Monday Visit

Visiting the Firemen

During a Thanksgiving dinner, family from all over came to see us. I wasn’t sure who they all were, all I know is that they were family so I was told to behave and smile. No  matter what the topic of conversation was, no matter how many of my toys were taken by the other young ones, I was told to smile and play along with them.

So while the meals were still being cooked, everyone wanted to visit one another, asking questions about life and figuring out if everyone was ok. Their lack of communication was from having kids and not being able to talk on the phone for a long period of time.

My mom seemed to be the topic of conversation, as of recently she’s been seeing the cardiologist. She’s been having a lot of pains in her chest, which is why everyone was son curious as to what the doctors have said.

I wasn’t able to follow a lot of their conversations after that however. So I went on and attempted to play with “cousins” that I had no idea I had, trying to keep my temper under control as they messed with my precious toys.

Suddenly, a loud crash comes from the kitchen. Dishes fell and the sound of broken plates hitting the ground sounded pretty normal to me, as it was similar to when Dad and Mom started fighting. But, everyone else seemed to be panicking.

Some of the adults rushed over at the noise, me however, continued to play with my toys.

“Call an ambulance!” someone yelled.

Panic now spread throughout the room, not a single person was unsettled by what was happening. I still continued to do what I was told.

Not but a few moments later, I saw the flashing of red and blue lights. This intrigued me, like most children I had a fascination with fire trucks so I assumed this was the same type of lights.

The door busted open and three people came flying in with a bed on wheels. They immediately ran to where the noise came from and family members cleared the area.

Running through peoples legs and fighting my way to get as close to the kitchen as possible, Dad finally grabbed me and told me.

“Everything will be all right bud.”

I looked over his shoulders as he began to walk me back towards my room and I saw that Mom was lying on that rolling bed. I wondered to myself,

“Where are those men taking mom, maybe it’s a type of ride.”

Right before we got to my room, she turned over towards me, with tears rolling down her face and one hand tightly grasping the cloths on her chest. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to tell me something or not, but it looked like she was in a great amount of pain.

I did the only thing I could do at that moment, like I was supposed to.

I simply looked back and smiled at her. I thought I would be praised by her when she got back from the fireman’s place. However, I never did see my mom again.

But we often visited this park, full of stones.

Author's Note

Any kind of feedback I would truly appreciate it.

Reviews

[PHFASCES]

" which is why everyone was son curious as to what the doctors have said"
third paragraph, "So curious"
Deep story. you are pretty good with the twists in stories. you have great potential for writing phenominal movies. thanks for sharing this piece.

[Briana Noël Manzan..]

This is interesting; you did a good job illustrating the innocence and simplicity of a child's mind. I especially like the almost haunting line you end it with, "But we often visited this park, full of stones."

[Riley]

"My mom seemed to be the topic of conversation, as of recently she’s been seeing the cardiologist. She’s been having a lot of pains in her chest, which is why everyone was son curious as to what the doctors have said."

right here you said son, I'm thinking you meant to write so instead. I am unsure of course as this is not my writing. Just a heads up :)

ALSO this is very interesting and almost neat how the child brain works with situations such as these. I loved this and I cannot imagine looking back on it now how difficult this must be for you. Thank you so much for sharing

[Rose Jaeger Kaneki]

this is amazing, beautiful and so sad, love it

[A.marie.speaks]

The message was clear and I liked the perspective you've used here. Writing directly about death is always relative and emotional. With that said I do agree with a few points the previous commenter made.. I'd say decide whether you want the story to be happening 'in the moment' or like a flash back because I think you've flipped between past and present tense in some places.

[Daydreaming]

Now that I've made the first set of edits I can see a lot more about what you two were talking about. I'll revise, most likely removing the first part of the story and replacing it with something else. Thanks for the review ^.^

[A.marie.speaks]

You're very welcome! Whenever I'm wriing something other than poetry I tend to lose sight of keeping time accurate as well.. it's a struggle!

[McBear]

“I was only around 8 years old when I had to watch my mother being taken out of the house via stretcher.”
First of all, I never have seen “via” used in stories. Maybe just say “on a stretcher” in place of “via”
Second of all. I added some description to this.. Tell me if you like this: You may use it completely if you like.
“When I was only 8 years old, I had to watch my mother be rushed out of my home on a stretcher. This whole experience scared me, as I was worried about her. ”

Next “My mom seemed to be the topic of conversation, as of recently she’s been seeing the cardiologist recently. She’s been having a lot of chest pains recently.” You used “recently” a lot. Maybe do this?
“My mom seemed to be the main topic of conversation recently. She's been seeing a cardiologist lately.”

Next..
“I wasn’t able to follow a lot of their conversations after that, however. So I went on and attempted to play with my “cousins” that honestly, I had no idea I even had. I tried to keep my temper under control as they messed with my precious toys.

Next.. “Suddenly, a loud crash comes from the kitchen. Dishes fell and the sound of broken plates hitting the ground sounded pretty normal to me, as it was similar to when Dad and Mom started fighting. But, everyone else seemed to be panicking.
Some of the adults rushed over at the noise, me however, continued to play with my toys.”
“Call an ambulance!” someone yelled.

There is a lot of action packed into this. I attempted to clear it up…
“Suddenly, a loud crash comes from the kitchen, alerting my senses. Dishes had fallen, but the sound of plates smashing was pretty normal to me, anyways. It reminded me of when my mom and dad would fight. But on the other hand, everyone else seemed to be panicking”
Some of the adults rushed over at the noise, me, however, continued to play with my toys.”
“Call an ambulance!” a voice screamed.”

Next… “Panic now spread throughout the room, not a single person was unsettled by what was happening. I still continued to do what I was told.
Not but a few moments later, I saw the flashing of red and blue lights. This intrigued me, like most children I had a fascination with fire trucks so I assumed this was the same type of lights.”

Idk, maybe just a few edits..

Panic now spread throughout the room. Not a single person was unsettled by what was happening. I still continued to do what I was told.
Not but a few moments later, I saw the flashing of red and blue lights. This intrigued me, as like most children I had a fascination with fire trucks so, I assumed this was the same type of lights I liked.

Next.. “The door busted open and three people came flying in with a bed on wheels. The immediately ran to where the noise came from and family members cleared the area.”

Fixed a small grammar error..

The door busted open and three people came running in with a stretcher. They immediately ran to where the noise came from and family members cleared the area.

Next A little grammar fix included. “
Running through peoples legs and fighting my way to get as close to the kitchen as possible, Dad finally grabbed me and told me, “Everything will be all right bud.” I looked over his shoulders as he began to walk me back towards my room and I saw that Mom was lying on that bed. I wondered to myself, “Where are those men taking mom, maybe it’s a type of ride.” Right before we got to my room, she turned over towards me, with tears rolling down her face and one hand tightly grasping the cloths on her chest. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to tell me something or not. But it looked like she was in a great amount of pain.”

Fixes here..

“Running through people's legs and fighting my way to get as close to the kitchen as possible, dad finally grabbed me and said me, “Everything will be all right bud.” I looked over his shoulders as he began to walk me back towards my room and I saw that my mom was lying on that bed. I wondered to myself, “Where are those men taking mom, maybe it’s a type of ride.” Right before we got to my room, she turned over towards me, with tears rolling down her face and one hand tightly grasping the cloths on her chest. I couldn’t tell if she was trying to tell me something or not. But it looked like she was in a great amount of pain.”

Well, sorry If it looks like I dissected your work, just trying to help.

[Daydreaming]

Thank you for the outstanding review and I will take all points into consideration.

[McBear]

That is no problem c: I am happy to help