The Path

This is a poem that I thought of randomly in class.

Walking down this dark path,

Not paying attention to my surroundings,

My hood pulled up, my bangs hanging out,

I look the same as when I was alive.

 

I should have listened to her.

If I did, I wouldn't be dead.

My stubbornness, however, took over,

Leading me down a path of death.

 

I was just walking along,

Following my instincts, never looking up,

Till I felt someone following me.

My head jerked up, my eyes widened, ready for the attack.

 

He came at me with full speed,

Never giving me the chance to dodge,

His body ramming me to the ground.

The sound of his laughter filled the darkness.

 

I sat up slightly, staring my attacker in the face.

His sunken eyes bore into my soul,

His bony face gleaming in the moonlight.

Death had come to tell me it's my time.

 

Taking his hand and standing up,

I knew it was my time to go.

My soul was taken out of me,

Adding to his collection.

 

He allowed me to stay here,

On the Earth that I love.

No one can see me, but that doesn't bother me.

I was invisible, even when I was seen.

 

So now I just walk this dark path,

Looking for the light to peace.

For now, however, I must keep walking.

I will find it someday.

 

Author's Note

Please put your true feelings on this poem. Thank you <3 :) The "her" in the poem is the girl's conscience.

Reviews

[Summer D.]

I generally like sad and brooding poems along with happy and more thoughtful ones. This was a little bit weird. I do enjoy uniqueness, if that includes telling a story by creating a poem.

The lines don't particularly work well together and it's choppy. :)

Walking down this dark path,

Not paying attention to my surroundings,

(You could definitely re-phrase this. Maybe, " a blind eye to the scenery "? )

My hood pulled up, my bangs hanging out,

( I guess this line is okay. I think you should take it out though :P)

I look the same as when I was alive.

( Dramatic. I like that!)

Part 1 Revision:

Walking down this dark path
A blind eye to the scenery
I look the same as when I was alive.

=========

I should have listened to her.

( This is fine but I would add to it. - I should have listened to her. The whisper in my ear; that gentle caress that guided me so.)

If I did, I wouldn't be dead.

( Choppy. Once more. Instead of a poem narrating a story it strays too much towards.. something that feels like a story. I think you could rewrite this- Tis is my plight and rightfully so, for perhaps if I did I wouldn't be so lost. So cold, so frightened, on the path of death)

My stubbornness, however, took over,

Leading me down a path of death.

( You can take those two lines out :3 )

Part 2 Revision:

I should have listened to her.
The whisper in my ear; the gentle caress that guided me so.
Tis is my plight and rightfully so, for perhaps if I did I wouldn't be so lost.
So cold, so frightened, on the path of death

=====

I think you get the point. Some of the language you use doesn't really seem that ' poetic ', parsay. :) I'm no expert but this piece has room for improvement.

Nice job anyway.

[PrincessZeldaWannabe]

I don't know what you were talking about! This is another one of ur best writings and the beginning was written epically along with the end!