Perfect

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She says I am perfect
She says I've no flaws
But she's not seen what these hands have done,
Or should I say these claws?

I try to say I'm not
but then she demands an explanation
How can I tell her, all I've done
with the justifying word, temptation?

This monster who I truly am,
the beast with a Gothic facade
scares away the best of 'em,
maybe even God.

But all of this does not matter,
as it was in another life.
Why do I continue to tell myself this,
when all it does is cause mental strife?

She's always on a different plane,
so I could tell her all this
She tells me about her cuts,
please, God, not again.

I may begin to tell her,
little bit by bit.
But what she doesn't know won't kill her,
... will it?

Author's Note

This is my first piece of work.... Be gentle :)

~DS

Reviews

[.]

~~ this is a very powerful and moving piece of writing... ~~ i think all of us are guilty of doing unpleasant things in moments of insanity... or maybe i think this because i've done things i'm not proud of... ~~ anyhow, i relate to this piece a lot...

[DeadShot]

Hey everyone. Thank you for the feedback. Perhaps I'll use some of the criticism to help create a better piece next time. The "ABAB" form is the only form I actually know, I realize that, that's kinda lame. This is however the only piece of writing I've done since a short story in 8th grade, so, I thought it was relatively okay. I've been trying for another entry, but I can't seem to think of a good base for it. But anyway, long comment made short, thanks to everybody who provided input and thank you for reading my work. I'm glad people enjoyed it.

[DaughterNature]

Since this is your first, please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to start simpler. I had to learn the same painful lesson when I was younger: poetry is not what you think it is. One of the red flags for me was rhyming "life" and "strife." Think about it: have you ever used the word "strife" when you were just talking? Probably not. While I love $100 words perhaps even more than the average person, they have a time and a place. Instead of trying to write something that sounds like you think poetry sounds, write a paragraph about how you feel about something, or creating an expanded image on a picture or scene. After you've written the paragraph, break it up into lines - it might just be a poem all on its own!

On to the next point: mechanics. I LOVE poetic forms, rhythm, and rhyme schemes. I know that using them well shows the true discipline of a poet. Unfortunately, using the elementary ABAB rhyme scheme can often feel trite, detracting power from the imagery of the poem. Like I said, try a paragraph poem. Try some other forms, not just the standard quatrains that you have here. Use structure, rhythm, line length, and rhyme to ENHANCE the subject of your poem - some subjects need rhyme, some are hurt by it.

[Emily B]

it's a great start, i always suggest to beginning poets that they read their work out loud, let your ear tell you if it flows or not, then make the structure match how it sounds so that your readers all hear it too

i like the subject, the monster within, I've been trying to tame mine lately too

[bob, small b. aka invs]

the rhyme scheme confuses me. in every verse, the second and fourth lines rhyme except the 5th verse, which doesn't rhyme at all, unless you were going for a rhyme with plane/again, which would rhyme the first and fourth line. i'd either rework the whole poem without rhymes or make that 5th verse fit the rest of the poem. just a little technical thing that bothered me.
for a first poem, i really like this for the most part. it's probably more interesting for what it doesn't say than what it does. it intimates a lot of different things without revealing them. there is probably a story behind the poem, which would be interesting reading as well. nicely done.