Salomé

A romp through Amateur Dramatics

The play was called Salomé, and we

Thought it was an omen when

The girl that played the leading part

Was stricken with the mumps,

So we had to get a new one, and we

Called on Mrs. Newman, who was

Thirty, going forty, and too

Large around the rump.

 

There was little we could choose from

In the cast, if we should lose one,

So the stand-ins were recruited from

The Geriatric Home,

There was Barney, who'd gone missing

On a trip to Little Gissing, though

His body had returned, he'd left

His faculties to roam.

 

Then Madge and Mavis Murray were

Recruited in a hurry to

Supply their famous curry

To the audience, at the break.

When we asked them of the Matron

She said, 'go ahead and take them!'

For the ulcers of our Patron had

Been keeping her awake.

 

The rehearsals were exciting, and

The changes rung like lightning

'Til the player playing Herod slipped

And fell right off the stage.

So we had to bring on Barney, who'd

Been in the British Army, but

Who didn't like the guy who played

The Prophet in the play.

 

They had been out there with Rommel,

One a Private, one a Colonel,

In the Regimental Journal

Barney didn't get his say.

Now he got to play King Herod who

Would see this Prophet buried

When Salomé asked the Prophet's head

Delivered on a tray.

 

I was worried about Barney, who

I thought a little barmy,

Then the printer spelt  - 'Salami'

On the program for the play.

I was livid, I was raging,

It was so humiliating

That I almost cancelled everything

And gave the show away.

 

On the night they raised the curtain

Our Salomé was uncertain,

When she did the dance of seven veils

The audience had cheered.

There were only twenty seven from

The village, Little Bevington,

She'd quite forgot her underwear

And quickly disappeared.

 

I called for intermission while

I handled the confusion, but

The blushing Mrs. Newman wouldn't

Come back on the stage,

So she stood behind the curtain and

Called out to Barney Burton

'I only want the Prophet's head

Delivered on a tray!'

 

Barney seemed to quiver, almost

Like he'd lost his liver,

Then he turned toward the Prophet

And he grabbed him by the beard.

Then he pulled him right toward him

And he grabbed the Captain's sword and

Then he flashed and gashed and gored him,

I said 'Stop!' - He never heard!

 

A sudden hush descended, this

Was not what we intended,

Then the sword came down to part

The Prophet from his skinny neck,

Then the head fell on the table as

The neck began to gurgle,

And the audience sat stunned until

A few began to clap.

 

We all were still as statues as they

Clapped and threw their hats, and so

We turned like cornered rats, and smiled,

And then we took a bow.

But then, from out the kitchen was

The clash of dish and fish in as

The Murray sisters claimed the stage -

'You want your curry now?'

 

The audience, long scattered, sit

At night, when people chatter, and

They talk about Salomé and

The sight they saw that night;

'When that seventh veil came orf an'

We could see it was an orphan,

Did you see her belly button - Gawd!

Now wasn't that a sight!'

 

I have given up directing since the

Police have quit dissecting all the

Aspects of Salomé that just

Didn't come out right.

Though I tried to resurrect it so

They wouldn't disrespect it, but

I couldn't get a man to play

The Prophet, on the night.

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Linda Marie Van Tassell]

O! This is completely charming, hilariously funny, and writ with the warmth of one with wit. Not only was the story engaging, but it had a sing-song quality due to the rhyme scheme that rendevouzed the reader from one line to the next.

This was indeed a pleasure to read! Thank you for the joy!

Linda Marie Van Tassell

[Silent Kim aka mizmetap..]

Interesting.

[Valentine]

David, you mind must go in circles dreaming up all of these fantastic tales..I wish I had your memory and gift of detail..You need these put oput for all of the world to see.You are brilliant my friend,,say hi to the misses,,God bless..Valentine

[Aspiring Angel]

Oh this is wonderful! Sounds like quite a night was had by all, but as our friend Ray has stated just below me I bet the dance of the seven veils was enjoyed by all except for Mrs Newman. LOL I tell you too to be sure and take a bow. This was both entertaining and hillarious. Great write. Blessings, Lesa

[Ray Hamilton]

I enjoyed this very much
This play is a must see, but I suspect in was a one night only LOL
The dance of the seven veils
I'm sure was a big hit
Even if she showed her tail
This play gives a new meaning to bring the curtain down LOL
Wonderful write as always
Ray



PS don't forget to take a bow

[Wildfleour]

Finally, our writings intersect in some way (I doubt ever in style the twain shall meet). I wrote a poem about Salome quite a while ago. :)

Of course this is hilarious and mine was much more sober (I need to lighten up...smile.)

[Norma J. Jessee]

Hillarious !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see though why one would have a problem
getting someone to play the part of the prophet.
Another master piece David.
I love it, Can't wait to see what you are going to unveil next.
Keep them coming, you seem to be on a roll.

[Poeticpiers]

Absolutel hilariou david I wish I could have seen that production in all its gory reality