Mirror Mirror ...

A Rehabilitated Narcissist

The experience of a sense of wonder can be difficult on the older person. They figure they're supposed to know it all already. But in the young … its as natural as ice-cream cake. For the adults … its the query as to why they seem to like it so much … but for the young … its simply great tasting. And that may be the great generation gap … we encounter in our societies … as regards the experience of wonder.

 

I seem to recall … some years ago … that it was a big deal … to set up a blog on the web. It was the arangetram (*1)… for me to broadcast to the world … my views … and to receive the views of the readers on the enterprise. It felt a little like being published … and my authorship of perceptions … being shared with others of like mind. I had thought it an accomplishment simply to get on … and to stay with the initial enthusiasm.

 

It is an attention seeking device … open to all who would seek it … but it works in a slightly different way … in our experiences … and may not bring any reward … greater than the ability … to understand the nature of our own thoughts. For every individual … who thought he is more than the worth … his environment brings to him … the web has been a way to expand that … with the world as a companion … with a ear.

 

So I brought all my dreams to this place … my thoughts on the Nobel prize … the man of great ideas … the reconnoitre  … and the man of the world. Its been fun … and it fulfilled something somewhere … in my long list of unrecognized complaints about myself. But its been more than that. Each time … I step up to the keyboard … with a post … its in the trust of the relationship … I have cultivated about the world. Its a commitment. 

 

And it brings something to me … in the nature of the passions … about something I have expressed … in all earnestness. This … compares to the playful person I always was … conjuring all nature of possibilities … and hoping people will take me seriously. But its different this time … on account of the learning I put myself through. Its certainly made a difference … but its not without … a response from the usual eye of wonder … about whether  I might be right this time? This time ? … when did it happen before?

 

On such occasions … I find myself in a place … where great ideas have flowed … over the ages … and I find that … despite my suspicions of childish naivety of the world … my views stand on a screen … in full view of the world. And that appeals to me in some way … as a wonder … notwithstanding that everyone does it these days. Well … to tell the truth … that doesn't really matter … its the fact that I do it too.

 

It appears to me therefore … that I'm reporting to someone else … within the total frame of my dispositions … in my individual nature … who appears keen in my views. And he's not keen about … the usual achievements of writers … or poets … or communicators. He simply wants me to express what I feel … and put it out in a public eye … with my own view on that … as to whether its reasonable. That's certainly a new experience … and there's the hint of the rehabilitated Narcissist in that.

 

There ought to be a word for that … but the experience is so new I wouldn't know what to call it. The closest I come to it … is the phrase coined by Bukowsky … ' publish or die ' … or the oft repeated aphorism from an older time … ' publish and be dammed.' So I think I might call it … the ' Bukowsky syndrome.' I wonder if its going to pick up a rash?

 

But I think … I'm starting to come to grips with the sense of wonder … displayed a little differently in an older disposition … and certainly brought into expression … like a catechism on the roller coaster ride … at the cyclone. But it feels normal … how else would an opinionated SOB … with a dose of obsessions regarding his fondest habits … his chauvinism … bigotry … and satirical manner … be brought to express anything resembling the truth of what he's feeling?

 

It appears to me that …for a long time … our passions … enjoyed a certain cartel of collusion … with our mind on issues … receiving its own approval on its views. But today when we bring such views on a screen on the web … it affirms that to the world. It says … this is what I am … warts and all … and rather than mumble noiselessly within … make a commitment to it. I went back to my writings … of 3 years earlier … and almost shrieked in embarrassment.

 

As a reflection on what we are … the wonder web is more honest than a mirror … and it has  documented evidence … of what we once were. No more guesswork … and it makes for the realization … and awareness of ourselves. But the transparency I experience … is certainly an experience just for me … not my ex-wife or friends. I don't believe anyone … has in that way created an involvement in my life … close to the impulses of my flame of mind.

 

Its possible that my child … might have done that … when she was young. But I figure … it was simply an exploration … of the ways of the world … and for her to look at her options. I don't think a father brings himself to relate to his children that way. But it doesn't miss the attention of the child in me … and he's kind in his views … and figures … I'm making some strides to understand myself better. Besides I just fed him a magnum ice-cream with a bun. We couldn't find ice-cream cake at this hour.

 

 

 

 

(*1) arangetram … ( pron' /are-rung-gay-trum )(Tamil) the first stage performance of a student of the Bharata Natyam upon their graduation.