Bad Christmas!

I’ve had a terrible day today

The horse had broken a shoe,

I had to get to the marketplace

And didn’t know what to do,

So I borrowed the neighbour’s horse and cart

Was stopped by the local cop,

He said that the stuff on the neighbour’s cart

Had been stolen, from a shop!

 

He wouldn’t believe it wasn’t mine

And locked me up in a cell,

I’m being done for the stolen goods

And the stolen cart as well.

It took them hours to bail me out

Then I had to walk back home,

Fifteen miles to the mountain top

And the tongue of a rabid crone.

 

‘Why do you always do these things,

Why is it always you?

The guy next door, he never gets caught

But he’s so much smarter - True!’

I didn’t think she’d ever give up,

My dinner was down the drain,

They say that marriage is so much bliss,

Then why is there so much pain?

 

The kids were screaming about the place

When they should have been in bed,

She said she couldn’t control them, but

At least the kids were fed.

I bit a crust that was far too old

And it almost broke my teeth,

Then saw the thing was covered in mould,

All that I want is Sleep!

 

‘All that I want is sleep,’ I said

As I staggered off to my room,

It seemed a conspiracy overhead

Was acting out in the gloom,

A crash, a clash on the tiles above

I thought it was drunken Joe,

He’s always fooling about at night,

Him and his ‘Ho ho ho!’

 

The wife snuck into the bedroom then

And she said, ‘Don’t make a peep!

Or Father Christmas will hear you, Ben,

You ought to be sound asleep!’

My eyes bugged out and I leapt on up

Flung open the window wide,

‘And how do you think I’m supposed to sleep

With you pissing about outside!’

 

I heard the chomping of many teeth

And a very distinctive ‘Neigh!’

Stuck my head out so far that I

Could see this silver sleigh.

I yelled, ‘Hey get off my effing roof,

You’re damaging all my tiles!’

And then this guy in a bright red suit

Looked down, his face all smiles.

 

All he could say was ‘Ho ho ho’,

He’d come from some funny farm,

I yelled, ‘Do you want a bunch of fives?’

He started to look alarmed.

I heard the rattle of antler horns

As he started to ride away,

I couldn’t believe my eyes to see

It was Santa’s Silver Sleigh!

 

They’ve stuck me out in the doghouse here,

I had to kick out the dog,

But found, at least, that his rug was fleece

I could sleep at last, like a log.

There’d better not be another day

Like this, as I said to Steve,

‘You’d think that someone would warn me when

It’s coming up Christmas Eve!’

 

David Lewis Paget

Reviews

[Avinash]

Inertia of triviality of everyday can drain any hope of celebration, especially for a person who is having a bad day. I too started my day today on similar note when my trimmer got broken and while I tried to fix it, I had to unscrew the electric panel where its broken part was stuck. Already one hour late for office. Now if Santa comes my with a package, I would too bugger him off.

[Valentine]

A comedy for the ages, this was cute and had me chuckling. Thank you so much for the laugh. Kathie

[Marie]

Youre the third writer on this site who's turned Santa away this year.

At least you didn't shoot him.

[ANTO]

"All that I want is Sleep!
‘All that I want is sleep,’ I said
As I staggered off to my room, - hah the resignation here is tangible David - classic!

"I yelled, ‘Do you want a bunch of fives?’ - lolol - havent heard that in ages
Who is the Steve guy ??

You still in the doghouse mate?

[Tate Morgan]

That was great. You almost got to use the f word i see lol Oh how we lament the years as they pass by and all the imaginings of youth give way to the truth

[Barbz]

Whatever the days may bring us, whatever the month or week. There's just another happening. Good? Bad? Of which we speak. A ticket for our parking, a dog whose always barking, the wife and all the kids are on the freak. We come home tired and weary, the day is dank and dreary, the thought of tabled food is rather bleak. That's not to say it's all bad, most days are rather good, at least the ones, when work days done, the tables set, with food. The children did their chores, no laundry on the floors, and little notes to Santa don't deceive. The rumbling on the roof, the calendar speaks the truth, of course, by gosh, it's true......It's Christmas Eve!!

[Bright Ocean Star]

Brilliant, David. Another great write! Thank you! Your work is always so amusing and makes me laugh out loud....:)

[Colorado Brian]

The poems you write are a Gift greater than any material thing I could ask for, for Christmas. As I've said before, each poem I read, I feel like I am un-wrapping a gift, my eyes eager to see what's inside.
Thank You for your efforts to write such greatness in poetry.

[R Smith]

very funny David but you should have let the dog in with you, would have been much warmer lol, guess you forgot the day huh! merry christmas to you and yours :)