Parenting Styles

Parenting Styles

      Looking back on my childhood days I recall that my parents utilized several different parenting styles. The most distinct one I remember being used was an Authoritarian style.  My Step-Father tended to use this style more so than my Mother.  He was generally strict, dominating, controlling, and very critical. I often heard I was hard headed followed by, “d****t, can’t you ever do anything right”.  I felt like I never did anything right and could never live up to their expectations.

     I recall feeling very unloved and under nurtured.  In my early childhood my Mother worked a lot and I was in a home daycare.  I felt like I had uninvolved parents during this time of my life. 

     Researchers have found authoritarian parenting by both fathers and mothers to be associated with higher levels of hostility in children (e.g., Baumrind, 1971; Dornbusch et al., 1987; Lamborn, Mounts, Steinber, & Dornbusch, 1991) I can certainly attest to this being true.  I was very hostile, and I hated being told what to do.  I felt like I had very little freedom and therefore rebelled and made many unwise choices.  

     I was often made to feel small and insignificant as well as feeling I didn’t or couldn’t ever act the way they thought I needed to.  I remember my Mother constantly telling me to “Cool it Sarah” (Sarah was an famous over dramatic actress from the early 1900’s). When asked why she called me that, she replied “my behavior was always over the top”. 

     It is interesting to note that she felt my behavior was over the top due to the way she was raised.  In her home she was taught women didn’t bring attention upon themselves, so she henceforth stifled my growth and my ability to be who God created me to be. My mother and I greatly differ in how we express ourselves outwardly.

     Since parenting skills are among the most powerful predictors of child developmental outcomes, it is vital to understand the ways in which parenting practices may be transmitted across generations. (Campbell & Gilmore 2007) My Mothers parenting practices were definitely acquired from the generations before her.

     I now understand that my Mother struggled with low self-esteem, poor self-concept and had a lack of identity.  She was detached emotionally because her own mother was aloof.  Her mother was and still very much lives in fear of making wrong decisions. She always tries to please people and doesn’t think she can live up to others expectations.  It is a very sad thing to see because I no longer believe those things for myself.

My Personal Parenting Style

     Research on parenting styles shows that an individual’s beliefs about childrearing styles and parenting goals may be important considerations in understanding the childrearing strategies that parents adopt. “More information about how family relations are actually experienced in families evidencing different childrearing styles may extend knowledge about influences on parents’ choices about childrearing styles and views of family relations in their own homes.” (McGillicuddy-De Lisi & De Lisi, 2007 )
 

     My parental goals now greatly differ in contrast to the ones I had when I first became a parent. I used to flow in and out of parenting styles due to ignorance as well as my own lack of emotional well being.  When my daughter was much younger I appeared uninvolved at times and detached emotionally due to the state of my marriage.  I was not in a healthy emotional environment and felt the need to detach emotionally to protect my own psychological wellbeing. What I failed to realize at the time was I then caused harm to her wellbeing.  I do regret that and try my best to make that up to her. I apologized to her for doing what I thought best at the time and for failing her.

     Being in graduate school and working full time I realize there are times when I can flow back into that lax, uninvolved style.  I can tell when I need to be more loving and emotionally supportive.  In fact the other day I specifically took time out of my demanding schedule and made my daughter a priority and gave her my one on one attention. I intently listened to her and laughed with her.   Afterwards she replied, “thank you Mommy this meant so much to me I wish we could do this more often.”   It reminded me how important it is to show a consistent level of love.  It is not only important to guide her by discipline and to give her clear boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable but also show her consistent love signs.

     I now use a combination of the different parenting styles and determine which one to use based on what the situation is and what is appropriate and deemed necessary.  I try and keep in mind that I am dealing with a child who is impacted by my words and their effects. There are times when I will lay down the law and be extremely firm.  There are other times based upon her actions and reactions I choose to be more lax and less strict. I intently explain why I am disciplining and reprimanding and refuse to say because “I am the boss and I say so”! I also remind her that I love her no matter how she behaves and my love for her is constant.

     I believe children have a normal tendency to “push the envelope” and see how far they can get.  They need and want a parent who will put them in line because it shows they truly care. By doing so you are teaching them healthy boundaries.  Nothing says it more obvious than the word of God, “no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.” (Hebrews 12:11, New International Version)  I discipline but do it with love as the Bible teaches.  “For these commands are a lamp, this teaching is a light, and the corrections of discipline are the way to life.” (Proverbs 6:23)

     Research shows that children of authoritative parents “earn higher grades in school; are more achievement oriented, independent, self-reliant, friendly, and cooperative; are less depressed, anxious, and dependent; and show lower levels of internalizing and externalizing behavior problems” (e.g., Baumrind, 1967, 1989; Steinberg, Elman, & Mounts, 1989; Steinberg, Lamborn, Dornbusch, & Darling, 1992; Stice & Barrera, 1995; Wolfradt, Hempel, & Miles, 2003).

     By choosing to use the above style I know I am helping my daughter develop into a healthy and emotional person who will one day be a mother herself.  I don’t ever want her to look back with regrets.  I think we all do the very best we can at the time with the knowledge and wisdom we possess and that parenting styles can and do change as we walk down the road of the journey through life.

     Parents are models and mirrors to their children. As the children look into their parents mirrors they mimic what they see.  In my family mirrors I can look back and see the last 4 generations. Reflected in those mirrors was a consistent image of a critical spirit. It obviously very much affected the way we all parented. With God’s help I shattered those mirrors and hung a new one that now reflects a loving spirit of God.

 Clinicians focus on Parenting Styles

      A growing body of research indicates that not only do parents play a formative role in determining their children’s development (Collins, Maccoby, Steinberg, Hetherington, & Bornstein, 2000; Grusec, 2002; Patterson & Fisher, 2002), but they also have a significant influence on how their children will, in turn, parent their own children (Van Ijzendoorn, 1992).

      Therefore it is very important for mental health clinicians to have a thorough understanding of what parenting styles are. They need to understand the characteristics that may be displayed due to certain parenting styles. When clients come into a counseling office and discovery is made finding out how their parents disciplined is valuable information. Finding out how they were treated as children can give a good snapshot into what areas might need to be re-parented.

      Clinicians can offer hope and guidance to their clients and illustrate better parenting models as well.   They can be told that God gives us all the ability to begin again.  He can help re-parent us and give a new birth.  "If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation." (2 Corinthians 5:16-18).  He is the God of second, third and fourth chances.  We all have the opportunity to create a new way and a new life shown through his love and his guidance that will make a difference not only in our children’s lives but our grandchildren’s and great grandchildren and the future generations to come. The manual for clinicians as well as parents to learn proper parenting styles is readily available for all to pick up.  The future of our children is at stake and our society needs all the help it can get. I encourage all who read this to read the manual provided by Our Creator which is meant to be a light and lamp for our path.

  

 References

 

Baumrind, D. (1967). Child care practices anteceding three patterns of preschool behaviour.  Genetic Psychological Monographs, 75, 43 – 88.

 

Baumrind, D. (1989). Current patterns of parental authority. Developmental Psychology

Monographs, 4 (1, Pt. 2), 1–103.

 

Campbell, J., & Gilmore, L. (2007, December). Intergenerational continuities and discontinuities in parenting styles. Australian Journal of Psychology, 59(3), 140-150. Retrieved September 15, 2008, doi:10.1080/00049530701449471

 

Collins, W. A., Maccoby, E. E., Steinberg, L., Hetherington, E. M., & Bornstein, M. H. (2000). Contemporary research on parenting: The case for nature and nurture. American Psychologist, 55, 218 – 232.

 

Dornbusch, S. M., Ritter, P. L., Leiderman, P. O., Roberts, D. F., & Fraleigh, M. J. (1987).

The relation of parenting style to adolescent school performance. Child Development,

58, 1244–1257.

 

Grusec, J. E. (2002). Parental socialization and children’s acquisition of values. In M. H.

Bornstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting: Vol. 5. Practical issues in parenting (2nd ed., pp. 143 –167). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

 

Lamborn, S. D., Mounts, N. S., Steinber, L., & Dornbusch, S. M. (1991). Patterns of competence and adjustment among adolescents from authoritative, authoritarian, indulgent, and neglectful families. Child Development, 62, 1049–1065.s

 

McGillicuddy-De Lisi, A., & De Lisi, R. (2007, December). Perceptions of Family RelationsWhen Mothers and Fathers Are Depicted With Different Parenting Styles. Journal of Genetic Psychology, 168(4), 425-442. Retrieved September 15, 2008, from Academic Search Complete database.

 

Milevsky, A., Schlechter, M., Netter, S., & Keehn, D. (2007, February). Maternal and Paternal Parenting Styles in Adolescents: Associations with Self-Esteem, Depression and Life-Satisfaction. Journal of Child & Family Studies, 16(1), 39-47. Retrieved September 15, 2008, doi:10.1007/s10826-006-9066-5

 

Patterson, G. R., & Fisher, P. A. (2002). Recent developments in our understanding of parenting: Bidirectional effects, causal models and the search for parsimony. In M. H. Bornstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting: Vol. 5. Practical issues in parenting (2nd ed., pp. 59 – 88). Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

 

Steinberg, L., Elman, J. D., & Mounts, N. S. (1989). Authoritative parenting, psychosocialmaturity, and academic success among adolescents. Child Development, 60, 1424–1436.

 

Steinberg, L., Lamborn, S. D., Dornbusch, S. M., & Darling, N. (1992). Impact of parentingpractices on adolescent achievement: Authoritative parenting, school involvement, and encouragement to succeed. Child Development, 63, 1266–1281.

 

Stice, E., & Barrera, M. (1995). A longitudinal examination of the reciprocal relationsbetween perceived parenting and adolescents’ substance use and externalizing behaviors.  Developmental Psychology, 31, 322–334.

 

Van Ijzendoorn, M. H. (1992). Intergenerational transmission of parenting: A review of studies  in nonclinical populations. Developmental Review, 12, 76 – 99.

 

Wolfradt, U., Hempel, S., & Miles, J. N. V. (2003). Perceived parenting styles,

depersonalization, anxiety, and coping behavior in adolescents. Personality and Individual Differences, 34, 521–532.

 

Author's Note

Written for my first Human Development Class my first semester of Grad school at Liberty University
The APA format did not copy properly