Fear

John in this story is the boyfriend who is somewhat unhinged. This short story explores how the fears of our childhood can manifest and come into play in the least expected moments of our adult lives.

As children, there are many things we find scary. For example, being left alone in the dark afraid of a shadow monster hiding under our bed. Being torn away from my grandparents, seeing my immediate family fall apart, having my Godmother who brought me lollies and presents and braided my hair walk out of my life never to be heard from again (not knowing why or what I may have done wrong to cause her to do so), seeing my closest friends move away my greatest fear in letting people into my life was the fear of them leaving. As a child, when my mother wanted to go out of the house and I was feeling fearful that she may not return I would sit on her foot wrapping my arms and legs around her ankle restraining her - preventing her from being able to walk away. In those days I often had nightmares, there was one where I was standing in the middle of the room; it was empty �" no furniture, no television, just the four pale colored walls, the white ceiling and the floorboards. There were no people around. I remembered trying to open a window and when I tried metal bars would appear on it. I remembered trying to open the front door to leave, but the door handle was so hot that it burnt the palm of my hand. I remembered sitting in front of the window, looking out into the world outside, holding my arms around myself and rocking. The next thing that would happen is that I would see children playing and people walking their dogs, but I was trapped on the inside looking out into a world I couldn't find a way to be a part of. It was scary being that alone and that trapped. And I used to wake up in the middle of the night, climb out of my bed and into my mothers, to feel that she was right there with me and I was not alone. Another recurring dream was that I was at the park �" mum was there, so was my dad, my cousins, they left me to wait on the park bench while they went to get some ice cream, I sat there and I waited and I waited �" until the sun was so high in the sky that it radiated heat and then started to slowly slide down behind the mountain, until it cast a red and orange glow on everything around me and then disappeared into the horizon. I sat there until the sky started to turn dark and the stars began to shine and the pale yellow glow of the moon took over from the once bright sky. I sat there on the bench until no one walked past anymore, still waiting �" my family didn’t come back and the rest of the dream until I woke was spent listening to the sounds of the night until the sun came out once again and the birds began to sing to awaken to the morning light and I was still there, curled up on that bench, left and forgotten by everyone. I don’t dream anymore. I can’t remember anything when I wake up in the mornings. I used to as a child �" there are some vivid dreams I can still recall, even now, almost twenty years after the fact, but if you asked me if I dreamed last night the answer would be ‘no’ or the night before or a year ago �" it is all blank �" there is no memory there. It was one Friday night and the minute I got home from work I knew something wasn’t right. John was in my living room when I wasn’t even home �" there was just one issue �" I hadn’t given him a key. ‘How did you get in?’ I asked ‘I told you, I have my ways’ he said smiling not really understanding that the idea of someone being able to enter my home as they pleased, not needing a key was invasive and scary. Especially since he thought it was very clever of him and would not tell me how he actually managed to get into the house. Was one of the doors left open? I would wonder to myself. It wasn’t open anymore �" I walked around checking all the doors. Some of the windows were open only 3cm maximum to let fresh air in, but they also had fly screens, so I could not see how that small opening could have been used to get into the house �" there was no way to reach the lever to open the window further. Nothing looked damaged or tampered with �" it was a mystery I would never solve. It was the night of my friends’ birthday and we had less than an hour to get ready and as usual when time is of the essence and there is somewhere to be, a fight is looming. John did not take well to my reaction of checking all the windows and doors ‘you are acting like I am some kind of criminal, am I not welcome here?’ his light mood clearly changing and turning dark. ‘It’s not that, just why would you enter my home without telling me? I mean I have no issues you being here you know, you could have just asked for your key back, but just breaking in �" it wouldn’t freak you out if someone let themselves into your place?’ He didn’t get it ‘I used to come home to find my mates hanging out at my place all the time, since I actually wanted them to be there I never saw it as an issue, but I guess you just don’t want me here.’ I stared at him and then I remembered the feeling I got when mum was leaving me and I didn’t want her to go, the feeling was so strong that I felt like I was nine years old again about to be abandoned. John took my silence as agreement and started stomping around the house collecting his belonging ‘Stop.’ I said ‘Don’t be like that, of course I don’t want you to go, let’s just get ready and go to Tanya’s birthday.’ He glared at me ‘You think after what you just pulled that I am in any mood to deal with any of your friends, that I actually want to go anywhere with you to make small chit chat and pretend that I’m having a good time �" forget it!’ He made two trips out to his car to load it full of clothes; I didn’t think that he had that many belongings at my place. He was constantly packing them up and leaving. Fear washed over me �" what if this time he wasn’t going to come back? Before my mind had a chance to think anything through, like I was possessed I threw myself onto his foot, wrapping my legs around his ankle and my arms around his calves repeating ‘you can’t go, you can’t go, you can’t go’ like a lost scared child. I was no longer in control of myself, I was ruled by something else �" fear, a childhood fear that reared its head and overtook the adult me. John didn’t react the same way my mother had �" he freaked out. Because his fear was to be restrained �" he longed to be free and I was restricting his movement, this made his fear come to life. All he could think about was getting me off �" he started trying to peel my fingers away �" even if that meant bending them too far back. When that didn’t work he tried shaking his leg. That didn’t do anything other than make my back collide with the wall or door or anything that was in the way where he tried to manoeuvre me into. When that too failed he began pounding my head and shoulder with his fists �" the blows steadily increasing. By this stage I was dizzy and unsure of anything that was happening, all I could feel was the heat radiating from the places where the blows were landing. This worked, I let go and I curled up to protect myself, but John was already in a state and already enraged �" the blows didn’t stop immediately �" not until he regained full movement from his arms and legs and was completely out of breath. He stood over me, watching the curled up, now cowering figure in front of him. I stayed there, not moving for a long time, not daring to move or get up until I heard the front door slam. Getting up, I felt tender, where your body is aching as if through you have just been on a run and overworked your muscles so when you moved, you felt sore. Pulling my top over my head I could see red marks running all around my shoulders and upper back, I could see more marks on my arms and my toe felt like it had been dislocated from where my foot jammed into the door. ‘What just happened?’ I thought to myself. The experience was so unreal. I stood in the shower, the hot water soothing and at the same time aggravating my skin, unsure of what to think, what to feel �" more than anything feeling lost and confused. After the shower I pulled on a cotton dressing gown and climbed into bed feeling the hot stream of tears running down my cheeks. I pulled a teddy bear closer and let it all go, sobs shaking my body, ‘what happened?’ my mind kept asking myself over and over. I heard a car pull into my driveway, but I hoped it was no one I knew. I didn't get up. I heard the knock on the door and chose to ignore it. That didn’t matter though, the next minute John was standing in the doorway to my room �" he must not have locked the door behind him when he left the first time around. I had no idea how long he had been gone; I had no idea how much time had lapsed. His jaw was set and I could not read his expression, but seeing my tear streaked face, my cowardice position, maybe even the fear in my eyes, something in his demeanor changed. As he approached the bed, I slightly cowered away. He stroked my hair then, just gently. He pulled off my bathrobe and looked at the marks on my body �" slowly, gently he started tracing them with his finger tips and then with his lips. He climbed under the blanket and wrapped his arms around me ‘it’s going to be ok’ he was whispering.