Growing Old Gracefully

A monologue exploring an elderly woman, who has a joy and zest for life, however no constant person in her life to share it with.

Growing Old Gracefully

By

Darrel Draper

(Ruth, 65, sits speaking to her middle aged son while she rummages through a bag of washing. She lives in a warden controlled flat. Ruth is full of life and loves to laugh. Quick to point out other peoples flaws but is a little ignorant towards her own. She is loud, bubbly and has reached an age where she is fully acceptant of herself, even if others aren't)

RUTH: Well for one, it's far too cold to be walking around like that, it's winter, not bloody summer, and two, there's something rather indecent about wearing the Union Flag on your crotch if you ask me. Well it is. I think he thinks we're all interested in him or something, they way he walks past all puffed up flashing his chest hair. All grey. Just highlights the fact he dyes his hair. Plonker. Don't say anything, but we've put in a petition to have him evicted, well, he's a perv. He is! George, you haven't seen him. Always knocking on my door asking if I need anything. I feel like saying, yeah, for you to F off. No of course I didn't. No, he's not just being kind. He's got one of those smarmy faces. You know? Think I'm going to buy him a nice thick jumper for Christmas, he's got bigger b***s than me. Well he has! It's vile. Well it is! Walking around like that. It's indecent. (Beat, finds tissue in some trouser pockets) Ah! What did I say? Check your pockets first! The last time I had to rewash everything. No, it's fine. No you don't have a tumble dryer and I've seen the way you iron. Never seen a tie wrinkled before. No, it's OK, just check your bloody pockets in future. Look, shut up, I said I don't mind. It's just the bloody tissue. Shh! I'll do it! I said I would!

Speaking of tissue, you'll never guess what happened the other day (Laughs to herself), I'm on the toilet and....No. Just listen!.I'm on the toilet and, well, I've done my business and.....Shh! Listen! I've looked over and realised, I've run out of paper, so I thought, oh no, what the hell am I going to do. Now I wasn't going to use one of my nice new towels so I.....Shut up will you! I pulled the cord. Yeah. I did. Well what else was I going to do? This WAS an emergency! And anyway, I heard, “Everything OK Miss Herring?”, and I knew by the voice it was the nice young chap who's just started working here, think he volunteers, and I said, “I'm ever so sorry, but I’m out of loo roll. Is there anything you could do please?”. I had to! Either that or phone you up. And I wouldn't expect you to come all this way just to give me some toilet paper. Anyway, he came round with a roll and passed it through a gap in the door (Laughs to herself) and I was a bit cruel really, as a joke, I said to him, “Oh no love, you're going to have to come in here and do the honours, (Laughs to herself) he just went silent. What! It was a joke! No I'm not! In what way am I a hypocrite? Oh that's different! It is! He didn't actually see anything! Besides, my dad used to say, there isn't a person alive who isn't a hypocrite, and if they say they're not, then they certainly are, so, I suppose, you're right. But anyway, I said to him, the young warden, only kidding. And he was alright with it because he made a joke back, what was it he said now? Um, something about pulling my own chain instead of his. We both laughed about it. Was just a bit of fun George, that's all. (Mutters) Jesus, if you can't laugh at your age.

(Beat) So, yeah, I didn't completely scar him for life, no, he's a nice young lad, although to be honest with you, his nose must have suffered quite....Oh for gods sake! I know yours doesn't smell of Roses, I'm the one that used to.....What! Christ. (Mutters) You certainly didn't get that weak stomach from me. (Beat) So what time are you meeting him up London? Why so late? Well you be careful at that time. I don't care how old you are! You're still my son! I still worry! You can't expect me not to. (Beat) Well if you're going to be hanging about that late you make sure you take a fork with you. Yeah, a fork. Because if you're stopped with a knife it's gonna look dodgy isn't it. I mean, if you're caught with a fork, at least you can say, I always carry a fork with me encase I wanna get some chips or something. No, not always. Not everyone eats them with their hands. Yeah I know that, but, you can't exactly do much damage with a wooden fork now can you? I'm serious! Especially with these clowns on the loose now as well! Carrying god knows what! No I'm not. Well that's different, I'm an old aged pensioner, mines in self defence! I'm not the one who looks like they've just escaped from the circus. Oi! Watch it you! You're still not too old for a clip round the ear. (Beat, laughs to herself) Maybe you should just take a custard pie with you, or rubber hammer, sure that will deter them. No, don't! Obviously I was just joking! You just run if you see one. OK? I'm not being ridiculous! And no headphones late at night, you need to be aware of your surroundings. I mean it George, no headphones! And you text me as soon as you're in, I don't care what time it is. Alright? Text me.

(Beat, finds more tissue in the pockets of another item of clothing) Ah! Again! How many times! You know what, I'm going to keep all this, just encase I ever run out of toilet paper again (Laughs to herself). Oh, OK, you sure you don't want another cup of tea, or a cake, I've just got some nice.......Alright then, OK, yeah, no, I'll um, let you know when it's all washed and ironed and you can come.......Oh OK, yeah, of course, I forgot you were going away again, busy, busy, busy ay, (Sniggers) I suppose that's the busy in business, busyness, you know what I mean......So I suppose I'll just hang on to it until, yeah, sure, she's welcome to come collect it, be nice to see her again, been a while, be a good chance to catch up, maybe.....Who said anything about grand kids? No I didn't! She was the one who......She did! I'm not pressurising......Right, OK. So I guess I'll see you when you get back then. OK. Yeah. I'll walk you out. (She exits the stage, from off stage we hear) Bye, love you! Be careful! Remember to text me! (She returns to the stage and sits down, glancing down at the bag of washing by her feet, she lets out a slight sigh and sits in silence for a moment before standing up and walking over to an intercom next to an orange chord, she pulls the cord)

(Optional) Voice off stage: Everything OK Miss Herring?

RUTH: Everything's fine, I just um........Don't suppose you fancy a cup of tea? I've got some nice Madeira cake.

(Blackout)