A Chaste Affair

When the King rode off to the old Crusades

He was leaving his Queen behind,

Safe in the hands of his former aids

He was coy, but he wasn’t blind.

He kept her locked in a chastity belt

And hid the key in his gaol,

Then swore the Gaoler to guard it well

Though the gaoler went quite pale.

 

How could he give a ‘No’ to a Queen,

Or ‘No’ to her favourite Earl,

So he perspired when the King retired

And travelled half round the world.

The Queen was troubled, she said it chafed

And demanded he give her the key,

‘But no, My Lady, I wouldn’t dare,

It would mean the end for me.’

 

‘Do you think he’ll even remember your face

By the time that he gets back home?

I’ll have you gutted, and then replaced

While he’s still out there to roam.

I’ll ask the headsman to bring his axe,

The hangman to bring his rope,

And six fine horses to tear you apart

If you think there’s a spark of hope.’

 

‘Your pardon, Lady, I gave my oath

And am bound by the King’s decree,

He swore I’d burn in a barrel of tar

If ever I give up the key.’

‘Then I shall boil you in oil,’ she said,

‘And strip the skin from your bones,

I’ll feed your fat to the pigs,’ she said,

‘And take delight in your moans.’

 

He sought protection from higher up,

The Earl had noticed his plight,

And said, ‘I’ll send you my personal guard

If you lend me the key one night.

I’ll guard it well, and you’ll get it back

When the sun comes up at dawn,

Not a word of this shall pass my lips

As I stand, an Earl has sworn.’

 

The gaoler gibbered in fear and grief

He could see his head on a spike,

‘I can’t conspire with your lord’s desire

No matter how much I’d like.

The key is hid in a secret place

That is only known to the King,

He hid it where there would be no trace,

It’s only a tiny thing.’

 

The Earl then sent his guards to the gaol

And they tore the place apart,

While searching for the chastity key

To settle his troubled heart.

The Queen sat in her apartments, on

A cushion of fine brocade,

It helped to ease where the belt had teased,

And hid where the Earl had played.

 

The key they found, hid under a slab

At the base of the dungeon door,

And soon the lovers were lain together

The chastity belt on the floor.

The months went by in a lovers sigh

Til the King and his knights rode back,

Their shields and helmets worn and dented

In Saladin’s fierce attack.

 

The Queen’s trim figure was rather big

When the key was put to the belt,

It’s hard to know what a King would show,

And harder to know what he felt.

But he burnt the Earl in a barrel of tar

And the gaoler did what he said,

He lowered the Queen in a barrel of oil

Til it bubbled up over her head.

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[andrew mitchell]

A great old yarn here David reminds me of Sir Lancelot Confucius said Adultery not a bad thing just sex with wrong person or something like that and how barbaric were the tortures in those days which I read on facebook, an absorbing read, just terrible the cruelty!

[Avinash]

I was feeling sorry for the Goaler until the last lines. Several times we get into a situation where we have no say but we are at risk of loosing all.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

I'll have to read up on the Crusades after reading this. I had a small lesson back in junior high, but didn't pay much mind. Interesting read David.

[Lyndy]

Nice poem and well written, it's very interesting! :D

[R Smith]

that's justice i'd say, the Earl and the Queen gone and forgotten but the gaoler lives to fight another day, good for him and you with this tale from the middle ages, sad but i'm sure in many cases very true, great writing David :)

[ANTO]

well buckle my swash DLP
Saladin and the Crusades
and Earls who cant keep
it in their chain mail.
You jump in and out of history
with the ease of a time-lord
and whats best is you take us with you and don't leave our emotions behind either.
What a jaunt. Excellent. I feared the worst for the gaoler but the King seems to have been a wise old soul (if a bit drastic).
Brilliant David. Always a pleasure my friend.

[Barbz]

Lust and Revenge.....who could describe it so dramatically......Sometimes your pen is just Bloody Evil......and other times..........your soft side appears.......but not too often!! It's All Good!! Barbz

[Jennie Baron]

Enormously entertaining. I was afraid the gaoler would suffer unjustly for obeying the king's orders, so I was very relieved. Wonderful tale as always, David!

[Frozen Eyes]

Old tale in fresh words.. Loved it :)

[Marie]

I believe the old saying "Love laughs at locksmiths" originated from the time of chastity belts. This was no laughing matter, however. Why you called it a "CHaste" affair, I don't know. It was anything but.