Swan Dive

 

The windows were open

The night air was cold,

The curtains were blowing

Like ribbons of gold,

We stood there forever

Both Henry and me,

The night his wife dived

Off the balcony.

 

We looked at each other

We each shook our head,

And waited to hear if

The poor girl was dead,

I looked at my watch

It was just after three,

When Gwendoline dived

Off the balcony.

 

I waited a moment, then:

'What did I say?

Was that a faux pas about

You in Calais?

Or did she take umbrage

When I poured the tea?

Is that why she jumped

Off the balcony?'

 

'Don't think for a moment,

Old chap,' he had said,

'I thought she had mumbled

And stumbled to bed!

She'd said she had someone

Tomorrow to see,

So why would she dive

Off the balcony?'

 

We walked very gingerly

Out through the door,

And peered on down from

The fifty-sixth floor,

I thought I could see a small

Splat by a tree,

Just where she had dived

Off the balcony.

 

Could that be your Gwendoline,

There on the ground?

That's funny, she dived all

That way, made no sound!

Not one little scream -

Did you hear?' - 'Not me!'

When Gwendoline dived

Off the balcony.

 

The police galloped up

By the lift, through the doors,

'That splat in the courtyard, sir,

Could it be yours?'

Then Henry admitted that

It could well be,

His wife, who had dived

Off the balcony!

 

They made us go down with

A bucket and mop:

'Clean up every vestige,

Remove every drop!

You can't go round leaving

Wives haphazardly,

Whenever they dive

Off the balcony!'

 

They made us feel humble,

We lowered our heads,

I picked up her armpits,

He mopped up her legs,

But bits of her weren't where

In truth, they should be,

When Gwendoline dived

Off the balcony.

 

Much later he told me that

Wives one and two,

Had left in the very same way,

I said, 'True?'

It seems Gwendoline had been

Wife number three,

Who'd taken a dive

Off the balcony.

 

Now Henry has married

Again, number four,

He's moved his apartment down

To the ground floor,

He locks all his windows

And tells Stephanie,

'Don't ever you dive like

Wives one, two and three!'

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[emmajoy]

Ohhhhhhh what a crazy, wonderful, wicked post!

I love the black humour of this, it's dreadful and funny at the same time, especially stanza nine. Last line of each adds to the fun... fun?!

Will read more of your posts to see if they're as tongue in cheek funny

[Legion]

lol and how absurd. Once again, another great story. Love the ending. Only thing I could fault is the title. Should have been called "Swine Dive" , but to each its own. ;)