Cubicle Confessions

CUBICLE CONFESSIONS

By

Darrel Draper

Synopsis: Outside is a party. Inside is a war between your true identity and the façade you up hold in the public eye. During one evening at a night club one group of characters will learn a lot about themselves behind the closed doors of a bathroom.

Scene One.

(Lights up. Music. From one side of the stage Kai and Harry emerge and walk up to the bar which is in front of the audience, shortly after Louise and Zoe emerge from the other side of the stage and walk up to the bar. Both couples stand a fair distance apart at opposite ends. Harry and Kai both reach for their wallets, however both insist on buying the first round. There's a backwards and forwards between them as each is persistent on wanting to get the first round. Kai eventually caves and allows Harry to take his money out of his wallet. Meanwhile the women have their own method of deciding who's going to buy the first round, upon reaching the bar they both bung their bags down, as if drawing their guns during a western shoot out. They look each other in the eye as they each have a hand on their zips, one of them mouths, “3, 2, 1”. They both furiously unzip their bags and rote through their belongings, first one to find their purse pays for the first round. Louise is the first to find her purse and pulls it out triumphantly. Zoe looks disappointed in a mocking way and demonstrates what she was doing insider her bag, which was just waving her hand about furiously without actually reaching for anything. Louise fakes a shocked expression, mutters the word “B***h” and they both laugh. There's a moment of both couples following the bar staff, as their heads move from side to side simultaneously as they follow them with their eyes, trying to catch their eye line. Harry starts to lean further and further over the bar with his ten pound note, stretching out his arm more and more, trying to gain the bar staffs attention that way, to the point he starts to look ridiculous. Kai laughs and looks at him as if he's an idiot before pulling out a twenty pound note and doing the same thing. Harry looks at Kai and feels temporarily defeated, until he remembers something, and takes out a fifty pound note. Kai is defeated and puts his twenty pound note away. Louise starts flicking her hair and attempting to use her female charms to attract the staff in a mocking way. Zoe then follows her and tries to out do her efforts. This attracts the attention of the boys. Harry is the first to spot them and nudges Kai. Kai looks over and nods his head as if to say “Not bad”, but Harry is clearly more interested. The women then in turn notice the boys who are trying their best to be discreet about their ogling. Zoe is the first to notice, who then in turn raises Louise's attention to them. Louise whispers something in Zoe's ear, she laughs and then looks over at them again. Louise finally gains the attention of the bar staff, she practically shouts her order before having to use sign language to translate as the music is so loud. She points, mimes shots and gestures, “Three each”, Zoe is slightly taken back by her order and mouths, “Three!”, in a stunned manner. Louise then thinks again, gestures, “Hold on” to the bar staff and then changes her order, she gestures “Four”. Zoe looks even more shocked. Zoe seems very wary, but not for her own sake as she reassuringly places her hand on Louise's shoulder and mouths, “You sure?”. Meanwhile Kai and Harry are growing more frustrated as they have yet to be served and it appears as if everyone else around them is being served before them. It looks as if someone has just barged Harry in order to get to the front of the bar, Harry looks like he's going to explode, however Kai calms him by rubbing his shoulders and telling him to chill out and relax. Blackout)

Scene Two.

(Lights up. Bathroom. We can hear muffled music coming from outside. Kai is at a urinal. A toilet attendant stands behind. Kai finishes up, shakes and zips)

TA: Freshen up for the punanni, punanni, punanni, freshen up for the punanni......

TA + KAI: (Together) We love p***y!

KAI: Yes mate! (Grabs the TA's hand and pulls him in for a macho man hug)

(The TA just realises he's yet to wash his hands and looks down disgusted)

TA: Good night?

KAI: (Beginning to wash his hands) Yeah mate. Some tasty birds out there.

TA: (Offering his bounty of aftershaves) Spray?

KAI: Nah, I'm alright.

TA: No spray. No.....

KAI: Lay! (Pats the TA on the arm, giving him a wet arm as he has yet to dry his hands, the TA grabs some paper trowels to dry himself before passing any to Kai) Usually the spray comes after the lay (Winks and laughs, TA chuckles slightly).

TA: Lollipop?

KAI: (Suddenly his tone changes) Why would I want a lollipop? (TA shrugs) You know why the women have the lollipops don't ya? (TA shrugs again. Beat. Kai reverts back to his previous tone) Course you do! Don't be stupid! (Shakes his head in disbelief, takes out a pound coin from his pocket and places it on his tray) And as an extra tip. Get rid of them (Gestures to the jar of lollipops, laughs to himself and goes to exit, as he does Harry enters, they almost bump into each other) Whey!

HARRY: I win by the way.

KAI: What's that?

HARRY: You were the first to break the seal.

KAI: F**k it. I'll get the next round in.

HARRY: Just make sure to keep your eyes on those girls.

KAI: Will do.

HARRY: I call dibs on the tall one with short hair.

KAI: I always knew you had a thing for......(Remembering the TA) Tall girls with short hair.

(Laughs to himself, exits)

(Harry also notices the TA and suddenly comes over very awkward and self aware. In this next section we hear both the TA's and Harry's thoughts aloud via sound clips/audio to be played over the action)

HARRY: Ah great. I hate these guys. (Moves to a cubicle to check it's open but it's occupied)

TA: You think I wanna be here?

HARRY: S**t. Wonder how long their gonna be.

TA: I wouldn't hold out much hope. Think he's dead in there.

HARRY: (Lingers by the cubicle for a bit) Just try before anyone else comes in. (Quickly oves to a urinal)

TA: Does he think I enjoy standing here? Desperately avoiding watching other men piss.

HARRY: I can feel his eyes burning into the back of my skull.

TA: Dealing with drunken twats. Having to think of all these stupid rhymes.

HARRY: Oh god, I can feel it shrivelling. No. C'mon, C'mon, C'mon!

TA: I bet there's a book you can buy now. 'The Toilet Attendants Guide To Ridiculous Rhymes'. Actually, I should write it.

HARRY: OK, count down from five.

TA: Maybe I could sell enough copies to never have to work again.

HARRY: Five, four, three, two, one, and, release. (Beat) AND, release. (Beat) Argh! C'mon!

TA: Or at least never have to work here.

HARRY: OK. Ten, nine, eight........

TA: I should just be honest.

HARRY: Six, five, four.......

TA: Nah, don't be stupid. Probably the only person who doesn't think I'm a loser.

HARRY: Two, one, zero.......

TA: Hopefully something else will turn up soon.

HARRY: Argh! C'mon! No, that's it, I can't stand here any longer. I've exceeded the maximum pissing time. Just wash your hands and come back later, hopefully the cubicle will be free then. (Pretends to shake, zips up and moves to the sink)

TA: I'll see you in about ten minutes. (Out loud) Spray?

HARRY: (Out loud) No thank you.

TA: (Thoughts a loud) I'm not even gonna bother saying it. (Hands him a paper towel)

HARRY: (Out loud) Cheers. (One paper towel is not enough, his hands are still wet, he waits to be handed another. Thoughts a loud) Why am I not using the dryer? The dryers just over there.

TA: (Thoughts a loud) I'm gonna enjoy this. (Hands him another single paper towel, still not enough to fully dry his hands)

HARRY: (Thoughts a loud as he waits for yet another) Oh for god's sake! Why didn't I just use the dryer! (Eventually wipes his hands on his jeans) Suppose I got to pay him now. (Routes through his pocket) Pay him for not using the bathroom.

TA: (Thoughts a loud) I'm not sure who this is more degrading for.

HARRY: (Thoughts a loud) It's a damn basic human right. (Still searching his pocket) C'mon, find the smallest coin. Is that a fifty p? (Takes out a two pound coin)

TA: (Thoughts a loud) Result.

HARRY: (Thoughts a loud) Ah f**k it! (Bungs it on the tray) I thought the saying was spend a penny.

TA: (Out loud) Thanks.

HARRY: I should report this to the police (Harry exits).

TA: (Thoughts a loud) Ha! 'Small prick. Big tip!'. That's definitely going in the book.

(Blackout)

Scene Three.

(Lights up. Music. Zoe and Louise are sat together, as the boys are lingering in the background looking over at them Louise is knocking the drinks back and looks like she is drinking Zoe underneath the table. Louise pulls out her phone and begins taking several selfies with Zoe. The boys in the background mock them as they do this. After taking many selfies Louise drags Zoe up on the dance floor, Zoe looks slightly reluctant but doesn't really have a choice as she is dragged along. They dance for a bit. Louise seems to be going wild, Zoe stands in a fit of laughter. In the background Harry seems to be egging Kai to go over and instigate a conversation with them, Kai is reluctant, Kai in turn eggs Harry on. Zoe gestures that she's going to go to the toilet, Louise follows. The boys have missed their chance. Blackout)

Scene Four.

(Lights up. Women’s bathroom. Blurred music can be heard in the background. The two women enter, checking themselves in the mirror immediately)

ZOE: Your new nickname is Kaleidoscope.

LOUISE: Kaleidoscope?

ZOE: Coz of all those shapes you be throwin.

LOUISE: (Laughs) I got to make the most of it. (Mutters) While I still can.

ZOE: (Moves to a cubicle, speaks while she sits down. However she is not actually using the toilet, just needed an excuse to take a break) You're an absolute animal girl.

LOUISE: You mean a dog? (Staring in the mirror at herself with insecurity, as she looks at the bags underneath her eyes, she begins to apply more make up)

ZOE: No. More like a cougar. (Growls. She takes off her shoes with a look of pain)

LOUISE: Yeah right.

ZOE: You are. Got those boys lurking around like a couple of lost puppies.

LOUISE: Think their more interested in you.

ZOE: (Masking a yawn) Then there barking up the wrong tree. (Takes out some plasters from her bag and applies them to her ankles) Poor pups.

LOUISE: (After finishing her make up she begins to route through her bag) Does Malcolm know you're out tonight?

ZOE: Nope. But he probably won't be back until early morning.

LOUISE: (Looks around suspiciously. Takes out a medicine bottle of Prozac/anti-depressant tablets and quickly takes one, using water from the tap) You're lucky to have a man who works so hard.

ZOE: Suppose. Be nice to see him more though. (Takes out a medicine bottle of her own, 'Caffeine tablets', takes one using a bottle of water from her bag)

LOUISE: Yeah but, being a manager's difficult. Which is why I gave it up. I was the first in, last out. Life's already short enough without working yourself into an early grave.

ZOE: True dat. (Puts her shoes back on)

LOUISE: I need to find me a sugar daddy. One that will make me rich. (Mutters) Keep me young.

ZOE: (Flushes the chain and leaves the cubicle with high energy) Right, ready to rock and roll?

LOUISE: Um, as always. (Zoe goes to exit) Aren't you going to wash your hands?

ZOE: (Turning back, playing dumb) Oh yeah. (Walks over to the sink)

LOUISE: (Laughs) Only joking, who cares if no ones around.

ZOE: Good point. (Leaves it. Beat) You never know, one of those boys could be a young entrepreneur.

LOUISE: I said sugar daddy. Not sugar baby.

(They exit. Blackout)

Scene Five.

(Lights up. Men's bathroom. Muffled music playing in the background. Kai comes storming in past the TA and straight into a cubicle, he slams the door shut and sits down in a huff. He repeatedly hits himself on the top of his head with the palm of his hand in frustration. The TA listens with a curious ear and curious expression. Shortly after Harry enters in pursuit)

HARRY: Kai? Kai? (He moves to the cubicles, tapping on the door) Kai? You alright? (No immediate answer, beat) Mate, what happened? You were well in there. (Beat) Kai? (Beat. Looks over his shoulder before he whispers) Could you at least let me use the toilet. (Beat, lets out a grunt of irritation) Fine. Come and find me. (Exits)

(Kai sits for a while trying to regain composure. Once he has done so he flushes the chain and exits, walking up to the sink)

TA: How's it going?

KAI: Alright.

TA: Any luck with the ladies tonight?

KAI: (Snaps) Oh you can f**k off as well! (Storms out)

TA: What the.......Man this bullshit! (In frustration he storms into the cubicle himself and sits down in an attempt to escape his job. He pulls out his phone and dials a number. There is no answer so he leaves a voice message) Hey, I know it's late and, I shouldn't really be ringing, but, I just wanted say, let you know, I'm thinking of you, and, I..... yeah, can't wait to see you. (Ends the phone call. Blackout)

Scene Six.

(Lights up. Women’s bathroom. Blurred music in background. Louise is knelt down head over the toilet while Zoe holds her hair, she has just finished being sick. She leans back)

ZOE: I told you to slow down.

LOUISE: I would have been alright I reckon, If I wouldn't have taken.......(Realising she's let it slip)

ZOE: What? (Pause) What did you take?

LOUISE: Um, just some, herbal things. (Beat) Maybe I am just too old for this s**t.

ZOE: (Laughs) So you ARE human? For a moment I genuinely believed you were some sort of party machine.

LOUISE: If I am, I'm old and rusty.

ZOE: Shut up. You know they say 30's the new 29.

LOUISE: Oh god. I was in an even worse state a year ago.

ZOE: (Pause, imitates Terry Tibbs from phonejacker/facejacker) Terry Tibbs. Talk to me.

LOUISE: (Laughs) Whatever happened to him?

ZOE: No, no changing the subject, I don't care what happened to him, I want to know what's up with you. Why you acting all crazy out there? It's like you've been possessed by the ghost of Paris Hilton.

LOUISE: I don't know, just......I thought I had it all together. Thought I knew where I was going, what I wanted to do, but, one day, I turned around and, it was like, well, the opposite, now I just think, what the hell am I doing with my life? I'm 3o years old, and what have I achieved? Huh?

ZOE: What was you supposed to achieve by the age of 30?

LOUISE: (Shrugs) Don't know but, I look at you, and you've got a decent job, decent home, in a relationship. And there's me. You know, just, floating on by.

ZOE: OK. First of all. I hate my job. Secondly. That home is the only reason why I keep my s****y job which I hate. Thirdly. My relationship is FAR from perfect, as I said earlier. Lastly. You're only 30 years old! Relax woman! If you're not happy with your life, you got plenty of time to change it. AND, I'll tell you a little secret, I had to take a caffeine pill tonight just to keep up with you, so if I'm as wild and crazy as you in four years time, then, I've got nothing to worry about.

LOUISE: (Pause. Smiles) Thanks. (Beat) Can I confess something? (Beat) I hate clubbing, never liked it. Even when I was a teenager. Hated it.

ZOE: Can I confess something? (Beat) Me too!

LOUISE: Shall we get out of here?

ZOE: Yes! (Helping Louise back to her feet) I thought you would never ask. Literally, I thought you were gonna go all night like one of those Duracell bunnies.

LOUISE: (Sniggers) A rampant rabbit. Hey, maybe that's what my life’s missing.

ZOE: OK. Confession time is over.

(They both laugh and exit. Blackout)

Scene seven.

(Lights up. No music. Harry is running around in the streets trying to look for a perfect spot to relieve himself, he is very desperate, he thinks he finds somewhere discreet. He relieves himself, but as he is urinating a police officer slowly creeps on and up behind Harry)

HARRY: (Urinating in a cathartic manner) Oh god yes, yes, thank you. Ahhhhhhh. Incredible. (Finishes and zips up) Best, piss, ever. (Turns around and stands stunned by the police officer who is now face to face with him. Harry gulps) Evening.

(Blackout. Lights up. Kai is stood on stage with Harry)

HARRY: Cheers mate, I owe you.

KAI: Eighty quid! That's a joke!

HARRY: And there I was thinking two pound would be the most expensive piss of the evening.

KAI: Why didn't you just go in the club?

HARRY: Couldn't.

KAI: Why?

HARRY: Just couldn't. Don't like it when people are around me, you never know who's looking.

KAI: Are you homophobic Harry?

HARRY: No, I'm just, don't like it is all.

KAI: There's nothing wrong with it.

HARRY: What?

KAI: Your penis. It's bigger than mine.

HARRY: What! How do you know!

KAI: We've been friends for years Harry!

HARRY: (Pause) Kai, are you gay?

KAI: Don't worry, you're not my type, and that would be almost incestrial (Laughs to himself). You're like my brother.

HARRY: Wait, hold on, are you serious?

KAI: (Squares up to him in a menacing way) And what if I was? Ay. Would you have a problem with that?

HARRY: (Beat) No.

KAI: Cool. (Steps away)

HARRY: Cool.

KAI: Cool.

HARRY: Cool. (Pause) But are you.........

KAI: Yes! OK! I am a gay man! I'm gay! I like c**k! There! I said it! You happy world! I am a HOMOSEXUAL! Don't like it! F*****g bring it!

VOICE: (Off stage. Disgruntled) Shut up! No one cares!

KAI: (Laughs, big smile) That felt good. (Drops his happy tone) S**t, I need to apologise.

HARRY: It's OK mate......

KAI: Not to you. Guy in the toilet (Harry gives him a dodgy look). The towel man! I lost my s**t at him. Feel bad now.

HARRY: Oh well. I'm sure he'll be there next week.

KAI: Yeah.

HARRY: (Pause) So you really mean it, yeah? You think it's a decent size.

(Blackout. Lights up on TA walking home, he's stopped by a shady looking stranger who seems genuinely desperate/worried)

STRANGER: Sorry, scuse me, don't normally do this but, I'm stuck, need to get home, got no money on my oyster for the night bus. You got any change on you? Please. I just need a couple of quid to get home. Please mate.

TA: Alright. (Hands him some change)

STRANGER: Thanks. (Change in tone) What else you got?

TA: Ay?

STRANGER: What else you got?

TA: (Sniggers) You joking?

STRANGER: (Takes out a knife) What's it look like?

(The TA stands frozen. Blackout)

Scene Eight.

(Lights up. Zoe and Louise are both underneath a blanket at opposite ends of the stage on the phone to each other)

ZOE: To be fair it was a good night. Just remember. Any time you need to talk, im at the end of this line.

LOUSIE: Likewise.

ZOE: And try and think more positively.

LOUISE: Sounds like you need to take some of your own advice.

ZOE: Probably. Right, we better get to bed. I'm sure the party machine needs to recharge her batteries.

LOUISE: (Laughs) Yeah OK. Night.

ZOE: Night. (Ends the phone call. Notices something on her phone that she hadn't before) Ah, new voice-mail from Malcolm. (She listens to the voice-mail, it plays out loud)

TA (Voice): Hey, I know it's late and, I shouldn't really be ringing, but, I just wanted say, let you know, I'm thinking of you, and, I..... yeah, can't wait to see you.

ZOE: (Hangs up the phone with a big smile) I'm a lucky girl.

(Slow fade on Zoe as she waits)

THE END