory. So he let the letter slide. He paid no mind to it.

As Pliny the Elder is often quoted nothing in life is guaranteed except change.. So things did change for Amalia.
Not too long after she married, there was the expectation for a child from the family. Her husband was keen for a son. Amalia too had not been against the idea. She had only been against the idea with Berish as he was of a different race and culture.
Try as they might, but it seemed not to happen. Her husband said the problem was with not him. She firmly believed the problem was not with her.
She went to see her doctor and he confirmed it was just as she believed.

At weddings and family gatherings it was becoming quite the talking point. They were after all, the couple that all envied. The rich young man with a thriving business and the beautiful and educated lady who had spent many years pursuing a career abroad.

It took its toll. One evening as they hosted guests of friends and family, Amalia was in the kitchen with some of her husband's female relatives, chatting and laughing when her husband turned up to request an extra plate of food.. Jokingly Amalia said here is the one responsible for not bringing the baby, he should be replaced by his brother!
He husband shot her a most icy glance. The kitchen went quiet and an awkward silence pervaded the place.
Seizing the moment, Amalia's sister in law quickly defused the situation by hugging and kissing her brother, who was close very close to his younger sister. The rage melted and he kept a mental note of the incident. He left the kitchen without saying anything and not even looking in the direction of Amalia. Inside him a storm of anger was brewing. "How dare she humiliate me in front of other women!"

While she cleared the plates and scraps of food from that evenings festivities, her husband walked in. He was not alone but with his parents and it seemed there was something they wanted to say.
The sober grim faces told it all.
Amalia disliked her husband's mother. She was after all, a simple village woman, who had married a man who acquired wealth and she behaved in a very capricious way. Always greedy for more, with a narrow eye.

"Amalia, let me make it clear. I won't beat about the bush," he began,
"My parents are not getting any younger and they are seriously desirous of a grandchild. Now you cannot deny them that joy of being grandparents."
Amalia was shocked,
"Hey what do you mean? Why you putting this on me is beyond me I showed you the fertility tests,.. We are trying...if there is a problem it lies with both of us.. But more with you as you know what the doctor said,".

At this point her husband slapped her hard and she staggered backwards and she picked up the closest thing next to her, which was a cup hurled it towards him.
The force was sufficient enough to smash against his forehead, causing a trickle of blood to run down his face.

Wanting to react instantly, he held himself back and laughed. His mother was already tending to his wound. Amalia immediately regretted her actions and started to apologise. Her husband's dad told his son that he should not let such behaviour become the norm in his house. How can a woman dare hit her husband.
"Tell her now the plan. This is the reason why exactly why you need to do it," the mother said..
"Tell me what?" Amalia at this time was in tears.

Her husband told her that he wanted to take a second wife, as he would have more chances of having a child if he married again. He had no interest in IVF or any of those artificial processes as he called them.

Culturally, he could not marry or take a second wife without the consent of the first wife...
"No! Absolutely no! You will not take a second wife", a adamant Amalia said.

At this point, her parents left, knowing full well what was coming and they did not want to witness the domestic conflagration that they too had once partook themselves.

Having thought that the slap was a one off event, Amalia did not have a clue what was to come next. In her life no one had ever laid a hand on her and this first experience was one that would live long in her memory. Though she resisted initially but he was much stronger than her and rather than accepting the beating, she had thought it would not last as long. That was a miscalculation on her part.

For a few weeks after Amalia did not leave home or answer any calls. She was battered and bruised in so many ways. She did not know who to speak to and felt embarrassed to be seen as she was ; this confident, modern woman was beaten into submission like a village girl with little education and taught to be submissive.
The sweet funny guy her parents had chosen for her was this raging monster! But no! He had always been this monster, he was just charming and wealthy enough to hide it.

Many weeks after the incident, she had eventually ventured out, confident that the bruises to her face had subsided enough to not elicit any stares or questions and to be sure, she wore dark glasses.

Sitting in a cafe, enjoying a latte, something happened, which at first seemed innocuous, but did spark something in her: a lady came in with a stroller and had a baby girl possibly 8 or 9 months old. The girl was beautiful and she looked at the mother who herself was fairly attractive. The baby was noticeably of darker skin than the mother. This is what stood out to her. It was very rare where she lived.
Amalia smiled at the little girl and she smiled back. The woman noticed and unstrapped the child and let Amalia hold her. The little girl was one of those friendly babies, who did not hesitate to stick her fingers in Amalia's mouth and pull her cheeks. Amalia hugged her and played with her. She was overcome by a deep sense of emotion. This baby made her feel a certain way and she cried a lot. The mother of the child was a rather compassionate woman and she did not take her child away, she just left them for moment, until the moment passed before hugging Amalia and asking if she felt better.
The mother was wise enough not to press or ask what the matter was and she left it at that.
They talked about other things. Where she lived and what she did for a living before she stayed at home as a mother. She observed her experiences where not to dissimilar to hers ; having studied abroad, she got a job and stayed there. She admitted it was a wild but fun time for her.
And she fell in love. That is what stopped her in her tracks. She said if it had not been for the man she met, she is not sure where should be today.
"His love for me was compelling, arresting. It just made sense."

"Sorry if this sounds rude or nosey, but your husband, where is he from?" Amalia asked,

The lady smiled. She told her that he was from a far away land and from a different people as you could tell from her daughter. She anticipated Amalia's thought..
"My parents, in fact my whole family accepted the relationship. They judged him on whether he was a good man or not. His race or colour was irrelevant," the lady said.
"I suppose I always had this confidence because my dad had always made it clear - a good man is a good man. Full stop"

Amalia thought about this for a moment. Simple but true.

She cast her mind back to the time she was with Berish and she saw him in a new light. She felt a sense of shame recalling what she had said to him and having a baby with him. You grow up and realise that some things in this world are for other people to worry about and cast judgement, and in many cases, erroneously. You have to live your best life!

The new reality in her home was akin to a cold war; adamantly refusing him to take her second wife, Amalia, was now on some very unsteady ground. She did not mind in fact she hoped he would propose an option of divorce, that way at least he could freely marry and she could reevaluate what she wants in life.

Her husband did no such thing. He wanted to punish her and bring her down. In fact he moved out the house and moved into one of their other homes. He had the means to.
Cut off the allowance that he generously gave her. That she did not mind, because she could work and was qualified. But here, as a woman, the jobs at a level of experience were hard to come by.
There was no way that a man would be put behind a woman if it so happened that it was down to two candidates..
Frustrated, she took what she could find and of course the money was less.
"I have to adapt. That is all I can do.." she mused.
The life she had become accustomed to suddenly looked like some sort of far away mirage. The luxuries that she took for granted, were now a thing of the past. Though she had saved a lot of money during her days working, slowly that was dwindling away.
As with most women in that part of the world, she had bought gold, the finest gold either as bracelets or earrings or such similar trinkets.

For her it had been an excuse to buy the gold as she loved jewelry and never thought of it beyond it being a store of value or wealth. Now she saw how women shielded themselves against sudden changes in economic fortunes.

The other part of their personal cold war was her husband cutting her off from his family, knowing very well that her parents and relatives came from a city more than 1000 miles across the country.
As in olden times, one lays seige to a city until it gives up or else the population is starved to submission or worse.
So her husband knowing full well the limits of opportunity for employment for her woman of her calibre were limited, he cut her stipend from the previous luxurious amounts he gave her without accounting.
Not knowing her way around this city, the ins and outs of getting a decent job, especially for the level of her qualification proved difficult. You had to be connected. Sure she could get a job but to be like some sort of intern was an unbearable thought.
First she chafed at her straitened circumstances and for the first time in her life she started to feel sorry for herself. What had she done to this man for him to turn against her so fast?
Had she not tried to speak to him to smooth things over? That had not worked.

'Dear husband,

After much consideration and seeing that we cannot resolve things amicably between us, I request a divorce from you. I do not want to stand in the way of your happiness and I would like you to be free to marry again. But I would rather not be your wife as well. I can't and will not accept it.
A.

'Dear wife,

It is not for you to request a divorce. It is I who must divorce you. And under what grounds do you seek this parting? You have food? Yes? Clothing? Yes? Shelter? Yes. What more? Money. You have. I do my duty. As you know the laws and customs of this land, you will not bring this case to a success.
Please consider this matter out of the question.
Husband.

Part 3

It is was supposed to be a quick drink after a long day in the office. Winter was here and as is the case, if one drink turns into two on a cold uninviting night outside, you stay put. So that is what Berish did.
There was a sleety snow falling outside and a side ways sort of wind blowing. The kind of wind that makes an umbrella pointless.

It was not long after midnight and as he got home, slightly tipsy, he reheated the takeaway he had just bought and turned on the TV as background noise for distraction.
There was nothing that he could possibly want to watch on the box.
Just then a message came through on his phone.
One bleep, two bleeps, a third and a fourth.. He was in no rush to answer it, thinking its one of his work colleagues with nothing too important to say..
So he left it for a while.
Having done away with the takeaway and relaxing with a cup of tea he decided to have a look at his messages.
The first thing that struck him was the country code and the fact that it was a number not in his contacts.

9002- Hi Bery.. I hope you are well. I know you will probably not recognise the number.
9002 - Bery are you there? It's me Amalia if you are wondering who this is.
9002 - Bery I know it's hoping and asking for a lot but please if you can find it in you to reply and just say hi, it would mean a lot just right now..
9002 - ok...

Berish spent a few moments just look at the message. His heart surged and started to beat faster, beyond all those buried emotions, this triggered a rush of memories from the past.. One part of him wanted to reply and the other part wanted to hold out.. "let the feelings subside but don't reply". The internal discussion carried on for a while longer and the part that wanted to reply won him over. He seemed to sense Amalia was in need of someone to talk to.

Bery: hi..
Bery : how are you? Its been a while? Married life must be good? I hope you are doing well..

9002 : Bery!! Oh my goodness!! Its you 😊!
9002 : you replied Bery! At last you replied and I am so happy for that
9002 : How are you?
Bery : Good thanks. You know. The usual..
9002 : That's good to hear..its late and I hope I am not disturbing you?
Bery: No no it's OK. It's fine actually. I came in not too long ago, so you timed it just right..
9002 : Oh its good to know.
9002: Bery.. I hope you have forgiven me... I wrote to you twice and you did not reply.. So this bothered me a lot, not knowing if you still held something against me... And
Bery : Amalia, don't worry about it, bridge under the water. Yes of course I was mad and angry about it and about you. But then I tried to see it from your point of view.. And I guess I got less angrier about it..
9002 : Bery we grow up and we make mistakes and we judge things in the wrong light I guess. I look back and see that now. You were good to me and maybe good for me but I guess my heart did not see it then..
Bery : Amalia, its alright. As long as you are happy this is the important thing. With time the sting is less painful I guess..
9002 : I envy the girl who is with you, she must be a lucky person..
Bery : So married life must be good for you then. Its been what 5 or 6 years? 😊.. And any babies �'�‍�'�‍�'�?
9002 : Married life is good.. 😃😃😃 No babies yet but we are trying..
Bery : Well either you or your husband is not trying hard enough 😤.. You should have 2 or 3 by now.. Come on Amalia, you think marriage is a holiday?... Get busy 😊
9002 : 😄😄😄
9002 : Bery I see you have not lost your humour. Its good. You have made me smile
9002 : Let me leave you to get some rest.
9002 : Thanks for the chat. It's made my day look brighter.
Bery : Yes Amalia, it was a nice surprise and it's good hearing from you. You look after yourself and my regards to your husband.
9002 : Thank you.
9002: please save my number OK..? And you better not delete it 😊
Bery : hahaha don't worry I won't
9002 : Good night
Bery : bye

Amalia, felt a sense of relief. She felt lighthearted because it had been a while since she spoke to someone that accepted her. Sure, she had not been sure that Berish had forgiven her and the relief she felt and the lightness and familiarity of the conversation made her feel that much better. A weight, a load had been released and she felt she had someone to talk to.
The other side of the equation was that she had not be entirely striaght in regards to the situation of her marriage. The had painted an untroubled picture but that is OK, if anyone was understanding, then it was him - Bery.

With some women, again, they have that luck - a former boyfriend or childhood sweetheart or male friend, who for some reason, remains on their mind come what may - who offer support when they need it most and when they can't find it where they should find it..

Her sleep that night was peaceful. She was often restless and suddenly that night, she dreamed. Though she could not recall the dream, it was calmness and light. She did not want to wake up as the noises of the morning got louder and harder to ignore.

On the other side of the world, Berish had the day off and it was him and his thoughts. Something seemed to trouble him but he could not quite put his finger on it.

After a morning tea, he had gone into his study, to read, to meditate, contemplate and pray. Still, he felt no relief at the time.
He felt it might be that he felt guilty for not letting Amalia know that he had forgiven her - he imagined the burden she was under, of this feeling, that this person or that person had refused to release them from that sense of guilt. "Its not cool," he thought.

There was also something about context, the tone, of the chat that showed something had changed in Amalia. There was a vulnerability, she never used to display.
Something was not right? Was she not well? Or was there trouble in her marriage or family? These thoughts ran through his mind.
By degrees, he tried to push that thought to the back of his mind.
Something that hadn't happened in a long time, he started to think of Amalia and he would make a conscious effort to try erase those thoughts from his mind. 'No I should not be thinking of her.. She has her life and she is happy. Clearly there is no rational reason or point to think of her, " so the refrain went.

During moments of frustration or if something did not sit well with him or his mind was in turmoil - he had a hobby that he took up that engrossed him. The hours would fly. He had taken to fixing old watches and time pieces. It required immense concentration and sitting at a work bench for houses on end with an eye glass and twizzers. A lot of the time, he had no success but just the fact that his mind could focus on one thing and away from whatever it was that was harassing him, always felt like a victory.
And there it was, just like that, the wall he had put up to forget Amalia had crumbled and fallen down!
The good thing was that he saw her as a friend now and he was not burdened as he once was by that feeling of an unrequited love. But he was sensitive enough to know that all was not well with Amalia. Why had she got in touch?
An experience that often happened to Berish, was he would think of a person or say to himself I need to get in touch with mum or this person or that one and as though by chance, that person would either ring or contact him or they would come to see him.
He had not thought of Amalia in years and yet that week, in snatches, she came to his imagination.

"Why don't you come back if things are not going so well?" Berish asked.
By and by they had started to talk over the long distances. This was a changed Amalia, a more measured and much more compassionate! She was loyal too and hoped something in her husband would be moved in him to give up his demands or to let her go.. But deep down she hoped the essential goodness she saw in him would prevail and he would show contrition and try work things over with her. She did not want the humiliation of divorce but equally she could not give in to his demands.
She was frank and honest with Berish. At first he struggled with it because a little spark of hope had been ignited but then gradually it dimmed when he saw no hope of him and Amalia getting back together. And there he was, the guy who was the listening empathic ear for her. It made a world of difference. No matter how difficult a day proved, Berish was there - a sounding board, a punch bag for he emotions.