Chapter 1 Reflection in the Mirror

She had broken the chain that links them.

In the darkness of the night, a city bathed in light shone illuminating the darkness. The people were festive for the birth of the new slayer was dawning. Laughter and shouts of joy, chattering and talking filled the night. 

Little do the humans know that this will be the last time they will sing and laugh for this will be the night that a new age will begin...

Our story begins at the palace gardens of Rhumekein, capital of the royal empire, Ruminas, which is ruled by the blue blooded queen.

Now, the world of Eldrun was split to two realms. The realm of light where humans reside, a realm where there is balance of night and day. And the realm where the fanged ones rule and monsters dwell an eternal night. 

For thousands of years, this world was always in conflict and it is always the vampires and humans that do battle. Humans fought for freedom from oppression while Vampires fought for the right to rule. It was only that seven hundred years ago, the magician and tried to make peace with both sides. The magician's name was Altair, the man who established 'The Guild', the first Order of Slayers. Slayers are people trained to eliminate threats to the society, be it in humans, vampires, or monsters. It was through the Guild's efforts that the millennial war came to an end and for the first time, Eldrun experienced peace for several centuries, perhaps. 

Back in the gardens. Four children were playing tag while a boy in his teens observed them. The boy wore a black coat that flowed behind him as he walked around, over a black vest engraved with the Guild's signature crest, and a silver chain in his wrist shaped like a cross. 

"Green, show us some more fireworks please!" said a little girl. 

"Yeah Green, more! More!" requested another child. The boy looked over with his bright green eyes and smiled, "Sure, why not?" Then he took off his gloves and his hands burst into silver sparks like lit sparklers. The children were amazed as Green threw the sparks into the air and burst into a dozen of bright lights. 

"Well, well, well, there you are," said a voice 

"Zeke, I'm surprised to see you here." said Green as a tall black guy with curly hair came over. "He looks weird" "Cool hair!" "Who's that guy?" asked the children. 

"Ha! The name's Zeke, best friend of the genius student prodigy that has ever lived!" Zeke boasted loudly. "Anyway, man, the commander wants to see you. So say bye-bye to the kiddies now." "Oh!" Green said at the thought of the commander "Uh, okay. So guys, I'm gonna be gone for awhile. Will you watch the ceremony later?" apologized Green. Some of the children groaned but one said "You'll come back with more fireworks, will ya?"

"Of course, I will." replied Green. "Come on Zeke.". "Alright!" Zeke shouted. 

And with that, they both left the moonlit garden. 

The halls were filled with golden light, outside the palace grounds. The festival was all over the city, the hallway grounds was quiet except for the footsteps of two young men, Green was walking nervously while Zeke walked casually (as always) with his arms behind his head. 

"So, you're still wearing that thing?" pointed at the chain cross on Green's wrist. "that has got to be dangerous especially with these rumors of you and the princess spreading around like fire." said Zeke with an evil grin on his face. 

"Shu-shut up!" stammered Green. He felt his grew hot and by the look on Zeke's face, he was blushing. "There's nothing happening between me and your highness. Besides, I'm just a slayer, she could use someone better!" explained Green. 

"Really, now, eh?" 

"Of course! Knock it off Zeke!" 

"But are you sure that a certain someone won't hear about this?" Zeke asked Grin smiling evilly. Green froze. "If you tell her, you better prepare your own coffin cause I'll bury you alive."

"Oh, scary. . ." said Zeke as Green walked off. They walked a few more steps occasionally saying 'hi' to the maids. Green started to think about the ceremony later that night.This is the night where he will join the ranks of other slayers. The night where he will be able to find even some answers, answers to his unknown past. 

Ever since he was young, he always wanted to be a slayer. They weren't just fighters, they're travelers, teachers, doctors, scholars, protectors, and friends.

Long ago, Green lived alone in a run-down cottage on the outskirts of the village of Berckson. Had no recollection of his family, relatives or past. He just knew he was Green and he can do magic. Green's talent caught the eye of the Guild master and so he told Green of stories about slayers and their heroic deeds. Then he asked Green if he would like a new home. Green readily agreed. He then transferred to the Guildian Academy, only to find out that he was the first magician after 300 years, they were somewhat extinct and no one knew how. But even with his magic at his side, he did not use it. He was a genius, a true prodigy that he excelled in almost everything. 

The reason why he was graduating four years earlier than all the other slayer apprentices is because he stopped the hybrid project a year ago. The plan of a traitor organization inside the Guild itself and defeating an elder vampire singlehandedly. But those events did not lead any hints to his past just more bad memories he wants to forget. But now, everything seemed to be just an old nightmare now. 

"Deep thoughts you got there" said Zeke, smiling, but the smile is like an older brother's. "How do you know?" Green asked suspiciously. "Hey, you're like the brother of Tinker Bell, I know when you're thinking of something important, you're like this." Said Zeke making a staring-into-space face but cross-eyed and with his tongue hanging. Green and Zeke laughed loudly in the empty hall that they didn't hear a new voice calling them. 

"Green Rider! Zenon Keyx!" it shouted. Green froze. "I-it's her, right?" Green asked but the look on Zeke's face was an obvious answer. "It's her, the crimson iron maiden." said Zeke as he got paler and paler. The footsteps sounded like war drum rolls as they got near. In Green's head, it was vibrating like crazy, then as he turned around, his head hurt like someone smacked it, Zeke was no different from the sound of it, he got hit twice, his eyes, watering because of the pain, Green tried to open his. "You useless clods! You're going to be late!" shouted a tall girl with red short hair and jet-black eyes. She wore her Guild jacket with one button undone. She also has a very cold and masculine aura about her. "Well hello Gwen, looking good tonight." Zeke managed to say after recovering from her blows. "Confound, you! You useless piece of trash, you're going to make him late," "And you!" Gwen turned to Green. "What're you waiting for, creep! Get your butt already!" scolded Gwen. She's Green's third best friend, she's cold, cruel, and carries a five-foot long broad sword on her back. Even though she's 'manly' she's like Green's older sister and a person he admires. "Keep running! Don't stop!" told Gwen. The three turned one last corridor and caught of a man smiling as they came near. "And i thought you will be late, Mr. Rider." the man said, "Commander. . ." Green bowed in respect. The man wore armor over his shirt, a purple cape with the symbol of light embroidered on the center. He had long silver hair matching his armor. . . But he had a strict and cold aura about him. He regarded Green with a cold sinister smile as if telling him 'I will have your HEAD' Green forced himself back to reality. "S-sir? Um, you called?" Green asked. "No," said the commander, "It was the person inside.". Green's stomach went cold, "Did he do something wrong?" he looked at his friends, Gwen looked nervous while Grin had an idiotic grin on his face with his thumbs up as if saying 'good luck'. "Well? In you go." the commander ushered Green in. "We'll stay here, waiting for you." Green reassured. "Thanks." said Green and with that, the doors closed with a click. . .

There was no light in the room, faint streaks of moonlight came from the curtains but it was not enough for Green to see the whole room. 

"Hello?" he called. "Is anyone here? Hello!!!" Green stubbed his toe on a nearby chair, "Ouch, ouch, ouch. It's too dark, need a light." He extended his left arm, his silver chain clinking and chanted "LUMINA" His hand burst into white light. So bright it dazzled him. When he can see again, he scanned the room. The room was fully furnished and well-kept (as expected of the royal family, of course). It had a crystal chandelier, a purple carpet, a fireplace, the curtains must have been made from glitter weave, Green guessed. Portraits of past kings and queens. Green saw a quaking figure wrapped in by a blanket on a chair. Cautiously he approached it, his lit hand over his head, ready to strike. But as he was going to take off the blanket, the figure took it off and jumped at him. "Green!" he did not have time to react. By the time he knew what was going on, something heavy was on top of him and hugging him tightly, choking him. "A-aliana, you're hugging me quite tight. . . C-can't breathe. . ." Green groaned. "Oh! Green! I-I was so scared! The commander closed the lights and locked the doors as I was waiting for you!" Aliana sobbed. Gee, what a crybaby, he thought. "Your majesty, please get off me, you're heavy. . ." Green pushed her aside but she won't budge. When Green managed to stand, she was still hugging him, " You can let go of me now, your majesty." Green advised. "Ah! Forgive me of my trespassing, Mr. Rider." she blushingly said while Green massaged his ribs. 

In his first few years in the capital, Green accidentally helped (though the princess insists 'save') Aliana from getting lost once in the city. The princess became fond of him. She let him come to the castle to study and keep her company. Since the Guild master has close relations with the queen, the two were allowed to be together even Green wasn't of noble blood. She was like a small flower, fragile and you also have to look after it all the time. 

The princess was short and timid and rarely goes out without escort. But ever since the incidents a year ago, she seemed to be more braver than before especially after her kidnapping. 

when Green got a cleaner view of her, he was surprised by what she was wearing. She wore a pink cotton gown embroidered with crystal accessories, long silk gloves with pearl of different colors on her fingers, pink pearls around her delicate neck, silver earrings that twinkled like stars, her blonde hair tied at the back and a crystal tiara over her head. 

Author's Note

To be continued.

Reviews

[xx]

Story has promise!

There are a few grammatical issues, but other than the occasional missing comma
{The people were festive for the birth of the new slayer was dawning.}, the story flowed reasonably well. There was one consistent error that I saw, and even though it's relatively minor in comparison to the rest of the story and the quality of the writing, the errors draw attention away and distract the reader. For example,

{The princess was short and timid and rarely goes out without escort.}

As a reader, I understand that the princess /still/ rarely goes out without escort, even up until you report this, but just as the princess "was" short and timid, she rarely "went out" without escort. The tense in which your story should usually stick with the past, even though the description itself is still "current." There are a few other related errors in this piece, but they are easily corrected, so don't worry. :)

There is one important thing to remember: ALWAYS separate different characters' dialogue; there are very few exceptions and fewer writers who can pull them off. The general rule is to make a new paragraph for each character's speech, even though the line may be short. For example,

{"Deep thoughts you got there" said Zeke, smiling, but the smile like an older brother's.
"How do you know?" Green asked suspiciously.

"Hey, you're like the brother of Tinker Bell, I know when you're thinking of something important, you're like this."}

Just like that. Always separate different characters' dialogue pieces. There's another important thing to remember, too, about the use of dialogue. I'm not skilled at explaining things out, so I'll use an example or two. You typed this:

["Well hello Gwen, looking good tonight." Zeke managed to say after recovering from her blows.]

When it's a simple declarative statement, you end the dialogue with a comma instead of a period, because while the dialogue piece may be complete, the /sentence/ is not - you still have to complete it with "Zeke managed to say." So, corrected, the sentence should read like this:

{"Well hello Gwen, looking good tonight" Zeke managed to say after recovering from her blows.}

When completing the dialogue piece with an exclamation mark, question mark, etc., you don't have to convert it to a comma - but when the dialogue ends in a period, you DO convert. For example, you used an exclamation mark here:

["Shu-shut up!" stammered Green.]

This is fine.

["Ah! Forgive me of my trespassing, Mr. Rider." she blushingly said while Green massaged his ribs.] And this should be corrected to this:

{"Ah! Forgive me of my trespassing, Mr. Ride." she blushingly said while Green massaged his ribs.}

Also, there are some awkward lapses in syntax - the sentence above could be modified, streamlined. "Forgive me of my trespassing" sounds awkward - how about "Forgive my tresspass" or something similar? And "blushingly" saying something is an interesting choice of words, but the problem is that people don't "blushingly say" something - they /say/ something, but their /skin/ blushes. How about ending the dialogue with a period, and then saying that she blushed? Like so:

{"Ah! Forgive me of my trespassing, Mr. Rider." She blushed while Green massaged his ribs.}

In this case, it's fine to end the dialogue with a period - because you're ending the entire sentence and beginning a new one.

As a whole, the story has promise, although there were minor instances - e.g. Zeke's "best friend of the greatest prodigy" comment could have been dropped in a less awkward manner, less of the author's view of Green showing through - that could be fixed or deleted altogether. Do continue - just keep in mind my suggestions and read accomplished writers' material for research purposes!

:) Happy writing!

-Mina

[NcrosReigns]

and viewers ""Ah! Forgive me of my trespassing, Mr. Ride." she blushingly said while Green massaged his ribs."
Mr. Ride is Mr. Rider. I'm sorry.

[NcrosReigns]

Thank you very much MINA!!! I would remember that!!! I never really got to edit my story cause I still have many things to mind and I was lazy.. hehehe... Watch out for more twists, that is only three-fourths of the first chapter.