Genetics

This is my idea of a short story.

It was a rainy soulless night as I was walking down the quiet shallow street. I hate when it does this, it always rains on my birthday. My mother told me when I was born the sun was shining through the window. No clouds in the sky but only a pleasant afternoon of cherry blossoms blooming and my birth. That’s how I was given my name; Sakura. This is why ever since I was ten, on my way to school and at night, I visit the cherry blossom field that my mom named me after.

You would think of an amazing field you could lay in for hours and never get tired. Every tree grown to a large beautiful size and an amazing aura you could die for. Never, ever on my birthday. They would start losing their color and die out days before they would fully bloom and I never understood why. On this night, just like always I walk into the field and sit down on a bench. I take out my sketchpad that I’ve had for years and drew the same drawing that i’ve been drawing ever since I wondered how these blossoms looked like when in full bloom.

In the corner of my eye I see a tall guy around my age with a pink umbrella and pink shorts admiring the dullness of the field. There was no way a sane man would wear shorts on a day like this. I couldn’t stop staring at him. Was it his shorts or his pink umbrella? He walks with slow passionate movements always careful to never step on a crack. He looked lost but I felt like he's been here before.

“You can sit here if you want!” I shout quietly just enough for him to hear my echo. The sound of voice makes me cringe so I sit straight on the bench and clear my throat.

He turns back and smiles gently, “Oh so nice of you, I’m Izumi.” He takes a seat in the vacant spot on the right of me.

“You’re going to get pneumonia” I tell him.

“From what?”

I sit there dazzled staring at him like he was crazy. “What?! It’s cold and pouring and you're wearing shorts?!”

Smiling at my aggravated red cheeky face he says, “So what, it’s April. Aren’t we supposed to be wearing spring clothes? I want to be free and do as I please; not let weather or anything else get in my way.”

Before my brain can process, my lips speak for me, “Be free?”

“Can I tell you something?”

He turns away from me and stares into the blankness of what is left of the blossom field. Before I can respond he stands up and holds out his hand.

This left a blank expression on my face as my brain scattered as I tried to process. His words and his actions left me speechless.

“Oh sorry” He pulls back his hand but still keeps his smile. “Follow me”

“Umm sure.”

He leads me toward the middle of the distraught field and stops.

“My brother died right here on this day six years ago.”

“How?! What happened?!” His expression was emotionless but playful at the same time. Is this guy joking with me?!

Without looking at me he bends down and picks up a little cherry blossom. “I’ve seen you here everyday for the past 6 years ever since my brother died on this day.

“Umm” I slowly back away starting with my left foot. Six years?! He’s been stalking me for the past six years? Why?! Why would I even follow a stranger that doesn’t even answer my questions?! I can feel my heartbeat steadily getting faster, beating in my chest.

“Have you always wondered why these trees die around this time?

My left foot stops in mid air and I set it on the ground, remaining silent. All I can hear is thumping of the rain hitting the grass synthesising with my heartbeat like a song.

“This time no funny buisness...explain.”

“Funny business?” He turns around and smiles. “Oh sorry, I never answered any of your questions. I’ll start with my brother, sit down.” He drops down to the ground, crosses his legs, and pats the grass inferring me to sit next to him.

“W...What the hell is wrong with you?! I’m not sitting down!”

“Well i’m not saying anything unless you sit down with me.”

I can’t believe this guy. I’ve never met anyone like him before. He’s been stalking me for six years, but is just now talking to me. On top of that he diverts my questions and creates new ones for me to ask! Why am I still here?! He’s cra--

“Um hello? Why are you spacing out?”

So embarrassing! “Uh sorry” I sit down hastily next to him and take a deep breath. I’ve never felt this confused in my life before. All because of a stranger?

He chuckles, without trying to hide his smile at all. “You’re a weird girl.”

“I’m the weird one?! You--” I calm myself down. “Just get on with it!”  

A buzzer goes off on his watch and he jumps up.

“Whoops sorry, I have to get going. I’ll see you tomorrow” He smiles, and then runs off before I can respond, leaving me with a blank expression as my mind races. I stand up and walk home trying to forget… whatever that was.

It’s a new day and words still can’t even explain how chaotic my brain felt after that conversation. If I can even call it a conversation. I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, trying to count all the little patterns waiting for my alarm to ring; 8:00. As soon as it buzzes my mom shouts as loud as she can. “Breakfast ready in five honey!” I could still feel the crumbs on my bed from the birthday cake I had last night; I’m such a slob, but a neat-freak at the same time. Usually on a school day I would always ignore my alarm and set it to snooze dreading for more sleep. But today I was more relaxed and with the flow. I get up, brush my teeth, dress up for school, take two bites out of my waffle, kiss my mom goodbye and walk out the door.

Today is a lot better than yesterday. There are no clouds to be seen and the bright sun showing it’s face. It actually feels like Spring. As I’m walking on my way to school I take a detour to the cherry blossom field. Not many people come here, it’s quite empty especially at a time as early as this. Honestly, I don’t why anyone ever comes here anymore, it’s like a cemetery. The blossoms are almost dead and out of color. As i’m about to take my seat on the bench Izumi passes by me and sits down on the bench I was about to sit on.

“Sorry I ran off like that yesterday, I had to go back home for dinner. Come and sit.” He pats the empty space next to him and smiles.

“Hell no! I’m not playing your games anymore.” Little wrinkles develops in the middle of my forehead as I make my “Upset Face” to scare away people I don’t like.

“Do you still want to know about my brother and about this field?” He says and he keeps his redundant smile.

“I don't care about your brother, what interests me is the field. What do you know about it?”

“I’ll tell you everything if you sit down.” He then slides over to the right of the bench and pats the left side of the seat. “The left side, just the way you like it.”

“H-How...Why are you stalking me?! I have to go to school!” As I turn away and run he grabs my arm. My heartbeat racing so loud I can barely him or anyone else. I fall to the ground and my eyes slowly shut. The last thing I saw...was his smile.

“Woah, wake up sleepy head” He says chuckling.

“W-Where am I? What is this place?” I slowly sit up and realize I am back where I was last night, the middle of the field.

“When I was eight I was living with my brother, mother, and father. We were always a happy family. We shared everything together. The time I saw a dime on the floor to when I scraped my knee on my bicycle. We never had any troubles, we were a typical wealthy family. It was Heaven on Earth until that one dreaded day. My brother fell flat on his face and had a seizure. He had pinks disease. Or as the doctors called it, infantile acrodynia. He had it ever since he was born and never told me until that day. Do you know of pinks disease?”

He tried to hold back his tears but a few drops ran down on his cheek. His smile was gone, I could only feel the crude atmosphere around us trap us inside like a box. I couldn’t speak, all I could do was stare into his eyes and shake my head.

“Me neither.”

He tried to smile but it faded away quickly.

“He never told me anything about his disease. I never really noticed until he told me, but he was constantly in pain. He was always telling me he couldn’t do the things he wanted to do, but never told me why. His life was a living hell and and I was clueless. When he was on his deathbed a few inches from where we’re standing, he told me. I almost wanted to drown in my tears. He held my face up and told me to never to cry for him again. He said, “Live your life how you want to live it. Not how other say to live it. Izumi I don’t care about girls, money, or school. There is only one thing I want to happen. Izumi, promise me, no matter what happens, you will keep on living for me, be free in all that you do.” Before I could respond he let go of me and he passed away, on my birthday.”

His eyes were covered in tears, and he couldn’t look me in the eyes. I didn’t know what to say so I held his hand.

“Thanks.” He sniffles. “Ever since he died these blossoms never fully bloom anymore. That's why I asked you yesterday night.”

“W-What? I-I thought you knew!”

He stops crying, only left with little sniffles. “No not at all. I thought you knew. We are the only people that come in this field.”

“B-But you said you knew!!”

His face turns into a huge question mark. “I never said that.”

“I-I...Give me a minute to think.” What the hell is wrong with this guy! What is wrong with me?! How did I even get into this mess in the first place. Okay...think Sakura, forget this guy, I need to get to school and--

“Hello? Why are you spacing out again?”

“S**t! I totally forgot about school! How late am I?! This is all your fault!”

“School? My fault? I thought you knew.”

“Why would I ask YOU, if I knew about it already?!”

He ponders about my inquiry and snaps his fingers. “Whoops, sorry!”

I slap him as hard as I could leaving an imprint on his left cheek and a hot burning palm on my right hand. “Please leave me alone! I’m sorry about your brother but I need to get to school!”

He holds his left cheek with the same question mark face as before disregarding the pain. “Today is Saturday, why do you need to go to school?”

“Sigh, I need to cool down.” How could I forget that it’s Saturday? Izumi has me in loops the day I met him. Everytime I run, he pulls me back in. Why do I keep falling into his traps?!

“So what's your story?”

“What do you mean?”

“Since you don’t have anywhere to go anymore, tell me why you’re always here.”

“Me? W-Why? I was given the Japanese name of these trees on my birthday. My mom admired them when they were fully blooming as I was born. I sometimes wonder if it was my birth that has something to do with these trees.”

“Maybe you’re cursed. That's why they these trees stop blooming around this time.” He smiles gently, but I wasn’t buying it. I slap him on his left cheek again but softer this time, my hand still hurt from the last one.

“Ouch! Why’d you do that again?! It was a joke!” He put his hand to his cheek again and started laughing. He collapsed to ground as if it was his mattress.

“I’m going to take a nap.”

“A Nap? Right now, on the ground? You can’t be sane!”

“My brother told me to live life as I plea, you should loosen up Squidward.” He chuckles, slowly dozing off.

“Don’t you have somewhere to be? Shouldn’t you be--”

“ZZZ” His loud snore interrupts me as I try to convince him.

“Oh man.” I whisper aloud. I didn’t want to leave him alone by himself so I sat down next to him and grabbed my sketching book. The day was beautiful and i’m spending it with a guy like this. He’s a nice guy after all, attractive, but his personality is very high-maintenance. It makes me go insane, but still draws me closer to him. His past is tragic though, no wonder why he’s like this.

“What were you drawing?” He says sluggishly and he yawns.

He startled me a bit so I reacted by covering my sketches. I try to divert his attention from my sketches to something else. “It’s only been five minutes, why did you wake up so early?”

He looks directly into my eyes and diverts my diversion. “Can I ask you a question Sakura?”

“You already asked me a question, why are you--”

“They said pink disease was genetic. Do you know what means?”

“Genetics? I’ve never heard of that before.”

“Me neither, the doctors tried to take me in for testing but I didn’t want any of it. They couldn’t save my brother so why would I want to be one of their guinea pigs?”

“That's true, I know your brother meant a lot to you and I didn’t get a chance to apologize and say sorry...and for the slap.”

He chuckles, “You mean slaps; plural. And no worries. I will take his words with me forever.”

“I don’t need to ask, but how are you living your life like he would?” I think...just maybe we’re connecting without him acting too crazy. I’m not sure what this feeling in my stomach is, but I...I don’t want it to go away.

“Me... just being free. I don’t care what anyone else thinks. My pink umbrella and shorts, or the way I act. I live life how I want to live it, not by anyone's wishes by my brother. I truly believe his is still with me, inside of me. I keep on having dreams about my brother. Not the terrible memory of his death, but the good times when we used to play ball together. He would throw a ball as hard as he could and make me run for it, then he would hide and it would be a game of hide and seek by the time I got back. He was the best.”

He smiles gently, I’m finally getting to see the lighter non-arrogant side of him.

I smile back, “The way you talk about him makes me want to have a brother too.”

“Being an only child isn’t all it’s said to be. It gets lonely at times.”

“It sure does.”

“You know what I want to do to truly be free. I want to travel anywhere but here. That’s my will.”

For the rest of the day, we talked and bonded. It was just us and our words flowing through each other's ears. The atmosphere didn’t feel like a trapped box anymore, it was free. Things feel much better with company. We decided to get lunch at Sushinobo Restaurant. I thought my mom made the best sushi, but these Japanese bearded men had fast hands and techniques i’ve never seen before. After sushi we walked around the city until it was night and he walked me back to the street where my home was.

“I had fun.” I said smiling. “You were chaotic at first but I think I got the hang of you.”

“So you’ve loosened up, that's good to hear.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow, same place.”

“You too.” He turned around and walked in the opposite direction of me. I stood there for a moment to see if he would turn around; he didn’t. I walk back home and greet my mom.

“How was your day honey?” She said with a gentle smile.

“Chaotic at first; I forgot that it was Saturday. But after that I had a lot of fun.”

“That's great to hear. Who did you hang out it?”

I gulped, I didn’t want mom to know I was spending time with a random boy who’s been stalking me for so many years. “Umm” I say softly. “My girlfriends. We went out to sushi at this amazing place!”

She chuckled, “Hopefully not better than my sushi!”

“You have new competition mom.” I smile back at her and walk upstairs.

I stop on the middle step so my mom couldn’t see me. I’ve never lied to her before. I take a deep breath and continue to my room. If only Izumi was normal.

I have a new schedule now. Usually I would go to the cherry blossom field every morning before school and at night. But because of Izumi I can’t go in the mornings. He would take up a lot of my time and I would be late for class everyday. I don’t mind his company, in fact, I like his company, but it’s for the best if I want to get perfect attendance at school. So I only go at nights.

We’ve been spending a lot of time with each other for the past nine months. Out to lunch, bowling, and the movies but spending most of our time talking in the field. Once a week we go out to the mall and I shop till I drop. Sometimes Izumi can’t keep up with me so I tell him to hold my bags and wait outside. I tell him this is how I live my life free.

I don’t have many friends at school so Izumi is the only one I really enjoy being with. At first his personality was over the top and I couldn’t be near him without wanting to slap him. But i’ve got the hang of it now. Izumi sometimes tells me that i’m becoming more like him. But I think he’s becoming more like me. Down to Earth and subtle.

“You know it’s almost my birthday.” I tell him slowly playing with my hair.

“So is mine. April 21st. I might just sit in my room and--”

I punch him playfully in the arm. “No you won't! You’re spending it with me. We have the same birthday.”

He grips his stomach instead of his arm that I hit him in.

“What’s wrong with you?” I say.

He lets go of his stomach. “You punched me so hard it traveled to my stomach.” He tried to chuckle, but I could tell it hurt.

“You’re such a lady!” I tease

“C’mon grandma!”

“Oh, you asked for it!” We wrestle each other to the ground for about thirty seconds. I get my hair and shirt dirty from his tugging and pulling, but I actually end up pinning him to the grass.

“I win! You getting weaker Izumi?”

“I let you win of course. Sometimes you have to give the dog a bone.” He chuckles.

“You shouldn’t feed recklessly. Keep in mind the dog can crush your hand in one bite.” I chuckle. I realize the erotic position we’re in from wrestling. I’m still on top of him.

“Oops, sorry!” I get off of him as my whole face turns red.

“No worries.” He sits up, gulps hard and starts sweating.

“Did you like that?!”

“Uh no! I’m sorry. I...I--”

“I’m kidding, loosen up Squidward. Why are you so weird today?”

He wipes his sweat. “I’m not sure, I don’t feel too well.”

“Aww, is it because you got beat by a girl?” I smile but a little concerned.

“Haha, funny one Sakura. It’s getting late, we should go back.”

“You worry wart! What happened to always being free. Traveling? It’s only six let's go somewhere. ”

“Sakura you’re crazy!”

“So are you! Maybe for our birthday we could live your dream and go anywhere but here. Whats wrong with that? Plus you got company.”

“The idea sounds great, we’ll talk about it later.” He stands up and holds his hand. I slap it away playfully and lay down on the ground.

“Nope, I’m going to take a nap!”

“Sakura!?”

I laugh and stare up at the night sky. The grass feels so comfortable and the night air feels so relaxing. I didn’t even want to sleep, I just wanted to scare him a bit. Oh well, I guess i’m becoming more like Izumi, relaxed and with the flow. It only took about four minutes for me to wake up.

I yawn, holding my hand to mouth. “Izumi where did you go?” I wouldn’t think he would leave me here alone.

“Oh Sakura, you’ve woken up.” He says choking and coughing.

I turn around and see Izumi lying down on the grass, blood in the corner of his mouth, pupils dilated and red.

“I...Izumi, what happened!” I checked his heartbeat; faint and elusive.

“Are you dying?! Why! Why now?!?” I say softly as tears run down my cheek.

“Shh...D-Don’t cry. He shifts his head towards my face and softly grunts.

“I understand why my brother kept it a secret. I didn’t want you to worry Sakura. I have pink's disease too.

“You have it too? H-How is that possible?”

“It’s genetics.” He smiles gently but quickly fades away.

“This wasn’t supposed to happen! We were going to travel together!” I couldn’t help but cry. I wanted to scream but the pain hurt so bad my words turned into small whisper. I slowly wipe the blood from the corner of his mouth.

Izumi looks me in the eyes, I can tell he’s crying but trying to hold it back. He holds my cheek and slowly leans closer. Our lips; just a few centimeters from touching.

“Inherit my will Sakura, live on for me.” A tear slowly drops from his eye to his cheek. He’s gone...His hand carries no weight and his face has no life. I’m too scared to check his heartbeat. I lay his head on the ground and close his eyes. My body freezes, unable to move. All I can do is cry over his body and remember his last words.

“Inherit my will.”

“Inherit my will.”

“Inherit my will.”

Author's Note

Reviews and tips would be nice :))

Reviews

[Shannon]

I found the story lovely continue to write stories like this yet either short or longer!

[JayG]

Interesting. And I don’t often say that on this site. It needs editing badly, though. And it appears that you’re trying to make it more immediate by using present tense. But tense and person changes nothing. Make it more immediate with a strong character viewpoint. Remember, no matter the tense, and person, you use, for the protagonist as you tell the story it’s always “now” for them. So the moment you explain things as an outside observer, the reader is with the narrator, in memory, not on the scene.

• It was a rainy soulless night as I was walking down the quiet shallow street.

“It was” and “I was,” distances the reader from the scene. They’re external references. Small things like, “Rain, cold and soulless dampened my face as I walked…” can make the reading more immediate, because it’s in the protagonist’s “now,” not that of the narrator. It matters not at all that the narrator once experienced the events. They cannot appear on stage with the person who’s living them and seem real because they live at different times.

Personally, I have no clue of how a given night can be soulless, or what a shallow street is. You have intent guiding your perceptions as you read, but intent doesn’t make it to the page, so as a reader I can only use what the words suggest based on MY background. And that's true of all readers, so the best solution is to make them all become your protagonist, and use HER background.

• I hate when it does this, it always rains on my birthday.

This is what’s called a comma splice, connecting two independent sentences with a comma in place of a period. Avoid them. But more than that, you’re over-explaining—and, placing effect before cause. We learn that this unknown person hates “this” before we learn what “this” is. But if it always rains, and the person is outside, must you tell the reader they’re not happy? Show them. Have the character do or say something that makes us know the mood, even something like pulling a hood forward to intercept the rain. And mention something feminine, so the reader knows their gender. Remember, some of your readers may not recognize the name as far as gender.

• This is why ever since I was ten, on my way to school and at night, I visit the cherry blossom field that my mom named me after.

Doesn’t track. You say “this is why,” but I have no clue of why it began from ten, not seven, or fifteen—or how long it's been going on.

• You would think of an amazing field you could lay in for hours and never get tired.

I have not a clue of why a field might, or might not get tired, lay anywhere, or be amazing. This paragraph has no context for the reader. What you’re doing is explaining things within the story that the reader has no touch-points for, based on your mental vision of the scene.

• They would start losing their color and die out days before they would fully bloom(period)

This is the thought and deserves a period. After this line is the time to tell the reader the response, which would be to wonder why they died, not simply report it. Expressed that way the reader will share her curiosity. As originally stated it’s a fact, devoid of curiosity—and of the hook that will entice the reader to continue.

• On this night, just like always I walk into the field and sit down on a bench.

We already know what night it is. We’ve been told the protagonist does this every year. Why waste words saying it again. Why waste words saying “sit down” when the reader is not going to think you mean “sit up” if you say “sit.” Every unnecessary word removed speeds the reading. Every unnecessary word dilutes the excitement.

But bench? What bench? Why would there be a bench? And a moment ago we were on a street, not a road, so we assume we’re in town. So where did the field come from? This doesn’t track. I’m also confused as to what a cherry blossom field is. Cherry tree makes sense. Cherry trees in bloom or in blossom make sense, but if it’s an orchard, why benches. If it’s a park, with ornamental cherries, say so.

• I take out my sketchpad that I’ve had for years and drew the same drawing that i’ve been drawing ever since I wondered how these blossoms looked like when in full bloom.

First, it’s night, and it’s raining, so there’s no moon. She can’t see the trees to draw, and can’t draw in the rain. And, what difference does it make if it’s a new book or one used before? That news report serves only to slow the narrative.

• In the corner of my eye I see a tall guy around my age with a pink umbrella and pink shorts admiring the dullness of the field.

How can the term “my age” mean anything to a reader who doesn’t know how old she is? How can she tell, in the dark (or even in the light), if he’s “admiring” anything? And without reading his mind, how can she conclude things about his thoughts? That he's looking is all she can know. Your characters can only know what they observe, or bring with them.

• He walks with slow passionate movements always careful to never step on a crack.

First, in front of a mirror, walk with “slow passionate movements.” When you stop laughing, rephrase. Next: They are, by your words, in a field. And he sits on grass, so there are no cracks. And in any case it’s night and raining. And: how in the hell can she approach the field and not see him?

And...she's been coming to draw at night since ten years old? And no one either came with or said no, you can't go out in the rain at night?

What you’re doing is making it up as you go, from the viewpoint of the storyteller, and for effect. But you’re assigning the characters actions based on the needs of YOUR plot.

Place yourself in HER viewpoint. BE her. And always be conscious, as she is, of what’s going on around her. So if it’s raining she gets wet. And if she sits on wet grass she’s either thankful she’s wearing a rain-suit or reacts to getting a soggy bottom. She will NOT sit on rain soaked grass without taking that into account. And she WILL ask him why being wet doesn’t seem to bother him.

The story is interesting. But story takes second place to human reaction, so instead of assigning her reactions, make them the result of her education, experience, needs, and everything else that makes her, her. Then she’ll tell you of any disconnects or spots where you’re asking her to do what’s not in her nature.

And as an important point, always do your research. Pinks is a form of mercury poisoning, so it's environmental, not genetic.

That aside, this article is a good way of maintaining the protagonist’s viewpoint.
http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

And you can’t go wrong taking a look at Debra Dixon’s, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict. It’s a warm, easy read, and will help you place your jewel into the best possible setting.

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[A Humble Poet]

Wow that was so beautiful and sad at the end! I was not expecting for Izumi to have pinks disease too, woah! So wonderful! Really great job! ^_^

[DayDreamer]

Haha thank you. I never expected him to have the disease either. I thought they would kiss too but it was better if they didn't. :)

[A Humble Poet]

Yes! I thought they would but then... Gah nothing! I just sat there in awe at everything that happened. Fabulous!

[DayDreamer]

Thank you, thank you :) Even though the story seemed sweet, I didn't want it to have a happy ending.

[A Humble Poet]

OM THAT WAS AMAZING! You shouldn't have doubted yourself! There was the perspective amount of description in it and I was hooked throughout the whole thing! Full ratings! :)