ESSUCKS

A comedy series about Vampires in Essex.......What more do you want?

ESSUCKS.

By

Darrel Draper.

SYNOPSIS: A fang-tastic dark comedy. A group of vampires in exile decide to take refuge in the county of Essex. Home of fake tan and the giant quiff. The three pasty shadow dwellers try to let go of their old life’s and adapt to living in the society of Romford, full of blood sucking monsters, none of which are vampires. In order to fit in the vampires decide they need to follow the local trend, and say goodbye to pale, and hello to bronze. Though they soon discover that the fake tan ironically protects them from the harmful rays of the sun, allowing them to venture out in the daylight for the first time in centuries. Giving them opportunity to rejoin civilization and leave the darkness that once consumed their existence. What begins is a journey to discover humanity, instead of merely tasting it. As although they have been alive for hundreds of years, this is the first time they have been away from their parents and now must live like adults.

EPISODE ONE. THE WORLD IN A NEW LIGHT.

SCENE ONE.

EXT. COUNTRY MOTORWAY. NIGHT.

Long shot of a road sign that reads 'Welcome to Essex', as the camera slowly pans closer a bloody hand print is revealed.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROMFORD HIGH STREET. NIGHT.

Establishing shot of a 24/7 tanning salon. Close up of sign,

'True Tan'.

CUT TO:

INT. TANNING SALON. NIGHT.

Two extremely under worked, tangerine skinned employees sit at the front desk, trivially passing time awaiting a much needed customer. EMPLOYEE #1 is scoffing complimentary mints meant for customers.

EMPLOYEE #2

(Looking at the clock with a yawn)

Think I'll make another a coffee. Wan't one?

EMPLOYEE #1

Na thanks babes, just had my teeth whitened. Tryna keep em in

shape.

EMPLOYEE #2

Those mints won't help.

EMPLOYEE #2 walks off leaving EMPLOYEE #1 alone at the desk. There is one last mint left in the bowl, #1 stares at it, fighting temptation.

EMPLOYEE #1

How many calories......

(Checks one of the empty wrappers)

Sod it.

#1 scoffs the last mint, leaving behind a mountain of empty wrappers. #1 accidentally knocks over a stack of business cards that fall behind the desk, #1 tuts and with great effort bends down behind the counter to pick them back up, as #1 goes to place them back on the counter they look up and are startled by the sudden sight of a possible customer, peering over them with piercing eyes, appearing strangely from nowhere. XZANDER is extremely pale looking, mid 20's, dressed in all black.

EMPLOYEE #1

(Shocked. Calling out for their colleague)

SAM! Customer! (Beat) You are here for a.....

XZANDER

(Direct)

Indeed.

EMPLOYEE #1

Looks like it's been a while.

(Offering a brochure)

What will it be, full body?

XZANDER looks down and notices the empty bowl and mountain of mint wrappers to the side, looks at #1 oddly, #1 gives an awkward chuckle in return.

EMPLOYEE #1

Midnight snack.

XZANDER

Mmm. I could do with one of them.

EMPLOYEE #1

Though there three calories, EACH.

XZANDER

I meant something more substantial.

EMPLOYEE #1

Oh right. (Beat) For full body you can either take the spray option or the UV light.

XZANDER

Definitely spray.

CUT TO:

INT. TANNING BOOTH.

XZANDER is stood behind a round curtain while he is sprayed by EMPLOYEE #2 through a gap.

EMPLOYEE #2

Keep rotating, just like a kebab, getting browner as you go around.

Spin, spin, spin.

(Stops spraying)

Hows it looking? Any patches?

CUT TO:

INT. SHOP FRONT.

#2 walks out with a bronzed XZANDER. #1 looks on in amazement.

EMPLOYEE #1

O..M..G..Now THAT does look good.

XZANDER

Really?

EMPLOYEE #2

(Gestures to a mirror)

Take a look for yourself.

XZANDER

I can't, I'm.....self conscious.

EMPLOYEE #2

You shouldn't be. You look amaze-balls.

XZANDER

(Looks slightly confused)

So you think I'll fit in here?

EMPLOYEE #1

Ahhhh. Not your home town then?

XZANDER

Far from it. But I'm looking to stay a while. I quite like the women.

EMPLOYEE #1

And they're going to like you, looking like that.

(Gives him a wink. XZANDER lets out a cheeky smile)

Oh wow, lovely set of teeth you have.

XZANDER

Thank you.

EMPLOYEE #1

I recently had mine done.

XZANDER

(Sniggers)

Is everything fake around here?

EMPLOYEE #2

(Smirks) Hopefully not the money.

How would you like to pay? Cash or card?

If you want to pay by card there's an additional....

At lightning speed XZANDER leaps over the counter and takes #2 by the throat, #1 lets out a scream and cowers in the corner.

XZANDER

(Looks to #1)

What's that word you people use?

EMPLOYEE #1

(Quivering)

What word?

XZANDER

That silly word. Beginning with R...oh what is it?

EMPLOYEE #1

Um....Reem?

XZANDER

That's the one! What on earth does that mean?

EMPLOYEE #1

Like, um, it's, it's, well, good, kinda.

XZANDER

Right, OK. Such a peculiar race of people.

XZANDER reveals his vampire fangs and bites #2 on the neck, draining some of his blood, #1 watches in terror, #2 screams in pain. XZANDER retracts and licks his lips.

XZANDER

Mmm....well I wouldn't say that was REEM, not REEM at all.

I wonder if you'll be any better.

(Throws #2 to the floor and slowly moves towards #1)

EMPLOYEE #1

No, no, please.....

XZANDER

How many calories in you?

EMPLOYEE #1 lets out an almighty scream as XZANDER moves in for the kill.

CUT TO:

SCENE TWO.

INT. PUB. STILL NIGHT.

APRIL is sat in conversation with a man she has just met. She is in her late 20's, also very pale and dressed in vintage clothing. She has a full glass of red wine in front of her, which goes untouched, while the man has several empty pint glasses in front of him as he downs the next.

IAN

Play much pool?

APRIL

I try and avoid the game.

IAN

(With a cheeky grin)

Not great at it then.

APRIL

Accidents can happen.

IAN

Accidents?

APRIL

Well, pointy wooden sticks. (Beat) Ian, it is Ian right? (He nods)

You got a wife, children, siblings, any relatives?

IAN

Nope. None living unfortunately.

APRIL

What about dead?

IAN

I thought I had a dark sense of humour.

APRIL

So there's no one waiting for you at home?

IAN

I'm a lone wolf.

APRIL

(Appears uptight about that remark)

Metaphorically you mean?

IAN

(Laughs)

You haven't even touched your wine.

APRIL

Oh yeah.

(Takes a tiny sip and looks disgusted)

IAN

I take it you don't often drink red.

APRIL

Not this kind. (Beat) So do you often come here?

IAN

(Sniggers)

Isn't that what I'm supposed to say to you?

APRIL

(Blunt)

Just answer the question.

IAN

Owwwww. Feisty, I like that. And no, I don't. What about you?

APRIL

I live upstairs. Not in the pub, just in a flat above it, it's just around the corner.

IAN

Oh really. Is that an invitation?

APRIL

Yes it is.

(Stands)

C'mon, let's go.

IAN

You don't have to tell me twice.

(Downs the rest of his pint and leaps to his feet)

CUT TO:

SCENE THREE.

INT. FLAT.

ELLIS a teenage vampire who looks like a chav is sat playing on a computer console, completely engrossed. APRIL walks in the front door with IAN and calls out to him from the hallway.

APRIL

ELLIS! I got take away!

IAN

Take away?

APRIL flicks the IAN supernaturally hard on the temple which knocks him unconscious. She drags him across the floor and makes her way into the living room where ELLIS is playing his game. She dumps his body down near him.

APRIL

Oh for Christ’s sake, you need to get off of that!

ELLIS

(Speaking with gaze fixed on television)

What else have I got to do!

APRIL

You'll make new friends. Stop being so dramatic!

ELLIS

I liked my old ones!

APRIL

They were just a bunch of Chavs!

ELIIS

Ah, is that why we moved here?

(Sarcastic)

To be amongst these sophisticated individuals.

(Beat)

We could have gone anywhere, why.....

APRIL

Stop winging! Do you think I like being reduced to living like a common squatter? In this s**t hole. No! We all have to make adjustments.

ELLIS

I was thinking, have you ever tried sun lotion, like factor 70. Perhaps....

APRIL

Tried it, doesn't work (ELLIS sighs). Do you want dinner or not?

ELLIS

Not right now! I'm trying to concentrate!

APRIL

Maybe later then? (No response) ELLIS you need to start eating properly.

ELIIS

Yeah OK! After I've completed this!

APRIL

(Rolls eyes. Beat)

Where's XZANDER?

ELLIS

(Shrugs his shoulders)

Said he was popping out.

APRIL

(Tuts)

Suppose I better save him some.

APRIL drags the body into the bathroom, she puts the plug in the bath and then throws the body into the tub. She pushes the man’s head to the side and is about to bite down on his neck when the sudden sound of the front door slamming stops her.

APRIL

Perfect timing.

XZANDER steps into the bathroom, APRIL looks up at him stunned. Astonished by his new appearance.

XZANDER

(Acting coy)

What?

APRIL

You're burnt. How did you get burnt? (Begins to panic) Oh my god have they....

XZANDER

Chill! I'm not burnt. I found a twenty four hour salon.

APRIL

(Beat. Bursts out laughing)

You got a FAKE tan!

ELLIS

(O.S)

I've got to see this!

XZANDER

What's the problem?

APRIL

You're lucky mum and dad are dust. They'd go bat s**t crazy! And I mean literally! What on earth possessed you....(Gasps, leaps up) You're possessed!

XZANDER

I'm not possessed!

ELLIS

(Enters and bursts into laugher at the sight of XZANDER)

WHAT THE.....

APRIL

why? Just, WHY?

XZANDER

TO BLEND IN!

APRIL

Honestly, if you could see yourself....

XZANDER

I look fine! I've actually had several compliments in fact.

ELLIS

Were they under your spell?

XZANDER

Oh get back to your game!

ELLIS

(Sniggers)

Don't worry, you look, (Puts on a cliché Essex accent) Fang-tastic darling. (Laughs)

XZANDER

Ha! At least you once had the chance to be blessed by natural light. This is the closest I'm ever going to get.

ELLIS

Blessed by natural light? I was pasty way before I was a vampire. The sun never did my skin any favours. It's always burnt me. No difference really. Just miss being able to play a proper game of footie.

APRIL

We live in England, I don't think any of us REALLY need to fear the sun.

(Gesturing to the body)

Dinner?

XZANDER

I've eaten.

APRIL

It's handy living above a pub.

XZANDER

I'd prefer an Indian. Always found Asian blood sweeter.

ELLIS

You say we're supposed to be in hiding, yet there you two are going around killing people like it was nothing. Talk about raising suspicion.

XZANDER

I always cover my tracks.

APRIL

ELLIS, we've been doing this for centuries, and anyway, he's not dead.

ELLIS

You know some vampires get by on cows, chickens, pigs....

APRIL

Oh no I couldn’t do that, I'm a vegetarian.

ELLIS

Well at least don't kill innocent people.

APRIL

Oh this man is NOT innocent. A sexist pig if I ever met one. And I made sure he had no ties to anyone else.

XZANDER

Yeah and believe me, the worlds not going to miss the two idiots I met tonight. In fact, to be honest, I feel disgusted with myself that I even stooped that low.

APRIL

Yet you have no regrets about the tan?

ELLIS

There must be some sort of AA for vampires.

XZANDER

Maybe you should look into it.

APRIL

Maybe you could set one up.

XZANDER

Discreetly of course. We don't want anyone knowing.

ELLIS

(Sarcastic)

Yeah great idea, nothing attracts more attention than not wanting to attract attention.

APRIL

Be a good way to meet other vampires and make new friends, friends that are of your own kind.

ELLIS

You forget I used to be human.

XZANDER

Key word, USED.

(Exits)

APRIL

Awwww ELLIS.

(Gives ELLIS a loving hug)

Don't worry, you'll find your way.

IAN begins to awake.

ELLIS

Um, April....

IAN

(Startled by his sudden surroundings)

What the......Hold on......I didn't agree to this.

(Beat)

I only do threesomes with two girls.

APRIL

(To ELLIS)

See, sexist pig.

ELLIS

I know, why don't you just drain some of his blood and I'll wipe his memory, just like you showed me.

IAN

Drain my blood!

APRIL

I don't know.

ELLIS

C'mon, I could use the practice.

IAN

(Taking out his phone)

I'm calling the old bill.

APRIL

Alright.

APRIL moves like lighting, she knocks the phone out of the IAN's hand and drains some of his blood, leaving him in a daze.

APRIL

(To ELLIS)

OK, now remember, just like I showed you.

ELLIS

Yeah, yeah.

(Moves in close to IAN and looks him directly in the eyes, ELLIS'S eyes change colour)

Yo. Hear me now.

APRIL

Not like that!

ELLIS

(Laughs)

Just joking.

APRIL

Take this seriously!

ELLIS

OK.

(Beat. Changes tone)

Listen up, you are under my control, you will do exactly as I say, you will obey my every command, now nod if you understand?

(IAN nods, ELLIS turns to APRIL)

See, I got this.

(He turns back to IAN)

You will forget you ever saw us, you will forget all that happened tonight (APRIL smiles and exits), you will wake up in the morning and.....(Sees that APRIL has left, he coyly closes the bathroom door and returns to IAN, whispering with a different intonation)

There's a game coming out this Friday for the DreamCatcher, it's called, Burning Rubber: Ultimate Destruction, limited edition, what's it called?

IAN

(In a hypnotic trance)

Burning Rubber: Ultimate Destruction. Limited edition.

ELLIS

Good. And what console is it on?

IAN

The DreamCatcher.

ELLIS

That's it. Now it's being released at midnight on Friday. When is it being released?

IAN

Midnight, Friday.

ELLIS

OK. You're going to go down to Game Zone on Friday at four o'clock daytime and you're going to wait until midnight, there's gonna be a big queue, so you MUST get down there at four o'clock, they've only got so many copies of the limited edition and everyone wants this game, so, actually, better make it three, you're going to get there for three o'clock, you better take a lunch box or something. So what time are you getting down there?

IAN

Three o'clock.

ELLIS

(Nods)

Good. So you're going to buy the game at midnight and you're going to bring it straight back here. Immediately. As soon as you get it. Don't you dare return without it. You HAVE to get that game. Getting that game is your number one responsibility, that's all you care about. Lets make it two o'clock to be on the safe side. Don't drink anything the night before, you can't afford to go to the toilet.

CUT TO-

SCENE FOUR.

INT. TANNING SALON. EARLY HOURS OF THE MORNING.

The police and coroners have arrived at the scene of the crime, investigating the murder of the two salon employee's. There's also an ambulance and fire truck outside. An officer is questioning a CLIENT (Who's face is bright orange) while the coroners and another officer are investigating the surrounding area where the bodies were found. The two bodies of the employee's have been found under two UV ray beds, it looks like they've been left under to burn, as XZANDER has tired to cover his tracks. The room itself is slightly singed and blackened from smoke fumes coming off the burnt bodies which are almost charcoal.

P.C JOHNSON

So you arrived about half eleven?

CLIENT

That's correct.

P.C JOHNSON

No one was at the counter so you called out but didn't get a response.

CLIENT

Yeah.

P.C JOHNSON

That's when you made your way round to the back and found the bodies.

CLIENT

That's right.

P.C JOHNSON

And you didn't touch or move anything?

CLIENT

No of course not, I'm not stupid, TV taught me never to do that.

P.C JOHNSON

Why didn't you just leave if you thought no one was here?

CLIENT

Well I know them personally, and I know that sometimes if they're not busy they'll go top themselves up. And I could smell smoke, so I was worried.

P.C JOHNSON

So you're a regular here then?

PC DANIELS

(Over hearing the conversation from a distance, makes a sly remark to the coroners)

Can't he tell. State of that face.

(They laugh)

CORONER#1

(Looking down at one of the bodies)

I know SOME people are willing to go to extreme lengths

(Glancing over at the CLIENT in jest, then looking back down at the body), but THIS takes the biscuit.

CORONER#2

(Sniggers, referring to the bodies)

These biscuits have been well and truly dunked.

PC DANIELS

The local press are going to eat this one up. I can see the headlines, 'dying for a tan'.

CORONER#2

Unless they were both drugged up on Ketamin at the time, they would have jumped out.

CORONER#1

Doesn't take a genius to work out this wasn't the immediate cause of death.

PC DANIELS

Mmmm.

CORONER#2

Hopefully we'll be able to find something in amongst this mess.

CUT TO-

EXT. COUNTRY MOTORWAY. MORNING.

A caravan is driving down a country lane approaching the 'Welcome to Essex' sign.

CUT TO-

INT. CARAVAN.

A teenage girl (roughly the same age as ELLIS) is sat on the sofa reading a women's health magazine, an older woman (her mother) is sat beside her looking out the window in thought. A man (her father) is driving the caravan. They all speak with an Irish accent.

ROCHELLE

(Looking at glamorous pictures of women)

Wow. Just look at her skin.

MARIE

Don't start dis crap again. You know dose photos are edited. She probably looks like a troll in real life.

ROCHELLE

Are dere trolls as well?

MARIE

Not dat I've seen.

ROCHELLE

So how would you know what one looks like?

(MARIE gives her a dismissive look)

I'd rather be a troll if dey look like that.

(ROCHELLE turns a page in the magazine and a wax strip sample falls out. She laughs and holds it up to show her mum and dad)

Check it out. Think we're going to need a lot more of these. Want me to save it for yer dad?

MARIE

You leave yer father alone when he's driving.

Suddenly the caravan comes to an abrupt stop, shaking ROCHELLE and MARIE.

MARIE

Great! Now you've pissed him off!

ROCHELLE

It were only a joke!

MARIE

Well it weren't funny!

(To her husband)

Take no notice.

The man stands up and storms out of the caravan, taken by a smell.

ROCHELLE

Dad!

MARIE

(Going to follow)

Throw dat bloody thing in da bin! You should be proud to be part of dis family!

ROCHELLE

I didn't say I wasn't!

MARIE

Den stop with all da silly remarks!

(Exits)

ROCHELLE

Jesus!

(Huffs in anger, looks down at part of the wax strip packaging which reads, 'for those who are sensitive', sniggers)

Well obviously not.

CUT TO-

EXT. COUNTRY MOTORWAY.

The man steps out of the caravan sniffing the air, he follows his nose back to the welcome to Essex sign which they have passed by a few meters. He comes across the bloody hand print, he wets his finger and dips it in the blood, he tastes it and follows the sent to the ground beneath it, he scratches and sniffs at the gravel, MARIE approaches from behind.

MARIE

Is it dem?

SHADRACK

No, but we're definitely on the right track. Looks like we'll be setting up camp sooner den we thought.

MARIE

Essex ay? What's so special about dis place?

SHADRACK

(With a smarmy smile)

Let's find out.

CUT TO-

SCENE FIVE.

INT. IANS FLAT. MIDDAY.

IAN is in his kitchen preparing what looks like a combination of lunch and dinner, he keeps a careful watch on the time, he packs the food into a novelty vampire lunch box. He goes to an airing cupboard and takes out a sleeping bag and other materials usually associated with camping.

CUT TO-

EXT. OUTSIDE FLAT ABOVE PUB.

An ESTATE AGENT is escorting a young couple to view the property that XZANDER, APRIL and ELLIS have illegally claimed as their own.

ESTATE AGENT

I know the area doesn't look like much, but...how many people can say they live above a pub?

FEMALE

(Looking up and noticing the boarded windows)

Will there be new windows put in?

ESTATE AGENT

Ay?

(She gestures and he looks up, he is taken back by the sight)

Oh. I'm not sure about that. Um. I'll make a phone call after.

CUT TO-

The ESTATE AGENT takes out a key and tries it in the door, but the key doesn't appear to be working. He awkwardly stands trying to turn it in the lock. With no luck.

ESTATE AGENT

That's weird, must be an old lock or something.

(Pause)

Come to think of it, I don’t see a for sale sign. (Beat) Sorry, let me just make a phone call.

(Takes out a mobile and distances himself from the couple)

FEMALE

To be honest, from what we've seen so far, I'm not too Keane.

MALE

Na. Me neither. Proper dump. It's almost inhumane.

CUT TO-

INT. FLAT.

Shots of XZANDER, APRIL and ELLIS all sleeping snugly like babies.

CUT TO-

INT. SHOPPING MALL ROMFORD. OUTSIDE GAMESTORE.

IAN arrives outside the games store and sets up camp alongside a much younger boy, who gives the STRANGER dirty looks. The two of them sit in uncomfortable silence, as an unspoken tension/rivalry begins to fill the air.

CUT TO-

INT. INSIDE GAMESTORE.

A CASHIER looks out the window and notices the two waiting, as a queue begins to slowly form.

CASHIER

(Turning to a colleague with shock and terror)

It's beginning.

CUT TO-

INT. SHOPPING MALL ROMFORD. OUTSIDE GAMESTORE.

Time is sped up, we see a montage of people joining the queue, as it gets longer and longer, as people bundle together as the day progresses and eventually turns to night.

CUT TO-

INT. FLAT.

XZANDER is pruning like a peacock, Essex style, getting ready to go out.

APRIL

So what are your plans for tonight?

XZANDER

Going out.

APRIL

Out where exactly?

XZANDER

April please, STOP trying to replace mother.

APRIL

I'm not! I'm just asking a simple question. That's all.

XZANDER

You don't have to worry, I'm over two hundred years old.

APRIL

It's not you I worry about.

(Gesturing to Ellis who is still playing games)

ELLIS

I'M FINE!

APRIL

You're turning into a zombie!

XZANDER

Why don't you take him to the pub with you?

APRIL

I don't see why I should have to baby sit all the time.

ELLIS

Shut up!

APRIL

(Whispering)

He needs a male role model.

XZANDER

OK. (Beat) ELLIS! Don't tell APRIL to shut up! (Beat) She doesn't listen.

(ELLIS laughs)

APRIL

You're both as bad as each other. Though at least HE has an excuse.

XZANDER

Yeah, yeah.

(Walking towards the front door)

Don't wait up for me.

APRIL

I know! Why don't we all go down the pub together?

Both XZANDER and ELLIS snigger.

XZANDER

Pubs are SO last century.

APRIL

And SO are you! I think you forget that sometimes. It's actually rather pathetic.

XZANDER

No what's pathetic is that you haven't had a good time since 1888.

(Walks out and slams the door shut)

APRIL

(Grunts in anger, turns her attention to ELLIS)

Set that contraption up in your room!

ELLIS

But this TV's HD.

APRIL

I don't care! I want to watch the great British bake off!

ELLIS

Why you wanna watch that s**t?

APRIL

It gets my appetite up. (Beat) That Sue Perkins looks delicious.

ELLIS

Then watch it in my room. What's the big deal?

APRIL

(Lets out another grunt)

This is worse than hell!

CUT TO-

SCENE SIX.

EXT. BRENTWOOD HIGH STREET. NIGHT.

Establishing shot of a bar, 'Sugar Hut'. People seem to be gathered in sheer excitement and anticipation for an event that is advertised on a poster. The event advertised is of a guest appearance of Joey Essex. XZANDER curiously looks on at the crazed mass of people from a far. He decides to take a closer look. He notices an attractive girl who appears to be waiting on her own in the queue, she is looking down at her phone trying to distract herself from the nuisance men around her, as a group of immature men make indirect remarks towards her from behind.

CUT TO-

INT. BAR.

An MC is addressing the rowdy crowd who are awaiting the appearance of Joey Essex.

MC

(Building to a climax)

He used to DJ for us, but now he's got better things to do. (Chuckles) Cheeky b*****d. He doesn't have to get a spray tan any more, he can afford a holiday! (Laughs) I don't really think he needs an introduction. We all know him. This is his home.

So without further ado, it's the baby face of TOWIE!(JOEY ESSEX steps out. Screams from the crowd)

JOEY

(Mic in hand, shouting over the screams and waving to the crowd)

Awight! How is everyone tonight!

MC

(Trying to silence the crowd)

Ladies, ladies, ladies, please, hold onto your eye brows! JESUS! (Laughs) I see all the women are loving it, and all the men absolutely hate it, look at all their jealous faces! Look at em!

Steaming! Well actually, there are a few blokes who are loving it as much as the girls, ay boys? (Laughs, gives a cheeky wink). To be honest, even I would! Look at THAT face! (Playfully strokes JOEY's face) I've known him for years ladies and gentlemen, and I swear, as I've got older, he's got younger, lucky b*****d!

JOEY

Just got to moisturise init.

Laughter from crowd.

CUT TO-

EXT. BRENTWOOD HIGH STREET. NIGHT.

XZANDER goes to walk past the queue of people and enter the bar but is stopped by a bouncer who abruptly grabs him by the back of the neck.

BOUNCER

Oi fella! Where'd you think you're going?

XZANDER

(Knocks his arm away and looks him dead in the eyes, uses hypnotism)

I'm going inside, and you're not going to stop me.

BOUNCER

(Stepping out the way)

In you go then.

XZANDER goes to enter, but then turns back around to give one last command to the bouncer, after re-spotting the woman who took his fancy, who is still waiting in the queue and being harassed by the group of boys.

XZANDER

Oh yeah, and she's coming with me.

(Pointing the girl out, who looks surprised and confused)

BOUNCER

Of course.

(Leading her away from the queue and the annoying men)

In you go love.

ROWDY LAD#1

Ay what's that? Special treatment coz she's got tits?

ROWDY LAD#2

(Laughs)

See you in there treacle!

(Flashing a condom)

I'll save one for ya!

(Mates laugh)

XZANDER

(To the bouncer, referring to the boys)

Don't forget, they're band, and the last time they were here, they called you an ugly fat infertile shiny bald headed son of a goat shagging banshee witch w***e gypsy.

BOUNCER

(Suddenly angry)

THEY WHAT!

XZANDER

Yeah, (Flippantly)

oh and said that you had a tiny microscopic c**k.

BOUNCER

RIGHT! THAT'S IT!

(Storming over to the group of boys in a furious rage)

The group of boys run like cowards as the BOUNCER chases after them.

XZANDER

(Gently takes the girl by the arm and leads her into the club)

Never mind them miss.

GIRL

(Still baffled)

You the owner or something?

XZANDER

(Sniggers)

Something.

CUT TO-

INT. BAR.

We focus in on the MC and JOEY putting on a show for the crowd. Everything said is in light humour.

MC

(Playful)

Right, so JOEY, lets be honest, you're not known for the size of your brain, more the size of your quiff. (Laughter) But I want to give you the chance to prove everyone wrong. I've got some questions...

JOEY

Ah na C'mon, don't do this to me!

MC

Their simple questions. Things we all learnt at school. C'mon JOEY.

Look at all these people who have come out to see you. Give us a cheer you lovely people! (Big cheer) Don't you want to make their night special? (Pause) C'mon JOEY. We all love ya!

JOEY

Oh awight! Go on then! Give me the questions!

(Big cheer)

MC

WHEY! THAT'S MY BOY!

(Takes out some cue cards)

OK. First question. How many months in a year?

JOEY

(Thinking out loud)

Um....there's, summer, winter, spring, um....what's that other one? (Pause) Four! There's four!

Laughter. Buzzer sound to signal an incorrect answer.

MC

Owww unlucky! Second question, complete this nursery rhyme, hey diddle, diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish.....what did the dish do?

JOEY

Um....WHAT? How am I supposed to know that!

MC

You've never heard it before?

JOEY

NO! What the hell's that! A rap?

MC

(Laughs)

It's a nursery rhyme! Take a guess. what did the dish do?

JOEY

(Shrugs)

Take a bath in some fairy liquid.

Laughter. Buzzer sound to signal an incorrect answer.

MC

Oh dear, oh dear. Taking into consideration that answer, I'm not entirely sure you're going to get this next one, but here we go, what's the square rote of pie?

(Laughter)

JOEY

Um.....the square rote of pie? (Pause) Is the square root the thing in the middle? Like the mince meat?

Huge laughter. Buzzer sound to signal an incorrect answer.

MC

Don't worry, if you had both brains and beauty I'd be truly worried. One's enough.

The focus switches to XZANDER watching on in disbelief.

XZANDER

(To the girl)

Who on earth is this half wit?

GIRL

(Laughs and gives him a playful push)

AS IF you don't know

XZANDER

Mmmm....he's clearly using stupidity to mask a greater identity.

CUT TO-

INT. BAR. MALE TOILETS.

JOEY is at a urinal trying to go to the toilet but is finding it difficult as a drunk man is trying to have a conversation with him.

DRUNK

I've read your book.

JOEY

Yeah?

DRUNK

Yeah, a lot better than that Harry Potter S**T!

(Chuckles)

JOEY

Cheers mate.

DRUNK

It certainly made me laugh more. Did you really write it yourself?

JOEY

Yeah.

DRUNK

Really? Coz there were no spelling mistakes.

(Laughs to himself)

JOEY

Mate no offence, but I'm just trying to...

XZANDER

(Enters and locks eyes with the drunk)

Go away.

(The drunk exits, XZANDER takes a step back and allows JOEY to finish in peace. JOEY then moves to the sink to wash his hands)

JOEY

(To XZANDER)

Thanks for that. I can't even take a piss in peace these days.

XZANDER

(Waits for JOEY to finish washing his hands and then moves in, locking his gaze, hypnotising)

Is JOEY ESSEX your real name?

JOEY

(Under the trance)

No.

XZANDER

What IS your real name?

JOEY

Monty Donald, the third. Pleased to make your acquaintance.

XZANDER

Are you REALLY THAT stupid Monty?

JOEY

(Shakes his head)

It's a mere ploy.

XZANDER

I thought as much. So what's the square root of pie?

JOEY

Oh that's simple. The square root of pie is (takes in a large breath), 1.772453850905516027298167483341 (exhales). Next question good sir.

XZANDER

Mmmm. Quite impressive. Why are you pretending to be dumb?

JOEY

Because it's how humanity has managed to survive so blissfully for so long.

XZANDER

What are you exactly?

JOEY

Immortal. Hence why I have to conceal the vast knowledge I have accumulated of the world over the hundreds of years I have walked upon it.

XZANDER

But you're not a vampire or a werewolf or a wizard?

JOEY

No. Though there was some magic involved. You must have heard the tale of Dorian Gray.

XZANDER

Ahhh, so you affixed your soul to a painting?

JOEY

Something like that. I painted myself in the image I would hold for eternity. Technically, I was the first person ever to take a

selfie.

XZANDER

What's a 'Selfie'?

JOEY

(Laughs)

Now that IS a stupid question.

CUT TO-

SCENE SEVEN.

INT. PUB.

APRIL is sat at the bar alone looking slightly lost. SID, one of the pub landlords (aged 50+), engages her in conversation.

SID

Sorry love, but if you're going to sit there you need to buy a drink, or at least a packet of pork scratchings.

APRIL

(Looks at SID disgusted, mutters)

Vile creatures.

SID

What's that?

APRIL

Pigs. Filthy animals.

SID

I don't know. I think you have to admire anyone who's comfortable rolling around in their own s**t.(Chuckles)

APRIL

I've got someone like that at home.

SID

(Laughs)

Where is your fella tonight then?

APRIL

I don't have a 'fella'.

SID

I could have swore I saw you in here last night with someone.

APRIL

Oh he was just an acquaintance.

SID

Ah, I see. I guess a girl like you's not used to buying their own drink.

APRIL

A girl like me?

SID

Young, attractive....

APRIL

Sounds like YOU want to buy me a drink.

SID

Oh hell no. My misses would rip my balls off and shove them down my throat.

APRIL

Sounds like me and your 'misses' would get on.

SID

(Laughs)

Now I'm wondering what happened to that 'acquaintance' of yours.

APRIL

Don't worry, I only drained his blood.

SID

(Sniggers)

Well at least you have a sense of humour. Unlike some folk in here.

(Beat)

So what brings you here tonight?

APRIL

Just wanted a little peace and quiet.

SID

Think you may have come to the wrong place.

APRIL

(Sighs)

Yeah I'm thinking that.

SID

Buy a drink and I'll leave you in peace.

APRIL

It's not you who's bothering me.

SID

What's troubling you then? If it's not too personal and that.

APRIL

I just feel......I don't know what I feel any more. I think that's the problem.

SID

So you thought coming to a dingy pub full of old drunks alone would solve your problems?

APRIL

I didn't know where else to go. (Beat) I'm tired of wandering.

SID

Maybe the problem is, you don't know what you're looking for. Sorry to go all U2 on you.

APRIL

Who?

SID

U2.

APRIL

What's that?

SID

You don't know U2?

(APRIL shakes head)

Where have you been living all these years, a cave?

APRIL

For the most part. Still a sight better than the dump I'm living in at the moment.

SID

(Sniggers)

That's why you've got to admire pigs. They're happy despite everything.

APRIL

Until someone comes along and turns them into bacon.

SID

That's life though isn't it. We're all here to serve someone else. Just like I'm trying to serve you now.

APRIL

I don't think you have what I like on tap.

SID

Try me.

APRIL

(Sniggers)

Please don't tempt me.

SID

Ay?

APRIL

Never mind.

(Stands up)

It was nice talking to you...

SID

Look, sit back down if you want, I'll get you a lime and soda, on the house, but don't tell the misses, I was serious about her ripping my balls off.

APRIL

Why are you being so nice?

SID

Because we've all been there at some point. Feeling lost, fed up. Sometimes all we need is a friendly chat. And a lime and soda. (Gives APRIL a wink, she almost cracks a smile)

CUT TO-

SCENE EIGHT.

INT. FLAT.

ELLIS is sat watching the clock as the time draws close to twelve.

CUT TO-

INT. SHOPPING MALL ROMFORD. OUTSIDE GAMESTORE.

The crowd outside is becoming furious. They all want a copy of the game and are tired of waiting.

CUT TO-

INT. INSIDE GAMESTORE.

The CASHIER stands with a frightened expression as he looks on at the crowd. The MANAGER walks over.

MANAGER

I've got some real bad news. I just got off the phone to the distributors, there's been a big accident on the motorway, they're going to have to push delivery back to tomorrow morning.

CASHIER

No way, those lot are going to go mental, we're going to have a riot on our hands.

MANAGER

Well I've already called security just encase.

CASHIER

What are you going to tell them?

MANAGER

YOUR going to tell them the truth.

CASHIER

(Panics)

ME! No way! I'll be ripped to shreds! They look blood thirsty!

MANAGER

Relax! You'll be fine. Just apologies and give them each one of these tickets. That way whoever has one of these tickets is guaranteed a game. Make that part clear. OK? Assure them that they will get a game. OK?

CASHIER

But.....

MANAGER

(Pushing them to the door)

And speak in a low soft soothing gentle tone, don't do anything to aggravate them.

CASHIER

But.....

MANAGER

I'll make sure you get employee of the month.

CASHIER

That's if I survive!

The MANAGER forces the CASHIER out of the door and then quickly drops the shop shutters, barricading himself within the safety of the shop. Locking the terrified CASHIER out with the horde of gamers.

CUT TO-

INT. SHOPPING MALL ROMFORD. OUTSIDE GAMESTORE.

CASHIER

(Petrified, tries to gain the crowds attention with a quiet mousey tone)

Um, hi everyone, I've um....unfortunately.....

IAN

Give me the game! I need the game!

CASHIER

(Lets out a small scream)

Sorry they're not here.

IAN

They're not here! What do you mean!

Word quickly spreads down the disorderly cue which immediately descends into chaos. As there's lots of rambling and shouting.

CASHIER

They're coming tomorrow, first thing tomorrow morning. Take one of those tickets.

IAN

I need it now!

CASHIER

I'm sorry! I can't give it to you now!

IAN

I cannot leave this spot without it!

CASHIER

I'm sorry! I wish there was something I could do!

IAN

Get me a bucket!

CASHIER

A bucket?

IAN

(Clearly in desperate need of the toilet)

Quickly!!!!

CUT TO-

INT. FLAT.

ELLIS is still watching the clock, growing ever more impatient as he rapidly taps his foot in anticipation for his package to arrive. It's twenty five past twelve.

CUT TO-

INT. PUB.

APRIL is sat with SID and his wife GENET. They are deep in conversation, it appears the pub is almost deserted, with the odd drunk crashed out on the table.

GENET

Has he already told you how we met?

APRIL

No.

SID

(Rolls eyes)

C'mon now, she's not interested in that.

GENET

He always gets embarrassed when I tell this story.

SID

Because you always tell it wrong.

GENET

We met in a pub ironically. I was sitting at one end of the bar, he was sitting at the other. To be honest I thought his mates were better looking.

SID

Oi!

GENET

But there was one thing that interested me about him, he weren't staring over like the rest of his mates. All gormless and doe eyed.

SID

My mates were not perving over you.

GENET

They were! Couldn't keep their eyes off me.

(APRIL laughs)

Honest they couldn't.

SID

They were watching the fruit machine behind you, to see when it was paying out.

GENET

No they weren't!

SID

They was woman!

GENET

Don't you woman me!

APRIL

Hold on, (To SID) you must have been staring over as well, to know that she was stood in front of a fruit machine.

GENET

Oh so you did have a cheeky look.

SID

I just glanced over, at the fruit machine.

GENET

Anyway, as the nights getting on, I notice his mates are moving closer and closer.

SID

Because the bar was getting more packed.

GENET

Still giving me the eye.

SID

Waiting to jump on the fruit machine at the right time.

GENET

All except SID here, who was sat on his own in the corner.

SID

I'd had a few too many.

GENET

I thought, is he alright over there? So I decided to check on the way to the bathroom, I needed a wee anyway. So I made my way past and he was just staring into his pint, well, trying to appear as if he weren't interested or looking. You know, playing it all cool.

SID

I WAS staring into my pint. I remember the foam had taken the shape of a pound sign. (Sniggers) Thought it was a sign from god that I should open my own pub.

GENET

Stop trying to change the subject. So I walk past, give him a little look, still nothing special about him, and carry on to the toilet. I come out of the toilet and he's getting up, making his way back to the bar. But as he does he pretends to trip over and falls down on one knee, right in front of me.

SID

I did trip over. There was a bump in the carpet where they hadn't laid it properly.

GENET

So I looked down at him on one knee and said, “Usually you buy a girl a drink before you propose”. (Laughs)

SID

No you didn't, you said, you look pissed.

GENET

Well you were, so that's why you don't remember what I said. But then we got talking. And I thought, actually, he aint bad. Plus I thought, that was a bold move.

SID

It was purely an accident.

GENET

Oh bullocks it was! You thought, I can't let her walk by twice.

APRIL

(Laughs)

And that's the story?

GENET

Yep, the rest is history.

APRIL

Well....that is....interesting.

GENET

I know it's not the most romantic story, It definitely wasn't love at first sight. But, it's what brought us together. And that's all that matters.

SID

(Sighs)

My mates won two hundred pound that night on that fruit machine.

GENET

(Slaps SID hard on the leg)

Shut up about that pissing fruit machine! (Beat) You see life's not a fairy tale, full of magic and wonder, it is what it is.

SID

It is indeed.

GENET

What about you APRIL? Any men in your life?

APRIL

Two. Both pains in my a*s.

GENET

Two on the go ay, you saucy minx.

APRIL

No one's my brother and the others....adopted.

GENET

Oh right.

APRIL

Although I feel like their both my children.

GENET

We know the burdens of children. We have two ourselves.

SID

Their hard work.

APRIL

I feel like I need to be the responsible one, coz I'm the eldest.

SID

So it's just you three?

APRIL

Yeah. There were more of us but....things happened. We had to move, leave our home and parents behind. And now I feel as if I can't afford to let my hair down, go mad like I used to, because, well, someone’s got to hold it together.

SID

Hey, you're only human, like the rest of us, no need to carry that burden alone.

APRIL

I know, I just, I wasn't ready for all this. I've been alive many years, and yet still, I don't feel prepared, I don't feel I've lived enough, learnt enough. Just, existed.

SID

Then start living.

GENET

We need to find you a man, a real man.

APRIL

I have a certain type, and there aren’t many of that type remaining.

GENET

Then you need to stop being so picky. Take a leaf out of my book.

SID

Oi! That's enough of that!

GENET

If you need to get out of the house more, there's a day job opened up. We need someone to change the barrels and keep check on stock. I know it can be a nightmare trying to find a job in a new area.

APRIL

Um, I've got other commitments at the moment.

GENET

OK, well if you change your mind.

SID

Speaking of work, (Looks at the clock)

think we better close up, we're way past our license.

GENET

S**t is that the time. Sorry April, we're going to have to chuck you out.

APRIL

That's fine, I should have been back ages ago anyway.

(Mutters)

Hope ELLIS is OK.

SID

But don't be a stranger now.

APRIL

I won't. Thank you both.

GENET

(Smiles)

Not a problem. Night love.

APRIL

Night GENET.

GENET

(Beat) You better get rid of those drunks SID.

SID

They'd be more scared of you.

GENET

What are you trying to say?

APRIL laughs and exits.

CUT TO-

SCENE NINE.

INT. FLAT.

APRIL returns home, but there is no sight of ELLIS. APRIL looks worried. The door slams, she looks relieved.

APRIL

I was worried for a second.

XZANDER enters to APRILS surprise.

XZANDER

Why?

APRIL

You're back early.

XZANDER

Yeah I got bored. Although there was this one interesting man from the television. Immortal like us, but not a vampire.

APRIL

Really? What was his name?

XZANDER

Monty something, but he goes by the alias of Joey Essex.

APRIL

I've heard of him. He's quite famous around these parts. (Beat) So if there are people like him living here, then there may be more of our kind.

XZANDER

Perhaps. Though we cant afford to expose ourselves, encase there are any werewolf’s.

APRIL

ELLIS isn't home.

XZANDER

He has to learn to look out for himself APRIL, I appreciate your care and concern, though he'll never grow into his fangs unless he learns to use them.

APRIL

I just don't want him making any careless mistakes.

XZANDER

I'm sure he understands the gravity of the situation.

APRIL

Let's hope.

XZANDER

So who did you feed on tonight?

APRIL

I haven't yet.

XZANDER

You must be starving!

APRIL

I'm OK. (Pause) I actually met a charming couple in the pub.

XZANDER

Oh really? Obviously not charming enough.

APRIL

It kind of made me think of what ELLIS said earlier, about forgetting what it's like to be human.

XZANDER

APRIL, WE are NOT human. We will NEVER be human. We were born vampire, we will always be vampire.

APRIL

That's rich coming from you! Mr. tan! Desperately trying to fit in!

XZANDER

I'm trying to BLEND in, there's a difference!

APRIL

Really?

XZANDER

Yes! It makes it easier to feed.

APRIL

I don't believe that's all you care about. I don't. I think you like to act tough, but really, you're just as scared and lonely as the rest of us. Which is why you're back so early, you're bored of this life, not life, existence! Living like a cockroach, hiding in the dark, scared that people will see you for what you really are! And the only human connections we have is when we glamour people, trick them into being our friends, lovers, whatever we need them to be, but once that spells worn off, you see that look of horror in their eyes, and you pretend it doesn't bother you, you pretend it's just another part of our life, our existence, that this is the burden of being a vampire and that there's no other way. But there is! I saw that tonight! For the first time in ages, I made a real connection. I'm sorry if your incapable of doing that.

XZANDER

You can believe what you want! The fact is, we'll never be one of them, never! No matter how hard we try! We're cursed by the sun! How can we ever lead normal life’s? We've got no choice but to hide in the shadows.

APRIL

Even those who can walk in the sun choose to hide in the shadows. We can either become the darkness or escape it. This can be a fresh start for us.

CUT TO-

EXT. OPEN STREET.

ELLIS is wandering the streets of Romford, he kicks rubbish out of his way in frustration and mumbles to himself, aggravated by not receiving the game.

ELLIS

I knew it wouldn't work, what's the point. Got all these new powers and don't even know how to use them properly.

As he strolls along he comes across a group of boys (16+) graffitting. He watches them from a distance as they laugh and joke with one another, looking happy, ELLIS sighs as he is reminded of the friends he left behind. He decides to move closer, wanting to engage with them.

CREW #1

I'm gonna draw a picture of your mothers dick.

CREW #2

My mum don't have a dick.

CREW #1

How would you know? Have you looked!

(Laughs)

CREW #3

(Noticing ELLIS moving closer)

Yo boys, we got company?

CREW #1

(Turning round to look)

Who's that?

CREW #2

No one I know.

CREW #3

Me neither.

CREW #2

Careful init.

CREW #1

Don't worry, I'm ready if he tries anything.

CREW #2

(Worried)

What do you mean?

The boys stand alert as ELLIS approaches, anticipating a fight, they tense up and puff their chests out, trying their hardest to look hard.

ELLIS

Hi.

In hearing ELLIS's soft tone and pleasant manner they immediately deflate and relax.

CREW #1

(Laughs)

Hi? Is that it?

ELLIS

Just wanted to see what you were graphing.

CREW #3

Why? You part of neighbourhood watch or something?

(Laughs)

ELLIS

No, I used to graph a lot myself.

CREW #2

Oh yeah, where you from?

ELLIS

Just round here.

CREW #1

How comes we aint ever seen your face?

ELLIS

(Hesitates)

Coz, I like to keep it hidden.

CREW #3

Owwwwww, he's a bad man!

CREW #2

You a bad man?

ELLIS

(Casually shrugs trying to play it cool)

I've done some stuff.

CREW #1

Like what?

ELLIS

Can't say.

CREW #1

You aint done s**t.

(CREW #2 nudges him as if to say, 'shut up')

CREW #3

What you doing rolling around on your ones?

ELLIS

Just fancied a stroll.

CREW #1

So you're not worried about running into anyone?

ELIIS

Naaa.

CREW #1

What if they had a knife?

ELLIS

Knifes don't bother me init.

CREW #1

Oh really? What about this....

(Goes to pull a knife out of his pocket and accidentally cuts his hand on it)

Ah s**t!

CREW #3

Woe! Bradley, what the hell man!

(To ELLIS)

Don't worry about him bruv, he's just playing.

As CREW #1's hand pores of blood ELLIS starts to salivate uncontrollably, feeling the urge to quench his thirst.

CREW #2

Are you mad! Put that away!

CREW #1

S**t, I'm bleeding real bad.

CREW #2

That's what you get for being a donut!

CREW #1

(Begins to panic)

Ah! I better not have to have stitches! I don't want stitches!

CREW #3

(Laughs)

You p***y!

Suddenly ELLIS leaps forward, not able to control himself any longer, he grabs CREW #1'S hand and begins to lick the blood off. The boys freak out.

CREW #1

What you doing! Get off!

CREW #2

He's a psycho!

CREW #1 stabs ELLIS in the stomach with the knife, he stumbles back slightly and looks down at it.

CREW #3

Oh s**t!

The boys stand frozen, not knowing what to do next. ELLIS slowly pulls the knife out of him and throws it to the side, he then looks back up at the boys who are frozen with terror, a smirk falls across his face.

ELLIS

Told you knifes don't bother me.

The boys let out a scream, ELLIS jolts forward and pins CREW #1 to the wall by the throat, the others run in a panic. ELLIS pulls the boys head to the side and is about to take a bit when suddenly he hears a voice.

ELDERLY VOICE

(O.S)

What's going on here!

ELLIS sharply turns his head to see an elderly woman (70+) hunched over holding a zimmer frame. She looks innocent and frail. Both boys look surprised.

DORIS

I think it's past your bed time.

In the moment of distraction CREW #1 manages to wriggle free and runs off, while ELLIS is still stood stunned.

ELLIS

What do you want!

DORIS

A thank you would be nice.

ELLIS

For what!

DORIS

Saving you.

ELLIS

Saving me? I had him pined against a wall!

DORIS

I meant from yourself.

ELLIS

What!

DORIS shows ELLIS her set of fangs, he looks even more surprised.

DORIS

What's wrong? Too old to join the gang?

(Chuckles, stands up straight and pushes the zimmer frame to the side)

CUT TO-

SCENE TEN.

EXT. EMPTY PARK PLAYGROUND.

DORIS is sat with ELLIS on the swings as they rock back and fourth in the middle of conversation.

ELLIS

So the defenceless old lady with the zimmer frames just an act?

DORIS

Partly. I am old, just not defenceless.

(Chuckles)

ELLIS

How did you know I was a...you know.

DORIS

(Laughs)

People used to be scared to admit they were gay, now their afraid to admit they're a vampire. How times have changed. (Beat) I could sense you. All that bottled up anger, and thirst.

ELLIS

(Beat)

I wouldn't have killed him.

DORIS

Sometimes it's hard to control the cravings. It's just like being an alcoholic I suppose.

ELLIS

My old man was an alcoholic. (Sniggers) I used to think he was weak. But now I know just how hard it is.

DORIS

Except there's no AA for us.

ELLIS

That's exactly what I was saying the other day. I live with two other vampires. Their, not so worried about their daily, nightly intake. But then again, they were born vampires so, I guess it's harder for them. Old habits and what not. (Beat) What about you? Were you born or turned?

DORIS

Well, my stories a little more complicated. I was born a human, reached the age of 70, and then I began to lose my memory, Alzheimers, forgot who I was, who I loved, I completely lost my identity. My husband at the time was desperate to find a way to cure me, tried many different treatments, of course none of them were effective, until one day he stumbled upon this doctor, from another country, claimed to have found a miraculous cure for any disease, he was a vampire. He turned me, and my husband hoped that would bring me back to life, I mean, my old life. And although it restored my health and gave me the gift of immortality, it didn't however restore the memories of my past life. I awoke from what felt like a comer and my husband still appeared as if a stranger to me, as did I. So I guess you could say I was born a vampire, as I have no recollection of my past life, apart from photos and documents of course. Imagine that, being born at age 70. Not even learning to walk, hop, jump or skip. All that joy was taken away from me.

ELLIS

What happened to your husband?

DORIS

(Pause)

He died shortly after.

ELLIS

Why didn't you turn him?

DORIS

Because that would have been the worse possible torture. To live an eternity, waiting for your past love to return. He already waited long enough. (Pause) So I decided to end his misery.

ELLIS

You killed him?

DORIS

I couldn't control the thirst back then.

(Pause)

I still have all the photos. I keep them as a reminder, of what could be, of what I was. It helps me to detach myself from what I am now. (Pause)

What about your father, family, are they still alive?

ELLIS

(Nods)

But I'm afraid to go back.

(Pause)

I already caused them enough pain.

DORIS

Why'd you say that?

ELLIS

I was always in and out of trouble. Mum said I'm the one who drove dad to drink.

DORIS

We're responsible for our own actions, no one else’s.

Remember that. (Beat) I could have hunted that doctor down and tore him to pieces, blamed him for what I did, but, the way I look at it, he gave me a second chance, I'm the one that fucked it up. (ELLIS laughs at hearing her swear) What? (He shakes his head) That's the way you've got to see it. If you were trouble in your past life, then, now's your time to change. Don't go looking for that trouble again just because it reminds you of what once was. You don't want to hang around with idiots like those boys back there.

ELLIS

I know. (Beat) Funny thing is, the only thing that remotely makes me feel alive any more is computer games. (Beat) Although I know that's just me trying to escape reality again, which is all I used to do anyway.

DORIS

Well as I said. It's never too late to change. If a 70 year old vampire can learn to be human again, I'm sure you can. And I'm sure your friends can too.

ELIIS

Hopefully. (Beat) Why were you hanging around back there?

DORIS

Oh I was just coming back from Bingo.

ELLIS

Bingo?

DORIS

Yes, I'm told that's what women my age do.

(They both laugh)

ELLIS

I didn't know they stayed open that late.

DORIS

Well this is special bingo, for people like me.

ELLIS

Vampires?

DORIS

Yes, I suppose it's our version of AA. (Beat) You're always welcome to come. Though I'm not sure it would be your 'scene'.

ELLIS

(Laughs)

And there we were thinking we were the only vampires in town.

DORIS

Sun will be up soon. We better head off.

(Stands up)

ELLIS

It's ELLIS by the way.

DORIS

Doris. (With a smile) Pleased to make your acquaintance.

(She grabs her zimmer frame)

Better practice my walk again.

(She hunches over and pretends to stagger, ELLIS follows behind laughing)

CUT TO-

INT. FLAT.

APRIL is laying awake like a worried mother, awaiting ELLIS's return. She hears the sound of the door open and shut, as ELLIS tries to tip toe in without disturbing anyone, she breathes a sigh of relief and shuts her eyes.

CUT TO-

SCENE ELEVEN.

INT. POLICE STATION. MORNING.

P.C DANIELS and P.C JOHNSON are taking a statement from CREW #1. CREW #1 is holding his hand in pain, it has been stitched.

CREW #1

Look I'm telling you the truth, I swear down. It was self defence.

P.C DANIELS

It's not every day someone gets attacked by a zombie.

CREW #1

He was clearly mental. You can ask any of the boys.

P.C JOHNSON

Well apparently you're the one who pulled the knife first.

CREW #1

Who said that!

P.C DANIELS

I guess the theories been proven wrong.

(CREW #1 look at him blankly)

About snitches getting stitches.

(He glances down at the boys hand with a smirk)

CREW #1

This is a joke to you lot init!

P.C JOHNSON

(Stern)

Not at all. We take any form of knife crime VERY serious.

P.C DANIELS

The main question is, what were you doing out that late? A 17 year old kid.

CREW #1

HE attacked ME! You should be out there trying to find HIM!

P.C JOHNSON

Don't worry, they'll be a thorough investigation into the matter.

CUT TO-

INT. POLICE STATION STAFF CANTEEN.

Both officers are sat having breakfast.

P.C DANIELS

Oh by the way, Debbie's having her leaving do this Saturday and she asked me to invite you.

P.C JOHNSON

I don't think she's ever said two words to me.

P.C DANIELS

It's a free bar.

P.C JOHNSON

I'll be there!

(Both laugh)

CORONER #1 walks over and sits down next to the officers.

CORONER #1

Morning chaps.

P.C DANIELS

How's it going?

CORONER #1

Not bad. Same old.

P.C JOHNSON

(To CORONER)

I'm surprised you keep your food down, the amount of s**t you see and do.

CORONER #1

There's nothing that gets my appetite up more than severing through the Thoracic cavity. (Sniggers) Though I try and avoid ketchup.

P.C DANIELS

(Laughs)

Jesus.

CORONER

Speaking of dissecting, remember those two hot potatoes?

P.C DANIELS

(Smirks)

The ones without the skin?

CORONER

(Laughs)

Well, guess what, they were dead before they laid down on those beds.

P.C JOHNSON

No surprise there.

CORONER

You say that but, it was rather strange, you see when a body burns the blood congeals and clots and does all sorts of fantastic things, usually what's left behind is a purple vile, however, both of those bodies had nothing of the sort inside, almost as if their bodies had been drained of their blood.

Both P.C's give each other a strange look.

P.C DANIELS

S**t. (Beat) Looks like we should stop looking for zombies and start looking for vampires.

All three laugh.

CUT TO-

SCENE TWELVE.

EXT. OPEN STREET. MIDDAY.

IAN is making his way to the vampires flat, with the game in his tight grip, he looks dishevelled as he stumbles along clearly exhausted and desperate to complete his mission.

CUT TO-

OUTSIDE FLAT.

IAN bangs on the door several times but there is no answer, as the vampires are deep in their slumber. He tries to post it through the letterbox but the game box is too big, he contemplates leaving it on the door step, he looks around him to make sure no one is watching, he places the game down and goes to walk away but is struck by para-noire, he returns and picks up the game getting into a fluster as to how he's going to deliver it (still in a state of hypnotism). He makes his way round to the front of the flat and looks up at the windows that have been boarded shut. He throws a couple of rocks up hoping to attract their attention but has no luck. He looks around and sees a bin that is tied to a gate with some string and a lose concrete slab, suddenly he is hit with an idea. He takes the string from the gate and ties the game to the concrete slab, he then steps back and throws the slab as hard and as high as he can. The slab crashes through the window boards, creating a large hole.

CUT TO-

INT. FLAT.

XZANDER who is asleep suddenly feels a burst of light on his face, he leaps up in a panic and bolts out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. This noise wakes the others.

APRIL

What on earth!

XZANDER

Stay back! They've found us!

APRIL

Already!

ELLIS

What's going on?

XZANDER

They're using the sun to burn us out. Get under the sheets! Quick!

APRIL notices something unusual as XZANDER is stood by the door, there's a beam of light poring through the door key hole onto his hand, which is causing him no pain.

APRIL

But XZANDER.....

XZANDER

Do as I say! Both of you!

APRIL

Just look!

(Gesturing for him to look down at his hand)

XZANDER looks down at his hand and notices the light on it, he immediately pulls it away, but then thinks.

APRIL

Did it not hurt?

XZANDER

(Places his hand over the light again with a squirm, but there is no pain)

I don't understand.

APRIL places her hand over the same light and immediately feels a singe, she quickly pulls it away.

APRIL

What the....ELLIS you try.

ELLIS

Sod that.

XZANDER

Come to think of it, I only felt the light on my face, it was warm, but it didn't burn.

ELLIS

Only one way to find out.

(Gesturing to the door)

XZANDER places his hand on the door handle. He takes in a deep breath, APRIL pulls ELLIS way out of the reach of the light. XZANDER clenches his face and tenses up before opening the door and standing in the path of the sun poring through the hole. He stands unburned by it. Both APRIL and ELLIS look on in amazement, XZANDER slowly opens his eyes to greet the sunshine with a big smile and look of astonishment.

XZANDER

Is this a dream? Or just daylight?

ELLIS

Definitely daylight. (Beat) Unless you can see Mila Kunis out there.

APRIL

I'm confused. How is that you can......

(Suddenly realises, as does XZANDER and ELLIS)

ALL

The tan!

XZANDER

It must be. I've never been able to stand the light before.

APRIL

It's somehow protecting you.

ELLIS

(Excited)

We can all get fake tans!

XZANDER

Woe wait a second, you both ridiculed me the other night.

APRIL

This could be our chance, our opportunity to start over. A new life. (Beat, gets excited) Imagine walking on the beach, with warm sand in between our toes. A proper Holiday!

ELLIS

(Mutters)

I won't have to rely on twats doing my shopping for me.

XZANDER

(Looking down)

Ah, so I take it this was meant for you?

(Picks up the rock with the game attached to it, APRIL gives ELLIS a dissatisfied look)

ELLIS

(Acts dumb)

No, don't know what that is. That's weird init.

(Quickly moves to another room)

APRIL

(With a big smile)

We'll wait till dusk and all take a trip down to that tanning salon.

XZANDER

Um, not sure it's still going to be open. (April's smile drops) But I'm sure there are plenty of other 24 hour tanning salons around, I mean, it is Essex after all, right?

CUT TO-

INT. CARAVAN. EVENING.

MARIE is chopping some vegetables preparing dinner, she has the radio on beside her. ROCHELLE is sat listening to her Ipod while she doodles on a piece of scrap paper. SHADRACK enters holding up two dead rabbits, he looks dirtied.

SHADRACK

Yer can chuck these in da stew.

ROCHELLE

(Looks disgusted, takes out headphones)

Not again!

SHADRACK

Quit yer complaining gal. There are na deer in dese parts.

ROCHELLE

I'll have mine without.

(Puts them back in)

MARIE

Suit yerself.

(To SHADRACK)

Skin dem outside dough. Yer made a right mess last time.

SHADRACK

Yer know I don't mind chopping the vegetables, how about yer go hunting next time?

MARIE

How about yer take our daughter next time?

SHADRACK

Yer kidding aren't yer? Even if we came across a deer, she wouldn't have it in her to kill the thing. I blame YOU for letting her watch Bambi.

ROCHELLE

(Shouting over her music)

I can hear you!

SHADRACK

DEN HEAR DIS....(Mouths the words 'F**k you' without saying them)

ROCHELLE

(Takes the headphones out)

What?

MARIE

Ay! Don't think I didn't see that Mr!

(To ROCHELLE)

Yer can go skin the rabbits.

ROCHELLE

But.....

MARIE

No buts! NOW!

ROCHELLE stands up with a huff and walks over to the kitchen area, she goes to take a knife from the draw but MARIE shuts it.

MARIE

Yer won't be needing dat. Yer do it the old fashioned way. Like me and yer father. Be good practice it will.

ROCHELLE

I've only just done my nails!

MARIE

Well looks like you're going to have to undo dem, doesn't it. I told you, it's time to accept what you are. Now go do what I've asked.

ROCHELLE huffs again, takes the rabbits from SHADRACK begrudgingly and leaves the caravan.

ROCHELLE

She'll have the ump all night now.

MARIE

No change den.

SHADRACK sits. There's a moment of silence between him and MARIE, the sound of the radio becomes more prominent. The radio DJ begins to report on some recent stories.

RADIO DJ

Strange occurrences in Romford Essex this week, first of all two salon workers were found drained of all their blood and left burnt, then their were reports of a strange attack where one boy tried sucking the blood out of another’s wound. Sounds too much like an extract from a bad Bram Stoker book to me, but if you do happen to live in the town of Essex, then please do take care, these are serious matters, eat plenty of garlic and buy yourself a cross (Chuckles). I'd love to actually here from some people who do live in Essex, if you have any interesting stories to share or if you've witnessed anything supernatural, then please do get in touch.

MARIE and SHADRACK stare at each other.

MARIE

Well I think dat narrows down our search.

SHADRACK

Romford ay. I'll put da call out.

SHADRACK stands up and exits the caravan. ROCHELLE is stripping the rabbit of it's skin with ease, using her razor sharp nails, though she looks in disgust as she does so. SHADRACK lets out a mighty wolf like howl, which echoes through the forest they are camped in.

CUT TO-

BLACKOUT.

END CREDITS.