NO ESCAPE

So, we've left the EU, but what does that really mean for the classification of British citizens? This short comic play explores identity and the power of choice/freedom of expression.

No Escape

By

Darrel Draper

(Lights up. Student house. Brad sits on a sofa, guitar in hand, punk rock-ish look, Irish. Tanith sits beside him, hipster-esc, she admires his guitar. Imran sits on a separate chair, dressed smart casual, he is trying to read Harry Potter: The Philosopher's Stone. He is British but of Arab Israeli descent)

BRAD: Ok, two guesses. (Strums a single chord before he is interrupted)

IMRAN: Wonderwall!

BRAD: No.

IMRAN: Every guitar player knows Wonderwall.

BRAD: I do, but it's not that. (Strums another chord)

IMRAN: Fast car! Tracy Chapman!

BRAD: No!

TANITH: Just listen!

BRAD: That's your two guesses up anyway. So you're out Imran.

IMRAN: Shame.

(Brad continues to play, Tanith struggles to guess the tune)

TANITH: Err......

IMRAN: (Mutters) I know it.

TANITH: God. This is a hard one.

IMRAN: (Mutters) No it's not.

TANITH: Just, shhh! Read your book!

IMRAN: I'm trying.

BRAD: (Stops playing) How have you not read Harry Potter before?

IMRAN: I was waiting for all the hype to die down. I don't like reading or watching anything with other peoples opinions circulating.

BRAD: I'd say it was still pretty popular.

IMRAN: Hence why I've given in. The amount of conversations I've been in where I've felt lost because of this bloody book.

TANITH: Carry on Brad, I've still got two guesses. (Brad continues to play. Pause) Mmm. How long did it take you to learn? The song.

BRAD: (Speaking while still playing) Couple of hours maybe. Probably not even that.

TANITH: Wow. That's good. And what about the guitar?

BRAD: Maybe 5, 6 months. But I wasn't practising every day.

TANITH: Wow. You'll have to teach me sometime.

BRAD: I'd love to.

IMRAN: (Mutters) Subtle.

TANITH: Ah! Got it! U2! With or without you?

BRAD: Nope.

IMRAN: Tanith. You shouldn't assume an Irishman can play U2 simply because.........

TANITH: Why don't you read that in your room Imran?

IMRAN: Shall I tell you?

TANITH: Well I did just ask you a ques........

IMRAN: No the song he's playing.

TANITH: No. You're out. You wasted your guesses.

IMRAN: OK. Guess you'll never know then.

BRAD: It was The Beatles, All You Need Is Love.

IMRAN: Yep. Easy.

TANITH: Oh piss off! You didn't know that!

IMRAN: I did! I can sing it! (Mockingly) “All you need is love......All you need is love”. There!

TANITH: Can't believe I didn't get that. Durrr. It's the Beatles. I should have known.

IMRAN: Yes, yes you should have, and anyway Brad, talk about defeating the purpose of the game. Why bother guessing if you're just going to tell her!

BRAD: (Laughs) Alright. I'll do another one. (Strums a single chord)

IMRAN: Wonderwall! Oasis! (Bursts into laughter) Sorry, sorry, couldn't resist.

BRAD: Ah C'mon man! A jokes a joke but, it's old now.

IMRAN: Yeah, just like the song.

BRAD: Like that bloody book in yer hand!

TANITH: Shall we go to my room Brad? Leave him to read in peace.

IMRAN: (Mutters) I have a feeling you'd make more noise in there.

TANITH: What was that?

IMRAN: I said, this books not all it's cracked up to be.

BRAD: What! Are yer mad man!

IMRAN: It's not all that.

BRAD: It's not all that! That was me childhood right there.

IMRAN: Probably why I'm not enjoying it now. I missed the boat. So to speak of course. (Sniggers, mutters) I got to be careful using that expression these days.

BRAD: You need to give it time. Stick wid it. Trust me.

TANITH: Yeah, how can you not like Harry Potter? That's crazy.

BRAD: I know right.

TANITH: J.K Rowling is a goddess! (Beat) So you read Harry Potter as a child too?

BRAD: Of course. Who didn't? (Imran suggestively coughs) Sorry.

TANITH: I wonder what else we have in common.

IMRAN: Rent money. Which by the way, still needs to be paid. I've put my money into the account, now I'm just waiting......

BRAD: Yeah, yeah I'll do it tomorrow for sure. Promise.

TANITH: Me too. We can take a trip down the bank together.

IMRAN: (Mutters) Romantic.

TANITH: Although I think Gary should be the one to pay the electricity. He's always on that bloody play-station. Keeps me up sometimes.

BRAD: Just ask him to turn it down. I do.

TANITH: If I'm honest. I could do without him living here at all.

IMRAN: That's not fair Tanith, you're only saying that because......

TANITH: No, not just that. He's annoying, like, more annoying than you, and that's saying something.

BRAD: He is a tad annoying, but, hey ho, we need the money right. And who am I to say anything. I've lived here the least longest.

TANITH: Glad you moved in though.

BRAD: Ta. Me too. (Beat) I know, how about we all play cards. Up for that?

TANITH: I am.

BRAD: Imran?

IMRAN: Yeah alright. I'll pick this up again before bed. I need a decent nights sleep.

BRAD: Cool. I'll go grab the deck. If I can find it that is. (Exits)

TANITH: (Quietly to Imran) Could you stop being a dick please?

IMRAN: What?

TANITH: Making it obvious.

IMRAN: (Sniggers) Erm. I'm not the one making it obvious.

TANITH: No but you're making it awkward.

IMRAN: Alright. Sorry. I just don't want you getting your hopes up is all.

TANITH: Why? Has he said anything?

IMRAN: No, but, he's in a band. They travel around a lot. And well, you know, who knows how long he's going to be here. And I know what you're like.

TANITH: What am I like?

IMRAN: (Beat) You get invested very easily. And I can imagine if you fall for this guy and then he decides.....

TANITH: You think I'd just up and leave?

IMRAN: No I'm not saying that, I'm just saying......

TANITH: Imran, I've been your friend for years, do you really think.....

BRAD: (Entering with the cards in hand) Right, what we playing?

TANITH: Um.....I don't mind.

IMRAN: Yeah whatever.

BRAD: OK. Different question. What do you know how to play?

TANITH: What's that game where you have to get three of something and four of something.

IMRAN: Not sure. I know what it is, but, don't know the name for it.

BRAD: Aye, I know what you're talking about. (Starts shuffling the deck) OK, so we each get 7 cards (Dealing them out). And we place the rest of the deck in the middle, so the object of the game is to get either the same card from every suit, so all the aces or all the kings, 3's, 4's, whatever, or a sequence of numbers, but in the same suit, so 2 to 5, or 5-8, just four cards, or 3, in numbered order. But you've got to have three of something and four of something to win.

TANITH: All coming back to me now.

BRAD: But you can only ever have seven cards, so if you pick one up from the deck, you have to throw one away. You can either take from the deck, or from the pile of disregarded cards, but you can only take the top card. And we go around like that until obviously someone has two matching sets, and their the winner. Make sense?

IMRAN: Sure does.

BRAD: OK then, you go first Imran.

IMRAN: Wait so, do I have to put one down before I can pick one up or......

BRAD: I think you can pick first.....

(Imran picks a card from the deck and then discards one)

BRAD: You go next Tanith, I'll go last.

TANITH: Ah thank you, very gentlemanly (Imran gives her a look as if to say knock it off). So I can take the card that Imran chucked?

BRAD: You can yes. (Tanith takes the discarded card, and lays down one of her own) Right, let's see what we have here. (Puts down one and picks one up)

IMRAN: Mmmm.

TANITH: I seem to have all the same suit.

BRAD: (Jokes) Owww, segregation.

IMRAN: Oh god, let's not bring that up again.

TANITH: They're all useless though. (Beat) The cards.

IMRAN: I'm sure that's what you meant.

BRAD: (Sings some song lyrics to himself, from the 1975 'The City') Don't call it a spade if it isn't a spade. And go lie on the floor if you......

(Suddenly the slamming of a door is heard and another character enters. Gary, who is carrying a bag of shopping. They seem less than thrilled to see him. He is dressed rather like a 'Chav')

TANITH: (Mutters) Ah great. Here we go.

GARY: Alright guys, what we playing? (Initially there's no response from the others) Guys?

IMRAN: We don't know.

GARY: (Laughs) You don't know? How's that work?

TANITH: Don't know the name of it.

GARY: Ah. (Takes a closer look) Looks like Gin Rummy to me. (They ignore his prescience and continue to play, he holds up the carrier bag he is carrying) I got some of those nice roll things you all like from the bakery down the road.

BRAD: The Polish one?

GARY: Yeah that's it.

TANITH: You better buy them in bulk next time. Won't be around much longer.

BRAD: Shame. They're nice people.

GARY: You don't know that.

BRAD: I've had many a conversation with them.

GARY: No, what Tanith said.

TANITH: It's only a matter of time. Once they evoke article 50.

BRAD: It's ludicrous. Fingers crossed they're going to hold another one just before, it's been rumoured.

TANITH: Let's hope so. Otherwise I dread to think what's going to happen.

GARY: (Beat) Can I jump in?

BRAD: Maybe the next game.

GARY: OK. (Beat) So any of you want one of these now?

BRAD: Not now.

TANITH: No not for me.

IMRAN: I might have one later. Thanks.

GARY: No worries. (Takes one out for himself, bites into it, speaks with his mouth full) I was thinking about popping down the Fox and Hen later. (Beat) It's quiz night. Remember how well we did the last time. (Beat) Thought we could give it another shot. We were only four points away from second. (Beat) How about it?

BRAD: Naa, not tonight mate, sorry.

TANITH: Yeah I don't fancy it either.

GARY: Imran? We can call ourselves the dynamic duo, or, I don't know, we'll think of a funny team name.

IMRAN: We'll see.

GARY: (Beat) Remember when we were, 'IMAC HUNT', and it took the quiz leader ages to figure it out, he just kept shouting it and we were all cracking up (Laughs to himself), and he look confused and, good times man. Good times. (Pause) I haven't played this in years. (Beat) Not since, when was it, bout two Christmases ago. (Beat) Went on for ages. (Beat) But I won. Which was good.

TANITH: Do you enjoy winning?

GARY: Of course I enjoy winning. No one's happy loosing, are they? Not really, despite all of that, it's the taking part that counts bullocks. (Laughs to himself)

TANITH: You must feel great then.

GARY: Ay?

IMRAN: Tanith, C'mon, just concentrate on the game.

GARY: I don't get it. What's the problem?

IMRAN: What's the problem?

GARY: Yeah. What's the problem? You guys have been off with me for the past couple of days.

BRAD: Just get on with the game. Ignore him.

GARY: What the f**k! Jesus Christ! Please don't tell me you've still got the a*s about it!

TANITH: Oh yeah, because it's no big deal, is it?

GARY: There are other people who voted! Not just me!

BRAD: We're just, a little disappointed, that's all Gary.

GARY: Disappointed in what? Me? Why? Because I had an opinion!

BRAD: No it's not that, it's just, I'm surprised.

TANITH: I'm not.

GARY: What's that supposed to mean? “I'm not”.

IMRAN: Look guys, think of it this way, this is our, 'where were you'.

BRAD: What?

IMRAN: You know when something monumental happens and people are like, 'where were you'. 'Where were you when the Berlin wall was torn down?', for example.

TANITH: At least that was something to celebrate.

IMRAN: Our grand kids will ask us, 'Where were you when you found out that Britain was leaving the EU?', and I'll say, reading someone else’s newspaper while crammed on a packed train with some man’s sweaty armpit in my face.

BRAD: (Laughs) That's a gooden. I'll say, while brushing my teeth listening to the radio, I actually stopped, completely, and forgot what I was doing, despite having the toothbrush in my hand and toothpaste in my mouth. I actually went to walk out with it in my hand.

TANITH: (Laughs) I'd just woken up, and a friend text me, and I honestly thought I was still dreaming. Or at least I hoped I was.

GARY: I found out through facebook.

TANITH: (Leaps up in a rage) Facebook! F*****g facebook! You imbecile! I bet you've never even watched the news! Or read a paper!

IMRAN: Woe! Tanith! Calm down!

GARY: Jesus! You've got problems girl!

TANITH: Yeah you! And all the other idiots out there!

IMRAN: Tanith stop! You're not angry at Gary!

TANITH: Yes I am!

GARY: I think she is!

IMRAN: No you're not! You're angry with yourself!

TANITH: What!

IMRAN: You know it's true! You didn't vote so now......

BRAD: (Gasps) You didn't vote?

TANITH: Imran! You swore!

IMRAN: I'm sorry, but this is getting ridiculous.

GARY: Hypocrite alert!

TANITH: I had every intention to! I promise! I went out that day with my polling card in my bag, and I was going to vote to remain, obviously, but, I was just, I was so stressed that day and, everything was just, I had the day from hell, and by the time I realised, remembered, it was too late, I went to the nearest polling station but it was shut. It was shut! There was nothing I could do!

GARY: It's not that one vote would have made a difference anyway.

BRAD: No but it's the principle.

TANITH: I know. And I feel awful.

BRAD: No vote is worse than any vote.

IMRAN: Well that's not technically true, an uneducated vote is worse.

TANITH: Like Gary's!

GARY: Oi! I'm clever! Alright! Don't think because of the way I dress I'm........

TANITH: Then why!

GARY: Because when my mother was in hospital, I saw just how overworked those nurses were and just how understaffed they were, and maybe, maybe if our NHS had more support she would have made it out of that place alive! That's why! Instead her final days were miserable, in that miserable place. That's why. Not because of some f*****g racist bullshit you all think!

(Pause)

BRAD: Nobody said you were racist Gary.

GARY: No, but that's what most people think init. You voted out, you're a racist scumbag. Simple as that.

TANITH: I'm sorry Gary.

(Pause)

IMRAN: I voted to leave. (Everyone looks shocked)

TANITH: You said you voted to stay.

IMRAN: I had to. I mean, you get crucified in this house just for not being fond of Harry Potter. (Sniggers) Like that's the quintessential thing about being British. And The Beatles, who are from Liverpool, and you're from f*****g Ireland! So who cares! I saw the way you treated Gary after he told you, and, I don't know, I should have been honest I suppose, but, peoples views are messed up.

GARY: So you just let me take the fall alone, cheers mate.

IMRAN: I know, dick thing to do.

GARY: Major dick thing. Funny init, you lot been moaning about people being shut out because of our decision to leave. But what you guys been doing for the past couple of days to me? (Beat) Shutting me out!

IMRAN: Exactly. It's wrong. And I'm sorry.

BRAD: But Imran, why would you vote to leave?

IMRAN: Bradley, no need to be so shocked, I was born in this country. I am a UK citizen. I'm just tired of being put into the same box as every other Muslim, Israeli immigrant. Hearing people always bang on about who should be in the country, who shouldn't. People saying, if we leave the EU, that will mean that immigrants will be turned away and their living standards will decrease dramatically and we need to show compassion for other struggling countries, etc, etc, but they don't know the real fact, they don't know that thousands of migrants are turned away daily now, while we're still in the EU, often they're shipped off illegally. They only let in those they want to let in. They pick and chose who they want, like some sort of pore people, desperate souls pic n mix. “What's that? We need more construction workers who are willing to work for below minimum wage? Well then, better let in some more Albanians, otherwise those buildings ain’t gonna be built in time, not with all these lazy British people around, not willing to work ridiculous hours for ridiculous money”. Our borders are already controlled. So what will be the difference? For me, voting out at least means, perhaps immigrants won't be taken advantage of. Perhaps if we do actually get rid of all the real 'Terrorists', I won't be labelled as one. I mean, the reason my mother and father fled Israel when they were younger was because of all the s**t that was going on there, same s**t that's now going on here. You had members of the same country, the Arabs, Jews, Muslims, Christians, all fighting over ownership of the land. But all born in the same f*****g place. Just like us. And yet here we are. At each others throats. Doesn't matter if we stay, or leave. We're still going to tear each other apart anyway. Because it's in our nature. Man is greedy. Man wart’s everything. But is willing to put up with nothing. And quite frankly, I'm sick to death of this debate. It's boring. Just like Harry Potter! There, I said it! That's my opinion! You don't have to like it! You don't have to agree with it! But there it is! You're entitled to make your own mind up. But I'm done with this. (Goes to storm out but turns back round) However, the one thing I think we can all agree on is, we need to pay the rent, so get that money in that account, otherwise, we'll all be out!

(Imran storms off, leaving the other three in silent contemplation)

GARY: He has got a point.

BRAD: (Beat) Yeah.

TANITH: Mmmm.

GARY: (Beat) Harry Potter is s**t.

THE END.

Author's Note

I am entering this short play into a political playwright competition and would like any feedback to improve the piece of work before submission.