BUMP AHEAD

A young couple on their way to have an abortion get stuck in traffic, giving them time to contemplate their decision.

Bump Ahead

By

Darrel Draper

(Neil and Roslyn are sat together in a car stuck in heavy traffic)

Neil: What's this Muppet doing? If he gets any more up my a*s he's going to have to take me to dinner.

Roslyn: Ah s**t!

Neil: What?

Roslyn: I was supposed to have lunch today with mum, I forgot to cancel. She's probably already on her way round. (Takes out her mobile)

Neil: What are you going to say?

Roslyn: That we're stuck in traffic.

Neil: No I mean, did you tell her in the end?

Roslyn: No, she doesn't know. And I don't want her to. OK.

Neil: OK, as I said, it's completely down to you. But what are you going to say if she asks why you're stuck in traffic?

Roslyn: Oh f**k, um........I'm sure something will spring to mind. (Dials number)

Neil: Honestly this guys an idiot, like bibbing your horns going to solve anything mate, does he think he's Moses sat behind that wheel or something, like we're just going to part like the red.......

Roslyn: Hello Mum, hi, yeah, no, no, look, yeah listen, I won't be able to do today, sorry, um.......I just um.......

Neil: Oh get out of my a*s!

Roslyn: What? No, I don't know what that was (Hits Neil and mouths the words 'shut up'), might have been the TV, I got that show on about road rage, you know, Britain’s angriest drivers, bloody daytime television ay, full of nutters, well that's the thing, I'm watching it in bed, I'm not feeling particularly well and, no, no, I wouldn’t want you to catch anything. No honestly it's fine, we'll catch up another day. I'm feeling quite tired anyway, I was going to turn this crap off and try and get some sleep, see if that will make me feel any better. Bored of Jeremy Kyle. What? Oh no it's um......It's a, special edition, yeah, he's interviewing Britain’s angriest drivers, yeah, um.....ITV.......two......plus one.......and it's literally just finished.....yeah, don't worry, you didn't miss much. Yeah, yeah, I will do, yeah. I'm sure it's just a 24 hour thing. Yeah, yeah, sorry to let you down. OK, yeah, I'll see you soon, OK, yeah bye. Love you too. (Ends phone call, Neil bursts into laughter)

Neil: I actually think that sounds like a very interesting episode. Though it should be hosted by Jeremy Clarkson.

Roslyn: To be honest, the whole reason I don't want her to find out is because I don't want to end up on the Jeremy Kyle show.

Neil: Really?

Roslyn: Believe me, she'd use any excuse to get on that show, she watches it daily, mainly because she fancies Kyle.

Neil: Oh god.

Roslyn: I know. I could kind of accept the fact she liked Alan Titchmarsh but.....

Neil: Woe, please don't tell me that you fancy........

Roslyn: No, no, of course not, but at least he's good with his hands.

Neil: (Sniggers to himself) Does your mum need her hedge trimming?

Roslyn: Neil!

Neil: What! I meant that literally, as in the hedge she's got......

Roslyn: Yeah, yeah, I bet you did.

Neil: I did! (Beat) Although I could make a David Dickonson Joke.

Roslyn: Let me guess, something about her being a bargain or as cheap as chips.

Neil: No, I was actually going to say, he's a man who appreciates an antique, (Roslyn gives him a dirty look) what, that's a compliment. Saying she's valuable.

Roslyn: Mmmmm.

Neil: (Beat) They've both got penis in their name.

Roslyn: Ay?

Neil: The guy who took over from David, his name was Tim Wannacock.

Roslyn: (Lets out a laugh) No? Really?

Neil: Yeah I'm sure it was.

Roslyn: Maybe your pronouncing it wrong.

Neil: No I'm not, that's how he pronounced it.

Roslyn: God, imagine living with that surname, I mean, if you've got a s**t first name you can just give yourself a nickname, or change it, but that, no one would want to marry into that name.

Neil: Mmmm. Roslyn Wannacock.

Roslyn: Oi!

Neil: I'm surprised the BBC even employed them, their so PC. Though I doubt they'll ever do a children’s show (Laughs).

Roslyn: (Blunt) Yeah alright, let's not go there, OK.

Neil: Alright, sorry. (Pause) Jesus, I don't get it. I've never seen it this choka, not this time a day.

Roslyn: (Mutters) Maybe it's a sign.

Neil: I reckon there's been an accident. Must be.

Roslyn: (Sniggers) Yeah well, they do happen.

Neil: (Pause) I've got a student called Egg, well, it's Egg on paper, pronounced Ega.

Roslyn: Probably pronouncing that wrong too.

Neil: And I sort of have an inside joke every now and again, like when he's struggling to understand something, I say to him, are you feeling a bit scrambled (Laughs to himself), or, is your brain a bit fried.

Roslyn: That's terrible. Inside joke with who?

Neil: Myself.

Roslyn: (Shakes her head) Oh dear, oh dear. You should really be wearing one of those school uniforms.

Neil: Hey, my pass rates were through the roof last term. (Beat) Oh yeah and the other day, these two boys squared up to each other in the corridor, and I had to separate them, and one of them said to the other, “get out of my George Foreman” (Laughs to himself).

Roslyn: What?

Neil: It was actually quite clever, you know coz George Foreman makes Grills, and grill is a slang term for someone’s face, so when people say, get out of my grill, you know so instead of that.......

Roslyn: Do you ever teach them any proper English?

Neil: Well technically your use of English there wasn't correct.

Roslyn: Shut up, have you heard the way you speak?

Neil: I speak correctly when I need to, it's my day off.

Roslyn: I thought you said teaching was a full time job, ay, that was one of the reasons.....

Neil: Oh give me a break!

Roslyn: What do you mean?

Neil: Look, you can't get all arsey with me when I try and bring it up, and then as soon as........

Roslyn: I'm not getting arsey! I was just stating one of the reasons why, we both agreed to.....

Neil: Well as long as you recognise it was both our decision.

Roslyn: Of course I do.

Neil: Right then.

Roslyn: Jesus.

Neil: ( Pause) Ow, and here he is again, Mr. bumper toucher, I don't think you could get any closer if you tried mate. It's because of twats like that not leaving enough room that there's accidents, which then causes s**t like this. IDIOT!

Roslyn: Careful he don't hear you.

Neil: I could f*****g whisper and he'd be able to hear me from this distance.

Roslyn: Well just remember there's nowhere to run if he gets out.

Neil: You think I'm going to run, from THAT bloke.

Roslyn: He looks pretty dangerous to me.

Neil: And what are you basing that assumption upon?

Roslyn: He's got a skinhead.

Neil: Ah right, so because he's bald, he’s' instantly hard, yeah?

Roslyn: Statistically it makes sense.

Neil: Statistically? What are you on about?

Roslyn: Well, you try and name, or think of someone who has a bald head, and is not tough, or doesn't look tough.

Neil: (Pause) Charlie Brown.

Roslyn: Charlie Brown?

Neil: Yeah, Charlie Brown, as in, Charlie Brown and Snoopy, you know from the cartoons. Him and that dog. He was always nervous and babbling

Roslyn: He wasn't bald! He was just poorly animated! He had like a squiggle of hair at the front!

Neil: Then he was receding! Which is a form of baldness.

Roslyn: But he was a kid!

Neil: Then he must have had a tough childhood!

Roslyn: (Laughs. Pause) Could you imagine never ever seeing a cartoon? Or reading a book, or watching a film, a really good film like........

Neil: The Dark Knight.

Roslyn: Titanic. Forest Gump. The Note Book.

Neil: (Sniggers) Wish I could erase that last one from my memory.

Roslyn: Shut up, you cried at the end.

Neil: Exactly, which is why I want to erase it. (Ros laughs. Pause) If it gets to ten past, I reckon you should give them a ring, let them know we're stuck in this hell, otherwise they may just cancel it completely, and then it will be a pain trying to.....

Roslyn: (Beat) If hell really does exists, do you think we'll.........

Neil: No, I don't, and you shouldn't be thinking like that.

Roslyn: The counsellor said it's only natural to have these thoughts.

Neil: I know but, you can't dwell on them. Otherwise......

Roslyn: I won't, but at the moment, It's just......one of those things. (Beat) Surely you must be feeling the same?

Neil: Of course I am, which is why I got annoyed earlier.

Roslyn: Yeah I know, I'm sorry, I just.......(Sighs) We're getting that radio fixed next, no matter what happens.

Neil: I could sing for you.

Roslyn: No, no, no, that's alright. Then I really would be in hell.

Neil: Oi! (Beat) You know in America they've actually got a route 666.

Roslyn: No they haven't.

Neil: Yes they have.

Roslyn: No, it's route 66.

Neil: No there's a film about it. Route 666.

Roslyn: Yes I know what you're talking about, it's a crappy horror, and it's not real. There is no route 666, just 66. It's a good thing you're not a geography teacher.

Neil: S**t, I could have swore......

Roslyn: You just did.

Neil: Ay?

Roslyn: You said I could have.......

Neil: Ahhhhhhh. Yeah, yeah, I get it, very clever. Very clever. (Beat) I don't think we're going to make it.

Roslyn: You sound disappointed.

Neil: Do I?

Roslyn: A bit.

Neil: Look Ros, it's not too late, if you just want to cancel it, we can, the doctor said we've still got until the end of this week to make a decision. Perhaps you just need more time to think.

Roslyn: And what about you? Do you need more time?

Neil: (Sighs) You can spend your whole life thinking about something, thinking, was that the right thing to do? And then before you know it, that's your life over.

Roslyn: But this isn't about our life’s.

Neil: Well no it is, of course it is. Either way we'll be responsible.

Roslyn: Oh right, so you can be responsible for other parents children, but not your own, is that what you're saying?

Neil: No! You were the first to have doubts. Even you said yourself it's the wrong time.

Roslyn: So when's the right time?

Neil: I don't know, maybe when we've both got a bit more money, and when it's planned.

Roslyn: But even things that are planned can go wrong, I mean, take Apollo 13 for example, the amount of money and planning that went into that, by rocket scientists, the most intelligent men and women and still........

Neil: (Laughs) You can't compare having a child to the dangers and extremities of space travel. Unless of course an alien pops out of your stomach.

Roslyn: OK but there's been some great accidents in the world. Like......the big bang.

Neil: (Laughs) It was definitely a big bang that caused this accident.

Roslyn: What if, what if this was meant to be. What if, what if there was an accident on this road, maybe, maybe that accident was to prevent us from getting rid of this one. Think about it.

Neil: That's certainly a paradox.

Roslyn: Even you said yourself it's usually dead on this road at this time of day.

Neil: Mmmmm. OR, perhaps, you're allowing guilt to get.......

Roslyn: Do you think I'd be a good mother?

Neil: Of course I do.

Roslyn: Really?

Neil: Yes, I do. (Beat) Although you'd have to accept the fact that our baby would be born a menace to society.

Roslyn: Why'd you say that?

Neil: Well, because it will most probably come out bald.

(Both laugh)

Roslyn: See, we're great together. Imagine a person with half of your genes and half of mine, they'd be completely kick a*s.

Neil: Mmmmmm. So you think I'd make a good dad then?

Roslyn: Oh yeah totally. A hundred per cent, you're a kid yourself. You'd be like a dad plus a best friend. Which is why I would probably be a good mother, I've had enough experience putting up with your crap.

Neil: Oi! You can be immature yourself.

Roslyn: I know, so what? We can all be immature together.

Neil: What and end up on Jeremy Kyle?

Roslyn: F**k it, you're not a proper British family unless you've been on television for one reason or another.

Neil: If it's a problem child, you know what we should name it?

Roslyn: What?

Neil: Huston. (Laughs to himself, Roslyn looks perplexed) Oh C'mon Ros, (Puts on a voice) Huston, we have a.........

Roslyn: Ahhhhhhhh. I get it.

Neil: (Rolls eyes) Clearly one side of it's genes will be far superior.

Roslyn: It?

Neil: Well technically it's not a person yet, is it?

Roslyn: But it could be, and doesn't that excite you?

Neil: It does, but.....you know.

Roslyn: What? You're scared? Obviously, I am too, we'll be embarking into the unknown, AH! Just like space travel! See! There's the connection.

Neil: (Sniggers) How long did that take?

Roslyn: What scares you the most?

Neil: Um........

Roslyn: Be honest. (Beat) I'll tell you what scares me the most. What it will do to my body.

Neil: Yeah that's a concern of mine too.

Roslyn: Dickhead. (Beat) But seriously.

Neil: Um, standard stuff, not being able to provide for it. I said to myself that I wouldn't have a kid until I was at least 30 or had a million pounds in the bank.

Roslyn: Neil, your almost 29, that's one year off, and I'd say you were about......a billion years off a million pounds.

Neil: You never know, I might win the lottery.

Roslyn: You don't play the lottery.

Neil: Then I'll start.

Roslyn: And what if you never win? Huh? What then? I didn't have everything as a child.

Neil: Neither did I.

Roslyn: And yet look, here we are.

Neil: Yeah, stuck in traffic with a bunch of wankers.

Roslyn: (Pause, sniggers) I suppose this traffic jams symbolic of life really. Everyone’s slowly moving forward, not knowing what's up ahead, hoping for the best, but expecting the worse. We're all in the same boat, or car in fact.

Neil: Yeah and I think I know what's caused it.

Roslyn: What's that?

Neil: You see that sign over there. Obviously some idiot didn't read the road properly and was probably speeding, and then come across........

Roslyn: My god. (Laughs)

Neil: I know, there's a highway code for a reason, unless they now allow blind people to drive.

Roslyn: No, no, look, what does the sign stand for?

Neil: Bump ahead.

Roslyn: Yes! Don't you see!

Neil: Yes! I'm the one that pointed it out!

Roslyn: NO! Listen, BUMP, AHEAD. (Gestures to her stomach)

Neil: (The penny drops) Oh yeah. (Chuckles) That is a coincidence.

Roslyn: Is it a coincidence? Or.......well, I know it is a literal sign, but, surely you've got to think that's strange. On top of everything else.

Neil: Yeah alright, I'll give you that.

Roslyn: So........which road do we take? The bumpy one or........

Neil: The one that says terminate at the next exit.

(They both look at each other and hold the stare as they sit in contemplation. The moment of silence is interrupted by the sudden bibbing of a horn, they both look forward again)