False belief

It's difficult when the morals of the world have changed...

It’s been 5 years since I’ve actually talked to my mother seriously. The house is dark, because she’s afraid of running up the electricity bill. The only form of electricity is the television. She’s watching her regular GOD channel service at 6pm. I remember she missed a service, locked herself in her room, and prayed for 3 hours straight; repenting her sins and all. I’m sitting in my room, biting my nails and looking at the inspirational lines I made for myself when I’m ever stuck in a rut. I am stuck in a rut. I can hear my mother singing her hymns, speaking in tongues, and clapping.

 5 years ago, I was 15, overweight, and had low self esteem. I had a couple of friends here and there, but I truly had one friend. We’re still friends now, we talk, but we don’t talk about everything. It’s an unequal friendship. She tells me every little detail about her life. I can’t. I’m paranoid about what people will think of me if I tell anyone this. When I was younger, I could tell my mother anything. I remember I told her that I won’t get a boyfriend until I’m 50. That’s how bad I felt about myself. I want to tell my mother this, but I’m afraid of what she’ll think of me when I do. What am I going to do if she doesn’t accept what I tell her? My friends will accept me; I know that for one thing, I know that they’ll always be there.  But my mother, she disowned my older brother because he’s gay. Her belief is, that men should like women, and women should like men. That’s how God made us, she said to me.  She doesn’t talk to him. She doesn’t visit him. He doesn’t exist. I still talk to him of course, he’s blood. I accept him. I can’t abandon him. I am her only child now, and I don’t want to let her down if I tell her this.

 

I hear the priest on the television finishing his service. I can hear my mother repeating, “Praise his name! Praise his name!” I take a deep breath, and continue to read one of my inspirational phrases that stick out at me: “Through thick and thin, family will always be there.” I re-read it 10 times. I’m nibbling at the skin of my thumb. My stomach gurgles. I hear my mother calling my name. I stand up, and read my phrase one last time. I walk out of my room, and into the living room lit with the lights of the TV.

                “Yes, mom?”

                “So what is this you wanted to talk to me about?”

I sit in the chair opposite of her and face the television. I see in the corner of my eye her doing the sign of the cross.

                “Well, I just feel I haven’t talked to you like I usually have.”

                “Ok, well what’s going on?”

                “Ok, well I talked to Dave the other-“

                “Hannah, you know we don’t mention that name in this house.”

She looks at me dead in my face.

                “Ok, I’ll get to the point then mom.”

                “Yes?”

                “Well you know how I’ve been with Greg for 3 years now?”

                “Yeah, you guys need to get married so I can have me some grandchildren!”

                “Well... that’s just it mom.”

                “What?”

                “You’re going to have a grandchild, in about 9 months time.”

Author's Note

This story is about 4 years old, I wrote this on my course and just found it again, needs an extreme edit, so criticisms welcome.

Reviews

[13.9]

Overall, I'd say this is a pretty well-written piece. I like the way you set up the mood of the scene; you really did a good job of establishing the character's trepidation clearly and her relationship with the mother.

There were a few things I'd want to point out, though:

While I appreciate your ability to set up the immediate scene, I still feel as if it was lacking in a few details. I can't quite place the character's situation. She must be 20 and obviously has a great deal of independence, but what is her mother's role in her life at this point? I can't tell if she lives in this house, in which case I would assume her mother is more closely involved in her life, or if she's just visiting, in which case I would assume it's normal for there to be a distance between them.

Another thing I felt kind of left me hanging was the role of religion in this story. You reference back to how religious the mother is a lot, and it's obviously significant, but I can't quite place what it's significance is. Is it important because the daughter is afraid of how her mother will react to her news given that the daughter isn't married? Is it being used to establish the distance and disagreements between the two? If it's the former, I think it may be useful to clarify the tone of the last few lines, as those seem to be the most significant to that. If it's the latter, I think it may be best to simply state somewhere that religion is a cause of frequent or exceeding strife between them.

Parts of the dialogue seemed a bit forced to me, but I think that's just because I had a bit of difficulty gauging the tone of their words. I think it might be easier to clarify the conversation with either dialogue tags or a few lines of description mixed in.

There were also one or two lines that seemed a bit awkwardly phrased and a few typos, but nothing really significant.

Again, though, as a whole, I liked this story, and I hope I'm not being too abrasive. I do like your set-up and really like your use of detail to create the setting. I also thought you did an excellent job at creating tension between your characters in few lines. Good write. ^^