The Flowerbed Phone

The phone had only been on a day

When the cranky calls began,

‘Nobody knows we’re on,’ I said,

When at first the damn thing rang.

I had to run up the passageway

To catch it before it stopped,

Then there was just an awesome hush

Like a tree before it’s lopped.

 

The line dropped out at the first ‘hello’

As if they would wait for me

To run the length of the passageway,

Expend all that energy,

I’m sure they laughed as they cut me off

Though of course, I couldn’t hear,

‘It’s dead again,’ I would rage and froth

‘Though it must be someone near.’

 

‘It better not be your stupid friend,’

I said to my wife, Diane,

‘The one that’s such a comedienne

Who annoys me when she can.’

‘It isn’t her,’ was Diane’s reply

In her testy, haughty tone,

‘She wouldn’t ring when she knows I’m here,

But wait till you’re home alone.’

 

But the phone rang every evening,

At the high point of our show,

Just as they named the villain, and

I nodded to her to go.

‘You go,’ she’d say, ‘I’ve worked all day,

And it really is your phone,’

I’d grit my teeth up the passageway

And rage at it on my own.

 

I finally let it ring and ring

And refused to pick it up,

‘I’ll teach them never to mess with me,’

As I drank a second cup,

A truck arrived in the morning and

It dumped a ton of twine

Blocking all of the driveway while

Some clown said it was mine!

 

‘I never ordered this blasted twine,

You should have come to the door,

Confirmed the order you say you had,

What would I want it for?’

‘We got the order over the phone

So we rang, with no reply,

Somebody said you don’t pick up

You’re such an eccentric guy.’

 

I always answered it after that,

And after the pig dung treat,

Fifteen tons, and the smell had hung

The length of our angry street,

We tried to tell them it wasn’t us

We said it must be the phone,

I know that I would have picked it up

If only I had been home.

 

We never did get a proper call,

One where somebody spoke,

I don’t think anyone likes me, and

That phone’s a pig in a poke,

I went outside and I cut the cord

To the world who scorned our line,

Then went inside where the blasted phone

Still rang, one final time.

 

I picked it up and I snapped, ‘Who’s that!’

And a voice came on the line,

It wasn’t a voice I knew, it spat

And it gruffly asked the time,

‘You’ve cut us off from the Internet,

I hope you’re feeling spry,

We live in your rhododendrons, and

You’ve made the fairies cry!’

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Celie Rose]

I liked your poem. Good theme and well expressed. Loved the ending, ‘You’ve cut us off from the Internet,
I hope you’re feeling spry,
We live in your rhododendrons."You’ve made the fairies cry!’
What an interesting twist. Well written

[Lyndy]

This is a funny one. I quite enjoy it! :D

[A Soap Mess Stories]

Another excellent tale...a pleasure to read...

[Breanna Riddle]

This is very creative and humorous poem and i really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for sharing!

[ANTO]

The hush just before a tree is lopped - amazing phrase DLP.

"Somebody said you don’t pick up
You’re such an eccentric guy..." - hah lmao - hoisted by his own petard. Brilliant !!

The little people will have their fun!!

I loved the ending - fairies on the Interweb - ordering fairy cakes perhaps?

Wonderfully witty David my dear talented friend.

[Relic]

A humorous tale with an ending I didn't expect David. If I could only have half of your talent I'd be happy. Great work.

[R Smith]

haha, brilliant David, an ending no way I saw coming, I was expecting a haunting maybe, especially when it rang after being cut but fairies at the bottom of the garden!! Fabulous work! Internet Fairies! Genius! Loved it :)

[Valentine]

Thank you for my come back from the flu bug laugh. Doesn't pay to mess with those flower bed phones. Valentine

[Jane Winters Rogers]

You make me lol with your fabulous imagination.... Haha"I always answered it after the pig dung treat"
OMG!!!what a mess, ' first twine then dung'...the poor guy. When he said 'I don't think anyone likes me' and cut the cord to the world...I could just see this guy slowly going mad.,.the last phone call was a ominous threat to the guy's very life!!......now I wonder what those Faries will do to him, what? Left with no internet??.....there's more mischief on the way for sure.....because he made the little fairy''a cry....what a great fun tale you wrote....a breath of fresh air, or should I say, pig dug! Lol....you are a funny man, full of magical treats for us to enjoy....thank you for sharing your " magic" with all of us....