Falling away

Just a little something that popped out of my head and onto a page about change

There are petals floating on the oceans surface

  Drifting with the wind and tide

     Each one a memory,

        Each a dream of days gone by

 

Watching them pull away

The bleeding sun

As it drips in the horizon.

 

I feel the life I know pool where I can't quite see;

        There has always been this lingering feeling

            That one day

                These fleeting moments

Will leave me naked to the undertow

With dreams of wind and rain.

Reviews

[beautiful dreamer]

Oh this is beautiful!!! Very well done. Beautiful imagery. Beautiful message. Beautiful simply beautiful.

[quinfinn]

gorgeous little write, awash with beautiful imagery and some very cleverly used wording. the last two lines are platinum!

[LJW]

I feel the life I know pool where I can't quite see.

That is a brilliant line.

This whole piece is lovely. Compact . Concise. Carries a strong message and strong imagery.

Excellent work . The only thing I am unsure of is the way you formatted it. 90 / 100

[Pete Langley]

I think what you have achieved with this poem is very elusive.....the making real of that indefinable quality that makes it a piece of art...."I feel the life I know pool where I can`t quite see" is the heart of a beautiful piece. P.

[Leslie Philibert]

Great use of verses here, the two fragmented quatrains, the triplet and the one line at the end, so technically finely written as well as having a good content..

[ChemicalMadness]

There is certainly some stellar imagery at play here...you could have no better roomsoulwritingmate.....

I tripped a bit over some if the longer lines...I would rather see the "I feel the life I know" line break at know or pool....for some reason, as a single line, I find it very cumbersome. However, I love the line....it just needs to be broken (for me).

Love the fleeing moments leaving you naked...those lines work so well!

There's a palpable sense of uncertainty and maybe disappointment and anxiety...I like the softness of the last few lines....like all is not right, but that might not be so bad....

CM

[Fabiana]

Thank you!

I get what you mean about spacing it out a little more. It works a little smoother in that part.

[Clockwork]

I really like the point this piece progresses to. It has a very zen like feel with the way you described your feelings toward the wind and the rain. There is no attachment, just acceptance of the elements and the next part of your journey. Also, I like the dreamlike sort of atmosphere in the first stanza with the mention of memory and the passing days.

You know what, I also like the way you rearranged the end stanza and the line lengths. This line really resonated with me: "I feel the life I know pool where I can't quite see;"

Also the image of the bleeding sun is particularly vivid. I get a deep red sunset sort of vibe from it. I like this poem more each time I read it.