UNPROTECTED

How Im feeling right now about things going on in my life and the potential life of others.. left in the hands of people who don't care enough, all comments appreciated :) Thank you !!

                            UNPROTECTED

 

Nerves exposed in raw, deep tender tones

Emotions on overload for fear of no one caring

Life hanging in the balance cradled in the hands

Of the incompetent fearful of the outcome

Wanting to choose life through the pain

Clinging to the notion that the feeling of

Anything lets us know we are alive.

Fighting the want to give in and become numb

This line is so thin crossing so tempting

Straws building to the breaking point leaving

Backs grossly twisted, something has to give.

 

Predictions of life ending too soon at the hands

Of the neglectful feeling unprotected.

Uncared for by the people who don’t know

How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money

Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang

From the rafters of your apathy

Our lives flow day by day in a continuous motion

 We have a rhythm, if not felt we trip sending

The next human into despair interrupting the

Prospect of what could be like dominos we

 Fall into the darkness leaving us as children

 Feeling unprotected.

 

By: Debbie Mills Kelly 7/19/2012 

Reviews

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Debbie

Now friends, I thought I would review one of your poems. I chose this attracted by its title.

I will often look at the nuts and bolts of the writing (especially poetry) I review, but will always give the writer the personal impact the poem has had on me so that the writer can get a flavour which helps guide them in their writing.

My review.

1) Structure, rhyme and rhythm: You have two stanzas which are in effect eleven lines long, but where in the second you add a twelfth as a sort of envoy where you repeat the title 'unprotected'. I find that stylish.

You choose not to rhyme.

As for rhythm, albeit it fluctuates a little the relative length of each line lends its own mellow feel.

2) Punctuation: You use punctuation throughout. I like that sort of consistency. Punctuate fully or don't do it at all. There are however places where normally extra punctuation might be needed. But it matters little to me.

This is free verse. As is often the case with your sort of piece it could easily have been written in prose format - 'poetry in prose'.

3) Use of English: Rich! neither over complex nor simple. See more in impact and favourite lines below.

4) Meaning: Often poets may be opaque and leave the reader to guess their meaning (should in fact there be any) or form their own opinion.

On the other hand, poems can be written in a way which is easily understood, author's note or not. I feel this poem fits into the latter category. In a sense, your author's note, whilst interesting and welcome would not be necessary given the title and words of the piece.

Were I to try and summarise your meaning in my own words it would be:

Life can at times be threatening.
There is little to connection with anyone.
If there is at its most benign apathetic and at worst harmful.
You are surrounded by users not givers.
Confined by those who only come to you in need and for your own sake.
Constrained as you say by relationships where only 'money talks'.
As a result you walk a tightrope between survival and depression.
You despair at the superficiality of life.
You lack what you need most.
Even if only one, a person in your life.
People who in their selfless giving prove that the world is not meaningless.
Fellow travellers who exhibit compassion and love.
The absence of that connection results in your feeling vulnerable and unprotected.

5) Impact and favourite lines:

First lift and your first two lines:

Nerves exposed in raw, deep tender tones
Emotions on overload for fear of no one caring

This is where we all need to grab the readers attention. First appearances count. You do this well and set up the meaning. I like the way you use contrasting words 'raw and 'tender'.

You do the same in the next two lines: 'cradled' and 'fearful'

Second lift and the last four lines of your first stanza:

Fighting the want to give in and become numb
This line is so thin crossing so tempting
Straws building to the breaking point leaving
Backs grossly twisted, something has to give.

Here you actually give a flavour of the tightrope you walk between survival and despair.
Above all you subtly weave in the words of the generic 'The straw that broke the camel's back'. That I find stylish.

Third lift:

Uncared for by the people who don’t know
How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money
Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang
From the rafters of your apathy

I love the last line. Here you pull out the point that life is full of superficial uncaring money grubbers.

Next lift:

Our lives flow day by day in a continuous motion
We have a rhythm, if not felt we trip sending
The next human into despair interrupting the
Prospect of what could be like dominos

We all need to realise that the slightest of our actions towards others can have an impact which is unhelpful to harming. We all need to take responsibility for our own behaviours and actions. Impact one person adversely and they might do so to another so the that the seams of many lives are torn apart.

Last lift and your envoy:

Fall into the darkness leaving us as children
Feeling unprotected.

The result of people's actions intentional or not in their superficiality leave us feeling like abandoned vulnerable children.

6) Overview: A well crafted free-style poem, richly packed with meaning, to which I relate and I can only imagine may have the same impact on other of your readers.

I never look at others reviews before doing my own. I want to form my own opinion rather than it being formed by anyone else's

Accomplished.

With my warmest regards


James Hanna-Magill

[Debbie_Philly]

James I am in awe of your review.... you took so much time and care into each stanza... I'm really in awe of it. Thank you so very much... I only hope that I can be as well informed with your pieces.... I knew when I requested you that I would love reading you... I just got online so I will be over. I know in my bio I said I hosted a classic poetry show on air and I did... but I don't know everything their is to know.. not by a long shot so your words are very comforting. My son and daughter have very high IQ's and their English and spelling are impeccable.... mine .. not so much..lol I don't know where they get it from. I like the reader to get what they need or want to get out of the poem, I think this is key to writing free form. We may write it for ourselves at first but I know that every poet loves when another can relate.. I know it makes me very happy. You got it pretty spot on... this stanza here:
Uncared for by the people who don’t know
How to do their jobs, it’s only ever about the money
Do what you do to the fullest people, lives hang
From the rafters of your apathy

Was meant for the medical profession.... they don't always get it right and they some times can be the money grubbers.
Thank you so much for your thourgh review of my work.. I am so happy to meet you.
I just hand surgery on my hand for a large tumor and I'm not supposed to be using it so forgive me if it takes to long to type... I just realized I was using both to type and that is a no no..lol. Thank you again and I very much look forward to reading you :)
Take Care,
Sincerely,
Debbie

[James Hanna-Magill]

Dear Debbie. Thank you for that. My complete pleasure. We have connected. And I am thankful. I see more precisely where you are coming from now in terms of private healthcare. Hello friend, James

[Stargirl]

Very emotional and very well expressed! I love how you connected the ending "feeling unprotected" to the title. Exceptionally well written just like you're other pieces of writing! Well Done ~

[Debbie_Philly]

You are so kind hun thank you so much for your words.... the mean allot !! :)

[Debbie_Philly]

PS will be over to read you again as well... and send me request if you like

[Dr. Wood ?]

I agree...Very emotional piece and also extremely well written. You are to be congratulated. It must have made you feel so much better in yourself when you completed this

[Debbie_Philly]

It did Wood... thank you :) Very nice to see you here... its good to see your read me !! :)

[Dr. Wood ?]

I must apologise as I only just found out how read request works

[MOON]

Emotional write ,very well expressed.

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you very much !!! Thank you for reading :)

[That_Girl]

Expressed so well. I love it. Nothing more needs to be said. :)

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you sweetie !! :)

[EileenMarie]

I can relate I feel that pain... I love how you expressed it! Great job!

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you so much .... I tend to write about things Im going through...lol. I just wrote this tonight... thank you again hun !!!

[afra]

i can relate a lot with this poem ..... i love it ...good job

[Debbie_Philly]

Thank you very much Afra !! :)

[afra]

welcome debbie