Like Mother...

Like Mother...

A Poem by David Lewis Paget

When I met, and married my wife,

I opened a secret door,

I knew that her mother, Grace, was strange

But I didn’t know what for.

They spoke so low that I couldn’t hear

In a mother/daughter pact,

But Ellen, she was my holy grail

Til I found it was an act.

 

I’d been brought up in the English way

Of roast beef, fruit and veg,

The mint that grew and the rhubarb too

By our garden’s privet hedge,

I didn’t know there were other things

That were quite beyond my ken,

But she’d come up through a different school

Though I didn’t know it then.

 

They say you should check the mother out

If you want to save your tears,

For what the mother is like right now

Is your wife in thirty years,

And Grace was skinny and pastie-faced

With a rock-hard, gimlet eye,

While Ellen was soft and curvy then

And just a trifle shy.

 

Grace was running a cuisine club

For the village ladies all,

Every Wednesday they’d go en masse

Down to the village hall,

Ellen said there were treats in store

But I didn’t really see,

Not til she brought it home with her

That she’d try it out on me.

 

The first of the treats she brought on home

Almost knocked me through a loop,

I said, ‘What’s that in the steaming bowl,’

And she answered ‘Batwing soup.

You might need a knife and fork for it,

The wings have a leathery feel,

It won’t take long to get used to it

It tastes a little like eel.’

 

After I’d gagged and choked a bit

I managed to keep some down,

I said, ‘I’d rather have beef, my love,’

But she stood awhile, and frowned,

‘I’ve made you a special omelette,

Of turtle legs and bees,

Bound together by turkey eggs

And just a little cheese.’

 

I couldn’t say what I thought of it,

She would be dismayed, my wife,

I knew the love she’d put into it

It would only cause us strife,

But every Wednesday she’d bring one home

A treat for me to try,

Her casserole was a lucky dip

And snake in her cottage pie.

 

I suffered it for a month or more

Then I put my case to her,

‘I draw the line at toadskin wine,

And a pie with rodent fur,

I love you, Ellen, I really do

But your mother gives me the creeps,

Her witches recipes just won’t do,

I hate ragwort and leeks.’

 

We came to a final arrangement,

She could do what she’d always done,

The whisk broom under the stairs, she said

Was her idea of fun,

I try to ignore the pointy hat

That she wears when the moon is high,

But she never feeds me toads and rats

Though her mother asks her, ‘Why?’

 

David Lewis Paget

© 2015 David Lewis Paget


My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Featured Review

Superb Ol' Bean! Your anecdote reminds me of a time when I was aboard the HMS Thames Wherry. I was a young Leftenant, mind you, and damned handsome at that! I can tell you that we have no less that twelve deckmaids between the young chaps, but I saved a particularly devious one for myself. She handled candle wax like the best strumpet from the local den of iniquity in Hereford and I don't need to tell you how she was with a hot iron, what? Unfortunately, she was struck one night with a bout of malaria, and I don't need to tell you how that fairs with the lads. So, overboard she went. She clung to the ship for several days, and although it was amusing, I had the Yeoman of the Sheets clamber down and give her a good wallop with an oar. Poor sod, the oar splintered his hand! Bully!

Posted 9 Years Ago


2 of 2 people found this review constructive.




Reviews

That is the kind of creativity you don't see too often. It's really witty an well-written at the same time. I wish to be able to write poetry like this. It's a gift, I'm glad you're making great use of it.

Posted 7 Years Ago


David, it has been a while since I have ventured into your wonderfully adventurous and witty imaginary world of poetry ... What do I think of the piece penned above? ... Well, allow me to wipe the tears from my eyes, and stop laughing long enough to tell you ... Whether penned by the inspirational muse of a coming Halloween at the time, or whatever real circumstance some poor fellow may have actually endured, this piece is disgustingly (only at the thought of eating such things), hilariously, sensational from first line to last ... I was not feeling well this morning with bit of the sinus problems going on, when I decided to pay your page a long overdue visit ... After a few initial thoughts of, "Am I going to puke," I began to laugh my backside off at the well written humor of what you so delightfully (albeit repulsively at first glance LOL!) had to share ... Your poetry has yet to leave me anything other than awed, inspired, touched, enlightened, teary eyed with laughter, with a smile upon my face ... And for this I thank you from the bottom of my heart in apologizing for failing to get by to see you sooner ... It was most certainly my loss, for one cannot afford to miss the chance at smiling and laughing uncontrollably in these depressing days and times ...

Posted 8 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Totally fantastic David, the first three stanzas got me in in this masterpiece that has more truth than fiction lol! Its a winner! lol

Posted 9 Years Ago


The choices we make just to please the spouse. I hope it didn't cause any problem for the two. Interesting read David.

Posted 9 Years Ago


Aha I smell "bewitched" here but its a wonderful surprising weave, and the lines-
"For what the mother is like right now
Is your wife in thirty years,"
totally agreed, though I'm going to be a wife to someone someday, I'll make sure to send him this warning. LOL

Posted 9 Years Ago


Very funny piece. I like it a great deal. A great mind at work with ideas that find root and deliver words in the most beautiful way. Peace out!

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

brilliant as usual David, the wife becomes a witch......actually aint that what always happens hahaha, sorry to all wives out there, many apologies, what a great story though, think i would have disappeared once the first meal turned up, as always my friend, great work :)

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

This one is wildly funny. I love the response of your friend below me also. Very clever tale. It will be great to relate on Halloween. Valentine

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

A marriage works best when there's comromise on both sides. Lettng her keep the pointy hat and broom is a small price to pay for not being served eye of newt and hair of frog...

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

I think you better find a girl, without a witches hat. Or someday she will turn on you, and You will be a bat.

Posted 9 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


First Page first
Previous Page prev
1
Share This
Email
Facebook
Twitter
Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

928 Views
14 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 1 Library
Added on June 23, 2015
Last Updated on June 23, 2015
Tags: toads, ragwort, privet, cuisine

Author

David Lewis Paget
David Lewis Paget

Moonta, South Australia, Australia



About
more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..