The Pantomime

Staring at the endless blue, I listen to its moans

Silently, listening, to its sighs and sways

So quietly, listening to its rhythmic prose 

And although I try to search my tongue

to explain this copious amount of beauty

I stand dumbfounded, as nothing but silence escapes my lungs

And my admiration for the sea turns into frustrating fury

As day turns into night

And the bluebirds slumber awakens the cooing owl from its rest

I awaken, with perspiration beading on my head and heavy heaving from my chest

O' it was a terrible nightmare, that has stricken me from my lovely sleep

And O' how I wish I could shut my eyes and go to a sweet dream

But my eyes stay open, so still and so scared to death by the darkness

 I remain wide- eyed, without knowing what to expect but silence

So sleepy- eyed and stuporous, so tired and murky

I rise at the wake of the resplendent and overly- bright morning

One misstep, And I'm sprawled on the floor 

holding my toe, gritting my teeth and rocking back and forth

I stagger and stumble until I am hoisted from off the ground

And go about my day without making a sound

Author's Note

I am rather embarrassed about this poem, I believe that I could have done MUCH better.
Honest opinions please.

Reviews

[Aarontastic]

You shouldn't be embarrassed, because we all do writes that we aren't super proud of sometimes XD But considering how you are capable of writing, I think that you can do this better too. There were several awkward things in this poem from my perspective.

First of all, the opening three lines of the poem read oddly to me. I understand that you were going for some parallel structure there in the second two lines, but it doesn't really hold together well because you repeat a form of listen 3x and threw in an extra common after 'listen' where you didn't really need one (in the second line). Secondly, the reader hasn't got a firm idea of what the poem's subject is until it's revealed to be the sea in the last line of the first stanza. I think it would be more effective if you either made a reference to the sea at the beginning of the poem, or saved it until the very end, if you wanted it to remain a mystery.

At first, after I read the the rest of the poem, it seemed like the second and third stanzas had no relation to each other or to the first one. I think that you might have just been writing a poem that was like a narrative of events that happened in your day possibly, but it still feels like there's a lack of unity or connection overall--the title of the poem, Pantomime, doesn't seem to fit in either except in a very superficial way, as it is referenced in the last line of the poem and the first stanza that the speaker is silent and doesn't talk. I feel like you were going for something way deeper than that, but it just doesn't quite manifest for me.

Really, this poem wasn't that bad. I think that if you worked a little on the opening and tied the stanzas together to the title more explicitly, you'd have something really interesting here :)

[nevermindfan1991]

Staring at the endless blue, I listen to its moans
Silently, listening, to its sighs and sways
So quietly, listening to its rhythmic prose 
And although I try to search my tongue
to explain this copious amount of beauty
I stand dumbfounded, as nothing but silence escapes my lungs
And my admiration for the sea turns into frustrating fury

Endless blue... I know you’re trying to be ominous here but giving a noun to this adjective would clear things up here. The rhyme scheme aba works very well. It seems very organic and not forced. But the second and third line are basically saying the same thing so I might be wrong. Choose a better word than copious. It does not seem to feet. Though “nothing but silence escapes my lungs” sounds beautiful it does not make sense. There is no need “frustrating”. It is a good alliteration but it bogs down the poem and is completely unnecessary. Also you switch from perfect to near rhymes which ruins your previous consistency.


As day turns into night
And the bluebirds slumber awakens the cooing owl from its rest
I awaken, with perspiration beading on my head and heavy heaving from my chest
O' it was a terrible nightmare, that has stricken me from my lovely sleep
And O' how I wish I could shut my eyes and go to a sweet dream
But my eyes stay open, so still and so scared to death by the darkness
 I remain wide- eyed, without knowing what to expect but silence

The transition here is abrupt. The second line also does not make sense. How does slumber awaken an owl. It doesn’t. I know what you’re trying to say but you have to chose another way to express it. “heavy heaving” no...another egregious alliteration. The third and fourth line are too direct and too simple unlike your previous lines.
You should only “so scared” so still is not necessary. I really enjoyed how the stanza ended.

So sleepy- eyed and stuporous, so tired and murky
I rise at the wake of the resplendent and overly- bright morning
One misstep, And I'm sprawled on the floor 
holding my toe, gritting my teeth, and rocking back and forth
I stagger and stumble until I am hoisted from off the ground
And go about my day without making a sound

Stuporous sounds strange here and “tired and murky” sounds redundant. Again you over use adjectives. You can simply say resplendent. No transition by line 3 so it’s very abrupt. comma after teeth. The conclusion is bland and is a quite a let down. Also you’re rhyme scheme is random. It shows the reader the poet has a tenuous grasp on his/her own poem. This poem is better than most poems I’ve read. Your word choice is the reason why and your delivery is coherent. But you tell rather than show. It is simply recounting events than reciting a poem. Getting into the crux of the feelings.

I agree, you could have done much better.

[Tai Ryens]

Don't be embarrassed about this, it's by far one of the greater poems in this sight. It is truly a lovely and dark piece of beauty, but I'm afraid I have to agree with you that you could have done slightly better. It is fine the way it is, but with a few revisions, you may by improve it. One example is what Darkshines says below, the subject about verbs repeating. Other than that, this is a true beauty.

[DarkShines]

Don't be too hard on yourself with this piece, It's really quite good. The only thing I can suggest is looking at some of the word choice. At a couple places in the first two stanzas you repeated the same verb two lines in a row. But really, this is a lovely poem.