The Plot

The one ingredient any good story can't be without.

 

My class were all slow payers,

And they weren't the best of stayers

When they came along to evening classes

Straight from keeping shop,

So I'd try to entertain them

Though I knew I'd rather brain them,

All I wanted was some input

When their heads began to drop.

 

'Come on guys and girls, get with it,'

I would clap my hands, 'let's live it!'

'Give me three basic ingredients

You need to build a plot!'

'A beginning,' said one joker,

'...and an end....' - (I thought I'd choke her!)

But I couldn't get a 'middle' from them,

That was all they'd got!

 

'You told me you were writers

That you burn the midnight light as

Other people lie there sleeping

While you wield your mighty pens.

You've got 'character' and 'colour'

As you like to tell each other,

But without a plot you haven't got

A story for your friends.'

 

'All you've given me - Moon Bayers,

And a host of Vampire Slayers

And some Super Hero wielding powers

Not you, nor I have got,

And a princess who's a virgin

With some hanger on, an urchin,

Come on folks! - there's not a virgin

Over fifteen worth a drop!'

 

'What we need are real people,

Keep it real and keep it simple

From the hair down to the dimple

(That you shouldn't know she's got!)

Use the guy who drives the tanker,

Or the fat and balding Banker

Who's been betting on the Gee Gee's

And is skimming off the top.'

 

'Or the girl there, in the city

Who's naive, but very pretty

When she meets the married businessman

Who takes her out to lunch,

Then invites her back for 'drinkies'

As he gives his pal the wink, he's

Only working on the plot he's got

To wake, just after brunch.'

 

I went home and had a brandy,

And I followed with a shandy,

I had always found it handy

To get drunk, right after class,

For this lot would do my head in

Every day I lay there dreading

What I'd teach them about storylines...

I drained another glass!

 

Then I heard a weird commotion

Like some fool had got the notion

To break in on my devotion while

I sipped my brandy there,

Then he hit me, knocked me silly

When I woke, I noticed Billy

And his dopey girlfriend Philly,

They had tied me to my chair.

 

They were not the best of students,

He wrote thrillers, she wrote rude ones,

But they didn't have a plot between them,

Much to my despair,

I had teased and hinted, needled,

And at times I even wheedled,

But their minds were blank of any plot

You'd even want to share.

 

'We're going to keep you tied until

You open up, inside, and fill us

In on where you keep the plots

For every single scene,

You must keep them in a box...

Here Philly, better check his socks,

While I go up and check his jocks,

He's sneaky, watch him 'cos he's mean!'

 

'You like to think you're writers,'

I had snorted, 'God Almight-us!

Here's a plot as good and tight as

Any plot - but here it stops!

You're the robber, I'm the Baron,

She's the Moll you hang your hat on,

But my wife, whose name is Sharon

Has just gone to call the cops!'

 

Billy turned, and in his fury

Overturned the writing bureau

I had bought from Madame Curie's

With its secret knobs and drawers,

And my papers from within it

Spilled on out, and in a minute

He had found my little secret,

Every plot I'd ever scored.

 

I resigned from teaching writers

Claimed amnesia, which despite us

Has persisted quite as tight as

All the stories I forgot,

Billy's on the run with Philly

But I hope they don't get silly,

They will catch them in a jiffy

If they write a single plot.

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Valentine]

David, I am laughing with this tale..While I was reading it it almost had a rhythm of its own like a song..You are so amazing..How in the world you can come up with such wonder in your stories that a reader wants to hang on to make sure he gets all of it right to the end..this one is funny and brilliant..loved it..God bless and thank you for asking me to read this as I will be laughing for a while this evening..God bless..Valentine

[Norma J. Jessee]

David, this poem displays the kind of wit and attention to the odd detail
that will be familiar to everyone who reads your work on a regular basis.
"Darkly Whimsical"........ There are plenty of laughs but also lessons to be
learned from this poem, along with your colorful characters, including a
couple of satisfying creepy protagonists who are neither a hero nor an
anti-hero, but just crazy people.
Brilliant Plot !!!!!!!

[Fabian G. Franklin]

Reminiscent of the humor of Jonathan Swift and his comments on being the Dean at Oxford. Funny stuff.

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

This was cute and entertaining. As always I enjoyed the flow of the story, the ending I wasn't too happy with. I guess I was looking for some great writers secret I didn't know :)

[Rain]

I might be wrong, and probably am, but I always thought writing was like being able to fix a car. Some people seem to have a certain knack for it. I think they call it mechanical aptitude. Are writers like that ? Some people are born with this ability to create, while others seem clueless. This was a very clever, funny piece. I remember my shop teacher telling me I was the worst student he'd ever taught, and he had been teaching for 30 years. lol. I just didn't get it. Everyone told me shop was easy. I hated that. For people who were inclined to work with tools and blades, it was simple. For me, it was so difficult. Your piece makes it look easy. For some of your students they must feel totally lost. They have the dream, but not the talent. I suppose you can teach some basic knowledge, but teaching them creativity must drive you to drink. lol. I loved this. Rain..

[David Lewis Paget]

Thanks for pointing that out, Michael.
Perhaps I should explain (for our American cousins and others) that a 'shandy' is a schooner of beer with a dash of lemonade. It takes away the bitter taste, and is often favoured by people here on a hot day, those who wouldn't normally drink beer. (Also, though not in the script, a 'black and tan' is a schooner of beer with a dash of stout, and a 'port o' gaff' is a schooner of lemonade with a dash of stout, the amount of each according to taste).

[Michael]

I could never teach writing, I become too invested in people for that. It is a really good accounting of the short-sighted nature of a good number of writer's. As you point out, anyone can keep your attention for a paragraph, it takes a plot to tie the paragraphs together.

Well done my friend!

PS: You may have to forgive some of your American cousins on missing the meaning of "shandy." Not all of us have had the advantage of travel and it is not a common drink here.